F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and me for winking. Gappy can PM me with a subject for next wank. I will PM myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't really. It was a joke. Meanwhilst...
Gappy, me - 2
Tiggy - 1
Next topic: Fire
(My house burnt down. - Arson fire? - Yes, and the rest of me.)
Leg closed: 21.10.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 8 Otterfox
2 7 A Plate, Gappy
3 5 Me
4 1 Alfred, Tiggy
Bash it out quickly, that's my rule (Michael has a similar one, I understand).
ARTHUR:I am the god of hellfire, and I bring you...fire!
GAV:[BEAT] Is that all?
ARHUR:What, fire not scary enough for you?
GAV:I just thought you'd bring, you know, hellfire. Because you're the god of hellfire.
ARTHUR:Burt fire's pretty mushc...whoah, licking at you, burny time, like an angry orange bollock. Fire's cool.
GAV:It's good so far as it goes, it's just, we already have fire. And when you said you were the god of hellfire, I was expecting some fire from hell. Not from Zippo.
ARTHUR:Is it a problem?
GAV:It's just a let down, really. Fire after hellfire. It's like if Mars, the god war, brought us strongly worded letters to the council.
ARTHUR:That's not the same.
GAV: Or "I am Aphrodite, goddess of beauty, and I bring you a hat that rather suits you"
ARTHUR:I mean, that's not fair.
GAV:I am Thor, god of thunder, and I bring you "Ooh, do you think we should take a brolly?"
ARTHUR: Oh, now come on, that's-
GAV:I'm Apollo, god of music, and I bring you [SINGS THE RIFF TO 2 UNLIMITED'S GET READY FOR THIS]
ARTHUR:Cheap shot.
GAV:Hey, Hermes, god of travel, got any of those £1 trips to France from the Mail on Sunday?
ARTHUR:Can you just-
GAV:Bacchus; wine god; tin of Shandy Bass.
ARTHUR:But-
GAV: O, great Jupiter, god of the sky, how much to Artex the ceiling in my spare room, old son?
ARTHUR Shut up! You're supposed to be my hellish henchman, dong my bidding, not labouring a dubious point excessively; certainly when 3 times would have been more than enough. Get out of my sight!
GAV:You don't mean...
ARTHUR:Yes. You're fired!
GAV: Oh, hell.
MR FIERY
by Rogered Hard
This is the story of Mr Fiery.
Mr Fiery lived in Fierytown.
Fierytown birds were exceedingly fiery! Fierytown cats were excessively fiery! Fierytown gnus were well f**king fiery!
Mr Fiery was supremely fiery. For instance. If he was walking along the beach, he'd do something fiery all right!
Mr Fiery was superlatively fiery. For instance. If he was watching the news, he'd do something fiery all right!
Mr Fiery was well f**king fiery. For instance. If he was eating a woodlouse, he'd do something fiery all right!
One day Mr Fiery met Sidney the worm. 'Hello,' said Mr Fiery. 'Hello,' said Sidney. Then Sidney f**ked off. Sidney was a worm of few words.
One day Mr Fiery decided to stop being fiery. 'I want to be not fiery,' he said.
And gradually... Slowly... Little by little... He did no fiery things!
So if you don't want to be fiery, what should you do?
(turn page) No fiery things!
PHONING THE FIREMAN
FIREMAN: Hello, this is the Fire and Rescue Service. Thank you for waiting. I am a Fireman. How may I help you?
CALLER: Quick, the Museum Of Philosophers Whose Surnames Begin With 'N' is on fire!
FIREMAN: There's a museum for philosophers whose surnames begin with 'N'? That's niche, isn't it?
CALLER: Actually, I think it's pronounced 'Nietzsche'. Look, just send someone round! Preferably a fireman with a magnificent hose.
FIREMAN: Ooh, I dunno about that. There's a hosepipe ban.
CALLER: Well, is there anything I can do myself?
FIREMAN: Put a log on it.
CALLER: What?! I should put a log on the fire?! How's that going to help?
FIREMAN: Well, I didn't say it would help, did I? It'd probably make it worse, if anything.
CALLER: Then why...
