A greasy Spoon cafe
CUSTOMER
I couldn't finish that!
DOUG
I'll have to start lowering the portions
CUSTOMER
It was inedible!
DOUG
Well you've certainly cheered me up, I never normally get compliments
CUSTOMER
I have no intention of paying for it
DOUG
What am I supposed to do with it?
CUSTOMER
I have no idea but whatever you do don't eat it
Customers exits
A student has been waiting
EVAN
Excuse me are you the proprietor?
DOUG
I've been called worse
EVAN
My names Evan I'm a student at the university
DOUG
Gives directions with his hands
Oh your miles out your way, you need to go out of here and turn left at the Trumpet shop and then it's a good ten minute walk up to the bus station.
Looks at his watch
If you're lucky you can catch the number 6 and if you're not you'll have to get the 7. If that's the case try to sit near the driver
EVAN
Sorry you have the wrong end of the stick I've come in about the help wanted sign in your window
DOUG
Wipes his hands on his overall
Sorry about that son, we get that many lost people coming in here I'm surprised they don't keep a Sally Army soldier on guard outside"
EVAN
Is the position still open?
DOUG
Have you got any experience?
EVAN
No but I'm really keen and I learn fast
DOUG
Well I can't fault your attitude
EVAN
I'm a great time keeper and extremely reliable honestly
DOUG
That's what the last one said, I haven't seen him since
EVAN
I really need the work; my grant barely covers my rent and my parents are not in a position to help me financially
DOUG
Throws a filthy tea towel for Evan to catch
All right son I'll give you a whirl
EVAN
Thanks, I won't let you down I promise
DOUG
I'll give you a month's trial and we can take it from there
EVAN
I hope you don't mind me asking what the wages are.
DOUG
They're what you get at the end of the week!
EVAN
Sorry I mean what's the hourly rate?
DOUG
Suspicious
You're not a Serbo Croat are you?
EVAN
No I'm from Cardiff.
DOUG
Well that doesn't make you a bad person
EVAN
I really am keen and I don't care what I have to do
DOUG
You should fit in here then
EVAN
Why did you ask if I was a Serbo Croat?
DOUG
I had to let one go last week, that's why the signs up
EVAN
Wasn't he up to the job?
DOUG
No he was a cracking worker.
EVAN
What was the problem then?
DOUG
he punters said he sounded like Count Dracula
And he a habit of picking his teeth with his dirty finger nails
The punters started calling him the 'Dirty Count'‟
EVAN
You sacked him for having poor English?!
DOUG
Did I hell we cater for anyone in here including scousers
EVAN
Then why did you sack him?
DOUG
He was over charging the customers
EVAN
Perhaps he didn't understand our currency
DOUG
He understood it alright! He was on first names terms with the manger of the local Bureau de change.
When he said he was sending money home I didn't think he meant my money!
The till was down that much I couldn't even afford to eat here myself"
EVAN
Well you don't have to worry about me I'm as honest as they come
DOUG
Let's not go nuts eh? When times get this hard you might find that you have to depend more on your wits than your morals"
EVAN
I know what you mean, last week I had to buy a kids train ticket to get home to Cardiff to see my Parents
DOUG
I lie about my age all the time; the tax man thinks I'm 11"
EVAN
So when do you want me start?
DOUG
No time like the present, you get stack them dirty dishes and I'll show you the ropes as we work ok?
EVAN
Apologetic tone
Doug I think I should at least ask about the remuneration?
DOUG
Look son you're obviously a very bright lad
EVAN
Thanks
DOUG
I'll be honest with you I'm not too smart and I have trouble with big words
EVAN
You mean remuneration?
DOUG
That's the one, we never did Latin at our school and even if they did I had to leave at four
EVAN
You had to leave school at four that's terrible
DOUG
Well that's what time they shut!
EVAN
Oh, I thought
DOUG
Hands Evan an apron
There you go son, your very own staff uniform
EVAN
This says 'Little Chef'?
DOUG
I get them cheap off the internet; I have to lie about my height.
EVAN
I don't mind jumping in at the deep end, but the truth is I don't know much about cooking."
DOUG
You'll definitely fit in here then
EVANS
Begins collecting the dirty dishes
These plates remind me of being in hospital
DOUG
I hope you know I don't do sick pay here, I'm a sole trader!
