F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 4
APlate - 1
Next topic: Money
Leg closed: 19.12.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 7 Otterfox
2 6 Crindy
3 4 Gappy
4 3 Teddy
5 2 Me
6 1 APlate
1: So, what's this one about?
2: Oh, yeah, right. The joke in this one, you see, is that there's a young kid, and he's disappointed that his uncle keeps finding the coins he keeps hidden behind his ear.
1:Ah, good gag. You could go anywhere with that.
2:Anywhere.
1:Yeah. So what happens, then?
2:Well, I mean first up, we have to subtly introduce the concept.
1:Course. Good joke like that, you want to reveal it slowly, not just blurt it out at once.
2:Yeah, we don't want to give it away on the second line, or anything.
1: Sure. So, then where do we go?
2:Joke like that, we could go anywhere.
1:Anywhere. But, where, for example?
2:Well, we could make jokes about other magic tricks. Like...some of the other ones.
1:Yeah, that's a strong concept. Other magic tricks, like...well, say, for example...
2:...I mean we could go anywhere.
1:Anywhere.
2:And then, you know, not wasting too much time, we could out with a twist.
1: Oh yeah, after - oooh - 20 lines of dialogue, you have a twist. What were you thinking?
2:I'd say, really, all things considered, we could twist it anywhere.
1:Anywhere. Oh, but wait, won't your uncle be upset if we write this sketch? Because he's in the Magic Circle and won't want his ear-coin illusion spoilt?
2:Yeah, there is that. And I do have to keep on his good side, otherwise he might never give my nose back.
SCENE
Two men are standing in a corridor in New Scotland Yard outside a door marked 'Incident Room'.
DI Jack Wader known as 'Flipper of the Yard, due to his famous short temper is talking to his boss.
FLIPPER
It's villain's guv simple as! I say we throw the squad into motors and go through a few doors of the most likely!
DCI
Jack listen to me it's not the 70's and this is one of the most complex cases we have ever had.
FLIPPER
With respect guv it's a load of bollocks that's what it is!
DCI
Jack you either tow the line or you're off the case, you might be the best copper I've got when it comes to the normal stuff. But this is way past that, so either get with the program or else I'll bring in DI Wendy Walker
FLIPPER
What 'Woke Wendy'? This would be right up her f**king street I'll give you that. Ok Guv I'll bite my lip and do it your way.
SCENE
Police Incident Room
The squad are assembled along with two people who look totally out of place. At the front of the squad is a young and very eager DC.
FLIPPER
So far all we know is that they have demanded 2 million in unmarked 20's. They also want an additional £5000 in 1910's £5 notes along with a pre- war Luger pistol and a photograph of Hitler in his youth.
DC
Do we know why they want the old money sir?
FLIPPER
All we know for certain at this juncture is that the company involved is multinational, so they were able to pull strings so as well as the unmarked 20s they also got the Bank of England to issue them with the £5000 from their historical stock. The Luger and the photo have been supplied by the Imperial War Museum.
DC
Do we have any idea where the drop might be sir?
FLIPPER
Funny enough on this occasion we know exactly in advance. The bag man has been told to leave the money in an old police call box.
DC
I didn't even know they still had those boxes sir.
FLIPPER
Neither did we until the blackmailers sent the key and the location it's just off Wimbledon High Street
DC
I used to patrol that area sir when I first joined, I don't recall it being there?
FLIPPER
That's because it wasn't. According, to the latest Google Earth it wasn't even there two days ago. It's like it appeared out of thin air. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. As you know these cases are cracked once the villains come out of the woodwork to get their grubby mitts on the money. So, let's stay low and vigilant and we can catch these bastards bang to rights!
DC
Sir what if the phone box just disappears after the money has been put in it? Like the Tardis in Dr Who?
The room rocks with laughter. But the DCI holds up his hands and speaks in a very serious tone. As he does so he points to the two strangers.
DCI
Ok listen up what DC Clarke has just said may not be that wide of the mark. This is Professor Heinz Otto a leading physicist from Vienna and Trevor Evans who is the main archivist at the BBC.
Professor if you would go first, please.
OTTO
As you may or may not know zee concept of time travel is in fact a by product of the multi universe concept vich suggests that it is a theoretical possibility!
BBC MAN
We think that the reason they have chosen such an iconic thing as the Tardis is that its possible that someone from the past is trying to relay a message in a format that we can rely on given that Dr Who is seen as one of the most trusted characters in the world of Time Travel/ Science fiction.
DC
I agree I can't see Dr Who being a baddy.
OTTO
Exactly we believe that if it is a time traveller given the oddity of their demands, they may be using the money to pay an assassin to kill Hitler before he comes to power..
DC
Oh my god, if it is the case. Then once the moneys been handed over and Hitler gets killed, we could cease to exist due to the historical alterations.
The Professor stirs at the irate DI Flipper as he replies.
OTTO
Exactly, I applaud you, young man as you are clearly not only intelligent, but you also have an open mind which is more than I can say for some.
DC
To be fair I'm a Sci Fi buff and also I've never missed an episode of Dr Who and I'm a massive fan of the Big Bang Theory!
