F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for winking. I will PM myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't really. It was a joke. Meanwhilst...
Me - 3
Otterfox - 1
Next topic: The Record Buiness (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 12.11.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 3 Me
2 1 Otterfox
LAWD OF THE KINGS
PSYCHIATRIST'S STUDIO.
PSYCHIATRIST and PATIENT.
PSYCHIATRIST Now...
PATIENT Or never.
PSYCHIATRIST You're...
PATIENT Lonesome tonight.
PSYCHIATRIST And unhappy...
PATIENT Blue.
PSYCHIATRIST And convinced...
PATIENT Swayed.
PSYCHIATRIST People tell you to leave...
PATIENT Shoo!
PSYCHIATRIST Because you think you're the king...
PATIENT Of the whole wide world.
PSYCHIATRIST People won't...
PATIENT Let me be.
PSYCHIATRIST Since you had your...
PATIENT Teddy.
PSYCHIATRIST And were...
PATIENT Bare.
PSYCHIATRIST As a...
PATIENT Baby!
PSYCHIATRIST Yes...
PATIENT Oh yeah!
PSYCHIATRIST So Elvis, the...
PATIENT Swingin' little guitar man.
PSYCHIATRIST Is...
PATIENT Always on my mind.
PSYCHIATRIST Which is full of...
PATIENT Suspicion.
PSYCHIATRIST Your...
PATIENT Suspicious mind.
PSYCHIATRIST You want this to...
PATIENT Stop.
PYCHIATRIST So you can...
PATIENT Look and listen, baby.
PSYCHIATRIST Look?
PATIENT It's called rubber neckin', baby.
PSYCHITRIST You're...
PATIENT All shook up.
PSYCHIATRIST Because people...
PATIENT Hound.
PSYCHIATRIST You like a...
PATIENT Dog, baby.
PSYCHIATRIST So you're...
PATIENT Cryin' all the time.
PSYCHIATRIST It's...
PATIENT Too much.
PSYCHIATRIST And not...
PATIENT All right, mama.
PSYCHIATRIST So I...
PATIENT Want.
PSYCHIATRIST You, I...
PATIENT Need.
PSYCHIATRIST You, I'd...
PATIENT Love.
PSYCHIATRIST You to avoid a...
PATIENT Heartbreak.
PSYCHIATRIST In a...
PATIENT Hotel.
PSYCHIATRIST Or a...
PATIENT Jailhouse.
PSYCHIATRIST Or...
PATIENT In the ghetto.
PSYCHIATRIST That's what I want...
PATIENT What I really, really want... Oh f**k.
MORGAN:Alright, Huey, here's the sitch. We love your voice, we love your songs, we think you could really capture the spirit of the early 1980s.
HUEY:Great, thanks.
GORMAN:But you gotta change the band's name, kid.
HUEY: Oh, it's just a name. Is it that big a deal?
MORGAN:You wanna trust our experience. We've helped a million musicians on the road to fame, and it's all because of our band name advice.
GORMAN:For example, did you ever come across John Mayall?
HUEY: Of course.
GORMAN:I hadn't finished: did you ever come across John Mayall and the Blues Benders?
HUEY:Well, not exactly.
MORGAN: Or how about Diana Ross & The Quite Goods?
HUEY:Yeah, but those guys would have been famous even without the name change, surely.
GORMAN: Oh, you reckon? Buddy Holly & The Lacrosses bust their asses for 4 years till we gave them a tweak, then number one single within a month.
MORGAN:And never mind hits, until we showed up, they couldn't even get a single gig for Neil Young & Irascible Zebra.
GORMAN:You want more examples? Howsabout Franki Valli & The Margarita!
MORGAN: Smokey Robinson & The Coincidences!
GORMAN: Bob Marley & The Whingers!
MORGAN: Desmond Dekker & The Cards Summarising The Rules Of Poker!
GORMAN: Prince & The 180 Degree Turn.
HUEY: OK, OK! I'll change the name.
MORGAN:Good boy. All we gotta do, is go one better than you currently got and I guarantee fame and fortune.
V/O:And that, dear listeners, is why Huey Lewis stopped playing with Weather Report.
AT THE RECORD COMPANY
TWO BANDMEMBERS, CHRIS AND DAVE, SITTING OPPOSITE A RECORD EXECUTIVE
ALL LISTENING TO SOME CRAP MUSIC
CRAP MUSIC FADES OUT
CHRIS: So, what'd you think, then?
EXEC: You can't sing. You can't play. You look awful.
DAVE: Ah! I bet you're gonna say "you'll go a long way", and then consume a popular chocolate wafer treat! Right?
EXEC: No. Not in this case. Thanks for playing us your shit demo, but I'm afraid we're not interested in signing your band to Frog Enjoyment Records.
CHRIS: It's because of Ian, our drummer, isn't it?
EXEC: Well, his performance was a bit, er, limited. Where is Ian the drummer, anyway? Couldn't he make it here today?
CHRIS: Obviously not! I mean, he's just a brain with eyes, isn't he! In a jar!
EXEC: What?! Your drummer is just a brain in a jar?!
DAVE: With eyes. Don't forget his eyes!
