F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to APlate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
APlate - 3
Teddy - 1
Next topic: Pictures (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 18.2.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 5 APlate
2 2 Otterfox, Gappy, Teddy
3 1 Me
J:Here you go, thanks for the loan.
M:What do you call this?
J:It's that hankie you lent me. You were a life-saver, I have to say, that was embarrassing, streaming nose right in the middle of that big talk I was giving.
M: Sure, sure, but I assumed you were going to clean it!
J:I did. All washed.
M:Alright, it might not be snotty, but there's all this black stuff in the middle.
J: Oh, yeah, that won't come out.
M:You can't just toss "that won't come out" at me. What the hell is it?
J:It's an image of my nose.
M: Sorry, one more time?
J:It's the image of where my nose touched the material.
M:Tell me, Jesus, how did that happen?
J:I don't really know. I just get, like, imprints when I touch cloth.
M:When you what?
J:No, not like that, just literally touch cloth. Like, with my face. The face goes onto the material.
M:And what am I supposed to do with your cotton nose-print?
J:Hang it up as art?
M:I don't want some old nose on the wall, do I?
J:Alright, tell you what, give me another hankie, and I'll imprint my eye on it, that'll look cool.
M:An eye for a nose? That doesn't sound like a workable ethos.
J:I'll buy you a new one then.
P:[APPROACHING] Oi! Who's been using my flannel?
J: Oh, sorry, Peter, that was me.
M:Got a picture of his stupid face on, has it?
P:No. Not his face. Look at this!
M:[SEXY GURGLE] Oooh! Look at that big thing, it's like a bloody menorah! Jesus, you kept that quiet, like a thief a night. Do me a hankie of that, and I'll put it on the wall
P:Mary Magdalene, you dirty beast.
EXT. DAY.
PRESESNTER (GORDON) IN SMALL COUNTRY VILLAGE SPEAKS TO THE CAMERA AS HE APPROACHES A HOUSE.
GORDON:
Of all modes of transport my favourite would have to be the UFO. Luckily, I find myself in a village where sightings have by no means increased but are still reported from time to time. And it was in this very house that a couple reported a sighting only last night. Let's see what they have to say for themselves...
GORDON KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND AN ELDERLY MAN ANSWERS.
GORDON:
Betty and Barney Eddy?
BARNEY:
I'm afraid you're mistaken, I'm just Barney. You may keep looking.
BARNEY BEGINS TO CLOSE THE DOOR.
GORDON:
No. Barney Eddy and your wife is Betty.
BARNEY:
Why didn't you say that in the first place instead of confusing the matter?
GORDON:
I'm here about the UFO.
BARNEY:
Was it you that was driving it?
GORDON:
That's a good place to start actually. I heard that you didn't just see a UFO but you also saw beings emerging from it.
BARNEY:
Yes, I heard that too.
BETTY ENTERS.
BETTY:
He means tell him about the little men we saw.
BARNEY:
I'll tell him by drawing them or he can forget about the whole thing.
GORDON HANDS BARNEY A PENCIL AND PAPER.
BARNEY DRAWS ON THE PAGE AND HANDS IT BACK TO GORDON.
GORDON:
This is a picture of matchstick men. Are you saying that this is how they looked?
BARNEY:
I never said anything. I was very sure about that. I drew them.
GORDON:
And they looked like that?
BARNEY:
They are that.
GORDON:
I don't follow.
BARNEY:
That's them. What I've drawn is them right now.
GORDON:
Alright, let's change direction. Tell me about the UFO. Did you get any idea where it might be from?
BARNEY:
At a guess I'd say the universe.
BETTY:
Yes, the universe.
GORDON:
Let's umm... can you take me through you're experience of last night.
BARNEY:
I can take you through the experience if that's any good to you. I was looking out the back porch like I do most nights; laughing at a drain, which I do most nights when I saw something shoot across the sky, like I see most nights.