EVAN
No I mean they actually look like hospital plates
DOUG
That's because they are, I got them in a job lot when they shut the Hospital down.
If I would have had the money I could have got their X ray machine as well"
EVAN
What use would that be?
DOUG
Security! With the amount of cutlery I lose in here it would have paid for its self in three months"
EVAN
How much was it
DOUG
Thirty grand
A new customer appears at the counter. The customer is dressed as a builder and has an Irish accent
CUSTOMER
Full Blarney, raised voice
Good morning to you gentlemen, can I have three full UK breakfasts to take out please."
DOUG
You did say THREE, not FREE didn't you?
CUSTOMER
Spells out the word in a slow manner
"T-H-R-E-E"
DOUG
Alright were not on Sesame Street! I've had trouble with that one in the past."
CUSTOMER
What, Oirish like me were they?
DOUG
They were bigger actually and one was planning on paying with a shovel
CUSTOMER
Turn nasty did it?
DOUG
It could have but then two coppers came in
CUSTOMER
That was lucky, you must have been grateful to see them
DOUG
I was until they give me a summons for parking fines
CUSTOMER
Swings and roundabouts eh
DOUG
It's more like a white knuckle ride in this place
THE CUSTOMER TAKES A SEAT AS DOUG DISCREETLY COACHES EVAN ON PRICES
DOUG
Right let's get down to the job in hand. The menu is very simple, we do 7 items, eggs, bacon, sausage, mushrooms, tomatoes, black pudding and toast. Each single item is 50p and all together they make a full English which is £4.50"
EVAN
So the full English works out £1 dearer?
DOUG
Technically, but they do get a free tea or coffee.
EVAN
I suppose it's instant coffee?
DOUG
It depends how busy we are?
EVAN
What if they ask for a bread sandwich instead of a toasted one, is that the same price?"
DOUG
This isn't the Hilton son, we only do 7 items.
EVAN
Surely it's easier to butter plain bread than make toast?
DOUG
Look son you're a clever lad, so you will hopefully understand the company policy in relation to all yeast based products utilized on company premises. It has been deemed fiscally prudent to use secondary based components which, when exposed to heat for a given period of time, will become sufficiently edible to be served without the dissatisfaction of the paying customer being unduly aroused."
EVAN
You mean we're using stale bread?
DOUG
Company policy, my hands are tied.
EVAN
But what if they insist on plain bread?"
DOUG
Firm
We throw all trouble makers out and no refunds!
A man dressed as a bread delivery person enters and walks up to the counter.
Breadman
Chirpy type
Morning Ladies
DOUG
Never mind good morning it's half nine! I ran out of thick slice twenty minutes ago
BREADMAN
I left an extra two on the front step at five o'clock this morning
DOUG
"Well they must have been robbed again! I'm sick of it, last week I lost three large semi skimmed milks and four dozen eggs off that step! I even saw the little bleeder riding off on a motor bike.
BREADMAN
Are you sure it was a motor bike, it sounds more like a scrambler
DOUG
Oh very droll, anyway I hope he gets salmonella
BREADMAN
Eh Doug you know that Dirty Count who worked here? Well he's working on that big building site over on Water Street now."
DOUG
With the amount money he robbed off me he's probably the developer"
BREADMAN
Feigns bad Slavic accent
No he's on security; I see him every morning all he does is walk round the site shouting Vault! vo dos dere!" .
DOUG
I didn't know he was Australian?
BREADMAN
He said that he's getting a big dog to patrol with this Friday.
DOUG
Sounds about right, probably that filthy sod Carol from the Post Office"
BREADMAN
How come you hate Carol so much?
DOUG
"She wants to mind her business that's why; she only met the Dirty Count after she came round here accusing me of paying my rates in dud twenties. I told her I had no idea they were duds I could have got them off anyone.
BREADMAN
What did she say?
DOUG
The cheeky cow said she has seen me biting pound coins so there's no way I would have taken a dud twenty. She was all for calling the police until the Dirty Count started making eyes at her; I had to give him a forty pound sub and the afternoon off to take her the pictures."
