F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Aplate for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank please. Meanwhilst...
Aplate - 2
Gappy, Alfred - 1
Next natterjerk: Work (for the holidays)
Leg closed: 14.8.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 2 Aplate
2 1 Gappy, Alfred
JOBS FOR THE BOYS.
OFFICE.
SECRETARY and APPLICANT.
SECRETARY Good morning, Mr Applicant.
APPLICANT Good afternoon, Mr Secretary. Interesting parents we must've had.
SECRETARY Shut it. Now tonight you're applying for the job of camp instructor.
APPLICANT (giggles)
SECRETARY Shut it please. Now the first requirement: You can speak French and English, right?
APPLICANT Well, that's half-true.
SECRETARY You can speak French?
APPLICANT No, the other one.
SECRETARY So you can't speak French?
APPLICANT Si! I mean - well - sort of - y'know, no.
SECRETARY Great. Now, you also need ten years' experience in the field.
APPLICANT (giggles)
SECRETARY Shut it... So, ten years?
APPLICANT Si - I mean, half that thing.
SECRETARY Five years?
APPLICANT No, I meant the second half of ten.
SECRETARY (writing) Bugger all. Fab... Now, all our employees need a university degree...
APPLICANT Oh that is so unfair! Just cos I don't have a formal, academic or indeed any...
SECRETARY Shut it... So no degree?
APPLICANT Not in that sense.
SECRETARY But you have A-levels?
APPLICANT What's A-levels?
SECRETARY GCSEs?
APPLICANT How does you spell that?
SECRETARY Do you have any qualifications?
APPLICANT I did the 11 pus.
SECRETARY Did you pass that?
APPLICANT Well it's more the taking part, isn't it?
SECRETARY Any qualifications - please?
APPLICANT Best drawing of a bumble bee on holiday when I was five. I've still got it on my wall. It looks really nice.
SECRETARY Yes... Well I'm sorry Mr Applicant, but you don't fulfil a single requirement. I can't possibly offer you the position.
APPLICANT Yeah, I know why it is. It's because I'm gay, isn't it? Homophobe! (storms out)
[NOEL COWARD VOICES THROUGHOUT]
MAN:Good evening.
WOMAN:Goodness, look at what the feline has deposited. I've not seen you in some time - don't tell me you were shunning Belgravia.
MAN:That I was. I have little bolthole down in Suffolk.
WOMAN:Relatively flat, Suffolk.
MAN:Yes, comparatively flat.
WOMAN:Not extraordinarily flat, but above average flatness all the same.
MAN:Quite.
WOMAN:If one were to take a topographical survey of the nation, Suffolk's flatness would be above the mean, whilst not being at the far end of the bell curve. What I mean to say, about the flatness, is-
MAN:Could we drop the subject?
WOMAN:I do beg your pardon, I get quite carried away sometimes. It's just that I'd so love to see Suffolk's qualified flatness.
MAN: Perhaps you can, my dear. You might accompany me on my next sojourn.
WOMAN:And what sort of place do you have down there? [FAST] Consistency of height above sea-level notwithstanding.
GRAMS:COWARDY MUSIC SWELLS
MAN:Well may you ask, I have a
GRAMS:COWARDY MUSIC BEGINS IN EARNEST
MAN:[SINGING] Pig farm
Why don't you join me on my pig farm
You know it's not a very big farm
But it is just the place for you and me
To learn animal husbandry
Pig farm
That strong aroma has a big charm
You can live a life of big calm
Should your life become too raucous
Join me slopping out the porkers
And I'm giving you fair notice
There is no toxoplasmosis
On the pig farm.
You're mine
You'll find my pig farm by the door sign,
I must admit it is a poor sign
But that door sign daub is leading
To a world of porcine breeding
And the height of piggy pleasure
In a life of rural leisure
Even hedgers place their wagers on the swine
There's not a lotta cotters worry
As they potter round the slurry
With those trotters trotting round them all the time.
You're shy
But come and join me in the pig sty
We'll be there underneath the big sky
You feel as smart as all of MENSA
Rearing bacon in potentia,
Have the sense to join my pig farm today!
WOMAN:[ALSO SINGING] Mister!
I yearn for that bucolic vista
I don't care even if I blister
MAN:[SINGING] Yes, no more sleeping with sister!
WOMAN: Pardon me?
MAN: [SINGING] I only kissed her!
All the same you might make forays
Into different rustic mores
We could hit the hay in more ways than one
My pig farm is quite a lot of fun!
GRAMS:ENDS
WOMAN:Thanks awfully, but if it's all the same to you, I won't take you up on your offer, it sounds like beastly hard work.
MAN:Yes, it is a bit. But, have you ever visited the Rhondda valley?
WOMAN:No.
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC SWELLS
MAN: Oh, you'll love it.
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC BEGINS IN EARNEST
MAN:[SINGING} Coal mine
What say you labour in my coal mine?
You will be loving it the whole time
Don't you know you'd have a big night
Twelve hours chipping at the lignite
GRAMS:ENDS
WOMAN:Erm, no it still sounds kind of tiring.
