F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for winking. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke. Meanwhilst...
Me - 2
Gappy, Aplate - 1
Next natterjerk: Pets (suggested by Aplate)
Leg closed: 25.8.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 3 Aplate
2 2 Gappy, me
3 1Alfred
MAN'S BEST FROG (AND CAT)
ROB: How do, Steve. What's in the cardboard box?
STEVE: Hello, Rob. Oh, I just got a new pet. It's a frog.
ROB: And it's going to live in that cardboard box, is it?
STEVE: Yeah.
ROB: Oh. What are those marks on the lid?
STEVE: Airholes.
ROB: No need for that, I was only asking.
STEVE: No, no, airholes, so the frog can breathe.
ROB: Can I have a look at it?
STEVE: Ha! That's what she said!
ROB: That's what who said? The FROG?
STEVE: No, no, never mind. All right, I'll lift up the lid so you can observe the croaky sod. (LIFTS UP LID OF BOX)
ROB: Oh! It's bigger than I expected.
STEVE: Ha! That's what she said!
ROB: Who? The FROG?
STEVE: No! For f**k's sake! What do you think of the bastard frog?
ROB: Well, there's no need for that language.
STEVE: Sorry. My bad.
ROB: Argh! That's an Americanism.
STEVE: Actually, it's pronounced 'Amphibian', so you've made a fool of yourself there.
ROB: Well, I've got a cat, and he's lurking around here somewhere. Watch this. (shouts) LEO SAYER!
STEVE: Leo Sayer?! Funny name for a cat, innit?
ROB: Well, yes, I suppose Leo Sayer would be a funny name for a cat. But my cat is called Kevin.
STEVE: So what's Leo Sayer got to do with it?
ROB: Um, well, not MUCH! Are you all right, Steve?! Do you need to go to the toilet?
STEVE: Don't patronise me, you jackanapes.
(A CAT SCURRIES UP TO ROB AND SITS BY HIS FEET)
ROB: Hey, it's Kevin! (ROB STROKES THE CAT)
STEVE: Aw, what a sweet cat. Does he like music? I got my frog from Liverpool, so I think he'll probably like The Beatles.
ROB: Probably. I don't know if Kevin likes music, though.
STEVE: Why hasn't he got a tail?
ROB: He's a Manx cat.
STEVE: Oh, then he'll probably like Oasis...
PETTY SHOP BOY
PET SHOP.
CUSTOMER and ASSISTANT.
CUSTOMER Hello, I'd like a pet please.
ASSISTANT Poultry?
CUSTOMER No, I can afford one.
ASSISTANT Ferret?
CUSTOMER No need, I can afford...
ASSISTANT Fish?
CUSTOMER No need, I can...
ASSISTANT Paws?
CUSTOMER I'd rather have it now.
ASSISTANT Cat?
CUSTOMER No, I'm Katy.
ASSISTANT Ant?
CUSTOMER No, just an uncle.
ASSISTANT Bird?
CUSTOMER No, he shaves.
ASSISTANT Frog?
CUSTOMER British, and proud of it.
ASSISTANT Chicken?
CUSTOMER No, brave.
ASSISTANT Pussy?
CUSTOMER No, brave.
ASSISTANT Dog?
CUSTOMER How dare you?
ASSISTANT Mouse?
CUSTOMER That's better.
ASSISTANT Bear?
CUSTOMER We've only just met.
ASSISTANT Horse?
CUSTOMER (clears throat) No, I'm fine.
ASSISTANT Pig?
CUSTOMER Only when I'm hungry.
ASSISTANT Hamster?
CUSTOMER Yes, ham's too good.
ASSISTANT Rabbit?
CUSTOMER OK, I'll shut up.
ASSISTANT Duck?
CUSTOMER Why, what's coming?
ASSISTANT Monkey?
CUSTOMER Oui, c'est ton.
ASSISTANT Mongoose?
CUSTOMER Oui, c'est ton aussi.
ASSISTANT Pidgeon?
CUSTOMER Your French clearly is.
ASSISTANT Iguana?
CUSTOMER Ig wanna do what?
ASSISTANT Turtle?
CUSTOMER Tart'll do what?
ASSISTANT Tortoise?
CUSTOMER Tart is what?
ASSISTANT Serpent?
CUSTOMER Sir who?
ASSISTANT Llama?
CUSTOMER I'm not religious.
ASSISTANT Oh, cluck this. (leaves)
CUSTOMER What a tit.
GLOSSOP:Good afternoon, we're from Animal Control Ltd.
HISSOP:Hello, are you the animal control people?
GLOSSOP:Erm...yes.
HISSOP:Excellent, excellent, in you come. We have quite the problem here.
GLOSSOP:No problem.
HISSOP:No, a definite problem. Didn't I just say? Now, come this way.
GLOSSOP:And where are the offending creatures?
HISSOP:Well, everywhere. But let's start in the kitchen. Look, it's these damned cockroaches.