BREADMAN
Back row of the movies job eh
DOUG
Actually they were right in the middle until the manager spotted them with his torch and threw them out"
BREADMAN
No wonder they call him a Dirty Count!
DOUG
No give him his due he's quite old fashioned, they were only holding hands
EVAN
They got threw out for holding hands!
DOUG
No the Manager spotted the dud twenty they paid for tickets with
BREADMAN
Apparently they're engaged now. I heard he's learning English from her and that they've got a flat together above your ex wife's Deli Diner"
DOUG
Deli diner my arse! It was massage parlour when we bought it. I nearly killed myself viewing it; the stair rail was covered in Baby Oil.
The first week it opened there was four arrests for indecency alone and they still daren't leave the sausage rolls out on the counter even now.
BREADMAN
"It's doing well though Doug, your ex and her toy boy upped their bread order yesterday."
DOUG
I suppose the Toy Boys still not pulling his weight
EVAN
Is he much younger than your ex wife Doug?
DOUG
Is he hell, he was forty nine on April first and she'll be 50 this Halloween
EVAN
Why do you call him a Toy Boy then?
DOUG
He's got plastic elbows; he lost the real ones trying to stop a pallet of spuds sliding off the delivery ramp!
You want to see him in a T shirt he looks like an Action Man doll."
EVAN
Is he badly handicapped then?
DOUG
Is he hell, he just won't go near the grill, he claims he's worried in case his elbows melt. If you ask me he's taking the piss"
BREADMAN
Starts to leave
Anyway I can't stand here talking all day I've got three dozen ham baps in the van to drop off at the Kings Head for Eddy Walsh's funeral"
DOUG
Shocked
I didn't even know he was dead
BREADMAN
He's not, his wife's throwing the wake, he's up in his mothers loft till the insurance cheque clears."
DOUG
Well if you do see him, tell him he still owes me ten quid for that meat pack I sold him
BREADMAN
I doubt he'll pay you for that, he's claiming that's what killed him!
DOUG
Begins to launch a tirade
"The cheeky bast.....
THE BREADMAN EXITS AS A LARGE MAN IN WORK CLOTHES COMES TO THE COUNTER. HE HAS THE WORD 'RIPPER' WRITTEN ON THE FRONT OF HIS HARD HAT.
EVAN
Keen
Can I serve this customer?
Doug nods and carries on talking to the Breadman as he sees him out of the door.
The new customer puts his hands onto the counter his manner is at best abrupt
RIPPER
A sausage on, and tea with 5 sugars!
EVAN
Would it hurt to say please?
RIPPER
Leans forward in an aggressive manner
No but it'll hurt you if I have to.
DOUG
Intercedes
Leave this to me Evan, you go and keep an eye on those eggs for me son
Evan leaves to attend the eggs in the kitchen
RIPPER
Still agitated
I only want me usual Doug.
DOUG
No problem Ripper, how's your mother these days?
RIPPER
She's fine thanks Doug, I tell her you're always asking after her.
DOUG
Picks a dead fly off the tea urn as he speaks
The woman's an angel.
RIPPER
Who's the new lad?
DOUG
He's alright Ripper, he's a student.
RIPPER
Bloody layabouts
Ripper grins and sits at a table, Doug returns to the kitchen area
EVAN
Doug thanks for sticking up for me, but I could have handled it myself."
DOUG
That's Ripper Mc Dermott out there son and the only thing you do with him is take his money if he decides to pay and then count your blessings.
EVAN
I can't understand how you put up with such rudeness.
DOUG
Spits on Rippers sausages as he speaks
It's all water off a ducks neck to me son.
Evans mobile phone rings and interrupts the conversation,
DOUG
What's that noise?
EVAN
"It's my mobile."
DOUG
Shoos Evan
Get it away from these sausages; you'll get me shut down.
Evan holds a conversation on his mobile, he is trying not to let Doug overhear him.
Doug then passes him as he takes Rippers food over to him
EVAN
In a low voice
"Hello Trish I can't talk now I've actually got a job and they've started me right away. I'll tell you about it later"
Evan finishes his call as the Breadman returns through the back door balancing a tray of bread on his head
Breadman
Where's he gone now, I need my money
Evan goes to the counter and calls Doug over from Rippers table. Doug comes to the counter.
EVAN
The bread man wants money.