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC SWELLS
MAN:Then I have just the thing...
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC BEGINS IN EARNEST
MAN:[SINGING] Sweat shop
Come make some trainers in my sweat shop
You will find it so bewitching
Doing Adidas's stitching
SFX:RECORD SCRATCHING
GRAMS:ENDS
WOMAN:Nope.
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC SWELLS
MAN:Then I have saved the best for last...
GRAMS: SAME COWARDY MUSIC BEGINS IN EARNEST
MAN:[SINGING] Strip club
SFX:RECORD SCRATCHING
GRAMS:ENDS
WOMAN: Ooh, now that does sound tempting.
MAN:Hmmm, but I'm not sure you're quite right for it.
WOMAN:Why not?
MAN:Well, you're...
WOMAN:What?
MAN:Very flat!
THE HARD SELL
(A MIDDLE AGED BOSS AND A YOUNG EMPLOYEE ARE SAT OPPOSITE EACH OTHER IN AN OFFICE)
BOSS: Well, this must be a record. It's the third time you've been late this week. And it's only Monday morning.
EMPLOYEE: Yeah, sorry about that. Bloody train.
BOSS: Late, was it?
EMPLOYEE: I don't know. I drove here.
BOSS: (sighs) Look, being late every so often is fine. But you're making a habit of it.
EMPLOYEE: Habit?! What?! I didn't know we sold clothes for nuns!
BOSS: And you haven't been hitting your targets!
EMPLOYEE: Targets?! What?! I didn't know we sold archery paraphernalia!
BOSS: Enough! Now, let's focus on the day in hand. There's a new company slogan, to encourage workers to maintain a positive mindset.
EMPLOYEE: What's the slogan?
BOSS: 'A happy bunny makes more money'.
EMPLOYEE: Happy bunny?! Sounds more like some sort of sex toy! Tell me I'm wrong!
BOSS: Oh, forget it. I'm just trying to make my staff more upbeat and perky.
EMPLOYEE: Well, that happens to lots of blokes your age.
BOSS: I mean, I'm trying to make you and your colleagues be happy, smile more, and then the customers will pick up on your positivity, and you'll make more sales. And what do sales make?
EMPLOYEE: Prizes!
BOSS: No, commission.
EMPLOYEE: Sounds more like some sort of Kylie Minogue song! Tell me I'm wrong!
BOSS: I mean, if you make a sale, you get a percentage of that sale on top of your wages. Don't you want to make a bit of extra money?
EMPLOYEE: Well, I'm doing all right for money. That's why I keep being late. Every day, after I walk out of the car park, some bloke gives me some cash.
BOSS: What bloke?
EMPLOYEE: Well, I just say hello to some fella with sunglasses, and he holds a tin of coins up to me. Very generous.
BOSS: Oh! But don't you realise that he's...
EMPLOYEE: I mean, it's only a few quid usually, but it's more than I make here, selling lamps.
BOSS: We don't sell lamps! We sell clothes for nuns, and archery paraphernalia.
LUCY: Mummy!
MUM: How did your first day at school go?
LUCY: I had a great time. There was this girl called Amelia and she had great bag that had Ana and Elsa and Olaf on and the same coat as me.
MUM: That's nice. I said you would make friends. What things do you do?
LUCY: We did painting and sat for the sem-belly, and then ate snack under a tree. I think I'll go again tomorrow.
MUM: Apart from all the holidays it's every weekday for 10 years.
LUCY: 10 is bigger than 6 so that's a long time. Then what happens?
MUM: You get a job and work.
LUCY: And will there be friends and paint and dressing up there?
MUM: No. You'll sit in a windowless soulless office at a desk staring at a screen wishing the ceiling would collapse to break the monotony and a sharp bit of metal would hit you just so you could feel something.
LUCY: And are there friends there?
MUM: No. Just people who either hate you and annoy you with endless requests and additional jobs, or people who hate you who have disgusting personal habits: Like Kevin who plays with his balls at the photo copier, or Claire with her sardines and ending every statement with a rising inflection so you're never sure if she's asking a question or not.
LUCY: But but but the big people there can make everything better, can't they?
MUM: The management? Ha! They're only there because they've impressed the even more clueless managers above them, or like Helen, gave the right people a blowy at the office party. They're a constant obstruction, then when we overcome all their bullshit, they take the credit.
LUCY: Is that for 10 years too?
MUM: Nope. You do that for 45 years.
LUCY: Then what happens?
MUM: They give you clock and a cake, then you watch Countdown until you die.
LUCY: Is that why they call it countdown?
MUM: Don't try to be smart. It never works.
LUCY: C c can I go back to nursery now?
Michael Monkhouse gets my vote this time - the lines about qualifications were especially funny.
Aplate this wank. (Don't take that sentence out of context.)
I liked Tiggy's relentless pessimism, but Michael gets my vote this week, for the little micro-gags (GCSE? How do you spell that? 
)
Gappy, mostly for the rhymes. "Notice" and "toxoplasmosis" is always a winner for me.