FIREMAN: Christ, it's just as well YOU'RE not a fireman! Just imagine if there were lots of fires breaking out, right, and people were scared, right, and they see a fire engine coming, and they're relieved... And then they just get some twot running about putting f**king LOGS on the flames.
CALLER: What?! You just told me to do that log thing...
FIREMAN: Look, I'm a serious Fireman, you know. I've got a helmet and everything.
CALLER: I don't believe this.
FIREMAN: Well, I've got proof! Hang on a minute, I'll send you a photo of me and my helmet.
CALLER: It's too late now. The building has burnt to the ground.
FIREMAN: See? I knew it. You and your logs. Next time leave it to the professionals.
ROLY PRESENTS A TV SHOW CALLED 'A LIFE IN MINUTES', INTERVIEWING HEF-JEFFREY MONTAGUE.
ROLY:
Welcome back to the start of A Life in Minutes. My guest this week has had an amazing life that would literally take minutes to talk about. Welcome Hef Jeffrey Montague, let's begin with your interesting pastime.
HEF:
Oh yes I've spent a lot of time in the past. In fact everything I've done prior to this has been in the past. It's really only very recently that I've caught up to the present.
ROLY:
No, I refer to the pastime you got arrested for.
HEF:
Oh yes indeed, I love to break into people's houses, tie them up, strip them of any headwear and set fire to their fireplace.
ROLY:
I believe some people have called it sick.
HEF:
We all have our colloquialisms. Some people call it sick; others call it firelighters, logs and turf.
ROLY:
The strange aspect is that you have said that you were happy to be arrested.
HEF:
That is correct yes. I was happy to be arrested as by the time I'd finished my rounds some of the earlier....
ROLY:
Victims?
HEF:
Participants, had escaped their shackles and didn't seem best pleased. In fact they had organised an old-fashioned lynch-mob complete with pitchforks and wooden torches ablaze.
ROLY:
This saddened you.
HEF:
I must admit that it did. I mean I had worked long into the night. It wasn't easy tying them up and some of the fuel they had for burning left a lot to be desired. The saddest thing though and it damn near broke my heart was that their torches were lit with the very flames that I lit their fire with.
ROLY:
They were using your own fire against you.
HEF:
Can we move on please?
ROLY:
Certainly. Next came the trial, which was an event in itself.
HEF:
I would say the best way of describing the trial was an event in itself. The prosecution made their presence felt that's for sure. Accusing me of leaving people's heads completely naked, shackling them and even pyromania. I was gobsmacked. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.
ROLY:
But you did do all those things.
HEF:
Yes but in a very gentlemanly way and sometimes not even in that order.
ROLY:
So what line did your barrister take?
HEF:
To say he was a disappointment would be an understatement. He was picked out of hundreds by an expert court observer called Barry Sheckles. It was only after a week of the trial that I realised that Barry had been one of my.... 'participants'.
ROLY:
So how did your barrister attempt to counter all those awful, truthful accusations?
HEF:
I looked over at him for guidance on four occasions and each time he was curled up in the corner eating sawdust out of a matchbox.
ROLY:
We still haven't got to your time in jail, your dramatic escape, your sword fight with a grizzly, setting fire to St. Petersburg and even whistling your way to freedom in the Andes but I'm afraid, as always, we've run out of interest. I've been Roly Danube and this has been Hef-Jeffrey Montague's A Life In Minutes; goodnight.
HEF:
Yes, goodnight.
ROLY:
It's my show I get to say the last one.
HEF:
And then I say goodbye off to be back of that.
ROLY:
No you don't. Good night.
HEF:
I've been saying goodnight since 1942. I think I know what position it should be in.
ROLY:
You don't. No one can even see what you're saying with your mighty whiskers, It's my show; I get to say the final one. Agreed? Now good night!
HEF:
Oh I agree. Nothing to fear here..........Goodnight.
Michael gets my vote. The pattern of it does seem to follow the original Mr Men books, and I like the repetitively vague "he'd do something fiery all right"!
Grazie.
Otterf**ks for me this wank.
Nearly gave it to a plate fir the Nietzsche gag, but I'll plump for Michael too, good parody of the style, but with enough extra silliness (and swearing) to keep it interesting.
Tis Mikey Monkhouse for me. Inspired silly childrens story that doesn't really go anywhere - but in a good way.