Just a way of reminding myself that I am good comedy writer if I ever got a chance to prove it.
This one is from my 'Unsolicited' file. It's based on a dilapidated caravan site that becomes a real beacon of fun and hope in a downturned economy.
So its apt and its funny and its a shame no one was interested in it enough to even read when I tried to send it out 
INT: CAR- DAY.
Billy and Kate a middle-aged working class couple drive up and briefly stop to look at a dilapidated sign that reads.
'Buck Hall
Caravan Park'
The sign has two arrows underneath on saying 'Public' the other 'Private'
As the couple drive in they are being watched by a middle-aged man in a green body warmer covered in badges. He is standing by a sign that reads 'Private' Billy and Kate smile and a wave as they slowly drive past him, but neither is returned.
KATE
He looks like hard work
BILLY
I bet it was him who sent that letter!
The couple drive in and stop outside a dilapidated looking caravan with the word 'Office' on the door. The couple's face's drop at that state of it.
INT: CAR -DAY.
Billy glances in dismay at Kate.
BILLY
Well we now officially have Buck Hall!
EXT; VAN- DAY.
The couple survey the site with a degree of dismay. As they get their suitcases out of the boot Billy takes a shoe box out with great reverence. Kate sees this and shakes her head and smiles.
INT: VAN - DAY
Kate enters and looks at the sink in disgust, she opens a cupboard and takes out a disposable BBQ in a foil tray. She is near to tears.
Billy enters carrying the shoebox he looks around and is also clearly devastated by the state of the caravan. He speaks to Kate who has her back to him.
BILLY
There's no gas
Kate composes herself and turns holding out the disposable BBQ. Her tone is upbeat.
KATE
Then we'll have to have a BBQ under
the stars, then won't we?
EXT: VAN-DUSK
Billy & Kate are sat in plastic garden chairs at a plastic table eating burgers. Kate is positive Billy is negative.
KATE
That shop we passed that had the buckets
and spades outside, that might sell it.
BILLY
Get lost they wanted three quid for an ice
cream with no flake in it.God knows what the
robbing sods would want for Calor gas?
I'll find a builder's merchants
KATE
We'll need a few if we want to make
these vans habitable
Billy becomes deflated
BILLY
Who are we kidding girl? We haven't got the
dough to make half of them bearable never mind habitable. And even if we did have, we could
still get the lot taken off us!
Kate is adamant
KATE
You heard what the judge said its 'Yours'!
BILLY
For how long? Everyone knows Uncle Eddy
Didn't like me and after I reversed over his cat.
Everytime I went round him and the cat would
just sit there stirring at me
KATE
At least you went around! He was twin's
uncle as well you know! And they never went
near him, till they heard he was on his deathbed!
BILLY
They could still appeal
KATE
You heard the judge; there was no will
And his last words were "Make sure our
Billy gets Buck Hall"
BILLY
But as the twins said he never had his
teeth in!
KATE
It doesn't matter what they say this is
yours.... ours So ok it's a dump and we
may well be skint but for once we own
something that we can make a go of! It's
not like we're not use to hard work is it!
Billy bucks up slightly.
BILLY
According to the tags on that lump of keys
there's a tool shed somewhere.
KATE
See its stating to come together already
we'll soon have this place ship shape full
of family's having happy holidays in
no time!
Billy stretches as he speaks and stands
BILLY
Well it's obviously going to be a big day
tomorrow so an early night won't do us any
harm.
Kate cuddles Billy
KATE
Not too early, I hope.
INT: VAN -AM
Billy & Kate are asleep in bed; they are woken by loud banging on the caravan door. They both get up and go to the door in their night wear.
EXT: VAN-AM
Kevin late teens with a backpack is knocking at the door.
INT: VAN -AM
Billy opens the door and Kevin enters.
KEVIN
Finally, this is the fifth one I've
been at trying to find you two!
BILLY
Why didn't you just look for the car?
KATE
It's a hire love, remember
KEVIN
It's a bag of laughs this place. One
old bat threatened to call the police!
BILLY
Oh, you haven't been around the private
residents park, have you? That's all we
need! It was them who sent that letter!
Kevin then looks around the caravan and his dismay is evident.
KEVIN
This is a bit bleak
Kate is standing behind Billy and opens her eyes wide at Kevin.