SCENE
A Police Call Box on Wimbledon High Street, plain clothes detectives are posing as shoppers, window cleaners, and they are on the rooftops etc.
Flipper and the young DC are sat in the front of a car watching the Police Call Box the professor and the BBC man are sat in the back. Flipper angrily grabs the radio mic.
FLIPPER
Guv it's been 10 hours since the drop, I say we steam in!
DCI
On speaker
What does the professor think?
OTTO
In zis case time itself may be irrelevant!
FLIPPER
Right, that's it I've had enough of this bollocks I'm going in!
Flipper gets out the car and runs over to the Police Call Box followed by the young DC The professor and the BBC archivist.
Flipper opens the door with the key.
The old money the Luger and the photo are still there but the 2 million has gone.
The Professor taps the walls as he speaks.
PROFESSOR
It appears to be three dimensional.
BBC MAN
It's no Tardis either as it's the same size on the inside!
DC
Look sir the floors loose
Flipper lifts up a board and there is a tunnel underneath it and a ladder leading down.
FLIPPER
I knew it, straight up f**king villains!
BBC MAN
Don't jump to conclusions Inspector. given our proximity to Wimbledon Common we can't rule out that this was the work of Wombles.
Flipper knocks out the BBC man with one punch.
What's the difference between aperitivo and apericena? 15 Euro.
MONEY CAN'T BUY ME DOG
JOHN: Oi, Pete! Pete!
PETE: What?
JOHN: My dog has no nose!
PETE: Oh, right, OK.
JOHN: Well, aren't you going to ask me how much it cost?
PETE: How much it COST, John? Are you sure you want me to ask that? OK, how much did it cost?
JOHN: (laughs) Terrible! That's how much... No, that's wrong, Pete. You've f**ked it.
PETE: Well, I did wonder. Where is this dog, anyway?
JOHN: It's over there, in the window. Well, not actually IN the window, like some sort of ghost bastard. Behind the window, I suppose. I mean, there's a window...
PETE: Oh, hang on, John, I think you've got yourself all confused. It's supposed to be 'how much is that doggy in the window, the one...'
JOHN: Yeah, I know, I'm not stupid. The one with no nose. Now, ask me how much it cost, like I f**ken told you the first time.
PETE: No, you've... Oh, whatever. How much did it cost?
JOHN: (laughs) Terrible! No, hang on. You've f**ked it again, Pete. Sort it out, for Christ's sake.
PETE: (sighs) If I give you twenty quid, will you stop talking to me?
JOHN: I certainly will. That's very generous. I can buy my canine a snout.
Very last minute...
Man: Oh, hello, so this a green grocery, otherwise known as a greengrocers, otherwise known as greenery of grocers, otherwi-
Green: Can I help you at all?
Man: No, no, I'm fine. Otherwise known as a plant explosion, otherwise known as fruity fantastic, oth-
Green: Look! I'm a busy man. If you're not going to buy anything, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Man: Oh no, no, of course I want something. Can I have some of your finest, your fiiineest.......produce please.
Green: what produce do you want?
Man: uh, now that's a puzzler. Wow! You've really put me on the spot there. That's knocked me for sixes and sevens I must say. I think I need to sit down.
Green: (soothing) Look, I didn't mean to confuse you. Was it fruit or veg you were after?
Man: Fruit or Veg? What do you mean fruit OR veg? Now I'm even more confused.
Green: Jesus mother of divine sorrows!! Why did you even come in here?
Man: I was told coming in here was good for you.
Green: Do you want fruit...
Man: Mmm, that sounds good.
Green: ...Or veg?
Man: wow! That's fantastic too! Do you see my dilemma?
Green: Not even a little bit.
Man: Many moons ago, in a land far from here a band of hedgehogs, or was it camels? No, spaniels. A spaniel and eight other spaniels parachuted into what is now modern day-
Green: (Hastily)I'll just give you a variety of stuff if you promise to leave straight away.
HANDS BAG OVER.
GREEN: That'll be €5.70.
Man: So that's a 5.70. Brilliant! Ok, bye.
Green: Hey! Where's the money?
Man: You didn't give me any money!
POLICEMAN ENTERS.
Officer: I could hear a civil conversation being had here so I said we'd better check it out.
Green: He's after taking my produce.
Man: He gave me a 5.70 and then he asked me for money that he never gave me. I even told him about the parachuting spaniels and to no avail.
Officer: What!!?
Man: You see I thought it was hedgehogs, that's when he gave me the 5.70 and I-
Officer: Don't repeat the gibberish! You, go with your food. You, continue to um, green groce.
MAN LEAVES.
MAN: Ha, ha! Suckers!
Looking into bag.
Man: So what the hell is a 5.70 anyway?
End.
Teddy gets my vote, but special mention to Otterfox's last minute insanity.
Otterfox.
A Plate for me, though I enjoyed Teddy's scam.
Otterfox, we are at different ends of the spectrum when it comes to humor but it worked for me.
I really got into Teddys story but A Plates mixed up jokes tickled me so it's A Plate for me.
@Teddy, yep, we both have very different styles. I'd never write what you write but I still appreciate your craft. It's always fun reading the different interpretations of the subject.