F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with your subject for next wank, pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
Teddy - 1
Next natterjerk: Phone Call (chewed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 6.7.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 9 Gappy
2 4 Otterfox
3 3 Me
4 1 Teddy
A FRIEND'S AN END
TED and ROD on the phone.
ROD Hey, Ted.
TED Yeah, Rod?
ROD Remember that time you got your head kicked in, yer wallet stolen and yer phone rammed where there is no solar power?
TED I have a vague recollection.
ROD I know who did it.
TED Really! Who?
ROD Me.
TED Huh? I thought you were my best mate.
ROD I am.
TED So why did you...?
ROD I was bored.
TED Thanks mate.
ROD No worries... And you remember all those false rumours you were bonking the boss's wife, so you lost your job and failed to support your family so your wife left you, your kid got sent to social services and you tried to commit suicide and spent the next three months in intensive care tryna slash yer wrists with a plastic knife?
TED Now you come to mention it...
ROD That was little ole me too. (laughs) Funny whatcha do when you're bored, innit?
TED Not really... Anything else?
ROD Use yer brain cell.
TED My house got broken into?
ROD Yup, me.
TED My dog got run over.
ROD Yours truly.
TED My parents got mugged.
ROD Oui indeedement, if you'll pardon my French.
TED Right... I don't know what I'm gonna do, but in the meantime, just - I don't want you to ever talk to me again.
ROD Yeah, I know why that is. It's because I'm gay, isn't it? (slams down phone) Bloody homophobes.
Yes
JIM: OK, we're nearly done, your free sample will be winging its way to you soon. Can I ask whether you'd like to sign up to the premium package?
STEVE:No, just the free one for now - that is the deal, yes?
JIM: Of course sir, no obligation at all. I just need your name.
STEVE:It's Stephen.
JIM:Lovely. And your family name, please?
STEVE:King.
JIM: Stephen King?
STEVE:[POLITE CHUCKLE] Yes, quite.
JIM:I love your books. I love them.
STEVE: Yep, I've heard that one before.
JIM:Brilliant they are. I love the scary bits. I love the folksy dialogue bits about kids in the 50s. I love the really really long bits.
STEVE:Just checking, you know I'm not actually that Stephen King?
JIM:I love the rubbish endings. They're brilliant. Hey, I've got an idea for a Stephen King book!
STEVE: Right. But it might be worth saving that.
JIM:No, seriously, it's great. So, at the start, there's this writer from New England.
STEVE:I think that's how most of them go.
JIM:Yeah, he writes scary books, and he's really famous. But, he has actually got quite a common name.
STEVE:I think this is where we came in, because, you see, I'm not actually-
JIM:And there's this other guy, and he's not a famous writer in New England, but he does have the same name.
STEVE:I can certainly empathise with that character. So can we go back to the, err...
JIM:And this other guy, he gets mistaken for the famous guy.
STEVE:Is it getting ironic in here, or is it just me?
JIM:And this guy denies he's the famous guy; but apparently to no effect.
STEVE:It's true to life, I'll give you that.
JIM:But one day, this bloke speaks to the guy, and doesn't believe him when he says he's not the famous guy, and the bloke doesn't like that.
STEVE:Look, I'm not Stephen King the writer. Please stop talking about this.
JIM:And the not-famous guy denies it one more time, and the bloke gets angry. [BEAT, STEELY] Very angry.
STEVE:Erm...
JIM:[ENRAGED] And the bloke says he's fed up with the famous writer messing him about! Not appreciating his fans! He really doesn't like that!
STEVE: Seriously, I think -
JIM:[SHOUTS] Oh, he doesn't like that one bit. But, you see, because of this bloke's job, he knows the guy's address, doesn't he? And because it's been a good while since they started talking, the bloke has arranged for-
SFX:LOUD BANGING ON A FRONT DOOR
JIM: Someone to pay a little visit.
STEVE:What's that?
SFX:LOUD BANGING STARTS AGAIN, & CONTINUES FOR NEXT 14 LINES (NOT CONSTANTLY, INTERMITTENT GROUPS OF HEAVY BANGS)
JIM:[RISING MANIA] Someone who isn't that nice! Someone who specialises in creative retribution for stuck-up writer guys!
STEVE:Look, look, please.
JIM: Someone who knocks! Knocks! KNOCKS! At the door.
STEVE:No, just listen-
JIM:But he won't keep knocking long. No, soon, he'll be smashing that living room window.
STEVE:[WHIMPER]
JIM: Soon, he'll be climbing through that window, face disfigured by animal rage. He'll be climbing in swinging a big croquet mallet.
STEVE:A what??
JIM:Because that's what happens in one of the bastard writer guy's books. But on the film version, it's an axe. So he's got one of them too!!
STEVE: Oh God.
JIM:And he stalks towards the writing f**ker, and he walks up to his little desk, and he raises his weapons and he-
STEVE:[BEGGING] No, no, please, please, please.
JIM:[BRIGHT & CALM] Anyway, that's the idea I had for a book, don't know how it ends. Would you like to sign up for the premium package after all?
STEVE: Yes! Yes!
SFX:BANGING STOPS
JIM:Lovely. OK, we'll take the money within 5 working days. Goodbye, Mr King.
SFX:EMPTY LINE BUZZING
Like a masturbation contest, Gappy beat off some stiff competition.
I vote Michael (if Alfred's post was an entry, it went over my head).
Michael gets my vote this time. Gappy's Stephen King idea was pretty good though. Alfred just said "yes", which is fine, it's my humour, but I can't really vote for one word.
Alfred