KATE
Yeah but you can see the potential
KEVIN
Yeah, oh yeah. Loads of potential, by
the time we've finished you won't
recognise this place
There is a knock on the caravan door, the characters look at each other as if to say who 'Who could that be? Billy then opens the door.
SCENE.DOORWAY-AM
Richard (Dick) Weaver mid 50's wearing a body warmer covered in badges is standing at the door holding an envelope, his tone is abrupt.
DICK
My names Richard Weaver I'm chairman of the
resident's association. I take it you're William
Smart?
Billy takes the envelope and speaks in a friendly tone.
BILLY
Call me Billy everyone else does
Dick refuses Billy's hand.
BILLY
What is it?
DICK
It's a hand issued copy of the letter I sent
to your uncles' solicitor. It outlines all site
facilities currently deemed to be in in disrepair!
BILLY
Oh, you mean that 'To do list'?
DICK
It's a more of a 'Must be done list'
The Council have approved all aspects
of it and are ready to enforce it if
needs be!
Kate comes to the door
KATE
Who is it Billy?
Billy ignores the envelope and speaks directly to Kate
BILLY
It's that Dick Waver feller, you know,
The one who sent that letter
DICK
My name is Weaver! Richard Weaver
W - E -A- V- E- R!
BILLY
Alright calm down Dick we're not on
Sesame Street
Dick speaks and then walks off in disgust.
DICK
Considered it served and should you fail
to rectify the repairs on the list within
one calendar month, we have the right to cite
you to the council as a rogue landlord! And
you will be forced to cease trading
Billy shouts after him
BILLY
Thanks, Dick We'll get back to you!
Billy opens the envelope
KATE
Why did you get his back up?
BILLY
His back's been up his entire life.
You don't change people like that's
minds and you don't pander to them
either!
KATE
How bad is it?
Billy holds out three separate sheets of paper as if to show how bad it is. He then starts to read out the demands.
BILLY
It looks like they've added more to it.
Adequate lighting on all paths and public
access routes to be engaged from dusk till
dawn
KATE
Where do they think they are Blackpool?
Kevin discreetly speaks to Kate.
KEVIN
This is all he needs.
Kate smiles and discreetly replies, as Billy continues into what is rapidly becoming a rant.
KATE
This could be exactly what he needs
BILLY
Repair or replace camp showers and washing
facilities to ensure 24-hour access!
KATE
24-hour shower access? Who's getting
a shower at three in the morning
KEVIN
Serial killers?
Kate is purposely galvanising Billy.
KATE
It looks like you were right love it's
Over before it starts. They've outsmarted
us and done us like kippers!
Billy is completely transformed with a newly found determination.
BILLY
Do you think for one minute that I'm gonna
let some idiot in a body warmer scam me out
of my inheritance!
KATE
You heard him even the council are in on it,
you can't win
BILLY
Who can't? Council my arse! It's probably just
One of his mates if he's got any? Or a relative.
they must think I'm brand new.
KEVIN
What, can we do about it then dad?
Billy stands up and gathers himself; he then takes a large bunch of keys off the window ledge and indicates for Kevin to follow him. Kate is delighted to see that Billy has found his fight.
BILLY
We lad, can play them at their own game.
So, let's start with the showers and see
what we're up against!
Billy & Kevin exit the caravan as Kate starts to tidy up
EXT: CAMP-DAY
Billy and Kevin at work with a wheelbarrow full of tools they are being watched silently but openly by Dick.
INT: VAN-EVENING
Billy and Kevin are dirty from working. They are sat at the table area talking to Kate over cups of teas.
KATE
How does it look?
BILLY
The bin sheds fixed and we've
put a dint in the minor repairs
KATE
There you go little acorns
BILLY
The problem's the showers the
materials alone...
KATE
We can get around that once the
bookings start coming in
BILLY
You don't get it love; if we don't
fix the showers, we can't trade!
so, there won't be any bookings!
KEVIN
We could at least start by dragging
those bushes down at the side of the
shower block, so we can see what needs
doing?
BILLY
It's not a bush it's a Sessile Oak
KEVIN
Here we go! It's a good job the shoe
box isn't here!
KATE
It is!
BILLY
That makes the job twice as hard
As we'd have to move around it!
KATE
Why is it protected?
