Abode Not Beyond

Daily Mail Office
A cub reporter nervously knocks on the Editors door.

EDITOR
Come!

CUB
You wanted to see me sir?

EDITOR
Yes, it's about that story that you did on the house with the three murders

CUB
Confident
I was just in the right place at the right time sir, the story wrote itself

EDITOR
So it was the story itself that forgot to mention how much the house cost was it?

CUB
Shocked
I'm sorry I erm ....

EDITOR
How many times do I have to tell you? F**k Reuters, F**k the Associated Press whenever something happens you think Zoopla Zoopla F**king Zoopla . Our readers need to know how much the house cost first and f**king foremost. The rest is just the f**king gubbins!

There's something in that - not fully fledged yet.
The other way round might be fun - estate agent turned reporter - spends more time describing the house (in estate Agent jargon) than the crime scene.

It was just that I noticed they always say the price of the property whenever someone gets murdered in a house . You'll see it yourself from now on.

True - probably because they rob the image from a house-price site, rather than send a smudger round to get their own.

Quote: Teddy Paddalack @ 16th September 2022, 5:32 PM

It was just that I noticed they always say the price of the property whenever someone gets murdered in a house . You'll see it yourself from now on.

View original

It's a very valid observation, Teddy, but not much of a sketch as yet. It probably needs to go further: does the editor want them to find the price of the knife used for the stabbing? Or would he rather ditch this scoop for a non-story, just because it happens at a better address? Neither of those are great ideas, I'm afraid, but I think something needs to happen.

Thanks for the read of it Gappy as with anything I do it could be polished and made better. But as there is no longer any sketch shows or any chance of people like me getting noticed I just throw these things up, I don't even keep copies I just write on the board as it can help lift me at times and show me that I at least have the basics.

Yes, needs filling in a bit.
Hack: the horribly mutilated body was found in the kitchen -
Ed: Fully fitted?
Hack: Er -
Ed: Plenty of surfaces? kitchen island? One of those wooden blocks with knives sticking out?
Etc
I'm sure you could do it better.

Go on then, I'll do it tonight and see how it pans out, as at the mo I am up to my neck in the garden.

Should get rid of the moles

The way things are going I'l be f**king eating them. Toad with a Mole is a definite possibility of being in the menu at Teddys Tottering Towers if I don't find a job soon.

DAILY MAIL OFFICE
A cub reporter knocks nervously on the Editors door.
EDITOR
Come
CUB
You wanted to see me sir
EDITOR
Yes, I'm thinking of spiking your double murder piece
CUB
Spiking it? It's the best story I've ever written, I was there in person! I saw it actually happen every word of it is fact sir!
EDITOR
There's your problem, you're letting the facts bog you down, they're getting in the way of your work
CUB
In what way?
EDITOR
It's the basics. How many times do I have to tell you that you always lead with the price of the property that the crime occurred in. Our reader love to know the house prices in the area and what they look like inside
CUB
I did mention the price in the story sir
EDITOR
Halfway down! It should always be included in the headline.
CUB
I don't follow
EDITOR
This was 4-million-pound property, you should have been all over Zoopla getting interior shots of what the place looked like.
CUB
How would that help the story?

EDITOR
It should be the f**king story that's my point. It had it all 'Bodies found laying on spacious parquetted floor hallway.' 'Open plan design of house could have left the victims being unable to hide'. 'The killer may have entered through the well-manicured garden' ' Did killer cross Mediterranean style patio' May have used mechanised awning to clamber up onto the 1st floor balcony which overlooks the Thames.
Then finish off with the classic 'Police insider claims they may conduct door to door inquiries at nearby council housing estate assisted by interpreters. It has it all, splendour, tragedy, success, envy and uncontrolled immigration

CUB
But I thought the property stuff we use was just for filling this story didn't need any
EDITOR
Filling? You listen to me son this the Daily F**king Mail and if you want to stay working for us you had better make sure you put the property price in the heading of every story you write
CUB
But the two people who were killed were both Nobel Prize winners
EDITOR
They should have just been passed off as 'Boffins'
CUB
They were even friends with Harry And Meghan, they've both tweeted out condolences
EDITOR
They'll do anything for sympathy those two
CUB
But that's big it has to be, bigger than just describing a property
EDITOR
Big my arse, now if those two knew the killer, which wouldn't be shock, that'd be BIG, we'd have given you at least a double page spread
CUB
Can I rectify it
EDITOR
If you tear it down and build it back up properly.
CUB
In what way

EDITOR
For a start get shut of the 'Royal Couple shocked by murder of newly wed cancer breakthrough scientists'
Go with 'Boffins slain in four-million-pound super pad, then lower case, couple may have been known to minor royals. The rest you can get off Zoopla
CUB
I'll get on it right away sir
EDITOR
And don't forget to mention that gypsies had been in the area recently
CUB
Had they?
EDITOR
They could have, it's not like they stay in one f**king place!

That is so much better, I like it - and the ending works (we may as well be actively critical of the mail whilst we're at it, eh).

My only comment is that the estate agent speak that the editor uses could be more absurd. Stuff like "The victim's severed head was found in a bijou study which would be ideal for conversion into a nursery", or "Mrs Brown was discovered in the elegant, spacious kitchen where she had been mutilated by a number of the mod cons".

Thanks for the read of it Gappy, I know what you mean about estate agent approach. But I got as much as I could in without going off tangent which is one of my habits if I don't watch myself,