F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 2
APlate, Me - 1
Next topic: Pets (c**tsey of Gappy)
Leg closed: 7.2.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 2 Otterfox
2 1 APlate, Me
DITCH 'HIKERS'
PSYCHOLOGIST'S STUDIO.
PSYCHOLOGIST and PATIENT.
PATIENT Oh golly gosh and strike my gonads, psychologist, you simply must aid moi...
PSYCHOLOGIST Never fret ye now, patient, I've studied in Stoke.
PATIENT I'm obsessed - bedevilled - bepricked by The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galacksis. So are my pet mice, Frankie and Benjy.
PSYCHLOGIST Oh Zarquon...
PATIENT The primary phase was in '42, but seems a Trillian years ago, all my life...
PSYCHOLOGIST Don't talk to me about life, the universe and everything.
PATIENT I was at Fenchurch, jipping a Pan-Galactic Gargle-Blaster in the disaster area of a restaurant at the end of the universe and everything, about to be demolished to make way for a new hyperspace bypass. I was quipping a babel fish...
PSYCHOLOGIST Salmon?
PATIENT Of doubtable quality, with 'alf a dent, as they dug lesser dams. And another thing: it fit the first dish of the day, but was too much to afford, Prefect...
PSYCHOLOGIST Oh no, not again.
PATIENT What's eating you? So my random deep thought in the secondary phase of this trilogy in five parts was, almighty Bob! I think you ought to know I'm very depressed, paranoid, and, Roy...
PSYCHOLOGIST Don't call me that. Is this a gag, Al?
PATIENT Front of my two brains goes afod - I mean awol - this is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think...
PSYCHOLOGIST Ah, throw in the towel, or I'll quote some Vogon poetry... Just, don't panic. This is mostly harmless. And so long...
PATIENT And thanks for all the help... Oh bugger.
DON:Alright?
LORNA: Not in the least. Things are getting me down.
DON: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Anything in particular?
LORNA:My owner.
DON:Your owner?
LORNA:Yeah, my owner - really crapping on my lifestyle parade.
DON:Alright, we'll leave "lifestyle parade" aside for a moment, but how do you have an owne?
LORNA:Because I'm a cat.
DON:You're not a cat.
LORNA:Course I am.
DON:In what sense are you a cat?
LORNA:I mean, how many senses can there be?
DON:Until today I'd have said one.
LORNA:There you go then, golden: I'm a cat.
DON: Sure, whatever, you're cat. So what's wrong with your owner? Doesn't feed you enough?
LORNA:Yes, obviously that; but specifically, at the moment, my owner is too sexy for me.
DON:What does that mean?
LORNA: Don't you understand words anymore? My owner is sexy to a degree that I find excessive.
DON:You mean you want to f**k your owner?
LORNA: Don't be disgusting! We're not even the same species. Did you think my owner was also a cat?
DON:No, but...you said you wanted to have sex with them.
LORNA:Finding someone sexy and wanting to have sex with them are in no way similar.
DON:They pretty much are.
LORNA:Not to this cat. I just mean that what happens is, I'm going about my daily business, such as licking my bottom or pushing a vase from a mantel, and my owner is in my peripheral vision, all sexy, and it puts me off.
DON:How are they sexy?
LORNA:Just...in their ambience.
DON:But, they're not just sexy, they're too sexy for you to...do cat things?
LORNA:Right! It's a farrago of pain, but I'm getting no sympathy from you, am I?
DON:Alright, I'm sorry your immoderately erotic owner is impacting on your feline existence.
LORNA:Better.
LYMON: You think you've got it bad! I'm his shirt.
LORNA: Oh you poor thing!
DON:I wish I were dead.
A man walks into his garden and looks down at his pond.
He can see a massive hole in the net and that all his fish have gone.
The man storms through his house and out the front door and down next doors path.
As he bangs on the door the couple inside the house pick up two penguins that are playing with a ball on the mat by the fire.
They then hide them in the fridge freezer and indicate to them to shush..
'THE PET SHOP PLOY'
MOUSTACHIOED 'SPIV' WALKS INTO A PET SHOP
HE HAS A NEWSPAPER IN ONE HAND, AND A BRIEFCASE IN THE OTHER
PET SHOP OWNER: Good afternoon, sir. Can I help you?
CUSTOMER: Hello. I've got a proposition for you. If you give me a dog, then I'll swap it for this briefcase. It's a straight exchange, no money involved.
PET SHOP OWNER: A very intriguing proposition from sir. May I ask sir what the briefcase contains?
CUSTOMER: That's the gamble, you see. The briefcase might contain something great. It might not. Are you prepared to take the risk? Swap a dog for this briefcase?
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, what sort of dog does sir want?
CUSTOMER: A f**kin' green one that goes 'quack'! What do you think?!
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, I think sir is having a little joke. I was enquiring about the breed. Perhaps sir would like to have a Shih Tzu?
CUSTOMER: Don't be disgusting. I already told you, I want a dog. A canine creature that runs after sticks. Surely you must know the sort of thing?
PET SHOP OWNER: Oh yes. All right, sir has won me over with his delightful discourse. I shall accept your offer, select a dog at random, and swap it with you for that briefcase and its contents.
PET SHOP OWNER GETS A PUPPY FROM UNDER THE COUNTER
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, here's the dog.
CUSTOMER: It's a bit big. But it's great. OK, here's the briefcase.
HE PUTS THE BRIEFCASE ON THE COUNTER
PET SHOP OWNER: Thank you, sir. I shall now open the briefcase in order to view the contents.
PET SHOP OWNER OPENS THE BRIEFCASE AND TAKES OUT A BOWL WITH A GOLDFISH IN IT
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, it appears that I have just given sir a dog, and in return, he has given me a briefcase that contained a goldfish in a bowl.
CUSTOMER: You got it, wise guy.
PET SHOP OWNER: Hmm. Is sir going to leave now, then, with his new dog companion?
CUSTOMER: No, no. That was never part of the deal. I'm going to stay here.
PET SHOP OWNER: Er... What? You're going to stay here in the shop?
CUSTOMER: Yes. Of course.
THE DOG SITS BY THE COUNTER
THE CUSTOMER WALKS OVER TO A LARGE CAGE AND GETS INSIDE
PET SHOP OWNER: Well, it appears that sir has just got into a cage which is traditionally used for housing non-human animals.
CUSTOMER: Yep.
CUSTOMER SITS DOWN AND STARTS READING THE NEWSPAPER
CUSTOMER: So, what's for tea?
THE DOG, STILL SITTING BY THE COUNTER, LOOKS UP AT THE PET SHOP OWNER WITH A CONFUSED EXPRESSION
gappy this week.
APlate.
Possibly it was just because the brief simplicity of the sketch and the fact that it was silent meant that it was an unusual entry, but I enjoyed Teddy's the most this week.
In a non back scratching fashion I will plump for Gappy this week.