F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and me for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Gappy, me - 2
Next topic: Magic (c**tsey of APlate)
Leg closed: 25.1.23
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 8 Gappy
2 7 Otterfox, Me
3 3 APlate
STALK-ON PART
WEIRD GROVE.
LADY and WITCH DOCTOR.
LADY Goodness goolies, Mr Which Doctor?
WITCH DOCTOR I.
LADY I meant, Witch Doctor, I'm weally worried, terribly perturbed and awfully awful.
WITCH DOCTOR Don't worry, my good person, I hath trained in Stoke. Do tell...
LADY Yerse, I'm being stalked, molestfulled and harrassings. Look at this texting:
WITCH DOCTOR (reads) 'I've seen you around and I think you're most attractive.' Gosh.
LADY Yerse, and that's not the quarter of it. Check out this WhattsFak note...
WITCH DOCTOR (reads) 'I'd like to offer you dinner...' Crikesy!
LADY And last and most least, do peruse this Bacefook letter...
WITCH DOCTOR (reads) 'You're just me type. Will you go out with me?' Gooly....
LADY Gonad, indeed! So do work that magic to find the wapscallion and place him behind bars.
WITCH DOCTOR Right this instant Squiress. With my powers, magic and shittiness...
LADY and WITCH DOCTOR (swivelling) Time is passing... What else can it f**king do?
WITCH DOCTOR Ah, fret yer not, we've located the beast, and his WhatsBapp c**tection hereonforce with this phone device.
LADY Good, and get him locked away this instant.
WITCH DOCTOR It's a Mr Brad Pitt, of...
LADY Oh my God, Braddie babes! That is AWESOME! How sweet... Gimme the number. (dialling) What a gent. Romance is not dead...
1:What you doing?
2:Making a sandwich
1: Oh, I could help.
2:I think I got it covered.
1:Go on.
2:How would you help?
1:I'm a wizard.
2:That's no help.
1:No, I mean not a normal wizard, like you'd see every day.
2:Never seen one.
1:Yeah, well, they see you. That's their power.
2:That's eyes, everyone's got that.
1:Not everyone. But psychic wizards, they see you inside as well. They see your brain.
2:And what do they see?
1: Someone who's completely unaware that they're hanging out with a psychic wizard.
2:I doubt "hanging out" is the term you want.
1:More fool you.
2:I still don't see how you'd help me make a sandwich by being a wizard.
1:I'm a cheese wizard.
2:How does that work?
1:I don't know, paranormal, isn't it?
2:I mean, what do you do?
1:Read the cheese mind.
2:Will that help?
1: Don't know till we try, do we?
2:And is this block of cheddar saying, "ooh, yes, I do so hope Darwin eats me"?
1:Is your name Darwin?
2:Yes.
1:I never knew. But no, it's not.
2:What is it thinking, then?
1:It's almost impossible to translate. Cheese doesn't think in English, does it?
2:You're telling me you can read the thoughts of dairy products, but you can't actually comprehend what they mean?
1:Roughly. I could try to translate, but you wouldn't understand.
2:Try.
1:[DEEP BREATH, THEN SILLY SQUEAKY VOICE] Ooh, yelloweth undercream, slabmound slabmound, saltish crumbloid. Thin-slim-slicer smoothy-slash, watching out claggy claggy melteriser intra-toast of ripewarm self-slide lava tasties. [BEAT] Cathedral City. Splank.
2:That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
1:Yeah, well...it's your cheese. Buy cleverer cheese next time. [PAUSE] I can tell you where to get some.
2: Oh, is this an ad?
1:Yeah.
2:It's my bloody kitchen. [TUT] What it's an ad for?
1:Not saying.
2:Every day with you is actual hell.
1: I know. Wizardry is more of a curse than a gift.
I was looking for a Magician for my wife's Birthday
One guy I met said he was available and gave me his card
Unfortunately it wasn't the one I was thinking of
ROVING REPORTER ((Dan)
With me now I have a man called Martin Egan who looks for all the world - boring ...but it seems that he isn't! So Martin, when did you turn magic?
MARTIN:
I was after getting into my car outside the church when I realised that I'd dropped my comb so I stepped back out to search the ground by the car for the comb by the car.
DAN:
Jesus!
MARTIN:
Exactly. I asked Jesus Christ our lords assistance. I saw my reflection in a puddle when I noticed it ripple suddenly.
DAN: (eager):
You were turning magic?
MARTIN:
No. A car had splashed me unmercifully by, what I believe to be a purposeful drive into puddle situation with the sole purpose of drowning a comb searcherer.
DAN:
So that angered you into magic?
