F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox and APlate for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox, APlate - 2
Teddy - 1
Next topic: Down the Farm (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 3.1.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 9 Otterfox
2 6 Crindy
3 4 Gappy, Teddy
4 3 APlate
5 2 Me
[TO THE TUNE OF ABBA'S DANCING QUEEN]
Milking time, you can hear them low
But is that sound universal? No!
In a stall there's a heifer
Never breathed out a moo
Well then, what does she do?
She is the laughing cow
Livestock that's been amused somehow
Call the vet
What sort of joke might a fresian get? F**k knows.
Breaking all nature's laws
The head in the herd who guffaws
The bovine comedy
Elle est la vache qui rit
While other milk's separately sold
Her udderjuice has another role
Cast your eyes on the product, pasteurised creamy snack
When you are packing lunch
I think I have a hunch
You'll put in laughing cow
Octuply segmented micro-round
Prepacked cheese
Pseudo-brie, high-class Dairylea, yum yum
Tasty chow, better than
Kraft cheesy strings or Boursin
And Babybel? Non, merci!
Je voudrais la vache qui rit
[FADING OUT]
Donnez-moi vache qui rit
Mangez la vache qui rit
Has your goose lost confidence? veering left on sunny days or even walking around on its wings when it thinks no one is looking?
Then your goose could be suffering from congrubador, flaffnafflers or some other made up disease.
The Solution - Gilbert Goddards Goosing Gala.
With over twenty years of goosular experience, Gilbert has been honking his way to success for eleven of them; the first nine being a bit of a washout.
Goddards Goosing Gala has come to the rescue on countless occasions. One such case involved goose plantation owner Barney Plippers and his hoodwinking geese. We didn't cover it at the time but then we did. The following is an interview with Barney when we did cover it - not when we didn't.
****
Interviewer:
With me now is a guest. That guest will be renowned to some and nowned to others. You may have heard reports of geese going haywire on Cappacka Hill. Dancing, climbing trees, winking at the wind, that sort of fantastical rubbish. Well we have the father of the madness....the farmer of the madness; is it ok if I say 'father of the madness?'
Barney:
No.
Interviewer:
'The farmer of the madness?'
Barney:
No.
Interviewer:
The farmer who oversaw the madness?
Barney:
Yes.
Interviewer:
With me now I have the farmer who oversaw the madness and who is himself quite mad - Barney Plip-
Barney:
No, that's not acceptable. I'll freely admit that there were certainly strange events taking place but I'm not myself implicit in the madness.
Interviewer:
You're 'not yourself?' That sounds a bit mad to m-
Barney:
I, Barney am not mad.
Interviewer:
Well that's the second time you've cut me off so you're making me a bit mad now. I maintain that you are as mental as a bee in a boiler suit, but tell us your tale and we'll see who's mad where and how.
Barney:
Fine. I've owned a goose plantation for many a year now. A couple of months ago, I was just coming into the autumn.
Interviewer:
You were coming into the autumn? You, personally? Like you took a left turn on your driveway and you headed for autumn?
Barney:
IT was heading for autumn and I noticed a bitterly cold wind sweeping down from the hill. A colder wind than I had ever experienced for that time of year. They say that once every fifty years that the winds from the mouth of the calagascar cave rises up and emerges from the cave. A strange wind that brings with it boding, foreboding and postboding - essentially no escape at anytime of wind.
Interviewer:
Slightly mental - continue.
Barney:
It was at this time that I noticed a marked change in the geese. They got spooked easily. Running away from the wind, hissing at mist, flying into gates, yawning at the morning, honking at the dusk.
Interviewer:
This wouldn't be usual behaviour?
Barney:
Put an 'un' before it and that's what I thought.
Interviewer:
Unthis wouldn't be usual behaviour?
Barney:
No! Unusual!
Interviewer:
This wouldn't be unusual behaviour? So this was normal. Can we get to the strange bit please. We don't have a huge amount of time left.
Barney:
It was unusual! You don't know what usuals I'm on about!
Interviewer:
So what did you do?
Barney:
After a week of this. Noticing the geese trying to use their feet to fly, flicking ashes in each others eyes, trying to swim up the trees, I'd had enough. A friend had asked me if I'd heard of Gilbert Goddards Goosing Gala, I told him I hadn't but now that he'd mentioned it, I had. I rang Gilbert and he immediately set to work.
Interviewer:
Over the phone?
Barney:
After the call and after the day, he arrived and immediately set to work. He believed that teaching the geese to whistle would neutralise the weird wind. I actually managed to record some of his work. Would you care to hear it?
Interviewer:
I think so - yes.
Gilbert:
Alright geese (whistling) can everyone hear behind me? I'm conscious I'm whistling forwards from the front. When you're walking and whistling start by dropping your shoulders, relax your feathers and blow. Breathe easy - if you do nothing only breathe easy today - that's progress. Don't be putting pressure on yourself to whistle on the way home. Put your tongue in the middle of your mouth, look at your feathers and try saying 'white' wh-wh-white.
Barney:
He gave me a strict regime to adhere to for the next week but I whistled with my knees crossed.
Interviewer:
How did you cross your knees?
Barney:
I don't know how in the name of God I did it.
Interviewer:
And how are the geese now?
Barney:
The geese are perfect but with everything that was going on my nerves were shot, my legs were knocking together. I had to get myself a pair of knee excluders.
Interviewer:
What on earth are knee excluders?
Barney:
It's for the nervous-legged amongst us. It keeps your knees from clashing together. When you see those knees a-knocking, get your knee excluders rocking. You can buy them-
Interviewer:
I didn't agree to free advertising.
Barney:
You can buy them in all leg specialist shops and normal ones.
Interviewer:
Anything else you want to flog?
Barney:
I've another idea - Ankle Hatchers.
Let's your ankles flourish like they were born to do. Get the most out of your ankles and hatch your ankles before someone else does.
Interviewer: (annoyed)
Brilliant. Anything else?
Barney:
Ankles - the eggs of your legs.
Interviewer:
Utter imbecile and....shut up!
End.
'THE THIN BLUE SWINE'
A FARMER NOTICES A MAN STANDING IN THE FARMYARD.
THE MAN IS HOLDING A PLACARD WITH THE WORDS:
'STOP BEING A FARMER!'
FARMER: You there! What're you doin' on my land?
PROTESTER: I'm standing up for animal rights. I've got a placard, look.
FARMER: Not much of a protest, is it? Just one bloke.
PROTESTER: There's usually another person, but he's got a cold.
FARMER: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
PROTESTER: Could you please stop treating pigs so badly, you farmer?
FARMER: Oh, my pigs are all right. They've got plenty of room to move their heads and stretch their toes. Or whatever their feet look like. I've never paid much attention.
PROTESTER: But it's cruel!
FARMER: All my pigs are naturally reared.
PROTESTER: What does that mean, then? That they don't have buttock implants? Or am I misinterpreting your statement?
FARMER: Get off my f**ken land.
PROTESTER: Well, that was an abrupt riposte, if ever I heard one. Now, are you going to stop being cruel to the animals, you bastard?
FARMER: I most certainly am not, you villain. So, we're in a sort of stalemate situation.
PROTESTER: In that case, let's just agree to disagree about the whole thing.
THEY BOTH SHAKE HANDS AND LAUGH
NEARBY PIGS DO THE SAME THING
Both creative entries.. I vote Otterfox.
Otterfox.
For the sudden turn the farmer took and the imagery of pigs shaking hands/hooves it's A Plate for me.
Otterfox