a plate
Tuesday 14th February 2023 2:12am
755 posts
TWO UNDERSTUDIES, FRED AND HARRY, ARE BACKSTAGE
FRED: Have you heard? Clive's broken his leg!
HARRY: You hum it, I'll smash your face in.
FRED: What?! No, it's not a song, Harry. But, good Suggs impression. Anyway, Clive's seriously broken his leg.
HARRY: Oh, right. He did it seriously, did he? Not in a light-hearted manner?
FRED: Look, if Clive can't go on, then I'm gonna have to go on instead. Damn. I bloody knew this would happen.
HARRY: How's that, then?
FRED: Well, er, it was me that broke his leg.
HARRY: Oh!
FRED: He was taking the piss out of me again. Saying I'm just an understudy, and making animal noises. To be honest, I'm not sure why he did the animal noises. Anyway, I picked up a piece of scenary, and whacked him on the leg with it.
HARRY: The show starts soon, Fred. You'd better get ready. Get some make-up on.
FRED: Make-up?! I'm an understudy, not one of those sexual deviants I've read about in The Telegraph. Now, let's run through my lines quickly. Um... What do I say again?
HARRY: Er, I think he only had one line of dialogue. He just says 'I'm a happy gardener'.
FRED: Oh, God. I'm never gonna remember all that.
HARRY: Yes, I can see how that would be a strain.
FRED: I can't go through with it. I suppose I could set fire to the theatre.
HARRY: Yes, that seems like a perfectly proportional response to your predicament.
FRED: Have you got any fire?
HARRY: No, Fred. I haven't got any fire with me this evening. But I've got a surprise for you.
HARRY PULLS A CORD, AND CURTAINS OPEN, REVEALING THE AUDIENCE LOOKING AT THEM
FRED: What's... what's going on? This doesn't make much in the way of 'sense'.
HARRY: This is the show, Fred! We've secretly been filming you for hours, and putting it on a big screen for the audience to enjoy at your expense. And now they're all seeing it live. And so are the police. Better put on your best performance.
FRED: But... But what... how..?
CLIVE HOBBLES INTO THE SCENE ON CRUTCHES
CLIVE: Well, good luck, Fred. (MENACINGLY) Break a leg.