Two men sat facing each other across a table on a moving train.
MAN 1
Did you see that guy on Mastermind last night?
MAN 2
The one with the massive hair? You could tell he was going to be clever.
MAN 1
Yeah, he was answering before the question was finished.
MAN 2
To be fair I knew most of them myself.
MAN 1
Here we go!
MAN 2
I did! On the general knowledge part, I got about ten out of the twelve he got.
MAN 1
How did you do on his specialised subject?
MAN 2
I got about three.
MAN 1
What you knew three things about Neolithic Britain?
MAN 2
Yeah, I use to always watch Neil Oliver's stuff before he went mad. I was surprised by how much of it stuck.
That Skara Brae one was easy for a start, he was there nearly every week.
MAN 1
Anyway, he was dead clever no wonder he works in the Civil Service.
MAN 2
They only say Civil Servant when they don't want you to know what they really do.
MAN 1
What do you mean like a spy or a code breaker?
MAN 2
I doubt the secret service would let him go on Mastermind if he was a spy. He's probably something like a benefits investigator or tax bailiff, or a rat catcher.
MAN 1
Rat catchers aren't classed as Civil Servants
MAN 2
They are if they work in government buildings!
MAN 1
Come to think of it I think he said something about working in the Deed Poll Office
MAN 2
I'd love to work in the Deed Poll Office
MAN 1
Why? It sounds boring.
MAN 2
Are you kidding all you get all day is people in a rush to change their names, how suspicious is that! You would need to keep a wet flannel under the counter just to keep your eyebrows damp to stop them arching every two minutes.
MAN 1
It's not suspicious, what if you're called Harold Shipman or Peter Sutcliffe or Colin Stagg and he was innocent in the end.
MAN 2
Colin Stagg might have been cleared but would you let him sleep on your couch?
MAN 1
Most of them probably have to do it for legal reasons, things like adoption and all that.
MAN 2
I'm on about the fast-track ones.
MAN 1
I don't think you can fast track a Deed Poll
MAN 2
You can fast track anything if you're ready to stump up the extra
MANC1
Fast tracking something doesn't make it suspicious.
MAN 2
What so you've got someone out of breath at the counter handing money over left right and centre to get their name changed in a hurry.
And that's not suspicious?
MAN 1
Not really
MAN 2
Have you seen any of those fly on the wall Police investigations that are all over the telly? The minute anyone mentions that they changed
their name by Deed Poll the detective's eyebrows shoot up and they automatically become suspect no 1.
MAN 1
I doubt that?
MAN 2
Are you kidding? It's up there with 'Step Father' and 'Estranged Uncle' when a kid goes missing
MAN 1
That's not fair, you can get great step dads!
MAN 2
I'm not saying it's fair I'm just saying it's a thing.
MAN 1
I do know that if you find a dead body you're classed as a suspect in the first instance.
MAN 2
That's because you could be using that as an excuse for why your DNAs on the body or their bloods on your clothes.
MAN 1
Makes sense.
MAN 2
You wouldn't be saying that after ten hours in a cell?
MAN 1
They don't lock them up, they just....
MAN 2
Are you kidding they cuff them right away.
MAN 1
No, they don't
MAN 2
So, what you're telling me they drive to the station laughing and joking with someone they don't know from Adam
whose covered in blood and has just shown them a dead body. If it was me I'd give them a little squirt of pepper to help with the cuffing.
MAN 1
Thank God you're not a detective!
MAN 2
I'd make a great detective; nothing gets past me!
MAN 1
You never found who it was that took your cheese and Branston sandwich out the office fridge.
MAN 2
I know who it was I'm just bidding my time.
MAN 1
Who was it?
MAN 2
Carol from HR!
MAN 1
How do you know that?
MAN 2
She had a little cube of that stuff they put in Branston on her top lip.
MAN 1
So why didn't you say something?
MAN 2
Because as I said I'm bidding my time. Let's just say the next time I get called into HR over something I'll have a little bit of leverage.
MAN 1
So, your plan is to blackmail HR.
MAN 2
Why not?
MAN 1
You do that and you'll lose your job and going by what your reference would be like you'd probably have to change your name by Deed Poll
before you could get another one.