GORDON:
Wait, you see this most nights?
BARNEY:
Oh yes, but I'd never seen anything like this. I had so much not seen it that I called Betty over.
BETTY: 'Betty', he said, 'I'm calling you over.'
GORDON:
What was different about this?
BARNEY:
It was its trajectory. It flew like a panther.
BETTY:
Then it plummeted.
BARNEY:
Yes, plummeted like a panther and then it crashed into our field.
GORDON:
Wow! This is incredible.
BARNEY:
So myself and Betty, Betty, that's my wife, went out to the field where we saw it crash and that's when the matchstick men appeared.
BETTY:
With their very strange walk.
GORDON:
What was strange about it?
BARNEY:
They walked like panthers.
GORDON:
Maybe they were just some panthers?
BARNEY (disgruntled) :
How could they be when they weren't!
GORDON:
Ok, ok, no need to get prickly. Anything else to report?
BETTY:
Tell him about the seahorse.
BARNEY:
Oh yes. They kept referring to me as 'Keith Seahorse' and wanted to know where they could find edible seahorses.
BETTY:
And they wanted us to put apples on our ankles and make weather out of cushions.
GORDON:
I'm going to have to cut you off there as my suspension of reality is hanging by a thread and we still have to do a reconstruction. Barney, if you can stand by the back porch just like you did last night. Betty, you're in the kitchen.
BARNEY:
So, is it still today or is it last night now?
GORDON:
It's last night. Aaand actio-
BARNEY:
But you weren't here.
GORDON:
It's today but while we're filming it's last night. And act-
BARNEY:
So what happened to everything we did today? Just wiped I suppose. We'd better be paid well for this, taking us back in time to last night like that.
GORDON:
It's not really last night.
BARNEY:
Well, if it's not last night then we saw nothing.
GORDON GROWS FRUSTRATED.
GORDON:
Jesus! When I say action we're pretending it's last night. It's not actually last night. We're in a new day obviously but I need you Barney to pretend that it's last night and act just like you did then. Do you think you can do that Barney? Can you perform this simple task? Just - Pretend- It's - Last - Night!
BARNEY:
Why didn't you say? It's obvious when you finally explained it properly.
GORDON IS NOW SEETHING.
GORDON:
Just-just look out the window and do exactly like you did last night. And action!
BARNEY (ACTING):
Oh my God, what the hell is that!? Come over here Helen!
GORDON:
Cut! Your wife's name is Betty. We'll go again...and act-
BETTY:
Am I still Betty?
GORDON (EXASPERATED):
Of course you're still- What is you name? What is your actual name? What's your bloody name?
BETTY (unsure) :
Betty?
GORDON:
Betty! Do you think you'll be able to remember that for the next 11 seconds... Barney, ready? And act-
BARNEY:
It's Barney Eddy, not Barney Reddy.
GORDONS ANGER BUILDS.
GORDON:
Fine! FINE! ACTION TA FUCK!
BARNEY (ACTING) :
What is that? Oh my Frod - God Benny, Helen. I mean Betty.
GORDON (RESIGNATION):
F**k it! F**k it! It's utter bullshit anyway!
GORDON THROWS HIS MIC AWAY, KNOCKS THE CAMERA AND THROWS BARNEYS DRAWING TO THE GROUND. THE MATCHSTICK MEN CLIMB OFF THE PAGE.
END.
Both are really good, it's a difficult choice. I like Otterfox's "make weather out of cushions" and such peculiarities. But I'll vote for gappy, the whole Turin shroud idea and how it's gradually revealed was done well.
An easy decision for me this round, perhaps, but that doesn't mean I wasn't highly tickled by
"I'm afraid you're mistaken, I'm just Barney. You may keep looking."
Loved them both. Otterfox by a pube.
Not sure exactly how Gappy arrived on a shroud of Turin sketch but it was great. The whole concept had me giggling. Easy decision too. Gappy it is.