I'm not 100% sure on this one. Usually I either know if I've written a great sketch or I know straightaway that it's a dud, so any comments are grateful!
Ext. Building Site – 14.00
Danny is walking through the bulding site with Mr Fendley who is carrying a clipboard.
Mr Fendley: Well then, Danny, I’m sure you’re aware of why I’ve been called down here today.
Danny: Well, I did hear that you were coming down to discuss a few things
Mr Fendley: Head office have sent me down to check up on the state of health and safety on site. Certain people have raised ‘concerns’.
Danny: Health and Safety? Concerns?! (LAUGHS) Actually I’m quite offended.
Mr Fendley: You have to understand that it’s nothing personal and….
Danny: I’m sorry to interrupt, but I must say that the well being of my staff is paramount to me.
Danny turns and shouts to somebody off camera.
Danny: Here, John, come here. (TURNS BACK TO MR FENDLEY) This is John, the health and safety officer on site.
John comes staggering into shot. He appears to have a large masonry nail through his head and his arm is in a sling.
Mr Fendley: THIS is the health and safety officer?! What the devil happened to him?
Danny: Oh just a little uh...little...skiing accident! Yep! That’s right. He suffered a skiing accident. Isn’t that right, John?
John: (Slowly) Yes
Danny: Now, Mr Fendley here seems to think that there’s a problem with health and safety on site.
John: Ha...Ha...Ha...Ha...
Mr Fendley: What are you laughing so confidently for?
Danny: Because there’s not a single entry in the accident book.
Mr Fendley: Absolutely nothing?
John: No...Nothing in there...
Danny: You see! We’re running a tight ship here.
John: (Continues) Not since...it burnt down...in the fire
Mr Fendley: Fire?!
Danny: Oh now hardly anyone got injured. It was barely enough to light a candle.
Mr Fendley starts writing something down on his clipboard.
Mr Fendley: Right, well I think I’ve heard more than enough. You can get back to work now, John.
John stands there openmouthed with a long strand of drool emitting from his mouth.
Danny: I’ll handle this, Mr Fendley. (TURNS TO JOHN) John work. WORK JOHN WORK!
John scurries off holding his head and groaning.
Danny: Pretty impressive, eh?
Mr Fendley: Far from it. This site has become an absolute farce.
Danny: Hey, I tried my best!
Mr Fendley: Well that’s obviously not good enough. I’ll walk you back to your portacabin and then you can clear your desk.
Danny: Oh, but me and Freddy, he’s the crane operator, have got a drinking competition in 5 minutes. Can’t it wait?
Mr Fendley: NO! NOW COME ON!
Danny starts grumbling and Mr Fendley starts leading him towards the portacabin.
Mr Fendley: Now, do you think there’s anything else I need to know about before we install someone else AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
Mr Fendley has fallen down a large hole in the ground. Danny doesn’t notice this and carries on walking.
Danny: Well we could do with some more of those safety barriers. There’s a few holes round here and....
Danny trails off and looks round. He is bemused that Mr Fendley has disappeared. He shrugs his shoulders and then looks offscreen.
Danny: Here, Freddy, we’ll start with some buckets of gin.
END
© Ben Ricketts 2007