F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking ashain. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
Gappy, Firkin, APlate- 1
Next topic: Nature
Leg closed: 11.7823
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 3 Otterfox
2 1 Gappy, Firkin, APlate
WHAT A WONDERFUL WANK
(Tune What A Wonderful World, Louis Armstrong)
I see sheets of cream
Bed show'red with goo
I see my room
Covered with my splooge
And I think to myself, What a wonderful wank
I see piles of juice
Blankets stained white
The bright messy day
The dark spunky night
And I think to myself What a powderful wank
The custard as my nuts grow
Squirt jism in the sky
And also on the duvet
My one eye likes to cry
My palm friend shakes my glands
Punch the clown, dirty luke
Choking the gopher
Till I splurge
I hear pinkies slide
I watch nads grow
They'll squirt much more
Than Mummy will know
And I think to myself What a chunderful wank
Yes, I think to myself What a thunderous wank
Ooh yeah
HEAD:Thank you so much for coming in.
ROLEO:Not a problem.
JUMIET:But what's it all about, Mr Botnus? is there a problem with Timmy?
HEAD:I rather fear so. Umm, I've been ardently hoping that it wouldn't come to this, but I fear that we are going to have to exclude Timmy from lessons.
ROLEO:You want to expel him?
HEAD:No. not necessarily. But I feel a period of suspension is required.
JUMIET:What do you mean? What can he possible have done?
HEAD:It's not so much what he's done, as what's he's....no, actually, what he's done.
JUMIET:And what is it?
HEAD:He's just been really cool.
ROLEO:That doesn't sound like Timmy.
HEAD:I am truly sorry to report that he has been consistently - some might even say, aggressively - cool for the that past 2 terms. It pains me to state that he has become too cool for school.
ROLEO:But he's never cool at home! He knows full well that if I caught him being cool, I'd...
JUMIET: Headmaster, he's the sweetest, most uncool child imaginable. he wouldn't be trendy to a fly, it's not in his nature.
HEAD: Sadly, this is often the case. What you consider to be natural behaviour is actually learned in the home, and children reject these patterns when placed in another environment.
ROLEO: Of course! A little exploration, a little rebellion, but surely not the extent of being a calmly suave trendsetter.
HEAD:Mr Carrigan, I have to inform you that Timmy is, more often than not, a dude.
JUMIET: [WEEPING] My Timmy...is a dude! A copacetic sponditious dude.
HEAD:Well, I'm glad you're accepting it. I appreciate it's difficult, but I have a duty of care to the other, square and non-hip children. And we simply can no longer allow Timmy in this school when he is being an absolute legend.
ROLEO:Are you sure he's not being bullied into being cool?
HEAD:I rather fear it's the other way around: yesterday I caught him forcing the year 12 chess club into an effortlessly louche swagger. I had a terrible time explaining to their parents why their children had come home from my care absolutely covered in admiration from their peers.
ROLEO:Well, look, perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement.
HEAD:I fear the time for that has long passed, Mr Carrigan.
JUMIET: Oh, please. Give Timmy just one more chance - and I'll let you play my bebop records and have a go on my motorcycle.
ROLEO:[WHISPERED] Between you and me, headmaster, that's where he gets it from.
HEAD: Naturally.
THE THREE RAMBLING RAMBLERS
IAN: We've been walking for ages. Let's stop here by this pond.
DAVE: Hey, Ian! Look at that!
DAVE POINTS AT A KINGFISHER
DAVE: Do you know what that is over there, Ian?
IAN: Yeah, it's a nectarine.
DAVE: (confused) What did you say?
IAN: That thing you're pointing at. It's a nectarine.
DAVE: You what?! That's some sort of f**ken fuzz-free peach!
IAN: What?! No, it isn't! It's a BIRD, Dave! It's a bird! Oi, Paul! Paul!
PAUL: What?
IAN: See that thing there? (HE POINTS AT THE KINGFISHER)
PAUL: The bird? Yeah, I see it.
IAN: Well, Dave just said that it's some sort of f**ken fuzz-free peach!
PAUL: Did he? (laughs) You're a maniac, Dave!
DAVE: No! No! I was referring to a nectarine! I said that a nectarine is some sort of fuzz-free peach!
PAUL: (laughs) Why did you say that?! Bit random, innit?
DAVE: No! Wait! I asked Ian what that thing over there is...
PAUL: Well, I'm not surprised you had to ask him, because apparently you can't tell the difference between a bird and a delicious Summertime fruit, you bastard!
DAVE: No.. Wait, yes...
PAUL: Imagine your wife sending you to do the food shopping, Dave! If she asked you for a pineapple, you'd probably come back with a f**ken OWL, or some shit!