GLOSSOP: Oh. That's quite unusual.
HISSOP:Well, that's of no interest to me, just do your job. I'll watch an episode of Rosemary & Thyme, then come back to see how you're getting on.
SFX:TIME PASSING SOUND
HISSOP:Hmmm, that was quite the eye-opener: the verger turned out to be a murderer, and the succulents thrived despite the vicarage's loamy soil. So, how are you getting - oh my God, they're everywhere!
GLOSSOP:Yes indeed. I taught them the "heel" command.
HISSOP:What does that mean?
GLOSSOP: Just shout, and you'll be surrounded by cockroaches.
HISSOP:That is literally the opposite of what I want!
GLOSSOP:You'd rather whisper? They do have good hearing, so...
HISSOP:No, I want you to kill them. What sort of pest control company are you?
GLOSSOP:We're actually a *pets* control company. Perhaps you didn't read the flyer very well.
HISSOP: So what do you do if it's not exterminate vermin?
GLOSSOP:Train pets. You know, basic obedience: heel; roll over; don't shit in the toaster. It was actually quite a challenge to do your cockroaches, we normally train one or two mammals, not about 2000 arthropods, and we're normally given longer than 45 minutes. But luckily I'm very good at my job.
HISSOP:And what am I supposed to do with a house full of cockroaches that come on command?
GLOSSOP: Start an army?
HISSOP:Will you teach them to fight?
GLOSSOP:No.
HISSOP:Then it's useless. And you can't just kill them?
GLOSSOP:That's directly against the pets control code of ethics. But I could teach them to play dead.
HISSOP:I don't want them to do tricks.
GLOSSOP:Yes, but I could teach them to play dead for approximately 30 years. Did I mention that I'm *very* good at my job?
HISSOP: What a load of rot! I'm not paying for that!
GLOSSOP: Pay us our bill and we'll give you this piece of raw liver.
HISSOP: Actually, that does sound good.
GLOSSOP: [AS YOU'D TALK TO A DOG] Good boy! Thassa good boy, good boy!
LOCAL HALL. Evening.
Colm:
Welcome back to our weekly lecture on pets. What week are we up to now?
Jim(in crowd):
Week one.
Colm:
Already? So this week we're going to talk about an animal known as a dog. Now some of you might even have heard of them. They're smaller than humans, except for the Irish wolfhound and the Great Dane when they stand on all twos. Generally Northern Europe dogs have height to them, except the Scottish terrier which is a bit of a squirt.
So what does anyone know about dogs? Anyone? Dogs? Do-gs?
Ned:
Um, they're sheep?
Colm:
I like it. You couldn't be more wrong but you answered and I like that.
Voice:
Owls!
Colm:
Who said that?
Jim raises his hand.
Jim:
N-not me.
Colm:
Getting involved though, good on you.
Voice:
Towels.
Jim:
Dogs!
Colm:
Yes. That's what we're talking about. We might have a bit of a surprise for you later.
Cut to boarder collie waiting behind a curtain.
Colm:
Anyone know anything else other than what they're called?
Nancy:
Frogs!
Colm:
Hmm, yes, frogs sound like dogs but that's where the similarity ends I'm afraid.
Frank:
Growls.
Lim:
Sorry, what's this.
Frank:
Growls.
Colm:
C-correct. Also a word.
Frank:
A dog growls.
Colm:
Yes! Yes it does. Excellent. The first semblance of a-anything there.
Frank:
And it rhymes with towels and owls so I did a double thing.
Colm:
Great. Now does anyone know any dog breeds?
Jim raises his hand eagerly.
Jim:
Uh, uh, no.
Colm:
Jesus Christ almighty. *Sighs heavily* a-anyone else?
Ned:
Balsas screech owl.
Colm:
Dogs! We're talking about dogs. Red setter, beagle, Labrador, golden retriever, jack russell.
Jim:
I thought we were just talking about dogs. Now we're talking about loads of things. We've no faith in you whatsoever!
Colm:
You've no faith in me!?! Christ almighty! You're a bunch of utter morons. Most of you haven't even heard of dogs, let alone describe them. You're mentioning towels for Christs sake!
Jim:
I thought we weren't doing towels?
Colm:
We're not! It's dogs!
Jim:
But you just said towels? I suppose we're not doing owls either?
Colm:
No! It's dogs we're doing! Baster'n stupid f**king arseing shitting pricking dogs!!
Close up of border collie behind the curtain with tears welling up in his eyes.
END.
Some good 'uns there, I enjoyed Otterfox's rather bizarre lecture and the quick paced puns of Michael Monkhouse.
But after some consideration, I'll vote for gappy and the clever 'pest/pets control' idea.
Tighter than my mother... Otterfox though.
Fun week all round, so well done all, but it has to be the Otter this time, non-stop insanity.
I enjoyed them all this week but A Plate gets it for this line alone: 'Are you alright Steve? Do you need to go to the toilet?' Which made me laugh out loud.