F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for winking. I'll PM me with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke. Meanwhilst...
Me - 2
Gappy, Alfred - 1
Next natterjerk: TV Drama (chewed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 19.7.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 10 Gappy
2 5 Me
3 4 Otterfox
4 1 Teddy, Alfred
GRAMS:BRIEF VINTAGE SYNTH TENSION MOTIF
V/O:Curioser & Curioser, episode 1
SAM:I'll just place the cowboy hat here...carefully...
SFX:BOING!
SAM + BOB: Buckaroo!!
SAM: You win, Bob. Hey, let's never stop playing Buckaroo and being friends.
BOB: Agreed. That certainly was a great game of Buckaroo, Sam. Pity Seth wasn't here to see it, I wonder where he is.
SAM: Well, you know Seth, he's probably at home, doing his interesting family back-story.
BOB: Oh yes. That is the main thing that makes him different from the two of us - let's hope it never drives us apart for a brief period.
SETH: Hey, you guys!
SAM: Alright, Seth, how's the back-story?
SETH: I wasn't even doing that today! You guys, you gotta listen: I saw a monster!
BOB: I believe you. Where was it?
SETH: Just near the vast mysterious corporation dwarfing this very small town.
SAM: OK, I believe that too. What shall we do? I vote we take it on ourselves.
SETH: Seconded!
BOB: Well, as the most pragmatic of the friendship trio, in a way that might just drive us apart for a brief period, I say we go to the police.
SAM: Alright, let's grudgingly agree to go the police, seeding later conflict.
SETH: Although, if they don't believe us immediately, we'll take it on ourselves, using the pieces from the game Mousetrap, right?
SAM + BOB: Right!
GRAMS: SEQUENCED SYNTH STING
V/O:Curioser & Curioser, episode 2
SGT: Well, hello there, boys. What seems to be the matter? Why not tell me all at once?
[NEXT THREE LINES SIMULTANEOUS, BUT SO SAM'S SLIGHTLY OUTLASTS THE OTHERS]
SETH:I saw a big monster!
BOB:There's a monster about!
SAM:The whole town is in terrible danger, like the protagonist in the arcade game Galaxians or its recent sequel Galaga.
SGT:Monsters, boys? Nobody believes in monsters in this day and age, in the year 1982 or thereabouts.
CONSTABLE:Leave this to me, sergeant - they're children, I can communicate with them in terms of Buckaroo.
SGT:Fine, I'll go and do some manual typing, or maybe be impressed by a fax machine.
CONSTABLE: So, you lads look as though things have gone awry, as if you'd tried to put the dynamite and the frying pan on the same part of the saddle.
BOB:That's right!
CONSTABLE:I see. And where was the monster you saw?
SETH:At the vast mysterious organisation.
CONSTABLE:Interesting. I'm going to help you boys, I've always wondered about that place. We know nothing about it, despite it being by far the largest employer in this area. I'll take you to investigate, with the full power of the police force. Just let me nip to the toilet first, I'll see you here in 5 minutes.
BOB:Five minutes?!
SAM:I knew he wouldn't take us seriously. Let's go and take on this power of which we know literally nothing without preparation!
BOB:We're going to have to be as stealthy as someone playing Hasbro's Operation!
SAM:But as swift as someone playing Perfection from Action GT!
SETH:In which case, we'll go by bike. Let's get our Raleigh Burners, and Grifters, and Choppers!
SAM:And Tomahawks.
BOB:The Tomahawk being, just to specify, a budget version of the Chopper, which is possibly less well known.
SETH:But still quite common in this era.
BOB+SAM+SETH: Buckaroo!
SGT:[PAUSE] Hello, mysterious contact? It's the sergeant. Some boys have seen the monster, let's not let them discover the shadowy conspiracy. [BEAT] No, I don't know which way they went. [BEAT] I can't go and look, because you can't walk around with telephones yet. OK, bye.
GRAMS:BRIEF VINTAGE SYNTH TENSION MOTIF
V/O:Curioser & Curioser, episode 3
BOB:I can't believe it's 6 months since we beat that monster.
SAM:Really? You look about 5 years older.
BOB: Ssshh!
MADGE:How did you beat the monster, anyway?
SETH: Oh, yes, I forgot that you were a new character in our group. Well, it was sort of metaphysical, but we mostly beat it with love.
BOB:And guns.
SAM:Loads of guns.
MADGE:And did anything mysterious happen to you that might imply the monster wasn't entirely dead?
SETH:No! No! Of course not! Why does everyone keep asking me that?
SFX:REVERBY MONTAGE OF SCREAMS AND MADONNA'S 'BORDERLINE'
SAM:Are you OK, Seth?
SETH:Yes! Yes! Of course! Why does everyone keep asking me that?
SFX:REVERBY MONTAGE OF SCREAMS AND MADONNA'S 'BORDERLINE'
SAM:Well, let's not dwell on that strange lacuna of consciousness. Shall we play Buckaroo?
