F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 4
Gappy - 1
Next topic: Furniture
Leg closed: 13.12.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Otterfox
2 4 Gappy
3 3 Me
FUNNITURE
TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER and CONTESTANT.
PRESENTER Welcome back lazies and dentedmen and that. Tonight's c**testant is Richard Ende, and to win this morning's star prize - yes, we're giving away a whole star - all he has to do is guessed this afternoon's secret topic... Dickie, are you nervous?
CONTESTANT Um - pass.
PRESENTER Shut it. Now would you like a hint?
CONTESTANT Not sure.
PRESENTER Shut yer face. Now, imagine an ARMCHAIR critic bringing to the TABLE - not under the TABLE - the red CARPET off the SHELF.
CONTESTANT Um...
PRESENTER Or some COUCH potato flying off the HANDLE, hitting the ROOF in DESK rage, because some CRADLE-snatcher won't lay his cards on the TABLE but jumps the COUCH about getting one in the OVEN...
CONTESTANT No, sorry.
PRESENTER Oh, for fu... You part of the FURNITURE? Wanna save the FURNITURE, you DOORMAT? You've made your BED of roses to lie like a RUG in with a skeleton in the CLOSET or CUPBOARD love, SOFA spud watching 'California SUITE' with Kevin SPACEY the DESK jockey and sharpest tool in the DRAWER on both sides of the DESK, and so to BED, BED and board, BED and breakfast, BED and f**king anything but the kitchen SINK, the CHAISE longue, only the best for the captain's TABLE, on the TABLE, under the TABLE, TABLE TABLE TABLE, FURNITURE. FURNITURE. FUUURRRNNIITTTUUURRREEE!
(PRODUCER runs in, hugs PRESENTER.)
PRODUCER You've guessed it! Let's get you this evening's star prize...
(They run out.)
CONTESTANT Turned the tables there.
Ext. day. Establishing shot of 'Dennis's Books' bookshop.
Int Back Office.
A man (Books) sits hunched over a computer screen with a frustrated look on his face.
Books:
I've run this shop for twenty years, I've read countless books and own even more, surely I can write one. I mean it's my name for heavens sake! C'mon!
Typing:
"We are at war", The colonel made the shock announcement whilst shaving his legs in front of the troops.
Books:
No!
He rolls up a page and throws it away.
Books:
They say if you can get the first line right, you'll....be really good or something.
Typing:
The fridge was filled with conkers again, it would be a long and exciting night in the bishops palace.
Books:
God no!
He crumples up another page and throws it away.
Books:
This time!
Typing:
Galby Hexler loved the life of the sea. The see absolutely hated him however.
Books:
Ah no! What's wrong? I know I'm brilliant but-
Young shop attendant (Mark) enters.
Mark:
Mr. Books where did you want the new shipment of kids books?
Books:
Ah God!!! Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me!!
Mark:
No sir, you didn't.
Books:
Well I meant to ok, I meant to! Get out of my sight, go home!
Mark:
Home sir?
Books:
Yes! The place where you live. Go there - now!!
Mark:
But I live here. You said I could stay in your spare room until I got settled.
Books:
Do you always remember everything I say and don't say? Go...just go away!
Mark walks off.
Books:
Interrupting me with kids books. Kids books...maybe, just maybe...
Typing:
Once upon a time....
Books:
No, too formulaic.
Typing:
Twice upon a time. (Grimaces)
He rolls up another page and throws it away angrily.
Books:
Jesus! What is it? It's the ergonomics or feng chi or shui or something. All I know is that it's definitely not me.
He stomps out to the shop floor and continues to the front door. He sees a man packing tools, ladder etc into his van.
Books:
Shop fitters! Fantastic! Excuse me, would you have a spare few minutes to looks at my situation?
Fitter:
Sure, no problem.
Fitter follows books Into store.
Fitter:
So how can I help you Mr-?
BOOKS;
It's Books, just like the name of the shop. It's written over the door.
Fitter:
Ah yes, Dennis Books.
Books:
Is that what it says over the door?
No it's not. It says Dennis's Books.
Fitter:
Yes books owned by Dennis.
Books:
No my name is exactly as it appears over the door.
Fitter:
Your name is Dennis's Books?
Books:
Praise be! He's got it!
Fitter:
So what do need me for um...Dennis's?
Book:
I'm trying to write a book but my desk is all wrong. It's uninspiring. I don't know if it's the layout of the room or the angle or the fung odh or aerodynamics or what. All I know is I've got the brilliance but it's letting me down. As a fitter I though you might have some idea.
Fitter:
Sure, I'll take a look.
He leads the fitter to the office. Books heads back to the shop floor.
Fitter to desk:
What's the matter darling? Don't mind him, he doesn't deserve you. You just need to be pampered a bit. Let's move you towards the window. Hmm, this picture should be close to the window too...
Clock ticks forward an hour. Books opens the office door to a completely empty room.
He runs to the front door to see the fitter driving past in his van. The fitter waves in a friendly manner.
Books:
What kind of a shop fitter are you? Shop fitters are supposed to- supposed
On the side of the van is written 'Shoplifters'
Books (realisation):
Aah....shit!
END.
1: Cor, what do you think of that little piece of work?
2: Look at. The legs. On that.
1: Phwooar, yeah. What a brilliant table. And check out the bevelling.
2: Curves in all the right places, mate!
1: Ooh, check it out, sexy chest at two o'clock.
2: With drawers flagrantly on display, I notice. But, look at that filthy little credenza cabinet!
1: With the doors splayed wide? I can barely look anywhere else...except that davenport nuzzled up against that rococo escritoire.
2: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I love the Dunelm Furniture Whorehouse.
1: Which do fancy spending time with, then? I could be all day long on that chaise longue, all day long, on the chaise longue.
2: And I'd get in amongst that sofa and matching armchairs.
1: Sweet!
2: Yeah. But, not today.
1: Why not?
2: Wait till the next bank holiday, they'll all have taken at least 50% off.
(I must have been looking at that saucy postcards thread too much!)
Gappy is up my passage this week.
They were both pretty mystifying this week (not a bad thing, mind), but I have to give it to the Otter for the words "The fridge was filled with conkers again, it would be a long and exciting night in the bishops palace".
I'm surrounded by pure filth ? enjoyed both. I liked Mikes wordplay but Gappy takes it. It was the images conjured up of ogling furniture that did it.
Monkle Mikehouse for me this week for his exasperated game show presenter