BILLY
To a degree, you can chop them down
but you might need permission. I'd
need to check
KEVIN
Then we're best chopping it down now
before they get wind there's one here
KATE
You'd have to do it the dark
BILLY
I wouldn't chop one of them down! Anyway
that Dick had a gold RSPB badge on his life jacket.
So he'll deffo know it's a Sessile oak
KEVIN
Pfff, gold badge, you probably know
more than him about bird's dad
BILLY
No chance, he's a 'Twitcher'
I was an 'Egger'!
KEVIN
And the difference being?
BILLY
I took eggs from nests when I was
a kid because I didn't know better.
He'd never touch eggs he just watches
them
KATE
That sounds about right he looks like a
Bloody Peeping Tom!
KEVIN
Terry Clarkes dads a bird watcher they're loaded. He's got a Landrover just to go out doing it
BILLY
They're not all rich lad, some are on their
arses as much as we are...
Kate starts collecting the plates and nods at Kevin to give a hand as Billy muses to himself and smiles conspiratorially.
BILLY
But then again there's plenty of them
that do have deep pockets and plenty of connections to go with it!
INT.CARAVAN- MORNING
Kate is awoken by a dull distant noise; Billy isn't there and the clock shows 07.39. She jumps up and puts a dressing gown on and ties it hurriedly as she walks into the kitchen area.
Kevin is sat at the table eating a truly disgusting looking fried breakfast.
KATE
Do you really have to fry everything?
KEVIN
The grill's asthmatic it'd take
six hours just to make toast
KATE
Better than that a load of fat in your...
anyway, how did you manage it? Has your
dad been out and got gas?
KEVIN
No, I found a half full bottle on the
van next door, we own it, so I just
switched them
KATE
Well where's your dad then?
KEVIN
Who Bear Grylls? He went out in his
camouflage gear at half five this
morning
KATE
How do you know? You've only been up
half an hour yourself, I heard you banging
the cupboards
KEVIN
Because he got dressed in my room, so he didn't wake you up
Kate walks over to a cupboard that is slightly ajar. She looks in it and sees the shoebox and its lid is loose. Her face becomes concerned.
KATE
I hope he hasn't gone to do
something stupid!
BILLY ENTERS
Billy is wearing well-worn camouflage clothing and he is carrying a newspaper and milk and is clearly pleased with himself.
KATE
Where have you been?
BILLY
The shops to get you a paper
EXT.VAN-DAY
Dick is approaching the caravan; Kevin sees him from the kitchen window.
INT.VAN-DAY
KEVIN
Here's that idiot again he's probably
found more stuff that needs fixing
Kate is holding a cup in both hands and looks worried; she whispers to Billy.
KATE
Whatever you've done? He must have seen
you do it!
Billy smiles with great confidence.
BILLY
Who him? No chance!
EXT.VAN-DAY
Dick is knocking on the caravan door. Billy opens the door but as he does so he steps out of the caravan and begins putting on his muddy wellies. He holds his hand out to detect rain as he speaks.
BILLY
If that's another 'To do' list
it'll have to wait. I'm not even halfway
through the last lot
DICK
It's about the mess you're leaving behind
you whilst you're doing it. Mrs Willow had
to spend an hour brushing sawdust off her
decking yesterday when you repaired the bin
shed
BILLY
Tell her I'm sorry, now do you mind
I've got to chop and burn those bushes
at the side of the shower block before it
starts raining
DICK
That bush as you call it, is a Sessile oak
and it's protected
BILLY
I don't care if it's in the mafia! Nests
mean droppings and they breed rats!
DICK
A nest? What type of nest?
BILLY
It could be a frigging parrot for all I
know or care. Now do you mind I've got to
chop that lot down so I can see the full
state of the showers!
Dick heads off toward the showers as Billy takes off his wellies and goes back into the caravan
INT.CARAVAN-DAY
Kate and Kevin had overheard the exchange, Kate is worried.
KATE
What have you done Billy?
BILLY
Let's just say that I'm going to make
Dicks day and our month... hopefully!
Billy takes a list out of his pocket and gives it to Kate she reads it as she speaks.
KATE
What's all this for?
BILLY
Just go with me on this one love please.
You can take our Kevin with you, he can
help carry the stuff
Kate surveys the list with a worried face as Billy holds his hands as though in prayer.
KATE
We're on tightrope as it is?