Doug enters the kitchen area
DOUG
I just saw you out, you soft sod"
BREADMAN
Spanish accent
Por Favor Senor let's not forget you owe me 198 quid exacta mundo.
DOUG
Replies in a French accent
Oh contraire Monsieur, I owe you £178
BREADMAN
You're forgetting the 100 fags you got."
DOUG
I gave you twenty quid for them
BREADMAN
You gave me a counterfeit £20!
DOUG
The fags were counterfeit so what's your point?
BREADMAN
I can't keep on losing money Doug
DOUG
I'll get you a wallet with a bit of string on for Christmas."
BREADMAN
Doug I need the dough
DOUG
Raises an eyebrow
The conversation is interrupted by Evan who been serving customers; he gives Doug the order verbally
EVAN
Can I have four bacon on and a tea please?
DOUG
Stops Evan dead in his tracks
One tea with AND four sarnies? What table was that order for Evan?"
EVAN
Table 8?
Doug walks right over to table 8. Four builders are sitting at the table they pretend not to notice Doug
DOUG
Hands on hips
Alright let's have it!
Customers try to feign ignorance
CUSTOMER
Have what? I don't know what you're on about."
DOUG
Holds out his hand and speaks in a no nonsense voice
Either you hand it over or Ripper gets a free full English for services rendered"
CUSTOMER
Promptly hands over a really large thermos flask
His manner is apologetic
Sorry Doug we saw the new lad and took a chance
DOUG
Cafe rules no flasks.
CUSTOMERS
Apologetic to a man
"Sorry Doug"
DOUG
Never mind sorry, I take it you'll be ordering three more teas.
All the men nod and Doug returns to the rear carrying the flask
EVAN
Is that common people bringing flasks in?
DOUG
They'd throw a bloody wedding reception in here if my back was turned long enough!
BREADMAN
You have to keep your eyes open in this game son.
EVAN
Any other advice?
BREADMAN
Yeah don't eat the food!
Doug empties the confiscated flask into three cups and serves them back to the same customers. he then joins Evan at the counter.
As he does so the Customer who had the flask calls out from his table
CUSTOMER
Eh Doug these teas taste funny.
DOUG
Thermos must be a problem with your taste buds.
Two men in business suits enter the café. Both Evan and the Breadman spot the men before Doug.
EVAN
These look official Doug
The Breadman appears nervous and turns toward the back door
BREADMAN
"I'm off son, tell Doug I'll see him tomorrow, if he's still in business."
Doug actually appears happy to see the two men and greets them in a very friendly tone.
DOUG
Good morning Mr Short, Mr Curly.
1st Man attempts to correct Doug
HURLEY
It's Hurley actually.
DOUG
Not for me it's not, I've been up since 5"
HURLEY
No Hurley, as in Elizabeth
DOUG
Why don't you two gents pick a clean table and I'll be over to you in a minute."
HURLEY
Speaks distastefully to his partner.
What constitutes clean in this place?"
Doug is back in the kitchen and takes off his overall, he dips his hands into the dirty dish water and smoothes down his hair with his wet hands, he then smoothes down his shirt trying to wipe egg yolk from it.
DOUG
Evan can you do me two coffees in the good cups.
EVAN
Which are the good cups?
DOUG
Just make sure they're clean and have got handles!"
EVAN
Sarcastic
You'll have to give me five minutes then.
Doug gives Evan a raised eyebrow then strolls over to the two men, his tone is very friendly.
DOUG
There are two coffees coming and I can give you five minutes so, how can I help you?"
Mr Hurley is the principle and his approach is not very convincing in fact his partner appears embarrassed by his style.
HURLEY
We were in the area and thought we would pop in and see if you've given any thought to the offer we made you the last time we spoke?
EVAN
There you go sir two black coffees, the milk and sugar are on table 4.
Evan returns to the counter, Doug looks and acts embarrassed and signals Evan to return to the table
DOUG
Sorry about this gents! Evan can you come here please
EVAN
Yes Doug?
Doug points to the coffees on the table, Evan is still puzzled
DOUG
You forgot to take the gentleman's money!
EVAN
Oh I thought
DOUG
Don't think son just follow the board prices!
