F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
APlate - 1
Next natterjerk: Horror (chosen by APlate)
Leg closed: 20.10.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 8 Otterfox
2 7 A Plate
3 5 Gappy
4 3 Me
5 1 Alfred
SPLATTERJACK
OFFICE.
Bored-looking PRODUCER...
Manic, arm-flapping AUTHOR bursts in.
AUTHOR Mr Horror Producer Sir you just gotta hear this incredible idea I got. It's massive, it's humungous, it's... f**king awesome, dude.
PRODUCER Yerse Mr Staines, and what would be the story of this 'ginormous motherf**ker'? If I remember well, your last one featured three drops of blood, one broken toenail and a box of custard creams. Hardly Hostel is it?
AUTHOR Ah that was last week. Now scene the picture: It's all dark and scary and crappy like, and there's this guy walking along an alley. There's all this haunting music - der der dahhhhh - and then he gets to the end of the alley, and guess what he sees?
PRODUCER (yawns) No.
AUTHOR A mouse.
PRODUCER A mouse.
AUTHOR Yeah!
PRODUCER Is a mouse scary?
AUTHOR If you're an elephant.
PRODUCER Mr Staines, you may be unaware of this seemingly small yet stupendously salient fact. Today's cinematic audience is not composed of Nellie and Dumbo. When was the last time you sallied down the local flea-pit, tried to plonk your butt on a seat and said, 'Bugger. No room. There's a bleedin' elephant in the way'?
AUTHOUR Could be a niche audience.
PRODUCER Yes, so small it makes Kylie Minogue look like Tiger Woods' to-do list.
AUTHOR All right. Get this one. There are two kids going to a haunted house...
PRODUCER So original.
AUTHOR Thank you, Sir... So they get to this house - like the Master Bates Hotel - and this voice goes, 'Dooooonnnn't ooooopppppen thaaaaat dooooooor.' So they say, 'Fine,' and go home.
PRODUCER When has anyone in a horror movie...?
AUTHOR They could be British.
PRODUCER Yes, the Brits are famed for the horror tradition, aren't they? The Shining, Saw, The Conjuring...
AUTHOR They're American, Sir.
PRODUCER The Yanks gave us Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, Boris Karloff. We gave them Helena Bonham Carter. Yikes.
AUTHOR All right. There's this girl on the telephone going, 'Hey dude, are you okay?' - cos it sounds like someone's getting slashed to death on the other end - like, 'Hey dude, is this some kind of joke?' And he says, 'Yeah. I had you going then.'
PRODUCER Mr Staines, I give up. Please get the f**k out of my office and never talk to me again.
AUTHOR Is that a no?
PRODUCER F**k - off.
(He leaves.)
PRODUCER (picks up paper, screams) 'One Direction reunion...'
(I changed my mind, and did something else. If you saw the first sketch and preferred that, then sorry)
JACK: So, we're nearly sorted with the sound design now, guys. It's just scene 127 left I think. That's where Salazar and Trixie enter the haunted Renault Clio.
CLEM: Didn't we decide on mansion in the end?
JACK:Course, sorry, wrong script. Haunted mansion. So, we've got a low menacing hum, we've got creaks and rustles galore, but what I thought would be good, would be like, some children singing a song, but with reverb and stuff, and in a minor key. Would that be scary?
POD: Sure would!
CLEM:And a totally novel cinematic idea too!
JACK:Great, so, ideas for the song? What do you reckon? Here's the background.
SFX:LONG DOOR CREAK, SOME LOW GROANS
CLEM:[WOOZY AND EERIE, SINGING TO THE RELEVANT TUNE, SLOWLY] Transformers, robots in disguise.
JACK: OK, sorry, stop there, Clement. Err, apologies, I perhaps wasn't clear. That was just the theme tune to Transformers, the TV show. I wanted a song for children.
CLEM:Well, when did you last watch Transformers?
JACK: Sure, but, still, I'm thinking more a children's playground song, you know?
POD: I know what you mean, Jack, how about this.
SFX:AS ABOVE
POD:[EQUALLY EERIE] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin is a twat.
JACK:Yeeeee-eeeah....Sort of -
CLEM:[EERIE] My friend Billy has a 10 foot willy, and he showed it to-
JACK:Less smut, Clem, less smut. And more hypnotic, like a chant.
POD:I've got you, Jack. Here we go. [EERIE] Um Bongo, Um Bongo, they drink it in the Congo.
JACK:No.
CLEM:[EERIE] Go compare!...
JACK:That's an advert for insurance! Come on, these are kids singing in a playground
POD:[EERIE] Just one Cornettoooooo...
JACK: OK, not an advert.
CLEM:[EERIE] Do the Shake & Vac, and put the freshness back.
JACK: Stop doing old adverts!
POD:[EERIER] We buy any car dot com.
JACK: Or new adverts!
CLEM:[EERIE VERSION OF THE THEME TO HAWAII 5-0, WITH "BA BA"S]
JACK:Was that Hawaii 5-0?
