Little Eddy and Big Eddy are sat on a sofa dressed in tuxedos smoking a spliff as their mate Bobby enters.
BOBBY
What's all this?
LITTLE EDDY
We're going to see Madame Butterfly
BOBBY
Is that those tickets you won on that stupid phone in?
LITTLE EDDY
It wasn't stupid, you'd be surprised at how many people can't spell banana backwards when they're put on the spot.
BOBBY
I know what you two are like for get rich quick schemes, I thought you'd have well sold them by now!
BIG EDDY
Sold them ha!
LITTLE EDDY
We checked on- line, you can only get 1200 quid for them
BOBBY
1200 quid you should have bit their hand off!
LITTLE EDDY
It's peanuts
BIG EDDY
Peanuts
BOBBY
Well then, your financial circumstances have drastically improved. So, you can give me the 50 quid you owe for last weeks weed?
LITTLE EDDY
You wait, you'll have that and more
BIG EDDY
Well more!
BOBBY
Go on then...
LITTLE EDDY
Madame Butterfly, Covent Garden, Gala Night the place packed with well to do people sitting in a private boxes. Now what's the first thing that goes through your head when you see that.. and be honest!
BOBBY
The Muppets
LITTLE EDDY
And....
BOBBY
I don't know ...Assassins?
LITTLE EDDY
Bang on!
BIG EDDY
Exactly!
BOBBY
You're going to assassinate someone? That's a big step up even for you two, if you don't mind me saying so!
LITTLE EDDY
We're not going to kill anyone
BIG EDDY
We just pretend to, its harmless
BOBBY
I'm sure it is! So go on then I can't believe this but I'm actually intrigued ...
LITTLE EDDY
Right as you just proved, if you're sat in a box at the theatre, there is no way that the idea of an assassin hasn't gone through your head a few times. And that includes people who've never broke a law in their lives!
BIG EDDY
It's true we tested it
BOBBY
Tested it?
LITTLE EDDY
Yeah we did a dry run at Billy Elliot
BOBBY
A dry run? A dry run of what
LITTLE EDDY
Eddy has the lazer pen and he can hold it high enough to start the beam on the man's knee and slowly goes up his body to his forehead. Meanwhile I film their reaction on my phone and we post it on You Tube and get adverts on it
BOBBY
Did it work
LITTLE EDDY
Like a charm he hit the deck like a bag of shite
BOBBY
No I mean did it make money with the adverts and that?
LITTLE EDDY
We never put it up to be honest as it wasn't all that good. It is was a matinee performance, cheap seats and understudies. Plus the pretend victim was dressed more like a shoe shop manager.
BIG EDDY
Then he started having a fit and people were helping him ...
BOBBY
A fit!
LITTLE EDDY
It wasn't a fit, I looked back as we ran out, they had him sitting up and everything
BOBBY
And you're going to do it again?
BIG EDDY
As Eddy said that was dry run, we know what to do and not do this time
LITTLE EDDY
This is Gala Night, Covent Garden! This one will have the full tux perhaps even a sash if we're lucky. And his bird will probably be wearing a tiara as well. Now that's what the internet wants to pay to see!
BOBBY
I can't see this going wrong I really can't
BIG EDDY
Neither can we
Little Eddy is handcuffed to a hospital bed, he has a bandaged head. An armed police officer is sat next to the bed
BOBBY
What the hell happened?
LITTLE EDDY
All I can remember is nudging Eddy to say ready and I started filming the dot on his knee.
BOBBY
That's all you can remember?
LITTLE EDDY
There was a load of bangs, and then Eddy dropped stone dead and my head felt like it was on fire.
BOBBY
The surgeon said if you were and inch taller you'd be as dead as Big Eddy
LITTLE EDDY
I know
BOBBY
So what now?
LITTLE EDDY
Well, I get the stitches out after dinner and then the CIA are flying me out to somewhere called Langley this afternoon.
BOBBY
I can't believe you didn't know it was the American Ambassador with a full bodyguard
LITTLE EDDY
To be honest we were that far back we thought it was Johnathon Ross
BOBBY
Now that would have been hilarious
LITTLE EDDY
I know, we would have made a fortune