F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox and APlate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox, APlate - 2
Next topic: Reading
Leg closed: 19.4.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 9 Gappy
2 8 Otterfox
3 7 APlate
4 2 Teddy, Me
EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAY
A MAN and a WOMAN stand outside a large suburban train station.
MAN
So, you see, even though the prompt was 'reading', we're actually going to set the entire skit here, in Reading.
WOMAN
Uh huh.
MAN
We'll just act like we got confused at the start, you see?
WOMAN
Yes, I see. Very clever.
MAN
And by doing this, it also means that we can actually segue elsewhere, and make the skit about whatever we want. Not just books and that. Which is why I brought all this.
He gestures to his right, where a goose, a spatula, some silk lingerie and a bucket of custard sit.
MAN (Cont'd)
Finally, my greatest skit, my magnum opus can be realised.
WOMAN
Mmm hmm. There is...one tiny problem with your plan, though.
The man's excited smile slowly gives way to a frown. He sighs in defeat.
MAN
Yes. Fine. I know what you're going to say.
WOMAN
Ok, good. Because--
MAN
Even though the two words are homographs, that is to say they're spelled exactly the same, they're not actually homophones, that is to say they're pronounced completely differently.
WOMAN
Um...
MAN
Which means that the skit could never possibly work when performed out loud, because we could never legitimately sell the idea that we'd got the two words confused in casual conversation. So all of this is a complete waste of time because the core concept is completely undermined from the start.
WOMAN
Well, I suppose that's a problem of sorts. But there's a bigger problem than that.
MAN
Ugh. I know!
WOMAN
Right, good, so you understand that--
MAN
The bigger problem is the fact that we're entirely made up!
WOMAN
...What?
MAN
We're just characters in a skit that doesn't even work. Fictional constructs given life by the reader, who will cease to exist as soon as said reader gets to the end of the page. The attention span of whom is the only thing separating us from returning to the perpetual void of eternal non-existence!
WOMAN
Um, wow. Really?
MAN
Yes! And you know what the worst part is?
WOMAN
Well, I have been trying to point that out--
MAN
This whole skit is so lazy, we haven't even been given names!
WOMAN
We haven't?
MAN
No! See? We're just 'man' and 'woman'! We haven't even been granted the dignity of any deeper form of self-identity for our brief period of conceptual substance!
WOMAN
Ok, well, that is all very troubling, I'll grant you. But there's actually an even more fundamental issue--
MAN
Don't tell me. The custard's gone cold.
WOMAN
No. More fundamental than that.
MAN
The goose is having second thoughts about the lingerie?
WOMAN
I--No.
MAN
What, then?
WOMAN
We're actually in Swindon.
The man looks to his left and sees a sign for Swindon train station.
MAN
Oh, for fu--
THE END
JACKSON:Was there anything else, sir?
BOSS: Of course there is! You only just came into my office. We have a problem with the printer. It's full of pilchards. I need you to fix this.
JACKSON:I think we need to call Estates, to be honest.
BOSS:Not literally to get rid of the pilchards! To get rid of the situation that allows the pilchards to arise.
JACKSON:Warm water chimneys in the seas off Sicily?
BOSS:The situation whereby you keep employing the sort of people who put pilchards in printers.
JACKSON:It's never happened before.
BOSS:No, but we have had such similar occurrences as a shop floor full of marzipan pixies, Gladys from Accounts being set on fire, and the pot plant in Reception renamed Xanthore The Mellifluous.
JACKSON:That one helped with morale, sir.
BOSS:Not once the chapel had been built around the plant pot; and the pigeon sacrifices began.
JACKSON:That was a dark Wednesday.
BOSS:Jackson, since you took over HR, have you been deliberately employing people who are insane?
JACKON:Yes.
BOSS: Oh. I was not expecting you to say that.
JACSON: Oh, yes, I thought it would be a good idea to get mad people to work here.
BOSS:But why?
JACKSON:Because it helps.
BOSS:It does not help. Why would you think it helps?
JACKSON: I read it once.
BOSS: We've all read things, Jackson, why would you assume that this particular thing you read was guidance on how to run an office?
JACKSON: Because I read it in an office. And it was on wood, not just some old paper, so they clearly stodd by it: employing mad people helps.
BOSS: It helps lizards get painted on all the lever arch files with marmalade, perhaps, but it doesn't help business.
JACKSON:I think you're prejudiced, sir.
BOSS:I am absolutely not! I have no problem with those members of the community who have mental health issues, or psychiatric diagnoses - I'm so fair-minded and sensitive on this front that if I were to make a joke involving people with mental health issues, I'd go out of my way to ensure it was clear they weren't the butt of it.
JACKSON:Very sensible, I'd do the same.
BOSS:But I sincerely feel that our employees have to be, in terms of social functioning, sane to work here.
JACKSON:Fair enough, sir I'll bear that in mind next time we recruit.
BOSS:Excellent. Now, Jackson, let's get back to the real business of this company.
JACKSON:Which is making humorously wry signs for offices.
BOSS:No it's not!
JACKSON:Really?
BOSS:No. What part of no don't you understand?
JACKSON: Ooh, that's a good one. I must tell Xanthore...
As the 1,795 ageing celebritess gets nude all over the "social" networks, I'll save you the trouble of reading the comments with this handy summary:
Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Right, let's get the comments going: Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it... Beautiful... I think it's degrading... Nah, if you've got it, flaunt it...
