After my recent debut at a 75 seat theatre above a London pub my ten minute play was one of 8 others done almost like improv with no set etc,
I got a few still photos and the feedback was that Oceans lines got some good laughs so it's a nice boost if not instant fame.
Characters:
OCEAN ONJES
Z lister scatter brained but loveable.
DI HELEN EVANS:
Sensitive / professional.
DC JENNY HIGHGROVE
Brand new Jolly Hockey sticks type.
EVANS
So, Ocean, please take a seat. You don't mind me calling you Ocean I hope...?
OCEAN
No everyone does
EVANS
My names Helen, Helen Evans, I'm a
Detective Inspector. And this is Jenny,
Jenny Highgrove she's a Detective Constable
HIGHGROVE
I saw you in 'Babes in the Balearics you should have won!
OCEAN
I know I was devastated. The winner got her face on cigarette boxes in Azerbanjano or somewhere. But it was a fixed anyway the girl who won was sleeping with the sound man
EVANS
Ocean you told the desk sergeant that you think your husband is going to kill you, is that right?
OCEAN
Yeah
EVANS
Is there a specific reason for you to think that?
OCEAN
He's killed loads of people
EVANS
What would you class as 'Loads'
OCEAN
Dead pan
He's strangled at least fourteen people that I know of
HIGHGROVE
excited
Fourteen that easily classes him as a serial killer! I've read loads about them, they're my...
EVANS
injt
Fourteen's rather a lot
OCEAN
He's American
EVANS starts coaxing Ocean almost like she was a child.
EVANS
Ocean do you think that you might be able to help us prove that he's killed all these people? That would really help
OCEAN
There's loads of it, just Google the 'Stonedale Strangler' It comes up before you even get to the end of Strangler, that's how famous he is.
HIGHGROVE
The Stonedale Strangler I've read loads about him, but he's on Death Row?
EVANS
Death Row?
OCEAN
That's where I married him!
EVANS
Deflated
So, what's he done sent you a letter threatening you? If you can just give DC Highgrove here the details, she can email the jail or something and have his...
OCEAN
He WAS on Death Row, they let him out yesterday!
EVANS
interest
Let him out?
OCEAN
All he did in his cell was read law books and he found mistakes in his trial. So, they had to let him out even though they know he did it!
HIGHGROVE
So now you think that he'll come over here and strangle you?
OCEAN
he's already on his way. They never told me that this could happen!
EVANS
Who never told you?
OCEAN
The people who make 'Death Row Dollies'
EVANS
Death Row Dollies?
HIGHGATE
It's a show on cable TV ma'am
OCEAN
I did three episodes. I did the 'Meet' one, where he was behind glass chained to a chair. Then I did the 'Marriage' one was just behind glass Then I did a 'Special'
HIGHGATE
A special?
OCEAN
It was the best one. We did it in a motel room. I was in all black sitting by a phone waiting for his plea for clementine to get turned down. Then I had to take a fake call of the producer and start crying while holding the phone it was really testing
EVANS
And now they've let him out?
OCEAN
Yeah! He was supposed to have been getting gassed or something next week.
OCEAN
Cont eureka
Oh my god I've just realised they won't show the third episode now if he's still alive. So, there's my broadcast fee gone as well. Could this day get any worse?
EVANS
Let's hope not!
HIGHGATE
Do, you mind me asking how come your names not Stonedale?
OCEAN
My agent said I'd lose loads of links on social media if I did that because my fans would get all confused. So, I just stick to the name he gave me
EVANS
He gave you?
OCEAN
My name used to be Celene but everyone just called me Cee. So, my agent said it made sense for me to go from being a Cee to an Ocean
HIGHGROVE
That's really clever
OCEAN
I know, so then he used this mammarygram thing on his phone and used it to change my surname as well. It used to be...
EVANS
Let me guess was it Jones?