Doug is not the least bit fazed as the men search for the money to pay for the drinks. Evan is clearly embarrassed
EVAN
I'm awfully sorry gents that will be two pound please.
Doug appears proud at Evans polite but embarrassed handling of the situation. Evan takes the two pound and returns to the counter area.
DOUG
Very polite lad he's a student you know
HURLEY
As I said last time Mr Gough.
DOUG
Call me Doug
HURLEY
Doug, the offer we made you could give you your biggest pay day ever. At the moment this property is still viable despite the downturn, however any delays and you never know with the way market is.
MR SHORT
"The offer made was very good and given the condition of the property"
DOUG
There's nothing wrong with the condition, I'm getting the Toilet fixed this Thursday.
The brother in law's a builder, he's been working away in Poland but he's back home now.
He got a lift off a Polish doctor who works on the Deli in Asda,"
MR HURLEY
It's a solid, honest offer Doug"
DOUG
I'll be up front with you lads, I don't want to see you getting ripped off.
This place has never made money, in the past it's been everything from a cobblers to a ships chandlers
no one has ever made money here"
HURLEY
A ships chandlers! We're twenty miles from the sea?
DOUG
Holds out his hands and gestures
"Exactly!"
HURLEY
Your ex wife seems keen.
DOUG
She would be I divorced for adultery."
MR SHORTY
Doug get back to us soon, I would hate you to miss the boat."
DOUG
Don't worry If I do, there's a life boat in the yard, it was left by the ships chandlers."
The men shake hands and leave Mr Hurley uses his hand to make a phone me gesture
EVAN
That looked serious who where they?
DOUG
Two wannabe tycoons.
EVAN
What do they want with you?
DOUG
They want to buy me out.
EVAN
What the hell for?
DOUG
Offended
Eh make no mistake; those two can see the real potential in this place."
EVAN
Sceptical
So they just walked in and said that they want to buy your café in the middle of a credit crunch and you said no?
DOUG
Not in so many words.
EVAN
Have you looked at the possibility that they might be escaped mental patients?"
DOUG
As it happens they're from Boldo!
EVAN
They're a multinational supermarket chain!
DOUG
And they didn't get where they are today by buying poor sites"
EVAN
Doug if they offer you a good price you should sell, I know I would lose my job in the bargain but would hate to see you miss out"
DOUG
That's nice of you son, but It all depends on the price, I have to give my ex wife 89% if I sell, so you can imagine there's no race"
EVAN
Was it a messy divorce then?
DOUG
It certainly was, even my solicitor got punched in the neck!
EVAN
Was she violent then?
DOUG
No she's more the cold calculating type
EVAN
Confused
Then how did the solicitor end up getting hit?"
DOUG
That was me I hit the idiot, she came for the shirt off my back and he ended up giving her my vest as well."
EVAN
So do you have to give her half of your profit, from this place as well?
DOUG
No she only gets 89% if I sell the building, the business is mine, she got the other café
EVAN
you got a raw deal there Doug."
DOUG
You're not kidding, she even got my dog Monty and she changed its name to Bunty, just to do my head in."
EVAN
At least there were no children?
DOUG
We've got two!"
EVAN
How did they take it?
DOUG
My eldest Andrew took his mothers side.
EVAN
Kids often act confused during their parents' divorce."
DOUG
He was far from confused
EVAN
So the poor sod sat there and listened to it all?"
DOUG
"I Wish he had, the little bastards a trained barrister, he represented his mother.
paid for him to go to bloody law school and he came at me like Rumpole of the Bailey
I never stood a chance."
EVAN
What about the other kid?
DOUG
Nostalgic
"Joined the Navy at 16, great with any engine you could name, fit as a fiddle, had dreams of joining the SBS"
EVAN
What happened?
DOUG
She crushed two toes when a torpedo rolled on her foot. She left the Navy and opened a little garage in London with her partner Simone; they share a house in Ealing."
EVAN
Oh so she's gay?"
DOUG
Well she seems happy enough, mind you London's got a lot more going on than round here."
Evan realizes Doug is unaware of his daughter's sexuality; he attempts to change the subject
EVAN
Is your daughter in touch with her mother?
DOUG
Not much, she hates the toy boy my wife shacked up with."