Publisher:
So you want to be a writer Mr...?
Wayne: (heavy accent) (strained abrasive voice)
Uugh!
Publisher:
I'm sorry?
Wayne:
Wayne McHugh.
Publisher:
Ah, I've got it now Mr. McHugh.
Wayne:
Neughh!
Publisher:
I'm sorry? McNew?
Wayne:
Neughh! Not McNew. Waynemac Hugh.
Publisher:
Your first name is Waynemac?
Wayne:
Yeughh!
Publisher:
Are you saying 'yes' or 'yuck'?
Wayne:
YEUGHH!!
Publisher:
......right. Well.....you have a book that you'd like to pitch to me, is that correct?
Wayne:
Uh um!
Publisher:
Thats the book title is it?
Wayne:
Neughh!
Publisher:
No? 'Uh um'? Is that your way of saying the affirmative 'umhmm'?
Wayne: (less abrasive)
Uh um.
Publisher:
Great. That's only taken us a few minutes. And what is the book called?
Wayne:
How to christen an otter or a least indoctrinate him into the Christian faith in some capacity.
Publisher:
Wow. That was incredibly clear. So is that the title or are you just talking? Well done on the clarity though.
Wayne:
Teughh!
Publisher:
'Thank you?'
Wayne:
Teughh!!
Publisher:
It was tough writing the book? Well writing a book can be very difficult.
Wayne:
TEUGTL!
Publisher:
Te- Teugtel...tugal...total...tidal...title! All that otter business was the 'title'. Right, well we don't publish any religious books I'm afraid. Have you anything else?
Wayne:
Reveal the hen.
Publisher:
You want me to-to show you a hen?
Wayne:
Neughh. TEUGTL!
Publisher:
Neugh teugtl, neugh teugtl, new, no, no. Title. Reveal The Hen is the title! And it's about revealing hens...?
Wayne:
Cegal neugh.
Publisher:
Wow....ah, Cycle north?
Wayne:
Cegal neugh.
Publisher:
See enough?
Wayne:
Cegal neugh.
Publisher:
Seagull nurse?
Wayne:
Cegal neugh.
Publisher:
Sentence nuts?.......Maybe we'll leave that book aside for the moment. Anything else or that's it probably I'd say...hopefully...
Wayne:
To Fake Your Life.
Publisher:
What's this now?
Wayne:
Teugtl.
Publisher:
Title! I can't help noticing that you are able to read the titles perfectly fine but then struggle when speaking.
Wayne:
I deugl knaw whet yougdl taiketl abult.
Publisher:
Oh sweet Lord! Maybe test my theory and just read the blurb of one of your books. I'll take this one for reference.
Wayne:
Have you ever found yourself at a loss for words? In a predicament that you desperately wish to escape from? Or just find that a situation isn't as feathery as it could be? Then why not reveal the hen? Our classy new system allows you to cry fowl on all other tough situation revelation resolutions. This book shows you how to reveal a hen every step of the way. Become at one in the ways of the fowl. Works within a free range of fifty yards. With this book the three nevers apply. 1. Never be at a loss for words. 2. Never be at a loss for non-embarrassment. 3. Never be at a loss for hens. **WARNING.
Publisher:
Incredibly coherent Waynemac! And I have to say I am rather intrigued by the book too. What is the warning in the tiny writing at the bottom?
Wayne:
Reading this book or even the blurb may result in almost entire speech f**kup. Sorry.
Publisher:
Shitutl!
End.
HEAVY META
WIFE: What're you typing?
HUSBAND: Oh, just trying to do a script for a competition on the British Comedy forum.
WIFE: Oh. Can I read it?
HUSBAND: Funnily enough, the subject is 'reading'! So, it would be quite appropriate for you to 'read' it!
WIFE: Oh, that's hilarious!
HUSBAND: It is, isn't it! Maybe I should use it! (laughs)
WIFE: No, it's not THAT funny. Anyway, scroll up to the first post, so I can read what other people have written.
(HUSBAND SCROLLS UP)
WIFE: What's that there? Something about the Spice Girls?
HUSBAND: Oh, it's just a sort of in-joke.
WIFE: You're not writing pervy fan-fiction, are you?
HUSBAND: Good Lord, no, dear.
WIFE: Hmm.. I'm still reading the stuff at the top. (POINTS AT SCREEN) What does that word mean? It looks like 'congratulations', but it looks like it was written by someone having a fit.
HUSBAND: Yes, yes. I know it all looks a bit odd, but it's just...
WIFE: "Winking"? What the Hell is THAT all about?
HUSBAND: (laughs) It's nothing, don't worry about it. Anyway, let me scroll back down, and you can read what I've...
WIFE: What's that? (POINTS AT SCREEN) "Runners... are... nowt"? What does that mean?
HUSBAND: Actually, I've never quite understood that bit.
Tough choice - some really strong offerings and very different and peculiar takes on the subject.
But my vote goes to Crindy, for really thinking outside the box with some creative twists and stuff.
Yeah, awesome wank. Gappy.
Crindy gets my vote, but I enjoyed A Plate's "inside baseball" effort, and Michael makes a cast-iron point.
It's Crindy for me too with an honourable mention to A Plate.
Good week for me to join in with. Lot of fun ideas. 
I think I'll just lean towards A Plate. I'm a sucker for meta humour.