Two coppers from 1970's, DI Sniffer Harris and his skipper Nobby Pallister are both left in comas after the squads Granada Ghia was in a head on smash with a Redifusion van whilst chasing villains in a Jag down the Balls Pond Road.
And by some quirk of fate, they wake up as Police Officers in 2023.
Mini Episode One 'TARTS'
A man in a suit is laying dead on the grass. The area is roped off and there is a row of police cars and forensic vans on scene.
INSPECTOR JENNY HALL
We've been told to hold off apparently two big shots are on the way down from the Yard.
The next minute a Granada Ghia comes in sideways doing 60 mph.
DI Sniffer Harris and Nobby Pallister get out dressed in houndstooth jackets and kipper ties. They light a Woodbine up as they flash their Warrant cards and walk under the rope straight to the body to the dismay of the Forensic team.
Sniffer and Nobby go to work on the corpse.
Nobby uses his betting office pencil to lift the victims gums and expose his teeth.
NOBBY
Look at the Hampstead's on him guv, he's had more work done than Librace. There must be three hundred quid's worth there at very least.
THE DI holds out the victims hands as he speaks.
SNIFFER
Look at his Germans, feel how soft they are? He's never even slept in the same room as a shovel
NOBBY
His whistle has to be the best part of 90 quid and he never got those brogues from Freeman Hardy and Bleedin Willis either.
On seeing the lack of caution from either officer the forensic team approach with professional caution.
Sniffer then sees a cigarette stub on the grass and he gingerly picks it up .
SNIFFER
Nobby give us something to throw this in will you. It could have dabs on it. Plus its tipped , looks a bit poncy, it could even be tailor made
NOBBY
Now that would be double handy.
Nobby pats his jacket and takes out an envelope, but he looks unsure.
NOBBY
I've only got this guv but my pools coupons in it and its already got the stamp on and everything
At this point a forensic officers in a white hooded paper suit sarcastically and silently hands DI Harris a plastic forensic bag.
Sniffer is not impressed as he grabs the bag.
SNIFFER
What did you do with the goldfish, flush it? And what's with the all the Dr Who get up.
Before the forensic man can answer, Nobby is putting his pools coupon away when he spots an orange lipstick stain on the victim's collar.
NOBBY
Guv come and take a look at this
SNIFFER
I knew it there had to be a Tart involved and going by the colour of that. we're looking for a brass.
Inspector Jenny Hall walks over
JENNY HALL
Sir the forensic team need to go over this scene or whats left of it, we could have lost valuable DNA and we need to see his phone, it may have a tracker or emails or anything.
SNIFFER
Sweetheart I haven't got the foggiest about what you just said and to be honest I'd get a headache if you tried to explain it. God knows how you expect to find his phone when nobody even knows who he is yet let alone where he lives. Me and my skipper here will find the nearest knocking shop and find the Brass that fits the orange slipper and get some proper answers.
As Sniffer walks over to the car Nobby has got the bonnet up and steam is coming out.
NOBBY
The bleedin radiator was playing up again guv, but its ok now . I got a full bottle water off a wooden top, what are the odds he would have that out here.
The two detectives drive off in a gravel scraping rear wheel spin.
As they drive out they almost hit a car .
The car parks and two men get out and walk over to Inspector Jenny Hall
MAN 1
Whats going on Inspector we gave explicit instructions not to enter the site
MAN 2
It may be compromised
Jenny Hall can do nothing but stammer.
Meanwhile back in the Granda Nobby is making good time by jumping the traffic lights and weaving
SNIFFER
We're making good time , we should be at the Yard by 6
NOBBY
Whats with all the rush
SNIFFER
I'm meeting that bird from the hotel we woke up in at 7
NOBBY
Oh so I'm risking my neck doing a ton, only to go in the Guiness Book of Records
as the fastest gooseberry on four wheels
SNIFFER
Would I do that, you're on as well mate she's bringing a relative
NOBBY
A relative
SNIFFER
Yeah she's her aunty or something
NOBBY
Her bleedin aunty , how olds she then
SNIFFER
Early forties
NOBBY
Early bleedin forties
SNIFFER
You don't look at the mantlepiece while you're poking the fire
NOBBY
Gawd knows where we're taking them, I'm skint and I know you're not exactly flush. It'll have to be a bottle of Blue Nun job at my flat. I think I might even have a few boxes of Vesta Curries in the larder, so we could push the boat out a bit
SNIFFER
No need my old China, there's a hundred quid in oners in the glovebox that we were going to use to trap those slags playing Chase the Ace on Oxford Street.
NOBBY
But they're all marked
SNIFFER
You know that and I know that, No one else does. We get paid on Friday we can put it back and remark it. Leaving me with 60 and you with 40 to splash around.
NOBBY
Leave off, why not bleedin 50 /50
SNIFFER
I'm pulling rank because if all goes t plan ,there's the hotel and taxis to cover as well.
NOBBY
Well I suppose so, and if Old Aunt Sally is up for a bit I'm sure she won't mind a Kings Cross B&B.
SNIFFER
Boy are those two in for a surprise
Nobby guns the engine as he speaks
NOBBY
You're telling me guv. Oh and don't forget to remind me to post my bleedin pools coupon