OCEAN
shocked
Oh my god! You're better than my clairvoyant! That was scary
HIGHGROVE
I think Onjes really suits you
OCEAN
It's dead easy to spell as we as you just take the J at the front and put it in the middle
HIGHGROVE
It sounds really classy like someone out of Cosmo
EVANS
Getting back to you being murdered if we may?
OCEAN
Yeah go on.
SFX TEXT PING
OCEAN
cont
Oh wait a minute I've got a message off my agent
OCEAN
Sorry about that go on
EVANS
I wouldn't worry too much. I doubt the authorities will let him leave the country
OCEAN
He's already in mid- air that's why I'm here
EVANS
Mid air!
OCEAN
Yeah, he text to say he'll need a cab when he lands. The prison only gave him a travel warrant and $25 and he spent that on three Big Macs!
HIGHGROVE
Three Big Macs?
OCEAN
Yeah, he loves them, that was going to be his last meal if he got executed, but with Mc Nuggets as well and an extra-large coke. They pay for it all
EVANS
So he's got no money?
OCEAN
As my mum said, trust me to marry a serial killer who's skint. And now he wants me to pay for all sorts because he thinks I'm dead rich
EVANS
Why does he think that?
OCEAN
We photoshopped some pictures of me in exotic places and in sports cars etc. He had loads of other women contacting him, so we needed him to pick me
EVANS
And now you're worried he's going to find
Out that you don't have a lavish lifestyle
OCEAN
It won't take him long; I live in a
maisonette on the Lockwood with my mum
EVANS
Your mums at the address!
OCEAN
Not now she's not. She flipped when I told her. And she said that she's staying on my aunty Pats couch till its sorted.
EVANS
reassuring
If we put our heads together, I'm sure we can get her back her own bed sooner rather than later
OCEAN
I hope so because now I've got my aunty Pat on my back as well. All because of some stupid American serial killer wants to strangle us
EVANS
No one will be strangling anyone. Now you say he's got no money. Good we can let immigration know he can't support himself and they'll turn him round on the spot
HIGHGROVE
I'm sorry ma'am but they won't do that automatically. I worked there before I joined up. Ocean when you got married did you keep the licence or did, he keep it?
OCEAN
We got one each because of the glass
HIGHGROVE
If he can produce that licence at immigration, ma'am they're obliged to ask Ocean if she can support his stay financially
OCEAN
Me support him? I haven't had any paying work for six months!
HIGHGROVE
That can't be easy
OCEAN
It's not I was on a pilot where we worked at a safari park. But one of the stupid lads got bit messing with a zebra so they lost the insurance cover and we never got paid
EVANS
At least we can let immigration know you can't support him either
OCEAN
I can't do that, if he knows that I dropped him in it and still gets through. He'll deffo strangle me
EVANS
There's not much chance of that
OCEAN
Even I know that if he can talk his way out of Death Row, then he'll waltz through Heathrow.
EVANS
Fair enough I can see why you're scared we'll just have to come up with another plan that doesn't...
SFX PHONE TEXT PING
OCEAN
intj
Sorry it's my agent again, we have to be on call 24/7 in case an emergency jobs crops up
HIGHGATE
You get emergency jobs?
OCEAN
All the time. Last week my agents, stepsister who owns a nursing home
had resident turning 100. A guy who won Come Dine with me was supposed to give them a telegram off the King, but he failed a covid test
HIGHGATE
So you stepped in
OCEAN
Sort of, I couldn't get there on the day, so she just held it back. I went the next day and gave it to him once the local press turned up
EVANS
They held his 100th birthday back
OCEAN
He didn't mind, to be honest he didn't really know what was going on. He thought I was the girl who lived next door to him during the war. He was dead cute, and he had a lovely smile in the photo
EVANS
Ocean we really need to focus. Is there anything you can tell us bad about him apart from the obvious
OCEAN
Nothing I never thought it would happen. Not after the President turned his appeal down
HIGHGATE
He'd already been refused by the President
And he still got out
OCEAN
He flipped when it happened, he said he felt like strangling the President
EVANS
Eureka
He said he wanted to strangle the President?