BILLY
Just go with it love please
KATE
But what if...
BILLY
Trust me love I'm all over this! Oh, and while
you're in town can you pick up the specs needed
for the shower block from the council?
KATE
Where's the sense in that?
BILLY
We're going to need it if we're going
to sort the showers out
Kate is not convinced and holds up the list.
KATE
Sort them out? After buying this lot for gods
knows what reason, we'll be lucky to have enough
left to pay for the blueprints, never mind the
work!
Billy smiles to reassure her but Kate only half smiles back. Billy and Kate kiss and hug as Kevin leaves with the car keys indicating his mum should follow
EXT. WHOLESALERS CAR PARK- DAY
Kate and Kevin are struggling as they carry buns, milk Styrofoam cups and a giant bag of tea bags etc across the car park and place it into the car and the boot.
EXT -CIVIC CAR PARK- DAY
Kate is walking toward the car carrying a paper tube and a brown envelope Kevin is sat in the car watching her.
INT: CAR- DAY
Kate is driving slowly into the camp and is greeted by a handmade sign saying PEDESTRIANS FREE - CAR PARKING £10. As she slowly drives on several people with binoculars pass her car on foot making their way into the camp.
INT: VAN-DAY
As Kate and Kevin enter Billy is at the table, there are bunches of keys and wads of money in piles on the desk, he looks up and smiles.
BILLY
Hello love, I'll be with you in a minute
I just need to get these keys over to the
top field I've managed to let every van up
there
Billy brushes past Kate and pecks her cheek as he leaves the caravan. Kate is clearly flummoxed.
KATE
What's going on Billy?
BILLY
I'll be two minutes with the keys
then I'll fill you in!
BILLY EXITS
As Billy leaves Kate and Kevin inspect the table; there are stacks of bank notes being held down by neat piles of coins. They look at each other and smile. Kevin's is a big grin, but Kates is a worried one.
BILLY ENTERS
Billy is carrying two buckets and starts enthusiastically filling them in the sink as he speaks.
BILLY
I found a tea urn in the old showers, it
worked first go. So, I've cleaned it up
and I'm getting two quid a cup!
KATE
Billy what the hell's going on, why are
there hundreds of people walking round
the camp
KEVIN
Two quid a cup!
BILLY
They're twitchers love and there's more
on the way!
KATE
Oh my god!
BILLY
The internet's nearly crashed twice
Since it got out
KATE
What got out?
BILLY
That there's a Dusky Thrush nest with eggs
in it right next to our showers
KEVIN
A Dusky Thrush? I've never heard of it
BILLY
I'm not surprised lad they're from Siberia
KATE
So, what's going to happen!
BILLY
I know as much as you do love I'm
Just trying to make the best of it
Kate is totally unconvinced.
KATE
I'm sure you are
BILLY
Anyway, thank god you're back we've
ran out of tea bags. If you can get
that other stuff on the go as well
that wouldn't half help
Kate reluctantly begins to unpack the catering supplies. As she does so Billy instructs Kevin.
BILLY
Kev, I need you to do a few signs as well
I was thinking three quid for a hotdog
and 5 quid for a burger
KEVIN
Will do dad, how many burgers shall I do
BILLY
The lot lad! Do the lot! This place is
swarming so strike while the irons hot
Kate raises her eyebrows as she looks at Billy and Billy smiles and shrugs his shoulders.
BILLY EXITS
Kevin is well up for it and hurriedly starts to work in the kitchen.
Kate joins him and opens a very large tin of hot dogs and puts them in a large pan.
Kevin has a large box of burgers. He takes the grill pan out of the cooker and places the burgers on it is disappointed to see he can only fit four burgers on it.
Kate spots this and gives Kevin a large frying pan and they both smile and start working hard. As they do so Kevin muses
KEVIN
You do know that me dads behind all
this don't you?
Kate holds up a bag of buns
KATE
Either that or he's the only psychic
hot dog man I've ever heard of!
INT.CARAVAN: NIGHT
Kate and Kevin are sat on the window sofa drinking tea with their feet up. Billy enters holding a torch and is pleased with himself
BILLY
Well that's them bedded down, I've
Never seen so many excited faces.
It was like walking around the first
year dormitory at Hogwarts
Kate goes into the kitchen area and makes Billy a cup of tea
Billy flops onto the sofa as he continues.
