F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. PM me with your subject for next wank, pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 3
Me - 2
Otterfox - 1
Next natterjerk: Sweeties (chewed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 24.6.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 7 Gappy
2 4 Otterfox
3 3 Me
LAD: Good afternoon, sir!
SHOPPY: Ah, young Jenkins. How was your first ever morning minding the shop?
LAD: Wonderful, sir. I was so proud you left me in charge of the candy.
SHOPPY: I have told you before, don't use that odious word! This isn't cheap candy, it's finest hand-crafted confectionary. And, furthermore, you have to realise - wait! What on earth has happened to it?
LAD: What has happened to what, sir?
SHOPPY: The candy!
LAD: Confectionary.
SHOPPY: I don't care what you call it! Where is it?
LAD: I crushed it.
SHOPPY: You did what?
LAD: To smithereens. If smithereens is the word I want. Is smithereens the word I want, sir?
SHOPPY: Crushing my confectionary? You have a hell of a lot of explaining to do, my boy.
LAD: My pleasure. I just squeezed the pieces between an ormolu paperweight and a volume of Thackeray's Pendennis.
SHOPPY: No, don't explain how you crushed it! I don't care how you crushed it! I want to know why.
LAD: That's what you do with candy.
SHOPPY: No it isn't!
LAD: No. Fair enough. But it just felt right. Maybe one day, lots of people will do it, so it will seem less odd. Until you stop to think about it, then it will seem odd again
SHOPPY: Never mind one day, boy! What will we do now? You've crushed all my stock.
LAD: Not all of it, sir. I only crushed the candies if there were three or more next to each other.
SHOPPY: That's all of them!
LAD: Coincidentally, yes, sir.
SHOPPY: We store them in big jars. They were all touching each other.
LAD: Yes, they were. It wasn't actually as much of a challenge as I predicted.
SHOPPY: But I'm ruined! What shall I do? You crushed my entire stock.
LAD: Not your entire stock, sir.
SHOPPY: What do you mean?
LAD: Well, there's this big container here. A whole bunch of candy got mixed up at the wholesalers. I was just about to send it back...or put it into rows and crush it, definitely one of the two.
SHOPPY: Don't you dare! Let's just get it into bags and try to sell it. If we act quickly I might just make enough money to build my business up again from the ground. Now jump to it, you imbecilic boy!
LAD: Yes, of course! Right away! I'll bag those candies for you. And, also...
SHOPPY: Yes?
LAD: I'm very sorry, Mr Revel.
A shopkeeper is stood behind the counter of a sweet shop watching a woman who is crying while writing on a postcard.
As she finishes the postcard the shopkeeper indicates to the distraught woman that it's his pen. She returns it to him, and he smiles as he pops it into his shirt pocket as he speaks.
SHOPKEEPER
As I said its now £10 a week to put it in my window. I'm sorry about the price it's just that since this Dog Napping started, I'm inundated
WOMAN
Do you think it will work? I couldn't take it if never saw my Bonzo again
SHOPKEEPER
They can bang on all they want about the internet, but you can't beat a local sweet shop window when it comes to finding your dog.
WOMAN
I do hope so, but there's so many of them in your window, it all seems so hopeless
SHOPKEEPER
As I tell all the others, never give up I've heard of people being reunited with their beloved dog after 12 months had past and they had given up hope
WOMAN
Oh I do hope so
As the sobbing woman leaves the shop the shopkeeper turns the OPEN sign to CLOSED. He then takes down a jar of Aniseed Balls from a shelf weighs a half a pound and bags them. He then goes under the counter and comes back up with a net on a stick. He then grabs his car keys and smiles to himself as he goes out the back door .
DOG GONE HUNGRY
RESTAURANT.
TAMMY and DICK.
DICK Tammy sweetie, how divine of you to invite me to this luxury, two-star McBurger's...
TAMMY Yes yummy-plops, you need cheering up after Rover popped the old cork...
DICK Oh do change the subject, dear. You know I can't stand...
TAMMY Neither could he, after the op...
DICK Please. luvvie...
TAMMY My sincerefullnest apologising... (peruses menu) How about a hot dog? Slush puppie? Or a chow chow - I mean a chew - of German shepherd's pie...
DICK (throws her menu to the floor)
TAMMY Ah call off the dogs, I'll retrieve 'er... (picks up menu)
DICK Let it lie.
TAMMY Like sleeping dogs? Don't get sick as a dog, if this is a dog's dinner I'll dog the waiter for a doggie bag...
WAITER arrives.
DICK Shut it.
TAMMY (to waiter) Don't get dog-gone angry, his bark's worse than his bite up the wrong tree...