SETH:Buckaroo? Nowadays I'm more interested in kissing girls.
SAM:I also enjoy kissing girls.
BOB:I also enjoy kissing girls.
MADGE:I am a girl. But I may enjoy kissing girls, we'll explore that later. No time now, because I'm too busy enjoying these 80s leg warmers.
SAM:And Huey Lewis!
BOB:And Magnum PI!
SETH:And the US invasion of Grenada!
MADGE:And this new novel by Stephen King!
BOB:[UNDER BREAT] Ixnay on the Ingkay.
SAM:Guys, I've got to go, I have to go and meet my mum. Did I tell you she'd gone to work in the mysterious corporation?
BOB:No way! My mum has also gone to work in the mysterious corporation.
MADGE:As has mine!
SETH:My mum hasn't got a job because we're the poor ones.
SAM: Oh, no: here comes my annoying older sister who drives cars and has sex.
TINA:Hey, any of you jerks seen my driving leggings? Or the deely-boppers I have sex in?
SAM:No!
TINA:No problem. Oh, by the way, I thought you dorks might like to know: earlier I saw this kind of monster. Probably nothing. Bye.
MADGE:You know, maybe I would like to try kissing girls...
ALL:[GASP]
GRAMS: SEQUENCED FM SYNTH TONES TO FADE
X FUCTOR
TV STUDIO.
APPLAUSE.
SLIMON COWELL And welcum back to X Fuctor.
APPLAUSE.
SLIMON My name is of cuss Slimon Cowell...
APPLAUSE.
SLIMON With three minions.
SILENCE.
SLIMON The next wantedtobe is stand-up comedian, Ted Staines. So take it away, Ted!
Enter TED. The entire routine gets silence.
TED Thanks Slime, and I hope you don't take ME away! I'm Ted Staines, but call me Ted Staines, and I'm a comedian... Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!... Take my wife. Go on, take her, someone, please just take HER away!... What do you get if you cross a sheep and an elephant? A wooooolly jummmpeeerrr!... Is it just me, or every time you went to the laundrette, you'd come out with one sock missing? I mean, what's that all about? You always come out of the laundrette with one sock missing! I mean, what's that about? Is there, like, a sock monster? Is that it? Like Cookie Monster, but he doesn't eat cookies: he eats socks? Is that it? And why does he just eat one sock? Why doesn't he eat more than one? What's that about? And why does he only eat socks? Why doesn't he eat your shirt or your tie? Why doesn't he eat your underpants? Is it because they're covered in pooh and weewee and spunk? Or like, does someone just steal the sock? Is that it? Does he, like, steal one sock and come home and say, 'Look darling!' And she goes, 'Oh no, not another sock!' Is that it? And why does he just steal socks? Why doesn't he steal your shirt or your tie? Why doesn't he steal your underpants? Is it because they're covered in pooh and weewee and spunk? Is that it? Or is there, like, a place where your sock goes? Like a playground, but a sockground? Is that it?... Well that's it from me! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!... Take my wife. Go on, take her, someone, please just take HER away!... What do you get if you cross a sheep and an elephant? A wooooolly jummmpeeerrr!..
PAUSE.
SLIMON Ted, that was the worst act I have ever seen in my life. You're not through to the next round.
TED Yeah, and I know why that is. It's because I'm gay, isn't it? Homophobes.
Well given that Gappy and I are voting for each other, does anyone want to c**tribute a vote?
For the record, I vote Michael, of course.
Come on, everyone, enter next week's comp, just to repay Mikey's efforts in running it, if nothing else.
I did mean to get something in but the heat must have knocked me out. If the deadline were to be extended for abnormal conditions, I could get it in today. It wasn't very good though so I shouldn't bother. I vote for Michael too so at least there's a clear winner this time. Yes, rollup you wannabe sketch scribblers, I'm sure there's some on here who dream of being the next Cheese & Onion, so show your cheese.
Quote: gappy @ 20th July 2022, 9:27 AMCome on everyone.
Sounds like my mother.
Quote: Alfred J Kipper @ 20th July 2022, 9:43 AMshow your cheese.
Took a selfie masturbating. Cheese!
Yeah, when this came back, we had another boom, but sadly it's slowing down again. I'll leave it open a bit longer next wank.
I really like this new character and how every time he f**ks up he blames homophobia. The idea came from a Skin interview, when she argued that Grace Jones is as important as The Beatles and The Stones, but no one says that cos they're 'racist and sexist'. No love, no one says it cos it's bollocks. There IS a lot of racism and sexism around, but it annoys me when people use that as the reason for anything negative. Like when Little Mix said, 'No one takes us seriously cos there's too much misogyny in the biz.' Nope, it's cos your music is total and utter f**king shit. This is the band who said they wanted to be the new Spice Girls - that's it, set your sights high. 'One day I wanna sing like Posh!!!!!!!!' Pop back when you've made the next Dark Side Of The Moon.