A man enters through the rear door dressed as a butcher
DOUG
Evan I have the dubious honour of introducing you to Terry Butcher, the worst meat supplier in six counties."
TERRY
Afternoon
DOUG
What do you want? I paid you on Monday!
TERRY
Calm down Doug this is not about money.
DOUG
Thank heaven for small mercies
TERRY
Rubs his chin pretending to think back
Tell you what though, I did end up with four dud twenties on Monday."
DOUG
There's a load going around, Tommy the bread man said he had one as well
TERRY
He told me that he got it off you.
DOUG
"Did he hell, the man's a liar, he's got a cheek complaining about counterfeiting, have you tried those fags he's selling? Henson & Bedges limited edition my foot."
TERRY
Relax Doug I'm not here about moody twenties; I got rid of mine the minute I spotted them!
DOUG
Give them in at the Police station did you?
TERRY
"I went in the Oxfam shop on Sidwell St and asked the old bat behind the counter if she had change for the launderette next door."
DOUG
Nice shot, that launderettes been shut for three years
TERRY
Doug I'm here to give you first refusal on my new range of sausages."
DOUG
First refusal, I bet you have offered them to everyone.
TERRY
Not a bit of it Doug, these are 100% pure meat.
DOUG
Pork or beef?
TERRY
Yes
DOUG
Which?
TERRY
Both, it's a pure meat mixture, most sausages these days are only about 40% meat, the rest is cereal."
DOUG
The ones you sell me are more like 100% cereal, if I added a bit of milk and a spoonful of sugar I could pass them off as Weetabix.!
TERRY
Stand on me these bangers will go like rockets
DOUG
"Get to the point Guy Fawkes.
TERRY
"These come from just outside the EEC, they make them totally out of offal so you can class them as 100% pure meat just don't say beef or pork."
DOUG
It sounds like too much hassle.
TERRY
"They're offally cheap.
DOUG
How much?
TERRY
You can have them on trial twenty quid a box, payable in tenners.
DOUG
I'll probably end up on trial myself, go on give us two
TERRY
That's the spirit Doug.
DOUG
I don't know why I'm asking, but what country are they from?
TERRY
I've no idea, but the lorry was left hand drive lorry so you can class them as continental
DOUG
I'll see you next Monday for my usual then.
TERRY
Exits
"Ta ra".
EVAN
Stands over the boxes of sausage
"What do you want me to do with these two boxes?"
DOUG
Is chasing a fly with a dirty tea cloth
Put them in the storeroom for now.
EVAN
Concerned
Shouldn't they be refrigerated?
DOUG
Still chasing a fly
What does it say on the box?
EVAN
"I can't make out the language, I don't even recognize the animal pictured on the box."
DOUG
Has failed to get the fly
Alright Noah just stow those two away for now, I'm nipping next door to borrow some fly spray."
Doug exits
Clock on wall shows its three thirty
Doug returns he is drying his hands on his dirty overall, he seems chirpy
DOUG
"Well that's the last of them"
EVAN
Yawns
"Is it closing time?"
DOUG
Go on, I'll lock the door you make us a nice cup of tea."
EVAN
Wary
How much will that cost me?"
DOUG
Is almost proud of Evan's answer
You're learning son, seeing as you're on a week in hand you can have a free one."
The two characters lock up and sit down in the kitchen
EVAN
Holds his nose
What's that smell?
DOUG
I put some spray in the storeroom, either those sausage's are already off, or the drains have gone again"
EVAN
Holds his nostrils
That's one nasty smell
DOUG
Offended
I love it. It's called 'Fragrance of the Alps' every time I spray it I keep expecting to see Julie Andrews come dancing in."
EVAN
There won't be any Alps left if you keep using them sprays they're wrecking the planet."
DOUG
I wish that was all I had to worry about
EVAN
Doug l, I can do more than fry eggs and wash dishes you know. I'm studying business management and I reckon with the right advice you could really take this café places"
DOUG
Thanks Evan but no offence it would take more than a first year student to sort my mess out."
EVAN
It's not just me Doug I have loads of friends at uni who are studying allsorts, I could even get your tax done."
DOUG
I can't afford it
EVAN
The guys my best friend he won't charge you.
DOUG
I mean I can't afford to pay tax!"