WAITER Pure bread? A beagle, I mean bagle? Brussels Griffons, I mean sprouts?
DICK PLEASE...
TAMMY Yerse, he's bord-er that. (To Dick) This ole dog-house is going to the dogs...
WAITER Corgi, I mean courgette? Cavalier, king prawns? Maltese-er?
TAMMY Whipp-et?
WAITER Like a dog with two tails.
TAMMY How about a pointer?
WAITER Pinscher?
TAMMY (pinches herself) No, a pointer. A guide, dog...
WAITER Setter?
TAMMY The table? I hope you did.
WAITER Retriever?
TAMMY We had that joke before.
WAITER Cocker?
DICK I beg your pardon?
WAITER It's the leashed I can do.
TAMMY Husky?
WAITER (husky) It's the leashed I can do.
DICK For Dog's - God's sake, can we just...?
TAMMY Don't terrier yerself up over bull, dog.
WAITER Yes, don't dash, hound...Heel paws fur a moment.
TAMMY Let the dog see the dog-eared rabbit... (looks at menu) 'Kay, nine. We're haven-'ese...
WAITER The dog's bollocks! How'll you eat, dog, eat, dog?
TAMMY Like a glory hound, dogsbody...
(TELEPHONE rings)
WAITER Ah, the dog and bone. I'll go see a dogged man about a dog... (leaves)
TAMMY What a dogs-of-war dog and pony show as it rains cats and dogs that each has its lazy-as-a-dog dog day thrown to the dogs with the hair of the dog that bit its bark up the puppy-dog eyes running with the big dogs, doggedly working like a dog wagging in a manger...
DICK (hits her)
TAMMY You - er, dog...
DICK Stupid bitch.
A private girls school, 1985 in the middle of nowhere.
DEPUTY HEAD:
Well, that's the third girl this week who's reported a man in a car offering her sweeties!
HEAD MISTRESS:
Hmm, this really is a worry. They know it's such a long walk to the village sweet shop for the girls so these perverts take advantage of that. And we can't really help the girls having a sweet tooth.
DEPUTY HEAD:
Well, er, how about we get a mobile sweet shop to stop outside at breaktime? This will stop the need for the girls to walk into the village, while keeping them all together as a safety precaution and deter perverts from offering them sweets.
HEAD MISTRESS:
Yes, that's a brilliant idea of mine! Get onto it right away. We want someone we know we can trust, so be sure to do all the necessary vetting. We don't want one of the passing pervs just to turn up in a van full of sweets.
DEPUTY HEAD: No of course, I'll make sure it's someone who's already highly trusted for visiting girls schools.
HEAD MISTRESS: Okay I'll leave you to it.
DEPUTY HEAD: Okay. Now, who do we know already with a good reputation for their work in girl schools? Hmm, ah, Yes! I wonder if he's available? I'll make some enquiries.
NEXT MONDAY
SFX ------------(very loud from outside) Honk-----------honk!
DEPUTY HEAD: Oh he's here! The girls will be happy to get their sweets in safety and they'll be delighted when they see who it is serving them. We were so lucky to get his services.
HEAD: Wow that's a big horn he's got.
DEPUTY HEAD: Yes, well you know his reputation, doesn't do things by half!
A long queue of girls outside the school look on in amazement at their new mobile sweet shop - a 150 foot long articulated lorry emblazoned with colourful pictures of sweets, with steps up into the open back doors.
A stampede to get in the giant sweet carrier ensues.
SWEET SHOP DRIVER: (through a loudspeaker) Well then, well then, goodness gracious, what have we here? Do I have something for you lot. Ow's about that then, gals? Oooooooowwwwwweeeeoooooooweeeeeeoooooweeeeeooooo.
[extra marks for bad taste gratefully accepted]
Gappy gets my vote. I enjoyed the dynamic between the patient but frustrated shopkeeper and the eccentric young Jenkins, and the punchline was good.
I enjoyed Michael's, I think his "inadvertently mention the taboo subject" method is a great idea for a wordplay sketch, and I usually like reading them.
But, Teddy gets my vote this time: yes, we probably all guessed what was happening, but that's OK because it's short, and the characters really come out: it's sketch form with a drama writer's eye and ear.
Yeah, it's formula, but works if it's executed properly.
Gappy.
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 25th June 2022, 2:56 PMYeah, it's formula, but works if it's executed properly.
Gappy.
It's a cracking formula, and one I don't think I've ever seen before, so props.
Ah, cool. The first one I ever did like that was where the husband was at the restaurant after a hysterectomy, and you can imagine how much fun I had finding food names for the wife to choose.