MARTIN:
Yes and no. Mainly no. I watched the car drive off and thought about shaking my fist angrily but if the good lord wanted us to shake our fists we wouldn't have been given the dexterity of our fingers, so I flipped him the bird instead.
DAN (Mumbles)
Some bit of something interesting finally. So can you get to the magic!
MARTIN:
Well the comb had fallen very far-
DAN:
Forget about the bloody comb!
MARTIN: (Taken aback)
The comb had fallen very far under the car so when I reached in to grab it I noticed my hand wrap around a comblike object, so I grasped it and put it in my pocket.
DAN:
Good Jesus! This is awful.
MARTIN:
Yes, it was a terrible situation and you're right, thank you Jesus. So I stood up to re-enter the car but I'd forgotten that I was still under it so I damaged myself somewhat. The last thing I noticed was the splash car driving down the road.
DAN:
Can you please get to the magic? We don't care about combs and splashings!
MARTIN:
Now I was in some predicament. Unconscious, splashed to the high heavens and fallen to the lowest level gravity will allow - the ground.
When I came to, the splasher car was a few metres further down the road but looked to be slowing down. I crawled out from under the car and saw the priest get out.
In that moment I didn't care. I know I worked as a choir in the church but I was angry-
DAN:
So that's your magic? You're a whole choir!
MARTIN:
No. I was angry! I'd been splashed to the four winds and almost made combless. So I shouted loud enough for him to hear. I roared: 'I hope to God that if you walk under some trees that you get attacked by a kestrel.' And lo and behold he deedly did.
DAN:
So you said it and it happened?
MARTIN:
Didn't I say it did? Didn't the good lord give us ears. What is there not to understand?
DAN:
Deedly.
MARTIN:
Deedly did! And unmerciful mauling for Fr. Merlin. Ruptured fingers, shattered ears - the works.
If the good lord didn't want us to get our ears mangled he wouldn't have given kestrels the tools to make shit of them.
DAN:
So the magic is in there somewhere is it? The fact he's called Merlin or is your magic just kestrels attacking priests?
MARTIN:
Well.....yeah.
DAN:
Fine. Well look stay with us for the minute. I'd like to hear the other side of the story so joining us now is the kestrel.
FX: Loud flash sound.
DAN:
Jesus! Martins disappeared!! Alright kestrel-
FX: Kestrel attacking. Loud roars.
DAN:
Aah! Oh God no! NNOOOOOO!!!
END.
THE MAGICIAN WITH A RABBIT HEAD
A MAGICIAN WALKS ONTO A STAGE IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE OF ABOUT 20 PEOPLE
THE MAGICIAN'S HEAD IS A BIG RABBIT HEAD. HIS BODY IS HUMAN.
MAGICIAN: Good evening everyone!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Boo!
MAGICIAN: Oh. Sorry if you're not satisfied with my performance so far.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You've got a f**kin' rabbit's head, mate!
MAGICIAN: Yes. Not one of the more imaginative heckles I've had, but yes, you're right.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Pull yourself out of a hat! (laughs)
MAGICIAN: Well, that would be a challenge.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Get on with it!
MAGICIAN: What do you mean, 'get on with it'? This IS it. Sorry, isn't a man with a rabbit's head magical enough for you?
SILENCE
MAGICIAN: Ah well, onto the next bit of my act. How about a pleasant mind reading trick? Sir, would you like to join me on stage? A round of applause for this gentleman!
HALF-HEARTED APPLAUSE AS THE AUDIENCE MEMBER JOINS THE MAGICIAN ON STAGE
MAGICIAN: Now, think of a number between one and...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Hang on. That's not a mask! You really ARE a rabbit!
MAGICIAN: Well, I'm technically part-rabbit, part-human. But I suppose that's just splitting 'hares'. Get it?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, God!
MAGICIAN: It wasn't THAT bad, was it?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: But you really are a big rabbit monster!
MAGICIAN: Not just me! Look out at the audience!
THE AUDIENCE ALL HAVE RABBIT HEADS
THE AUDIENCE MEMBER ON STAGE SCREAMS AND EVERYONE ELSE LAUGHS IN A SINISTER MANNER
Otterfox this week, Martin was a weirdly likeable character with a few good lines, just saying stuff like "the splash car" was quite funny for some reason!
A Plate, because it's like Inland Empire in sketch form.
Another for Otterfox this wank.
With men with rabbits heads and the thoughts of cheese it's refreshing that mine wasn't the weirdest this week. I liked the 'pull yourself out of a hat' line in A Plates sketch. All good but when it came down to it I thought that the Monkhouse's had the nicest flow to it so 'tis Mike Monkhouse for me.