OCEAN
Yeah and he sounded like he really meant it
EVANS
Did he say it in person through the glass
OCEAN
Sort of, they have like a little phone thing that you...
EVANS
No doubt that will be all on tape. Jenny, do you know anyone at Heathrow from your old job
HIGHGROVE
I'm still in contact with Clair, she's clerical but she has some clout
EVANS
Could you let her know discreetly that there's a passenger due who has made provable threats against the Presidents life. That should get him kicked right back
HIGHGROVE
I'll get on it right away ma'am
EVANS
This could take a while Ocean
OCEAN
It's ok I've got my phone I'll be brilliant
SFX PHONE PINGING AND TYPING
HIGHGATE
Sorry about the delay but it's good news ma'am
EVANS
They're going to refuse him entry
HIGHGATE
Better than that, my friend Clair is seeing a guy who works on the American desk. Anyway, she told him, and he told the FBI London office
OCEAN
Oh my god the FBI they're dead famous
EVANS
It's a bit over the top but that should keep him out
HIGHGATE
He's not even landing, they hit the big button. The plane was turned around and there was three Sky Marshals on the onboard and they've subdued him with tasers
EVANS
You have to give it to the yanks they never under react
HIGHGATE
Apparently, they've sealed off a runway at JFK so that they can take him off the plane
SFX RAPID PHONE TEXTING
SFX TEXT PINGS REPLIES
OCEAN
I've just told my agent and he reckons that the plane being turned round is all over the TV news and Twitter
HIGHGATE
nervous
What he said will be on tape, they can't accuse us of overacting
EVANS
Stop worrying they'll be delighted. He's a known serial killer they don't want him on the streets. They'll milk this for all they can. He'll never see daylight again
SFX TEXT PING
OCEAN
Oh my god my agent said CNN are saying he's going to be arrested for planning to kill the President as soon as the plane lands
EVANS
I told you they'd milk it
HIGHGATE
Ocean if this goes to court that makes you a witness
EVANS
The only witness you'll probably have to give evidence
OCEAN
Me? Oh my god wait a mo
SFX RAPID PHONE TEXTING
SFX TEXT PINGS REPLIES
OCEAN
Cont
I just told my agent I'm the only witness in the case. He said the trial will be in New York and it'll go world-wide on the news
EVAN
He could be right
OCEAN
He's just put me on a full contract. He never signs anyone up fully. He said he can't believe that he's representing someone who saved the Presidents life
EVANS
I wouldn't worry I'm sure he'll get
plenty of others to believe it
SFX RAPID PHONE TEXTING
SFX TEXT PINGS REPLIES
OCEAN
It's happening dead fast. He's sending an Uber to take me to the Marriot. He's booked a suite in case we need to hold a press conference tonight
EVANS
I'm glad we were able to help you Ocean I really am
OCEAN
You've done more than help me. I came in here with two quid in my purse and someone trying to strangle me.
HIGHGATE
You really did!
OCEAN
pumped
And now I'm walking out with a £100,000 year contract with loads of add ons and I'll be the centre of the news in New York....
HIGHGATE
It's unbelievable
OCEAN
pumped
oh my god oh my god hugs all round. I'll never forget you two and all you did.
SFX HUGGING /CHEEK KISSES
SFX PHONE PING
OCEAN
cont
That's my Uber I have to get to the Marriot. Thank you so much for all your help
EVANS
morose
Well detective that's that. Now the whirlwind is over you may as well go on your lunch?
HIGHGATE
Morose
I ate it on the way to work to be honest it was only cottage cheese I'm back on a diet
EVANS
sighs
From nothing to New York in ten bloody minutes. Some days you have to wonder if ignorance truly is bliss you really do.