EVAN
"You could at least give it a try; you would be able to tap into free expert advice. We could even swing it with our tutor and set the whole thing up as a project in business reconstruction, the uni is always looking for real business's to offer real life experience".
DOUG
I think you've seen too many episodes of 'Scooby Doo' grown men don't get pesky kids to sort out their problems."
EVAN
You said yourself that ‟Boldo‟ see this as a viable site".
DOUG
They certainly do"
EVAN
You said yourself that your ex doesn't get a penny from the café as a business, she only makes if you sell the building, so why don't you at least give it a go?"
DOUG
"And do what? "
EVAN
"Play them at their own game. My flat mate Simon is in his first year of an accountancy degree and he is a genuine wizard with figures."
DOUG
Waning
"I don't know if I want some snot nosed kid looking at my books".
EVAN
No problem there Doug, Simons forty three, he's a mature student".
DOUG
43! What's does he want to be when he leaves school a fireman?!"
EVAN
Trust me he's a whiz.
DOUG
He's hardly a child prodigy.
EVAN
That's because he dedicated half his life looking after his mother."
DOUG
Visibly softened by this information
That's nice.
EVAN
Now he can dedicate his time to his studies.
DOUG
Did his mum pass on then?
EVAN
No, he came home one day and found a note on the piano."
DOUG
Nods sympathetically
Suicide, nasty business.
EVAN
No, she ran away with a married man from her salsa class. She fled to Spain and sold the bungalow from under Simon's feet. The letter just told him to get a life, so now he's at Uni."
DOUG
Stands up and is now derisory.
"I bet the girls get a fright when you bring them back your digs and see you live with your dad."
EVAN
He's a really nice guy and he is a tax expert he's that good you might even get a rebate, despite not even paying it"
DOUG
Get him in tomorrow"
EVAN
"Ahh Tuesday's the only day he's not free, he goes to the airport all day."
DOUG
Softens
Poor sod must be pining for his mother?"
EVAN
No he's a plane spotter, he collects the plane numbers "
DOUG
This is not sounding like a smart move."
EVAN
Doug I studied ‟Boldo‟ for my A levels, do you know that they make £4.5 Million clear profit a year from every site that they open"
DOUG
Impressed
"What do they charge eight quid for a tin of beans?"
EVAN
"You could turn this place into a really successful Discount Diner. If Boldo with all their market research know how think this site is ripe for discount food in tins, then it's ripe for hot discount food on plates".
DOUG
There be no change of business either so I wouldn't need permission, no red tape"
EVAN
There would be some costs such as building and materials"
DOUG
"No problem there Ripper & his mates are builders and the brother in laws a plumber. Also just by chance I happen to know a particularly stupid security guard who is supposed to be guarding one of the biggest building sites in Western Europe".
EVAN
Unaware of the implications
You could call the place 'Doug's Discount Diner'"
DOUG
I am not comfortable with the word 'Discount' it gives the idea that we will be cheap"
EVAN
That's exactly what it should be cheap and cheerful"
DOUG
If I'm giving things out cheap I'm going to struggle to look cheerful"
EVAN
Stack high sell fast, it would be a blast!"
Doug turns off the light in the main café and surveys it he speaks
DOUG
Throws his half drunk cup of tea on the floor
"Come on then, you get your coat and I'll lock up, I'll want you in for 6 on the dot in the morning"
EVAN
Stunned at Doug's action
"What about that mess"
DOUG
Looks at his watch
"Don't worry about that, Mary the cleaner will arrive in 4 and a half minutes"
EVAN
Impressed
"She's that reliable"
DOUG
I met her by accident in the waiting room at the doctors after my knee went playing draughts.
She told me she was being treated for OCD because she can't stop cleaning up. I accidentally mentioned that I had a dirty kitchen and she was round in a flash with the flash.
I already had an idea that my ex wife had reported me to the environmental health to try and get the café shut so I'd have to sell the building.
But by the time they got here I got three awards for cleanliness and I even had my picture in the local paper."
EVAN
Was Mary in the paper as well?"
DOUG
Very Stern
You don't publicise a person's mental health problem son"
EVAN
"Sorry I didn't think"
DOUG
Switches off the light
"Besides I don't want her finding paid work, it would ruin her therapy"
END OF EPISODE
