F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy and APlate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Gappy, APlate - 2
Next natterjerk: Thanks
Leg closed: 10.10.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 A Plate
2 5 Gappy, Otterfox
3 3 Me
4 1 Alfred
OSCAR WILD
AWARDS CEREMONY.
Packed hall.
V/O And this year's Oscar for Most Imaginative Use Of A Talking Green-Bollocked Mongoose In An Independent Animated Lithuanian Picksher Called '65 Sea Horses Eat Brahms in Stoke' goes to... Richard Staines!
APPLAUSE.
Enter RICHARD.
RICHARD Thank you, thank you, thank you. I won't repeat myself - thank you - and don't worry: I'm not going to act!
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
RICHARD I won't keep you long. I just want to say a couple of thank yous. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.
RICHARD It's not a joke.
SILENCE.
RICHARD Thank you to my producer, Claude Nobbes, for producing - my actor, Tuff Dix, for acting - and my sconographer, Long Penis, for scenographating. You have been wondrous, wonderful and just like, totally awesome, dude. And thank you to my coach for being splendid, my cast and crew for being amazing, and my crew and cast for being good. Thank you to my wife and kids, my ex wife and kids and my future wife and gleam in my brother-in-law's pube. Thank you to my mother, grandmother, great grandmother and awesome grandmother. Thank you to my dad for rogering my mother, without which I wouldn't be here. Thank you to my cousin, my step father and my father's steps. And thank you first and foreskin to the Spice Girls for giving me something to jerk off to before these heady days of streaming with your free hand, to the Rolling Stones cos they're still f**king brilliant, I don't give a tiddler's cum what the tabloids say, they're just bleedin' jealous, and to 'The Catcher in the Rye'. F**king loved that book, pisses all over 'On the Road', that was total shit. And thank you to Mollie Spectre, she knows who she is, Phil Buckets, I know who he is, and Flawed Ghosts, no one gives a f**k who they are. Thank you to my first girlfriend, she was great, I honestly don't get all these horror stories about busting your cherry, she was great. I was great. The barman was great. The cheese was grated, the honey is fusty, the guacamole will taste like shit. But thank you. And thank you to Oasis, I think they're f**king top geezers and the music's shit hot too, no way did they shoot their proverbial wad with the second album, I reckon 'Be Here Now' is a frickin' boot and SERIOUSLY underrated by critics, public and scrotes, I bet me bottom it'll be rediscovered one day and I won't wanna say I told you so, but I did. Never got into Blur meself - a few okay singles, but otherwise - dunno, really. And don't get me started on Pulp - they'd been going for years and were still shit, man Jarvis Cocker makes Posh look like f**king Pavarotti, and I apologise for my language, that's SOUND like, ha ha! Hey - Jarvis COCKer! Never noticed that before... And thanks to Rod Smythe for getting me to stop smoking. I feel soooo much better now. And ok, I still have a slight tendency to booze, but nothing wrong with the occasional bender, eh?... So, anyone else? Oh yeah, my uncle used to read Roald Dahl books to me, that was always nice. And I think the American Office is quite good - goes on a bit, but there are lots of funny bits, and Steve Carell is a good comic actor - the timing, the expressions etc. I know the UK purists weren't overstruck, but it was a hard act to follow, and if they failed, they failed with honour. And I'll spell that the American way! Married With Children was funny too, and the Cosby Show, but I never got into Roseanne. Just me, I guess! So, anyone I've forgotten?
ROOM EMPTY.
THE THANK YOU LETTER
SCENE: FATHER CHRISTMAS IS SITTING IN A ROCKING CHAIR. THE CALENDAR SAYS JANUARY 3RD.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
FC: You may enter.
AN ELF WALKS IN WITH AN ENVELOPE
FC: Ah, hello, Brian. What's that you have there? A letter?
ELF: Yes, Father Christmas. It's a thank you letter from a young boy called Timmy Hat.
FC: A thank you letter! Good Heavens, I didn't think children bothered with those any more. Please, read it out to me.
