F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 3
Me - 1
Next natterjerk: Relationships (anything but the f**king Queen)
Leg closed: 20.9.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 5 Otterfox
2 4 Aplate
3 3 Gappy, Me
4 1 Alfred
ENVOYED
CONFERENCE HALL.
BIDEN, AIDE and AUDIENCE.
AIDE Good afternoon ladies and gentleman and you, and welcome to this evening's conference. This morning it is my proud pleasure, privilege and pride to welcome Joe Biden, American President, the President of America and America's President. And he will be answering any question you may wish to pose... Yes, Sir?
AUDIENCE MEMBER Who's your favourite Spice Girl?
BIDEN Oh God, not that again! Spice went out of cooldom the sec Geri left, waaaay back in 98, and even before that, they were total shit.
AIDE Mr President, please answer the question.
BIDEN Well an official communiqué was officially issued at the official moment of my inauguration officially, in which I affirmed, I really really want Sporty.
(BOOS)
MEMBER Oh come on, mate, she's got no tits!
BIDEN (gets up, furious) An intelligent man doesn't put stereotype wank fodder first. You've got Playboy centerfolds for that, and I'd like to see them without make-up, photoshop and lighting! Actually, I don't think I would. An intelligent male places talent, charisma and personality first, and Mel trumps the lot of those sad old boilers.
MEMBER (laughs) Trump!
BIDEN Watch it!
AIDE Order please, ladies and gentlemen and you... Next question, Sir?
MEMBER Favourite colour?
BIDEN Blue.
MEMBER Why? Our organ demands a justification.
BIDEN (shrugs) Dunno really. It's just kinda nice. Mellow and the colour of sky and - I dunno, I guess it's just pretty like awesome, dude.
MEMBER What was the Rolling Stones' first number one?
BIDEN DUH! I Wanna Be Your Man.
MEMBER No it wasn't.
BIDEN Was so!
MEMBER Nope.
BIDEN I think you'll find it was.
MEMBER Nope, very common f**kup. I Wanna Be Your Man was actually the Stones' first hit, whereas the lads' first single was Come On, a version of the Chuck Berry ditty released on Chess Records in 1961 and covered by the boys for UK release in June 1963, less than a year after the band had played their first gig at the Marquee.
BIDEN Oh gosh, you're right? Duh! What'm I like, eh?
AUDIENCE MEMBER Pulp or Oasis?
BIDEN Oasis. I f**king hate Pulp. All rhat 'Well I don't see anyone else smiling around here' - what a bunch of wankers.
MEMBER Blondes or brunettes?
BIDEN Brunettes. Def. You know what I really really want? One of those Mediterranean babes like La Cucinotta, all dark hair and big boobs and hornsome curves. I mean, phwoar, right? Sorry to any blondes listening!
MEMBER Any messages to the royal family?
BIDEN Oh f**k off, you wanker. Always some party poop who wants to bring the mood down, right? Look, I know it's sad when some f**ker dies, but it happens all the bleedin' time, right? Plus England's f**king miles asway. And those dumb f**ks must be bored shitless of all these friggin' ondeloemcy messages, so f**k 'em.
AIDE Well said, you honour.
BIDEN Ah, stop it.
MEMBER How shall the USA react to Ukrainian forces entering the key Russian military stronghold of Izium, continuing their rapid advance across the northeast and igniting a dramatic new phase in the more than six-month war, so that city mayor Valeriy Marchemko stated, "Izium was liberated today," claiming to be in contact with the policeso that emergency services were working to clear it of possible hazards before residents could return even though Russia's Ministry of Defense -- which a day earlier had said that it was moving to reinforce its defensive positions in the region -- confirmed it had pulled its forces out of Izium, six months after its forces laid siege to and then seized the city. In a statement, it presented the retreat as a preplanned move, intended to strengthen its efforts in the east where...
AIDE Time's up, everyone. Time to leave...
MITHRIL:How'd it go last night? I saw getting on well with that girl, so, what happened?
NAZGUL: Oh, nothing.
MITHRIL:How come?
NAZGUL:I think I've been watching far too many James Bond movies. It's really affected my sexual desire.
MITHRIL: Oh yeah, it's like porn: it's given you unrealistic expectations of what a woman looks like and how they act.
NAZGUL:No, it's not that. It's just I can only be aroused by a naked girl if she's moving slowly in silhouette.
MITHRIL:Is that a problem?
NAZGUL:Let me put it like this, when a girl slips out of her cocktail dress, the first thing she wants to hear isn't "quick, get behind that gauzy mesh and arrange the anglepoise lamp"
MITHRIL:Right. You'd best give it up, then.
NAZGUL:I know. It's just...
MITHRIL:What?
NAZGUL:Well, I only just finished paying for that bath-sized martini glass.
MAX MEETS TINA
SETTING: A RESTAURANT
MAX: Ah! Hello, Tina. Please, sit down. On a chair, I mean! Not on my FACE! Ha! Ha! Ha! That would be a bit forward, wouldn't it! On a first date! Ha! Ha! Ha!
TINA: Er... Thanks.
TINA SITS DOWN (ON A CHAIR)
MAX: Sorry about that. I'm a bit nervous. Anyway, Tina, tell me about yourself.
TINA: Well, I'm 24, and...
MAX: Wa-hey! 24 years old? I'm more than twice your age! Result!
TINA: Yes, well, as I said to the dating agency, I tend to go for older men. Guys my age are immature, they're restless, they don't have a decent career.
MAX: Well, I don't have a decent career either, to be honest. I can't be doing with all that 'working' malarkey. I prefer to stand by the canal, and laugh at the shopping trolley that's always there.
TINA: What?
MAX: I'm serious! It's always there! Why's there a shopping trolley there?! Always cracks me up.
TINA: Yes, well, shall we order some food?
MAX: Sure. I'm Hank Marvin.
TINA: But the agency said your name was Max Thimble.
MAX: Ha! Ha! Never mind. Please, sit on my - oh, wait a minute, I've done that bit.
TINA: So, what shall we order?
MAX: Actually, I'm a bit skint at the moment. There's not much money in hanging out at the canal and laughing at a shopping trolley...
TINA: Oh, never mind...
MAX: ...It's always there!
TINA: I want to leave.
MAX: Good idea. We could go for a walk by the canal. Don't worry, I'm not a mad axe murderer! Ha! Ha! Ha!
TINA: No, you're just a twat.
MAX: Careful! For all you know, I might've just been in prison for doing something unthinkable.
TINA: Like what?
MAX: Dunno, I can't think of anything.
TINA: Right, that's it.
TINA GETS A GUN FROM HER HANDBAG AND SHOOTS MAX
MAX (bleeding, dying, etc): I'm bleeding, dying, etc.! Put my body... in the trolley...
WAITER: Now, that's what I call a shotgun romance!
TINA: Ha! Ha! Ha!
MAX: Ha! Ha! Ha! (dies)
FINAL SCENE: MAX'S GHOST STARES FORLORNLY AT A SHOPPING TROLLEY IN A CANAL
Relationships.
Psychiatrist:
So Ollie, tell me about your relationships.
Ollie:
What kind of relinquishment's do you want to know about?
psychiatrist:
No, I want to know more about your relationships.
Ollie:
Yes I'm telling you about my relinquishments.
Psychiatrist:
Ah I see, so what can you tell me about your 'relinquishments'?
Ollie:
My relinquishment's? What's that got to do with anything?
Psychiatrist:
Lets start again. Talk to me about your relationship with your mother.
Ollie:
My mother was a very important influx on me. From a very young age she would-
PSY:
Sorry to interrupt. She was an influx?
Ollie:
Yes, from a very young age she'd say: 'Now Peter, always remember that the words maketh the man.'
PSY:
And she called you Peter?
Ollie:
That's correct. She called me Peter. She had a rare speech embellishment where she'd say at least one word incorrectly in every sentence.
PSY:
Embellishment...right.
Ollie:
I'm afraid you're confused. Not embellishment - embellishment.
PSY:
And would you say that you take after her at all? Have any of her traits?
Ollie:
I can honestly so no, and I don't take after my dad either. Sometimes I think that I might have been assaulted.
PSY:
Assaulted!? That would explain a lot.
Ollie:
Assault! Who mentioned assault.
PSY:
You did.
Ollie:
Have you broken your leg or something, I said assaulted, A-D-O-P-T-E-D - assaulted.
PSY:
Fine. So what was your father like?
Ollie:
My father? My father was strange. He could flip play cards with one hawk and could tell the time just by looking at a clunk.
PSY:
This is getting rather confusing. I'm just going to try jump out past this. By hawk do you mean hand and by clunk would you mean clock?
Ollie:
What is wrong with you? Have you lost your mink or being raiding the magical cabinet.
PSY:
I think you mean the medical cabinet. Let me guess, you're going to say 'yes that's what I said magical but really meaning medical.'
Ollie:
No, no, I mean a magical carbonate.
PSY:
You mean...you actually know about the magical cabinet?
Ollie:
Yeast.
PSY:
Yes? Well that changes matters, what will it be, maybe a potion - a potion for earwax, earhorn, earbob. A spell perhaps, alacazoo malakadup galapalagic.
Ollie:
The spell, all I'd to do was to make it all up to get some of your magic.
END.
Another tricky choice, but I'll vote for gappy's short and snappy.
Yes, Gappy.
She was on the One Show last night, which you might get on catch-up.
Thank you.
Tempted by Herc's surreal entry, but it was after the deadline, so I'll give it to A Plate, for the "something unthinkable joke", if nothing else.
I loved A Plates this week. Great structure, funny throughout and lovely ending. A Plate for me.
Quote: gappy @ 21st September 2022, 10:01 AMTempted by Herc's surreal entry, but it was after the deadline, so I'll give it to A Plate, for the "something unthinkable joke", if nothing else.
Yes, I have these moments of genius, it's just I don't realise it.
Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 21st September 2022, 8:30 AMShe was on the One Show last night, which you might get on catch-up.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 21st September 2022, 8:50 AMThank you.
AND she was on Sunday Brunch this morning flogging her book, if again, you can get it on catch-up.
She'll do anything to impress me.