BILLY
I told them it was off season, so they didn't
Mind the state of the caravans. Plus, I gave them
all 50% off as well
Kate is clearly unsure
KATE
Even so they're spending an awful lot of money
love
BILLY
They'll be spending more tomorrow, Kev you'll
need to be at the wholesalers the minute they
open. We need more tea bags and milk and we're
going to need sausages and bacon and lots of it!
KEVIN
They had sausages on special offer
10 kilos for ten quid! I told me mam
to get some, but she said no
KATE
They were 95% wheat
BILLY
We'll just say they're vegan
you can get double for vegan!
KATE
They may as well be
BILLY
Well if push comes to shove
you can throw some milk on them
and tell them they're Weetabix!
Kevin stands up and yawns and stretches as he speaks then kisses Kate on the cheek
KEVIN
Well I'm off to bed; if that lot plan to
start again first thing then I'll need a
few hours kip before I reopen the café
KATE
Good night love
BILLY
Thanks for today lad you've been a great help
KEVIN EXITS
Once they're alone Kate airs her fears
KATE
I'm not sure about this Billy, it feels wrong
Billy gets up and goes over to Kate and hugs her reassures her
BILLY
I wish you would have seen their faces
love, they're all as happy as Larry. It's
like a big adventure to them
KATE
But it's not real and sort of not fair
BILLY
You could say the same about Father
Christmas, but he makes everyone happy.
Anyway, the eggs are real I should know!
KATE
They're over 30 years old, they're hardly
Going to hatch in front of them are they!
BILLY
That's not the point love, the best fish any
angler ever caught is the one that got away.
It's all about the comradeship and the adventure
KATE
But it's not real
BILLY
Real? We're in the holiday business love
we're supposed to sell dreams
KATE
What if they find out?
BILLY
How can they? No they'll wait two days, three
at most. When the Dusky Thrush doesn't turn up, they'll declare
the nest dormant and all go home happy. And the eggs will end up in
a bird museum where they belong. It's a win, win!
KATE
But we're charging ten quid to park a car
that's not right
BLIIY
That's a 'Green Levy' love! It's free for
pedestrians, we have to respect the wildlife
KATE
Wildlife! You put it there
Billy starts hugging an unconvinced Kate. But Billy gets round her and they go to bed smiling.
BILLY
That's not the point, anyway, why don't
we turn in ourselves eh? It's gonna be a
mad house in the morning
KATE
I doubt I'll get a wink
BILLY
Just lie back and think about all the tidy
caravans full of happy families having cheap
little holidays
KATE
You mean you'll go with my idea about
leaving four vans free for low income...
BILLY
Love we've got 24, so I reckon 6 is the
right thing to do
Kate hugs Billy.
INT: CAR-MORN.
Kate is driving, back seat has catering supplies all over the back seat. She slowly passes Billy who is in conversation.
EXT: CAR PARK-MORN.
Billy is talking to a man in suit who is with a camera crew. The man is not best pleased, in the end he counts money out into Billy's hand. As he finishes Billy points over into the distance and a young man in headphones nods forlornly.
EXT: CAR-MORN
Kate gets out the car and carries the catering supplies into the caravan
INT: VAN -DAY
Kate is putting the supplies in the kitchen as Billy enters. She is clearly concerned but Billy is buzzing
KATE
Is this all going to be on the telly now?
BILLY
Yeah, they're only local, but they reckon
it could make BBC and Sky News. Not bad eh,
free national advertising!
KATE
Free? I saw THEM giving you money
BILLY
No not a bit of it, it's against the rules
to pay for news. He was quite adamant about
that!
KATE
So how did you get around that?
BILLY
He needed the story. So, he agreed they'd all
park their cars sideways and that took up four spaces which then triggered a group booking levy!
Billy fans out £20 notes.
BILLY
I got 300 off him in the end. There's only
200 here, that was all the cash he had on him.
But I showed his runner where the village was.
And he's ran down to get the rest from the
cashpoint
Kate shakes her head and is still clearly concerned and stressed.
KATE
I wouldn't mind on top of everything else
its murder trying to get back onto the site!
Billy is pulling the cushion off the window seat as he replies almost disinterestedly.
BILLY
Whys that?
KATE
There's some lazy sod in a JCB who's been
sat at the bottom junction all morning!