ELF OPENS THE LETTER AND READS ALOUD
ELF: "Dear Santa..."
FC: Well, that's not a good start. I don't like being called Santa. Still, never mind. Carry on.
ELF: "Dear Santa..."
FATHER CHRISTMAS GRIMACES
ELF: "Thanks ever so much for my lovely bisexual."
FC: Good Heavens! I don't recall giving anyone a bisexual for Christmas. Do you, Brian? Do you recall us giving someone a bisexual for Christmas? Did I go down a chimney holding someone who openly flaunts the teachings of the LORD, and leave the aforementioned heathen inside a stocking?
ELF: No, my mistake. It's 'bicycle'. It says "thanks ever so much for my lovely bicycle". His writing's a bit funny.
FC: Ho! Ho! Ho! That's all right, then. Carry on.
ELF: "I will enjoy riding it."
FC: Ho! Ho! Ho! It's just as well we worked out that it was a bicycle he was referring to, isn't it! Imagine how awkward it would be if we were still under the impression that young Timmy Hat was referring to a bisexual, and he said "I will enjoy riding it"! Ho! Ho! Ho!
ELF: Yeah, yeah. Well, then he ends it with "next year, can I have a f**k book?"
FC: Good Heavens! Such language. I would certainly not use that sort of language myself. Well, not since Coca Cola made me change my coat. Red really isn't my colour, you know.
ELF: Yeah, yeah.
FC: I remember it well. "Oh, f**k", I said at the time! I said "oh, f**k, those asshats from Coca Cola are telling me to change my nice green coat to a gaudy red one"! Do you remember that, Brian? Do you remember when Coca Cola ordered me to change my coat?
ELF: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, it actually says "flick book". You know, one of those books where you flick through the pages and it looks like something's moving.
FC: Well, I've had it up to here with Timmy so-called Hat. Set fire to the letter.
ELF: You want me to set fire to the letter?!
FC: Do it NOW!
HIAWILTSHIRE
To the east of Wootton Basset,
Snug beside the A419,
Sits the jewel of Wiltshire county,
Sits the mighty town of Swindon,
Sits the home of Greenbridge Retail,
Mecca to the thrifty shopper.
Let us give our thanks and credit
To this burg of British culture,
How my gratitiude upwelleth,
How I praise thee in my poem,
How I call out to your essence,
How I wish to call and greet you
(Dialling code 01493),
How I wish to praise your glory!
Home to the great Wyvern playhouse,
Where they celebrate the drama,
Where they share theatre's beauty,
And put on Showaddywaddy,
Or a tribute to Glenn Miller:
Half-price tickets for the aged,
For the grey-haired men of Swindon.
Let us share the civic wonder,
Share the news of charming Swindon
In The Swindon Advertiser
Or The Wilts Gazette & Herald.
Hail the home of saints and heroes,
Like Bob Peart the centre-forward,
Mark Lamarr and Desmond Morris,
XTC and Billie Piper
Who was Laurence's Fox's partner
Before he went gammon bonkers.
Swindon's oceanic climate
Gives warm summers, gives cool winters,
Like the rest of southern England,
With a mean precipitation
Of 30.34 inches
Falling every year on Swindon
(Data from RAF Lyneham,
10 miles south-southwest of Swindon).
Sadly Swindon is not often
Dignified in song or lyric,
Lauded in verse, lay or sonnet,
Though full often it is mentioned
As a stand-in, as a cipher
For a town that isn't cherished,
In place of an actual punchline
In bad jokes, and skits, and sitcoms,
By hack writers of poor sketches
And bad parodies, like this one.
TOM VISITS A SELF HELP GURU.
GURU:
I understand that you have many troubles and you are unhappy with your lot in life. Giving thanks is a sure way to change you perspective. For instance, you could say thank you for my job as a sheep farmer.
TOM:
I hate it.
GURU:
Well, thank you for the soft wool that the sheep provide.
TOM:
It's full of worms.
GURU:
Then, thank you for the dossile nature of the animals.
TOM:
I got bitten on the lip by a sheep.