POD:[EERIE VERSION OF THE THEME TO GRANGE HILL,WITH "BOM BOM"S]
JACK:I don't even know what that was!
POD:Grange Hill
JACK:And that's your idea of a scary soundtrack is it? Some tone deaf dick singing the tune to Grange Hill
POD:Maybe if a skeleton hand holding a sausage came in.
JACK: You people have no idea what should be scary. One try, one last try, before I sack your arses.
CLEM:[EERIE INTONATION] There was an old man from Nantucket
JACK:[SCREAMING] I hate you! I hate you, and I'm going to kill you!
POD:Yeah, that would work.
CLEM:We got it on tape, play that back, bit of reverse reverb, Bob's the ghost of your uncle.
JACK: Oh. Right. Yes, that might just do the trick. Thanks.
CLEM:Cool. Well, here's our invoice, that's $40,000.
JACK:[SCREAMS IN SHOCK]
POD:Nah, your first one was better.
Ext. Day.
Presenter Dan Gander stands in front of an impressive country mansion.
Dan:
Welcome, my name is Dan Gander and this is Sodborough House, named after renowned astronomer Sodborough House. Unfortunately Sodborough can't be with us today as he died 127 years ago.
When we asked relatives of those who knew him how he had died, we were told. They said that his death was suspicious to say the least and believed that he had in fact been killed to death. He left no wife or family behind. All that's left of his name today is this house and indeed, his name.
I'm joined now by a man. This man is the foremost biographer of Sodborough the man ...or the house, I'm not sure. Tell me some stuff.
Frank:
Well my name is Frank Whelk and I-
Dan:
Not about you, about Sodborough.
Frank:
Although he was an excellent astronomer, the thing most people are interested in is his death. The chief suspect was his gardener, Harry Fumes. He had been Sodboroughs gardener for over thirty years and with no heir, Harry stood to claim his entire fortune.
Dan:
I suppose if you've no hair the money is certainly something positive to fall back on.
FRANK:
Harry was arrested but all he repeatedly said was that Sodborough was one of the worst people he'd ever met at staying alive. The police weren't able to mount a case against him so he was released but the rumours persisted.
Dan:
So the rumours went on a bit of a solo run themselves. And what did they find?
FRANK LOOKS CONFUSED.
FRANK:
The rumours?.....n-nothing......The strange thing was the strange things that happened after Sodboroughs death. Harry moved into the big house and became lord of the manor so to speak but his luxury was short lived. He got into accidents like falling down the stairs, almost choking on a bone and his bath going on fire.
Dan:
And why do you think he got interested in that sort of thing? Do you think on some level that there might have been guilt so he'd stick a bone back his throat etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera?
FRANK:
There were some who believe that there were much more sinister reasons. Like the ghost of Sodborough House coming back to exact revenge on the gardener who may have killed him perhaps?
Dan:
There was a g-ghost in the house. Maybe he killed Sodborough like he was trying to do to poor Harry Fumes..
Frank:
The accidents weren't confined to the house either. One evening while he was strolling the grounds he was-
Dan:
I heard about this. He was hit on the head by a dust mite.
Frank:
He got hit on the head by a meteorite. An extremely rare occurrence. On another occasion a beehive fell on him, melted by the sun.
Dan:
Wow! His head wasn't having much luck...or the rest of him.
Frank:
He also got concussed by hailstones, struck by lightning nine times and would regularly get sunburnt indoors.
Dan:
Hold on, something doesn't add up here. Wait it does, it does add up. It's like, it's like weather hates him.
Frank:
Or you could say, the sky, the heavenly bodies, everything that Sodborough devoted his life to was now conspiring against Fumes.
Dan:
It just gets stranger and stranger. What became of Fumes?
FRANK:
Soon after that he was cutting down a tree near a new electric pole. Lightning struck the pole, the pole was live and he lit up like a flare when it touched his hair.
Dan:
Even though he didn't even have any. Stranger still.
So there you have it folks, the mysterious tale of Sodborough House.
So who exactly was Seamus 'Sham' Fogarty- the man who didn't exist. We'll be talking about him next week as I am doing right now. Goodnight.
'THEY WON'T BE HOME TONIGHT'
SETTING: A BLEAK WINTER'S NIGHT. OUTSIDE A PUB CALLED 'THE RUM OLD GOAT'
ARTHUR: The weather's getting worse, Howard. Let's stop here for a pint.
HOWARD: Yes, it looks like a good old fashioned pub. I bet the locals are delighted when strangers turn up.
THEY ENTER THE PUB. THERE ARE THREE ELDERLY CUSTOMERS AND A BARMAN.
BARMAN: We don't usually get strangers here. You lads must be lost.
HOWARD: Yes, we were, um, exploring the countryside, and it was getting dark, and starting to rain, so here we are.
BARMAN: Well, what do you wanna drink?
ARTHUR: My name is Arthur. I want to sit down.
HOWARD: Heh... Arthur's SEAT!
