COCKNEY AND BULL
PUB.
TOM (bored)... Enter DICK, excited, flapping arms.
DICK Tom, you just GOTTA see this new hobby I've taken up! It's awesome, it's mind-blowing, it's - rather good, really.
TOM (yawns) What is it this time? Your last hobby was fly fishing.
DICK That was cute, too.
TOM My trousers still haven't regained their shape.
DICK Ah, that was last decade. Listen to this...
TOM Do I have a choice?
DICK Nope. (proud) Cockney!
TOM Any other parts of the body?
DICK No, duh! Cockney rhyming slang.
TOM Ah, cool. Let's hear it.
DICK All right. (clears throat) All right, me old friend! I was on the old TELEPHONE up the old STAIRS usin' me old HEAD to tell some old LIES to the old WIFE givin' an old LOOK with me old EYES and you wouldn't BELIEVE the old THIEF...
TOM No...
DICK What's wrong, the accent? OK: (bad London accent) I was on the old TELEPHONE...
TOM No. Cockney is when you take a word that rhymes and then associate it with another word but you only use the first one. Get it?
DICK (thinks) No.
TOM Like, stairs.
DICK OK. (looks ahead)
TOM Or, look.
DICK (continues)
TOM Or, eyes.
DICK (continues)
TOM (hits him) Like, what rhymes with stairs?
DICK (thinks) Nightmares, Duncan Dares, pubic...
TOM Shut up. Pears.
DICK (excited) Where?
TOM Shut - up. I meant fruity pears.
DICK (more excited) Where?
TOM Pears with a stalk on.
DICK That's pornographic now.
TOM (losing patience) What goes with pears?
DICK (thinks) Nipples?
TOM Apples.
DICK This is a pub. I don't think they do...
TOM Shut - UP. Stairs rhymes with pears, which go with apples. So in Cockney, apples means stairs. So up the apples means up the stairs.
DICK Sounds dashed odd to me. If I mean stairs, I'll say stairs; otherwise people might get confused.
TOM You don't get it.
DICK If I want someone to go up the stairs, I'll just ask them.
TOM But...
DICK I'm sorry. I really don't understand why anyone would want to say...
TOM SHUT UP.
DICK Yes, Tom. Sorry, Tom.
TOM Another example. What rhymes with head?
DICK Dick head.
TOM I'm only trying to...
DICK No, it rhymes.
TOM Loaf.
DICK I'm quite active, actually.
TOM Loaf of bread - head. See? You try.
DICK All right. Think I'll eat some head.
TOM No...
DICK All right. I'll eat some loaf...
TOM NO...
DICK I'll eat some of.
TOM One last try. Dog and bone: telephone.
DICK OK. I have a hungry hound at home. It's a telephone.
TOM The other one.
DICK I have a home at hungry...
TOM Other way round.
DICK I have a hungry home at hound...
TOM Forget it. (leaves)
DICK What a silly looking runt.