CHRIS: Ha! Ha! Imagine if Ian didn't have any eyes. I mean, the poor sod wouldn't be able to see the drums!
EXEC: This is fascinating. How does he hold the drumsticks?
CHRIS: Er... what do you mean?
EXEC: Well, your drummer is just a brain with eyes!
DAVE: You what?
CHRIS: What the Hell are you talking about? A brain with eyes?!
DAVE (speaking on mobile phone) Hey, Ian! You'll never guess what... the bloke at Frog Enjoyment Records thinks that you're a f**kin' BRAIN with EYES!
IAN'S VOICE ON PHONE: What? Just a brain with eyes?! Seriously?
DAVE: (laughs) Seriously!
EXEC: Well, look, you said that...
CHRIS: That would've been a gimmick and a half, wouldn't it! Us two on stage, and behind us on drums, a f**kin' BRAIN with EYES.
DAVE: (in hysterics) In a jar! in a jar!
EXEC: Right, I've had enough, I want you to leave. (PRESSES BUTTON) Security? Come and show Chris and Dave out of the building, please.
DOOR OPENS, AND TWO SECURITY GUARDS ENTER.
THE SECURITY GUARDS ARE BRAINS WITH EYES! THEY ARE IN JARS ON WHEELS!
CHRIS AND DAVE SCREAM IN TERROR AND THE EXEC LAUGHS
RECORD PRODUCER:
I've asked you three to trawl the dives and clubs and discover a new lyrical genius. Now that music streaming services are displaying the lyrics, our songs can be seen for the generic drivel that they are. Thats why I'm determined to act immediately, if not quicker. Now what did you find? Emily?
EMILY:
Let me present to you Alan Peterson, an absolute poet.
PRODUCER:
Great, give us an example of his work.
EMILY:
Oh yes, he's all vivid imagery that comes from a deep and profound place.
PRODUCER:
Perfect, lets hear one of these songs Alan.
EMILY: (UNCOMFORTABLE)
Well, ahem, t-theres...
PRODUCER:
Whats the problem?
EMILY:
He's an excellent writer, the best I've seen but he can't rhyme.
PRODUCER:
What do you mean he can't rhyme? My dog can rhyme.
EMILY:
Excellent prose but he spent so long developing that side that he forgot all about the rhyming.
PRODUCER:
Well that's useless then! Once more Emily you've blown it. Peter, who have you got?
EMILY:
Wait! I've been working with him and he's already developing the ability to rhyme.
PRODUCER:
Right, let's hear it.
EMILY:
What?
PRODUCER:
Let's hear him rhyme.
EMILY: (UNSURE)
O-ok. Now we've started off with the basics so we're going to try a nursery rhyme and just come up with alternative rhymes.
PRODUCER:
Alright, alright off you go.
ALAN: (CONFIDENTLY) (SINGING)One, two buckle my neck; Three, four knock on the fridge; Five, six pick us wasps.
PRODUCER:
Enough! Enough! Good Christ that's enough! Peter, you've got to have something better than that?
PETER: (CONFIDENTLY)
Steve Andrews. Huge in the underground scene. There's a big buzz about this lad.
PRODUCER: (ENTHUSED)
Alright! Steve Andrews, tell us about yourself.
STEVE: (VERY DULL)
Well....I've just had a great, no a very great, no, I would go as far as to say fantastic. Is fantastic too strong a word?......No I'd say not. I've had very great.....
PRODUCER:
Too boring! No one could be putting up with that. Paul? Please say you've come up trumps.
PAUL:
To say I've hit the jackpot would be putting it mildly. Singer/songwriter Lisa Clarke. Twenty one and beautiful, a marketing dream.
PRODUCER:
Now this is exactly what this company needs. Take it away Ms. Clarke.
LISA: (SINGS)
Overhead the albatross hangs motionless upon the air and deep beneath the rolling waves-
PRODUCER:
Thats Pink Floyd.
LISA: (OFFENDED)
Excuse me! I wrote this last year.
PRODUCER:
It's quite clearly Echoes by Pink Floyd.
LISA: (VERY ANGRY)
Oh my God! I wrote this last summer! How dare you!!
FX:EQUIPMENT BEING THROWN. DOOR SLAMS.
PRODUCER: (DEJECTED)Do either of you two have any chance of redeeming yourselves?
STEVE: (DULL)
The last time I used 'redeem' was February 6th. I was after buying a new shoelace-
ALAN: (SINGS)
Humpty dumpty sat on a flea. Humpty dumpty had a great night. All the kings horses and all the kings teeth-
PRODUCER: (FORLORN SIGH)
You're hired, you're hired...
ALAN:
Couldn't decide what humpty's best attribute was.
END.
Oh, I tried to post this already, but it doesn't seem to have worked. Apols if you read this twice!
Otterfox for me, because those nursery rhymes really made me giggle.
All good ones, but gappy for me. Simple yet clever idea with the bandnames. Particularly liked Desmond Dekker & The Cards Summarising The Rules Of Poker...
You should never repeat yourself. - Hear hear!
Yes, Gappy.
And Tis Gappy for me. The band names were fantastic ??