gappy
Wednesday 7th June 2023 6:47pm
Oxford
2,709 posts
TOMMY:[IN THE STYLE OF THOSE "HIRE A CELEB O GIVE A PERSONAL MESSAGE" THINGIES] Hi, it's me, Tommy Cannon - one half of Cannon & Ball. Now, I heard tell that you have a birthday coming up. All I can say, me love, is happy birthday and....rock on, Annie!
[IT'S KIND OF A RUNNER, SO ASSUME THERE'S A GAP OF SOME SORT BETWEEN EACH SPEECH, IF YOU'D BE SO KIND]
TOMMY: Annie, how you doing, it's me, Tommy Cannon, and a little bird has told me that you've been married for 30 years today! Well, hey, I were never the funny one, as people always liked to mention, but let me do me best, and wish you, Annie, a happy anniversary - Annie-versary. Oh, yeah, and rock on!
TOMMY: Annie, Tommy. That's like your body, innit, annietommy? Hey, but never mind that now, I have heard that last week you went to Pret a Manger. The one in Clerkenwell. And you had a crayfish sandwich and a tin of pop with elderflower in it. Quite posh, that, for a butty lunch! I hope you liked it - I don't know I weren't there - not even, like across the street, or anything. But, anyway, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, rock on.
TOMMY: Hi Annie. Right, so this time I discovered that as well Pret A Manger you like to buy sandwiches in Boots. Well, maybe you don't like it, exactly, but it's handy, isn't it, Boots. I saw you going in this time. And then, I waited, and saw you coming out, having a good old nosh on that there aforementioned sandwich. Now, I couldn't see from my vantage point what filling it was. But, I know now, because I found the receipt, in your bin. Tuna mayo. Classic, that. Classic Annie. Rock on!
TOMMY: Annie, sad to get your answerphone again. Cos I only get one phonecall and - oh, it's Tommy, by the way, in case you don't...no, you do, I think. But look, I get one call because I'm in the police station, so I rang you! But now I think about it, that's kind of funny, because I've been arrested for...I don't know, asking questions at your gym. David Lloyd, Stevenage. And I don't think that's a crime, exactly, but they said you'd made some, ah, complaints. So, look, I just wanted to say sorry. And rock on, obviously! Cos that's what we always used to...but mostly sorry. I don't know why I picked you, Annie. I've just felt untethered since Bobby passed on. Just so lonely, Annie. Adrift. [WHISPER] So lonely. [BRIGHTENING] Anyway, hope you're well and, err - hey, on the plus side, I'll probably see you in court! So that'll be nice. [PAUSE] Rock on...if you can...for me. Just for me.
[YES, THIS IS DEEPLY LIBELLOUS, I APOLOGISE TO TOMMY, BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH]