F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 2
Gappy, Aplate - 1
Next natterjerk: Party
Leg closed: 7.9.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 4 Aplate
2 3 Gappy
3 2 Otterfox,, me
4 1 Alfred
JIM:Hey hey! Colin, you made it!
COL:Hi Jim. Yes, here I am; so, where should I put my bottle?
JIM:Just round here.
COL: Do you mean on this side of the...?
JIM:No, no, come round to -
COL: Oh, pardon me.
JIM:No, no worries, bit of a squeeze, but if you just...
COL: OK, here I am. Err, got any crisps?
JIM:Yes, over in the corner.
COL: Do you mean this way, or - ouch.
JIM:No, sorry, my fault. If you just let me squeeze -
COL:How about I go left?
JIM:Yes, that's perfect, and then I'll sort of shimmy - oh, do excuse me, go a bit stuck - and then...voila!
COL:It's just one packet of Sky Divers, Jim. And you've had half of them.
JIM:Well, that's all we had room for.
COL:Yeah. It is a bit, sort of...
JIM:Cosy?
COL:Claustrophobic.
JIM:Cosyphobic more like!
COL:That doesn't make any sense. Tell me, Jim, why did you throw this party in your pants?
JIM:It's just a thing I'd heard. I thought it was the trend.
COL:I mean, I've heard it too, but I don't think it can mean this. Because this is really unpleasant.
JIM:Yes, I think so too. And it's -
COL: Ow!
JIM Sorry, I moved my arm too quickly. But these aren't even my pants.
COL:Whose are they?
JIM:Giant Haystacks's.
COL:Where'd you get them from?
JIM:There's a wrestling museum in Runcorn with quite lax security. Don't worry, I'll give them back, after the party.
COL:Right. Is anyone else coming?
JIM:I don't know. Everyone said they were, but it's a bit of poor show: no offence!
COL:None taken. But it's a good job, even with two of us, these pants are packed.
JIM:That sounds horrible.
COL:It is horrible. I'm not convinced the Runcorn people ever washed these.
JIM: Still, I wonder where everyone is.
SFX: PHONE ALERT
JIM: Oh! Looks like loads of people are at Janet's.
COL:Why's that?
JIM: She's having a party in her mouth. I mean, that'd be even more cramped.
COL:Yeah. But I bet they'd have crisps...
GAYTIME.
Buffet.
TED and ROD.
TED I know these freshers' dos are supposed to be fun, but they always end up tense... Um, hi. My name's Ted.
ROD Hello. I'm Rod and I'm gay.
TED Um - nice to meet you, Rod.
ROD Nice to meet you too. I'm gay.
TED So - where are you from?
ROD I'm from Hampshire and I'm gay.
TED Fine. Is it nice?
ROD It's okay. I'm gay, by the way.
TED Yeah. How old are you?
ROD I'm nineteen and gay.
TED I'm nineteen too...
ROD Yeah. I am also gay.
TED Are you looking forward to this year?
ROD Yes, looking forward and gay.
TED And what faculty are you in?
ROD Queer studies. Because I'm gay.
TED I'm a historian.
ROD I'm a gay.
TED Well, I'm glad I met you, Rod.
ROD I'm glad as well. And gay.
TED But I'm off now.
ROD Are you? I'm gay.
TED Oh, I just remembered - there is a gay society.
ROD How dare you? (hits him) Why do people always reduce me like that?
LARSON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
SCENE: THREE MIDDLE AGED MEN WEARING SUITS AND PAPER HATS ARE SITTING IN A LIVING ROOM.
THE SONG 'AGADOO' BY BLACK LACE IS PLAYING QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND.
JENKINS: Well, this is a splendid party, Larson.
LARSON: Much obliged, Jenkins. Thought I'd push the boat out for my 50th. And thanks again for the gift. It must've set you back a few bob.
LARSON GESTURES TO A CHEAP WATCH WITH SPIDERMAN'S FACE ON IT
JENKINS: Oh, think nothing of it, dear chap. I saw it and thought of you.
BANCROFT: Ha, that game of 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' earlier was a right lark!
LARSON: Thank you, old friend. I was planning a game of Pass the Parcel, but the bloody Royal Mail's on strike again.
BANCROFT: The blighters!
LARSON: Would you like another glass of champers, Bancroft?
BANCROFT: Not for me, thanks. I want to stay in control of my faculties.
LARSON: Oh, I didn't know you worked at the university.
JENKINS: I say, Larson, is it time for the cake yet? Sorry to be a bore, but my mother will be in a frightful mood if I'm not home by seven.
LARSON: Apologies, Jenkins, I hadn't noticed the time. Anything else planned for the evening?
JENKINS: Just ruddy bath night again.
LARSON: Ah. Well, I'll just go and help prepare the cake. Excuse me, chaps.
LARSON WALKS TO THE OPEN DOOR
LARSON: Wife! Is my birthday cake ready yet?
WOMAN'S VOICE: It'll be about twenty minutes, dear, I'm still lighting the candles.
BANCROFT: She's a fine woman, Larson. Must be a lot of work for her, setting up your birthday party every year.
LARSON: It does wear her out a bit. But yes, she only does it annually.
BANCROFT: Good Lord! My wife would never agree to that sort of thing...
Mark looking into mirror.
SAM:
Why are you dressed like a Victorian lion tamer?
MARK:
What do you mean?
SAM:
I mean like a Victorian lion tamer.
MARK:
Well I have to dress up don't I.
SAM:
Do you? For what?
MARK:
I can't say it too loud but (whispers) he's back.
SAM:
Whose back?
MARK:
Lanniger Lee. The party maestro himself. Once every year Lanniger Lee emerges from the shadows and has an absolute blow out of epic proportions. The drink is flowing, the yacht is hopping, the celebrities are doing things that could ruin careers. He then drifts back into the darkness from whence he came never to be seen again....until next year.
SAM:
Can I go?
MARK:
"Can I go?" As if you can go.
SAM:
Why not?
MARK:
Did you pass the Tests of Taldragdo.
SAM:
What are you talking about?
MARK:
The tests laid out for the last six months by the great one himself.
SAM:
It can't be that difficult. What do I have to do?
MARK:
Alright, here's what you have to do: one: get a picture taken with a man with a broken back.
SAM:
What!?!
MARK:
Specifically his back has to droop; his front folded up like an accordion.
SAM:
Ok...anything else?
MARK:
Ride a lame cow into a stable and get bitten by a horse.
SAM:
Fine. Is that it?
MARK:
Last thing, write you're name in
water.
SAM:
I'm not even sure.....how am I supposed to do all that? There has to be another way!
MARK:
There is. As an alternative you just need to find someone who is shocked and deflabbergast them.
SAM:
Come on! I really want to go now but how am I supposed to do all these mad steps. This is ridiculous! Why did you even mention what you were doing? Now I'm all
Confused and intrigued in equal measure. Thank you! Thank you very much! You go have an epic time and I'll stay here not knowing what to make of myself or anything else!
MARK:
You could go as my guest? Hes actually surprisingly normal when you meet him. Here throw on this catsuit made of gander feathers.
Ext. night. Entrance to yacht.
Man in standard suit sits on a chair.
MARK:
Lanniger...(recites) twice in two years is simply fantastic. Your eyes are blue and your ears are elastic.
They stand a few feet away from him.
LANNIGER:
This is my assistant.....
HE GESTURES TO SOMEONE OUT OF SHOT. HE GESTURES AGAIN AND BECKONS.
LANNIGER:
This is my assistant....
LANNIGER HAS HIS ARM OUTSTRETCHED FOR SEVERAL MORE SECONDS.
LANNIGER:
My assistant, FC Toblet. FC, please usher my guests over to me.
FC GUIDES THE PAIR THE FEW FEET TO LANNIGER. FC DISAPPEARS.
LANNIGER:
Ah, who do we have here?
MARK:
Mark and Sam.
LANNIGER:
Two names. I like that in a pair of people. Any questions?
MARK:
No sir!
SAM:
Yes.
LANNIGER LOOKS TO BE AFFRONTED.
LANNIGER:
Yes?
SAM:
Why is he called FC?
MARK LOOKS APPAULED THAT HES ASKED THE QUESTION. LANNIGER LOOKS OFFENDED.
BEAT.
LANNIGER:
Before he worked for me he worked as a football club.
SAM:
*For* a football club?
LANNIGER:
'As'....Okay gentlemen please go right at the llama and hop on the swinging stairs.
SAM:
Oh man, I can't believe we're here! I know I had no idea this existed up to a couple of hours ago but it's so exciting!
STAIRS SWINGS TOWARDS THEM. MARK HOPS ON. SAM DOESNT SEE IT AND IS KNOCKED INTO THE SEA.
END.
All good. Otterfox this wank.
Otterfox. I would describe that tale as 'peculiar' to some extent
An Otter for me too, please.
It's Mikey M. for me this week.
Quote: a plate @ 8th September 2022, 12:46 AMOtterfox. I would describe that tale as 'peculiar' to some extent
I get that a bit alright ?