F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy, Otterfox - 2
Next topic: Animals
Leg closed: 15.3.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 5 APlate
2 4 Otterfox, Gappy,
3 2 Teddy
4 1 Me
BLOODY GOOD FUN
Barber welcomes his next customer...
"Ah good morning... Do come in, sit down...
My my, just look at those split ends. Disgraceful!
Now stop struggling, I really must cut them off... Oooh, horrible!
So what do you do for a living?... Work at the zoo eh? Now don't move about, I really must...
Ah that's better! Now I'll just add the razor - sorry - sorry again - well just leave it ruffled eh? Ha ha...
Time for a lather - a shower - a wipe dry. A long long wipe dry and a good old rub till... Beautiful! You'll be the envy of your colleagues."
Camera pans out to show a baboon's bottom.
CAT CHAT
SCENE: TWO CATS ARE SITTING ON A SOFA, HAVING A CONVERSATION
CAT 1: I'll tell you who I hate. Dogs.
CAT 2: Oh yeah, I know what you mean. I hate them too.
CAT 1: There's a spaniel next door, called Simon. He can't go out for a walk on his own. He doesn't do anything on his own.
CAT 2: No independence?
CAT 1: Well, I don't know what newspaper he reads. But when he goes to the lavatory, he doesn't even bother burying the result. So it's a bit of a minefield out there. Gotta
watch your step.
CAT 2: Oh, they're right messy buggers, dogs. And they're noisy, aren't they!
CAT 1: Christ, tell me about it. Simon the spaniel makes a right racket. I can hear him in next door's garden sometimes. Always when I'm trying to nap, all I hear is...
CAT 2: Bark, bark, bark..?
CAT 1: No, I don't think he listens to any classical music. But it's that horrible doggy noise, whatever it's called. His owners should do something about it.
CAT 2: Oh, the 'woofs'?
CAT 1: Well, I don't know anything about their private lives. But they should keep the canine bastard under better control. Put a muzzle on the sod.
CAT 2: Bloody dogs.
CAT 1: Yeah, they get right on my tits. All eight of them.
[DIRECTOR and their ASSISTANT DIRECTOR are reviewing rushes from a day's shooting. Sounds on the rushes are slightly tinny, to differentiate. The film has the style of a soapy melodrama]
GLADYS: [Tinny] You've got a nerve, coming back here. [Beat] After...after last night. [Stifles a sob]. Did any of what you said mean a damn thing? [Beat. Then emotional] Why don't you speak to me?
DIRECTOR: Alright, stop there.
ASSISTANT: Gladys was pretty convincing, I thought.
DIRECTOR: Sure, yes, Gladys was fine, but what about him? Look, he's nowhere near his bloody mark. Howe many times did we go through this?
ASSISTANT: Oh, it's OK. Tell you what, we've got time, we'll shoot a few placement shots and edit them in, plus we'll throw in a bunch of close ups, and it'll work a treat.
DIRECTOR: Alright, I suppose; start it up again.
GLADYS: [Tinny] God, I can't believe I let you get me into this mess.
DIRECTOR: Oh, come on, look he's barely in the frame at all there.
GLADYS: You're a monster, McGonagal!
DIRECTOR: And now - he's not, is he? He's urinating. He's actually urinating on the set. I don't know why I let you talk me into hiring him.
[Tinny dog bark]
God, that wasn't even his cue! Stop the tape, there's no point watching any more of this, it's a cocking disaster.
ASSISTANT: OK. OK. Right. I think you're being a tiny bit overly critical, rushes always look ropy. What we'll do, we'll dial down the picture quality in post-, give it a nice grainy, voyeuristic feel, stick a good score underneath, and we'll be away. These things always come together in the edit.
DIRECTOR: Steve, what we're supposed to be seeing here is a hitman torn between the woman he loves, and loyalty to the gangsters who brought him up from the ghetto gutter, the only family he ever knew. What we're actually seeing is a dachshund sniffing a chair, then taking a long piss. We'll have to just cut our losses and recast, he's never going to work.
ASSISTANT: Well, you could get more out of him if you tried.
DIRECTOR: What's that supposed to mean?
ASSISTANT: He's a young actor, overwhelmed by the studio environment, you're not giving him the nurturing care he needs to grow. He could be one of the greats, I honestly believe that.
DIRECTOR: He's a dog!
ASSISTANT: He's a brilliant actor, in my professional opinion.
DIRECTOR: Steve, he's your dog!
ASSISTANT: No, he's not. At home he's my dog, right, granted; at work he's just another colleague, and my objective opinion is that he's destined for the big time. Let's leave it one more day, eh? I'll have a quiet word, and tomorrow you'll see magic.
