gappy
Thursday 19th January 2023 8:15pm [Edited]
Oxford
2,682 posts
Seems like a bunch of us have had the same idea. When my sketch group did our first show, we had some prerecorded radio sketches at the start and end of each half, featuring this chap. I appreciate this doesn't answer your questions, but here you go anyway.
[GRAMS: TINNY, CHEESY RADIO ADVERT BED RUNS UNDERNEATH THE FOLLOWING]
BILLY: [Talks in the excited manner of a local car dealer on US TV] Hi! I'm Crazy Billy!
You've heard of mad, well I'm completely preposterous! Deranged! Maniacal!
Literally clinically ill! Why not come and visit my place on the Great South Road just
off junction 47 of Interstate 152? [Off] Was that alright? I can do it again, if you like;
with my pants on?
[FX: BURST OF STATIC]
[GRAMS: SAME BED AS PREVIOUSLY]
BILLY:Hi! I'm Crazy Billy! Why not come visit me just off Junction 47 of interstate 152?
[Mad falsetto] Why the heck should we Crazy Billy? [Normal] I'm darned sure you'll
lick your lips and love me, that's why! [Falsetto] We love you, Crazy Billy [Normal]
Exactly! Thanks. [Falsetto] You're welcome. [Normal] Sure, er, fine, whatever.
But I say, it ain't enough just to love Crazy Billy! You've got to adore him, worship
him, get down on your kne- [Falsetto] Billy, do you need us for anything else?
[Normal] No, you can go. Thanks. Erm, yes...get down on your knees and pray to
the craziest Billy you're ever gonna goshdarned meet, just off Junction 47 of
interstate 152.
[GRAMS: SAME BED AS PREVIOUSLY. IT RUNS OUT BEFORE THE END OF THE SPEECH]
BILLY:Hi! I'm Crazy Billy! Just off Junction 47 of interstate 152. Do you want a cheap,
reliable Daihatsu? Doesn't everyone want cheap, reliable Diahatsus? Do I have
cheap, reliable Daihatsus? No, I don't. But sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I
dream of them all day long, a fleet of cheap Daihatsus to escort me from my misery
like a king on a reasonably priced Japanese mobile throne. Sometimes I sit in the
dark, just off Junction 47 of Interstate 152, rocking back and forth, chanting the word
"Daihatsu", grasping at the hope that just one time it will be the magic word and
unlock me from this hideous prison. If I, Crazy Billy, could have just one wish from the
Daihatsu deity it would be to lift me away from my torment to the highest heaven on
wispy diaphanous clouds with central locking and the option of heated seats.
[FX: STATIC BURST]
[GRAMS: SAME BED AS PREVIOUSLY. IT SOUNDS WOOZILY REVERBED AND RUNS AT THE WRONG SPEED]
BILLY:[Slurred] Hi. I'm Crazy Billy. Why not come and visit my place on the Great South
Road just off junction 47 of Interstate 152? Come quickly. I took all the yellow pills.
Help me. Please, Daihatsu, help me. Sweet sleep, come silence the hounds in my
head. Bury me with a sunroof and the optional walnut veneer. Just off Junction 47
[Fading] of Interstate 152.
[FX: BED RUNS TO A HALT. FINAL LONG STATIC BURST]
Well, the formatting seems to have gone Billy-level bonkers, but never mind.