F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
APlate, Teddy - 1
Next topic: Theatre
Leg closed: 18.2.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 2 Otterfox, Gappy, APlate
2 1 Teddy, Me
TWO UNDERSTUDIES, FRED AND HARRY, ARE BACKSTAGE
FRED: Have you heard? Clive's broken his leg!
HARRY: You hum it, I'll smash your face in.
FRED: What?! No, it's not a song, Harry. But, good Suggs impression. Anyway, Clive's seriously broken his leg.
HARRY: Oh, right. He did it seriously, did he? Not in a light-hearted manner?
FRED: Look, if Clive can't go on, then I'm gonna have to go on instead. Damn. I bloody knew this would happen.
HARRY: How's that, then?
FRED: Well, er, it was me that broke his leg.
HARRY: Oh!
FRED: He was taking the piss out of me again. Saying I'm just an understudy, and making animal noises. To be honest, I'm not sure why he did the animal noises. Anyway, I picked up a piece of scenary, and whacked him on the leg with it.
HARRY: The show starts soon, Fred. You'd better get ready. Get some make-up on.
FRED: Make-up?! I'm an understudy, not one of those sexual deviants I've read about in The Telegraph. Now, let's run through my lines quickly. Um... What do I say again?
HARRY: Er, I think he only had one line of dialogue. He just says 'I'm a happy gardener'.
FRED: Oh, God. I'm never gonna remember all that.
HARRY: Yes, I can see how that would be a strain.
FRED: I can't go through with it. I suppose I could set fire to the theatre.
HARRY: Yes, that seems like a perfectly proportional response to your predicament.
FRED: Have you got any fire?
HARRY: No, Fred. I haven't got any fire with me this evening. But I've got a surprise for you.
HARRY PULLS A CORD, AND CURTAINS OPEN, REVEALING THE AUDIENCE LOOKING AT THEM
FRED: What's... what's going on? This doesn't make much in the way of 'sense'.
HARRY: This is the show, Fred! We've secretly been filming you for hours, and putting it on a big screen for the audience to enjoy at your expense. And now they're all seeing it live. And so are the police. Better put on your best performance.
FRED: But... But what... how..?
CLIVE HOBBLES INTO THE SCENE ON CRUTCHES
CLIVE: Well, good luck, Fred. (MENACINGLY) Break a leg.
MUSIC TO MY FEARS
THEATRE.
DIRECTOR and APPLICANT.
APPLICANT Hello director, is this the audition for your musical?
DIRECTOR No, applicant, it's a clumsy set-up for the sketch... So, just to check your qualifications. Do you have any experience of producing musicals?
APPLICANT No.
DIRECTOR Okay... Do you have any experience of performing musicals?
APPLICANT Um - no.
DIRECTOR Fine. Do you have any experience of musicals?
APPLICANT In a way - no.
DIRECTOR Ok. Just to test your knowledge thereof. 'We Will Rock You' is a musical written be Ben Elton and based on the music of Queen.
APPLICANT What's Queen? I thought it died...
DIRECTOR So, who wrote 'We Will Rock You'?
APPLICANT Not sure.
DIRECTOR And it was based on the music of which band?
APPLICANT Um...
DIRECTOR And what was the name of 'We Will Rock You'?
APPLICANT No idea. Sorry...
DIRECTOR Right... 'Jesus Christ Superstar' was about which religious figure?
APPLICANT Um - Muhammed Ali?
DIRECTOR Broadway musicals are traditionally performed on which stage?
APPLICANT A nice one.
DIRECTOR And 'Cats' is about which popular feline pet?
APPLICANT Pluto?
DIRECTOR Well I'm very sorry applicant, but you are, in the words of Samuel Beckett, total shit. Utterly unsuited to work on a musical.
APPLICANT No worries... Anyway, I'm off to Gay Pride.
DIRECTOR See you at rehearsal.
MAN & WOMAN: [SINGING] ...Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Ian, happy birthday to you.
IAN: [CHILD] Thanks. I'm having a lovely time. But, please don't call me Ian.
MAN:Why not?
IAN:I'm changing my name. I need a stage name for when I launch my beatboxing career.
WOMAN:Right. I had no idea. What name were you thinking of?
IAN:Catwoman.
WOMAN:I think there's already a Catwoman.
IAN:Really? I thought I knew all the big beatboxers.
MAN:Well, no, she's not a beatboxer per se, but you can't really take her name.
IAN:Is Catwoman in Equity?
MAN:Err, I don't know. She's definitely in Gotham.
WOMAN:All the same, perhaps it's not the best name for you, Ian.
IAN:Alrighty. My new name will be Shadowblast! In brackets!
MAN:That seems a bit silly.
IAN: Square brackets.
MAN:That might be worse. Why don't you think of a less strange, and more common name?
IAN:Tesco! From now on, call me Tesco!
WOMAN:That one's copyrighted.
IAN:Tesco Metro!
WOMAN:That also is.
MAN:I was thinking, personally, that maybe you could try not doing beatboxing at all. Maybe you're not ready to be a professional mouth-musician yet.
WOMAN:That's right. Perhaps stick with who you are for now, and save the spittle percussion for another day, Ian.
IAN:Yeah, I suppose.
HAND:[OFF] Five minutes, My McKellern.
IAN:Coming!
WOMAN: So, now that's sorted, can you stop talking in that funny voice?
IAN:No, sorry. This isn't a beatboxing voice. Helen Mirren kicked me in the balls.
HELEN:[OFF, GROWLED] McKellern? You in there?
IAN:Lawks! It's Mirren!
A telephone conversation.
RECEPTIONIST
Good morning the Royal Albert Hall how can I help you
MAN
I've got you on speaker phone with my wife as I want you to help to settle an argument
RECPTIONIST
An argument?
MAN
Yes, this concert you're advertising with Lang Lang and Yo Yo Ma
RECEPTIONIST
What about it?
MAN
Lang Lang can play a piano can't he
RECEPTOINIST
He certainly can
MAN
Told you... and Yo Yo Ma can play the cello
RECEPTIONIST
He is considered to be the best in the world
MAN
Told you
RECEPTIONIST
Wil that be all sir?
WOMAN
Hello will you do me a favour and tell this dickhead that neither one of them are Pandas
RECEPTIONIST
Pandas no of course they're not Pandas
WOMAN
There I f**king told you!
Phone goes down.
Difficult choice, but I'll go for Teddy, I liked his ending the most.
A Plate.
A Plate
Another Plate.