GURU:
For the affection the sheep have for me when lips meet.
TOM:
Hey, are you suggesting something?
GURU:
That we can all find love no matter how unusual or strange it might be. Who are we to cast judge-
TOM:
Hold on a second!
GURU:
Thank you for your even temper under such suggestions.
TOM:
Maybe it's not so even.
GURU:
Give thanks for your ability to look past such suggestions and appreciate the guru helping you and indeed thank him for his support.
TOM:
I certainly don't appreciate you now after those accusations. In fact I'm feeling very angry.
GURU:
For your ability to somehow maintain your composure when it seemed like it might spill over and in staying calm while you pay the peaceful man who helped you and that you even offered a generous tip in spite of your building rage. Then, maybe afterwards in the car home, the anger hits but you take it on on someone else. Thank you now universe for other people to divert the blame unto. Thank you for innocent bystanders without whom my face would be undoubtedly pummelled to bits.
Tom hits Guru with an almighty punch which flattens him.
GURU (groggy):
Thank you for.....ah f**k it!
Collapses back down.
END.
The opening post says leg closed on 20.10.22 but I assume the thread title is correct and it was closed 10.10.22
In which case.. My vote is for Otterfox. I wonder what the explanation (for being bitten on the lip by a sheep) would be if it was all perfectly innocent!
Yes; Otterfox.
Yes, Otter for me too, I think.
It's A Plate for me this week. The little mannerisms like Santa grimacing when he was referred to by his name were great.
I had a B. Sketch for this comp but preferred the other one. Anyway, if anyone wants to read it here it is:
Promoter:
Welcome for the big fight showdown, weigh-in, press conference extravaganza...thing.
First up a man who needs no introduction but I'll give him one anyway, from the mean streets of Dublin, known to be a right scumbag altogether, Greggy O'Connor!
Greggy:
Yeah yeah yeah you know it bitches. Who the f**k is this guy?
Promoter:
We'll get to that at the appropriate part of the sketch.
Greggy:
It doesn't matter anyway cos he's going to get whupped. I'm sorry pal but your messing with the wrong man - god even. barking up the wrong tree you are. Trying to make a name for yourself.
Opponent: (polite)
I already have a name thank you.
Greggy:
Are you getting smart? Cos you know what I do with people, I knock seven shades of shit outta them and you're no exception. Im
Going to put your head in a sling buddy. Hahaha!
Opponent:
Thank you, helping me out. Most kind of you sir.
Greggy:
Nnooo, not in a nice way in a terrible way. I'm going to put you in an ambulance schmuck!
Opponent:
Again, I have to say I'm most grateful. If things do go wrong for me I'm glad you'll be on hand to help me into the ambulance.
Greggy:
For a smart schmuck you're a thick schmuck. You'll be going home in an ambulance.
Opponent:
Thanks again for clarifying but why would I be going home in an ambulance? If I was in an ambulance would I not be going to the hospital? Perhaps directions aren't your forte.
Greggy tries to leap to attack opponent.
Greggy:
Everything is my forte! I'm going to destroy you! You're f**king ruined! You'll be mashed into the floor like yesterdays peas, you're not worthy to grace the octagon with my greatness. You just want to be touched by greatness! I'll obliterate you!
Promoter:
Ok let's hear from the opponent. Fresh from his job in customer support we have Paul McCarthy!
Paul:
Thank you very much for the threats and I fully appreciate where you're coming from Greggy. Rest assured I'll be happy to fight you tonight. I do certainly apologise for the inconvenience but I am unable to provide you with a victory on this occasion. I can however assure you that you may throw a punch or two but at this moment I cannot guarantee that they will land. If you wish to throw a successful punch do not hesitate to reach out to me.
At the end of this fight you may receive an additional kick from me this is just in relation to me being an absolutely vengeful bastard! Good night!
Paul walks off.
Another good one, Otterfox; neat idea to have polite-passive-aggressiveness as a response to the 'trash talk' malarkey, and then the reveal of the opponent's day job to explain his particular style of pre-fight patter.