And beeping him is a waste of time I nearly
flattened the battery!
Billy is only half listening to Kate as he puts the £200 into a cardboard box that's full of notes and coins. He then replaces it into a space under the window sofa and carefully replaces the cushion. As he does this it dawns on him about what Kate just said. His tone is excited, and his actions hurried.
BILLY
A JCB and a lazy worker you're kidding? Quick
Where's those plans?
Kate responds to the haste and grabs the plans as she does so Billy quickly goes back to the box and takes the £200 back out and replaces the cushion. Then he grabs the plans and rushes out, leaving Kate looking flummoxed.
BILLY EXITS.
EXT: ROAD-AM
Billy is knocking on the door of a JCB. The driver is reading his paper. In car horns are blaring. Billy reaches up and opens the door. The driver has an outrageous Brummy accent.
DRIVER
I've told you's lot I can't move till
the drain sumps ready to shift
Billy almost has to shout because of the noise of the car horns. Billy's tone is very friendly, and he has a cheeky grin and the £200 fanned out.
BILLY
How would you like to make 200 quid
for 20 minutes of pretending to work?
The drivers face lights up and he folds his newspaper.
EXT: CAMP -DAY
The TV news crew are interviewing a man and a woman. Dick is watching them.
Billy drives up followed by the JCB. The news crew stop their interview with the man and woman because of the commotion.
REPORTER
Wrap it up, we have all we need anyway!
As they news people stop they all watch as Billy gets out of the car and spreads the blueprints across the bonnet. He is joined by the JCB driver. The two of them start pointing and gesturing as though work is about to start imminently.
The two people who were being interviewed walk over toward the commotion followed by Dick.
Billy and driver straighten up as they arrive. Billy can see by their lanyards what he's dealing with and gives the impression that he is a very busy man.
BILLY
If this is more stuff it'll have to
wait. This machinery and driver charge
by the hour and I need to get that shower
block knocked down!
Dick hears this and is clearly outraged
DICK
You can't, you'll scare the thrush
and it won't return to the nest!
BILLY
Not my problem mate. Thanks to you I've
got 26 days to sort this lot out or I'll
lose my own frigging nest!
The woman can sense a confrontation and diffuses by indicating to the man to talk to Dick while she deals with Billy.
The man takes Dick to one side and they enter into a hushed conversation it is clear that they know each other.
Jane Davis is middle aged, middle class and is running the council. Billy can see that on her lanyard. He changes his tone to beyond affable.
JANE
Mr....
BILLY
Just call me Billy everybody
else does
JANE
Erm Billy I can appreciate your predicament
Billy puts Jane straight onto her backfoot.
BILLY
Thank god someone's on my side
JANE
Erm I am ... clearly... but is it possible
You could put it back for just a few days?
I mean I can grant you a small extension in
lieu
Billy looks at Jane and Dick and the council man and then shrugs his shoulders.
BILLY
I know it means that I'm putting my
business in danger to save a bird,
but I'd never forgive myself if I didn't
Jane is impressed as is even Dick and the council man, they nod in agreement.
Billy then turns his back to the others and grins as he shouts over to the JCB driver who clearly answers on cue.
BILLY
Hey mate would it be ok if we did this on
Friday instead, you see there's a bird in a
nest...
DRIVER
You've got no chance duck I'm off to me
Villa in Alicante on Friday and you's
won't see me till the kids go back to
school! Waste of time that is anyway, my
eldest's more interested in pouting than
reading. Takes after her mother!
Billy turns with a serious face shrugs his shoulders and opens his arms as if to say 'What can I do'. Jane is first to speak.
JANE
Thanks anyway Billy
Dick chips in and Jane instantly takes a dislike to him.
DICK
You can't just let him...
JANE
I can only ask Mr...
BILLY
Dick! Everybody, calls him Dick
Jane suppresses a smile and Dick is clearly livid.
JANE
As I said sir, I can only ask I'm
in no position to order!
Jane then has a eureka moment and smiles as she speaks. Billy looks worried, but quickly lightens up.
JANE
However, I may have the perfect compromise,
BILLY
And what would that be Ms erm...
JANE
Call me Jane, nobody else does
As the pair smile Dick and the council man are not happy at all at the growing rapport between Billy and Jane.