PAUL AND IAN LAUGH. DAVE LOOKS FRUSTRATED.
FADE TO BLACK
If you want to take flying lessons around the archipelago of the Fanfannanon islands, Wade Pipe and Chester Cay are your men. On a rare Saturday off the instructors get caught up in a sandstorm, their biplane engine stalls and they crash land on a mysterious island they never even knew existed...
Wade:
I've never seen this place before. Where the hell are we?
Chester:
We've crash-landed!
Wade:
Yes, that much is obvious.
Chester:
On an island.
Wade:
Your powers of observation never fail to astound me Chester.
Chester:
What's that passing over the mountain?
Wade: (sarcastic)
Clouds?
Chester: (alarm)
Clouds of...
Wade:
Locusts!! Run to the forest! They hate forests...hopefully!
THEY HIDE UNDER A LARGE LOG.
Chester:
How long do you think we'll have to wait?
Wade:
Just until they pass?
Chester:
And how long will that be?
STRANGERS VOICE, WELL-TO-DO, INTERRUPTS.
Stranger:
Four minutes and twenty nine seconds. I tell a lie, twenty eight, and another twenty seven, now it's twenty six. I keep lying for some reason.
Wade:
Who the hell are you?
Stranger:
Edmirald Hafflin is the name and; hello.
Wade:
Hello. What do you do here? Where did you come from?
Edmirald:
This and that, here and there. You know me.
Wade:
That's just it. We don't know you at all.
Edmirald:
That's an awful pity. Let's change all that. Shall we exchange shirts?
Wade:
Why?
Edmirald:
Mine is rather a good shirt with five emblems that was bestowed upon me when I worked for-
Chester
interrupting)
What kind of a name is Edmirald anyway? It sounds like you're half admiral, half emerald or something.
Wade:
You were saying that you worked for...
Edmirald:
Yes I did or did I? I could be lying again. Right-ho, that's my ride.
Chester:
The locusts?
Edmirald:
And whoosh
Whoosh sound.
Wade:
Well that was weird.
Chester:
I know. What kind of a whoosh sound was that supposed to be?
Wade:
There goes the last locust. Let's move on. We need to get some logs, bind them
together and pry the plane back into position for takeoff.
Chester:
There's some lovely ground here. It's full of nature, probably logs too if we think about it hard enough.
Wade:
Help me lift this debris, there may be logs lying underneath.
Chester:
Now the logs are lying! (Shouts)
Does anyone tell the truth in this place!?!
Wade:
Help me lift you imbecile.
FX undergrowth being heaved.
Boy:
Hey! Why did you lift my roof off?
Chester:
Because we're tearing up roofs in the hopes that it helps our plane.
Wade:
What are you doing down there boy?
Boy:
Talking to you.
Chester:
He's lying!
Wade:
Alright sonny, who are you?
Boy:
They call me Earth Kid Bobby Landers. The boy who fell from earth.
Wade:
The boy who fell to earth you mean?
Boy:
No. I fell from earth.
Wade:
From earth to where?
Boy/Bobby: (sing songy)
Well to here. From here to there and back to there from here to there if you know what I mean.
Chester:
I do yes.
Wade:
I'm beginning to like you Bobby Landers. We would really appreciate your help with our plane.
Bobby: (sing songy)
No way I'm afraid, I'm afraid no way I'm afraid, no. For I've to go from here to where to there.
Chester:
Fair enough.
Wade:
Help me lift this log will you.
Hunched over elderly man:
I'll help you. You can be my master. Oh I've longed for a master for years. Yearned to be pushed around for two score and years and more years and score.
Wade:
Thanks for the offer but this is very difficult work and you're already hunched and old.
Chester:
I don't trust this guy. He's too old. Who are you?
Old Man.
I'm Jim of the Feck. That's it really. But watch me get to work.
FX Much grunting and rustling etc.
Wade:
Wow! Thank you so much Jim of the Feck but I'm afraid nothing has moved whatsoever.
OldMan/Jim of the Feck:
Grrr not again! Nothing ever moves. Did I do wrong? Oh crush me master. Break my miserable tooth.
Lord Pendellum:
Lord Pendellum swinging iiinnnn. Hang onto my...me and I'll swing you back into action. On you go, that's it boys. You'll be in flight in my time which is no time. Before you know it you'll be drifting through the clouds again!
FX BIPLANE IN FLIGHT.
Wade:
By George Chester we're back!
Chester:
He's lying.
END.
gappy gets my vote.
Close but Gappy.
Michael, he put his heart into that one, a real rasper.
I'm in a Michael mood.
'Tis the Gapman for me too. Lovely sketch.