BARMAN: By all means, lads, come in and sit down at the bar.
ARTHUR AND HOWARD SIT ON BARSTOOLS WHICH ARE QUITE LOW
ARTHUR: Well, my head's significantly lower than I'm comfortable with.
HOWARD: Do hush now, Arthur. Two pints of Stella, please, barkeep.
BARMAN SNORTS AND PREPARES THE DRINKS
OLD CUSTOMER 1: You two boys need to get out of here while you still can. Stay off the moors. Don't be outside at midnight.
HOWARD: No problem, I can do all those things at the same time.
ARTHUR (POINTS AT A PENTAGRAM ON THE WALL): What's that peculiar sign on the wall?
OLD CUSTOMER 2: Oh, don't worry your head about that, lad. It's just part of an old tradition we have round these parts.
ARTHUR: I don't like it. It makes my bottom feel funny.
HOWARD: Heh... Arthur's SEAT!
BARMAN: Truth is, lads, that sign keeps us safe. Especially on nights like this.
(BARMAN FINISHES POURING THE BEERS)
HOWARD: Thanks. Safe from what, exactly?
OLD CUSTOMER 1: Never you mind. Just remember what I said. Stay off the moors.
BARMAN: Hang on a minute, when did the clocks change? I think we forgot to reset our watches!
OLD CUSTOMER 3: No! It can't be... It's not almost midnight already?
ARTHUR: And they haven't even called last orders yet.
BARMAN (panicking): Quick... Close the door! Put out the light!
OLD CUSTOMER 1 RUSHES TO THE DOOR AND CLOSES IT, WHILE NERVOUSLY HUMMING 'NO QUARTER' BY LED ZEPPELIN
HOWARD GOES TO THE DIMMER SWITCH ON THE WALL AND TURNS THE LIGHT A BIT LOWER
HOWARD (grinning): There we go. A nice ambiance.
ELDERLY CUSTOMERS SIT DOWN. EVERYONE LOOKS AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW SECONDS
BARMAN (quietly): It's you, isn't it, lads. The two of you. You're... you're the werewolves.
HOWARD: Well, you did insist on inviting us in. Not much use in having a pentagram on the wall if you're just gonna invite us in anyway.
ARTHUR: Ah yeah, that's why it made me feel funny. Well, just a few seconds to go until things get hairy.
BARMAN (gets shotgun from under the bar): Careful now, lads. This gun's got a silver bullet. Just one silver bullet. I can't kill both of you. But unless you leave right now, one of you's gonna die.
OLD CUSTOMER 1: You better shift your arses outta here, boys.
BARMAN: Ha! Arthur's SEaa... (INTERRUPTED BY ARTHUR, NOW A WEREWOLF, ATTACKING HIM)
CUT TO EXTERIOR SHOT OF PUB AND LIGHTNING STRIKE, SCREAMING AND WHATNOT
MY ATTEMPT AT A BIT OF STAND-UP. NOT STRICTLY HORROR AS SUCH...
Pick your own strawberry fields have finished for the year, but pumpkin patches are in full swing. Nice day out with the family. In the fresh air. Gathering food or decorations. Nice pics for social media. Kids love it. Anyway...I've had a great idea for encouraging children to eat more offal.
I've found a field...
Just got to fill it now...
Thought I'd get some kidneys, livers, and tripe. All the favourites.
Mazes made from fields of corn are popular too. I reckon you could do something similar with intestines. Good and stretchy, I've found.
And a tractor ride. Kids love a tractor ride. Up the bumpy path...Past the barn...Through the field of lungs...
Not sure what I'm going to do instead of apple bobbing...
I'm sure something will come to mind...Hmmm...minds eh?
I'll vote for gappy. Had some nice 80s nostalgia too with Grange Hill, Transformers and, er, the Um Bongo advert.
BTW I did see your first sketch before you changed it gappy, and I preferred the new one. (Although, I did like the references your original one had to extreme metal sub-genres, as that sort of music is my cup of tea, though as you said, a bit niche and perhaps something most others here wouldn't be familiar with).
Yup, Gappy.
I'm between a monk and a gap this week. Could have gone either way but I think Monkhouse just pips it.
I'm Ottering again, but speckled (sic) mention for Michael for Master Bates Motel which got a grin. EDIT: I just saw Tiggy's entry, which I somehow missed before. I think this could work as part of a stand-up routine, and wodl like to change my vote to Tiggy (sorry Otterfox, yours was still cool).
PS Otterfox is on the scoreboard twice, I think perhaps the second one should be me (flattered though I am, of course). Sort it out, Monkhouse!
What'm I like?
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 21st October 2022, 3:24 PMWhat'm I like?
Not as bad as me, who couldn't even find all the entries *blush*
I'll go for the Monkster this week. The actors in my head gave a good performance of it. Very high energy.
Thanks for the feedback. I've just come out of a shitty period and not been in the mood for laughter so that sketch was hard to write and I didn't like it much. A bit of positivity is just what I really really want. I'm famous for that.