DIRECTOR: Alright, Jack - last chance, mind. Now, I wasn't sure about some of the shadows on those takes, get that lighting man in here, will you?
ASSISTANT: [Shouting] Gareth!
[Huge clomping sound, and strange growl-screech. DIRECTOR and ASSISTANT drop out of character]
DIRECTOR: What was that?
ASSISTANT: My pet stegosaur.
DIRECTOR: Is that how a stegosaur sounds?
ASSISTANT: Well, nobody knows, do they? Probably close enough.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, but it's supposed to be a cat. Everyone knows what a cat sounds like. That's the joke, see - the lighting director is your pet cat.
ASSISTANT: I know, I know, I just thought stegosaur was funnier.
DIRECTOR: But it makes no sense.
ASSISTANT: That's why it's funny! Take it one step further, get the bigger laugh.
DIRECTOR: Only once you know it should have been a cat. Nobody knows that except us.
ASSISTANT: Course they do. It's bleeding obvious from about line 6.
DIRECTOR: Is it?
ASSISTANT: Jesus, yes. Right off the bat you know how the sketch will end.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, I guess. Shall we just drop this one?
ASSISTANT: Never really liked it. [Loud voice] OK, everyone, we're cutting the rushes sketch.
[Some VOICES of sketch recording crew sound disappointed]
GLADYS: [Out of character, and angry] For Christ's sake! [Storms out]
DIRECTOR: Stupid sketch, it really is. The dog was decent though, wasn't it?
ASSISTANT: That's the irony, the dog did a bloody good job. We should totally work with him again...
Int auditorium day.
Ted talk style setup.
Man takes the stage and addresses the crowd.
William:
Welcome, welcome everyone to this years conference. Each year, as you know we revamp an animal. Bring out new versions, splicing from here and there to really revolutionise a genus. This year we're delighted to say that the leopard has been chosen as the revampee. So, without any ado let's reveal to you now what our team of experts have come up with.
The leopard, for the longest time has only had two types; snow and...um, leopard itself. The first reinvention I'm excited to reveal to you is the Dancing Leopardllama. This cool cat just can't stop dancing. From hot-stepping to the Charleston to getting on down to hot Latin beats, depending on where and when we decide to release it it will adapt to the natural dances of its environment. It has been designed to have an instinctual desire to dance as if it were to stop for even a moment it would immediately chase itself down and eat itself. It's a confuser that's for sure and will undoubtedly shake up the leopardy world.
Next up we have another amalgamation but just that bit more mental. We've successfully managed to fuse a snow leopard with a jigsaw. Introducing the beast known as the Snowjaw!...just one moment...
Assistant approaches William.
Assistant (whispering): 'Snowjaw', snow and jaw. That's nothing got to do with a leopard. That's a mistake.
William:
I say we just go with it.
Assistant:
Go with it? It's nothing got to do with leopards and it has 'jaw' not 'saw'. Jigsaw ends in 'saw'.
William:
Could we say part snow, part.....am......lockjaw?
Assistant stares.
So the animal is half precipitation, half infection?
William (weakly):
....yeah....
William: addressing crowd.
I'm afraid a mistake was made there folks. Moving on swiftly to things that can actually be. We looked at the water and realised that leopards were terribly underrepresented at sea. Introducing our latest hybrid; half fish, half leopard - the shark leopard!
Assistant beckons again:
Assistant:
Um...it already exists.
William:
What already exists? An aquatic leopard?
Assistant:
You've heard of a leopard shark?
WILLIAM:
Leopard shark? Leopard shark? They're just copying us. Next you'll tell me that there's some... horse fish.
Assistant :
Seahorse.
William:
What!!?? Ok, some sort of, I dunno insect horse then.
Assistant:
Horsefly.
William:
Ok then. A cat but at sea.
Assistant:
You mean like a catfish?
William:
Right, cats are out. How about dogs though? A dog...but also a farm animal.
Assistant:
There are dogs already on farms.
William:
Yes but not dogs that are half farm animal half dog. Name me one of those? Haha! Got you!
Assistant:
A sheepdog.
William:
Jesus! (Addressing crowd) Sorry folks, just a few technical difficulties. (To assistant) A simian but it's also an insect.
Assistant:
Like a spider monkey?
William Addressing crowd:
Folks I'm afraid that.....Right!! Half a flippin' ducks face and half (looks down at his feet) footwear! Get out of that one!!
Assistant:
You mean like a shoebill
William:
Aaaaaaahhhh!! As I was saying, I'm afraid....I'm afraid!
He clumsily races off stage.
END.
Some quite offbeat offerings in this round! I vote gappy.
Another Gappy.
Very tough choice. I really don't know. Otterfox? Yes, let's say that.
It's the baboons arse in the form of Mr. Monkhouse for me.