BILLY
Look Jane I'd much rather have the bird
here and all these people, there's a real
sense of community here at the moment.
so if we can do anything to save it?
JANE
I can feel it, plus there's the added
health kick. It does people good to come
out to things like this
BILLY
That's the beauty of the great outdoors,
its free and its healthy!
As they speak Kevin approaches his dad in a total 'That's all I needed encounter.
KEVIN
Dad sorry to interrupt but we've
sold out of sausages all 10 kilos.
One feller swallowed about 12 of them
In front of me while he was waiting for
his burgers
Billy speaks with firm eyebrows
BILLY
Fine I'll speak to you in a bit son
Kevin gets onto it and walks off with a nod. As he does Billy quickly continues to talk Jane and she smiles at his clearly bogus excuse.
BILLY
They're specialist vegan ones,
people go mad for them
Thankfully for Billy the JCB driver crudely interrupts them.
DRIVER
I hate sounding like a porno director
but are we doing this or what?
Jane slightly reels at the vulgarity and then reassuringly indicates to Billy to let the driver go. Billy acts unsure as he nods to the driver who then leaves with a shrug and a wave.
DRIVER
I hope it works out for your mate
You're one of the good guys you are
DRIVER EXITS
JANE
What I was about to say was that we have mobile toilets and shower units that we use for the marathon.
Buts we won't be hosting this year you could
use those
BILLY
That would be brilliant!
Jane then looks over the council man
JANE
That is right isn't Gordon, we do have the units
Gordon middle aged middle management dull
GORDON
Yes we could lend it to Mr erm Smart for fortnight or so I suppose till the bird issue has been resolved
BILLY
Then I'm back to square one in
JANE
No surely its better off being used and
maintained here than just sat in one of
our yards. I can't see 12 months being
a problem
Dick is clearly outraged and nudges Gordon who takes Jane to one side and attempts to speak discreetly but Billy can hear.
GORDON
We do have the other... erm issue? This
would only prolong it
Jane is adamant
JANE
Think on your feet Gordon, the news crew
said the clip would make BBC 24 and Sky News
even CNN and Al Jazeera might pick it up. As,
it stands the borough looks good, so we don't
need them back in a fortnight doing a hatchet
job, do we?
Gordon nods and Dick heads off angry
JANE
I'm sorry about that, its all resources or lack of them at the moment
We had to cancel everything including the marathon
BILLY
Sorry to hear that
JANE
We can hardly justify sporting events while we have a
chronic homeless issue.
BILLY
It's everywhere at the moment
JANE
Don't I know, after this I'm seeing a group
Of young families that are costing a fortune
to keep in a B&B.
They're just left to share bathrooms and toilets and sit on their beds
All day. And I have nothing good to tell them
BILLY
That's terrible, how many families are
there?
Jane is forlorn
JANE
Six
Billy's face lights up
BILLY
You're kidding!
INT: VAN: NIGHT
Billy is slowly twirling an excited Kate around as they talk.
KATE
We'll have to get new sheets and blankets
we can't have those poor kids sleeping in
dirty beds. Oh and I'll have to get our
Kevin to help me to scrub every caravan from
top to bottom. Oh and they can play out in the
fresh air and everything
BILLY
I wouldn't mind the best I was hoping for
was an extension to get the work done so we could get some booking to pay for it
KATE
You mean now we can accept booking
BILLY
Yeah she was so made up to be housing the kids she pushed it through as soon as she got back and text me
KATE
But what about Nosey Arse he might work out what you did
BILLY:
He won't and even if he did that's the beauty of it. If he admits I conned him he'll look like an idiot
And the RSPB would have him for calling a bogus twitch
No I got him where I want him
KATE:
And where's that?
BILLY:
He'll be pacing up and down his caravan pulling his own hair out, like he had me doing.
KATE:
He'll be back he knows we played dirty so he'll do the same
BILLY
He was always coming back anyway love, we just have to make sure that we're
one step ahead of him.
Kate looks reassured she smiles then holds out a note pad as she speaks
KATE:
I've been thinking we should really cash in what do you think about calling this place
'The Dusky Thrush Sanctuary'
Billy goes to the caravan doors and looks out into the night as he speaks
BILLY:
That sounds like a NHS Clinic love, anyway I get the feeling things are about to change for the better at Buck Hall
So I think we should keep the name until it does
END
