F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for winking. Include your subject for next wank with your vote, pleased. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 3
Otterfox - 1
Next natterjerk: Communications (chewed by me)
Leg closed: 19.4.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 9 Gappy
2 6 Otterfox
3 4 Me
4 3 Teddy
5 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags
PHONEY
OFFICE.
SECRETARY (on phone) Good afternoon, Dick Staines' theatrical, cinema and Radio Stoke agency, how might I help thee?
MAN (voice) Hello, I...
SECRETARY WHAT did you just say?
MAN I said, Hello...
SECRETARY Are you hitting on me? Is this harasstatations? Molestingness or some kind?
MAN I just said, Hello...
SECRETARY Back off, perv! This is a woman's space you're protruding on, Gary Fiddler. I could report you on the hysterical cow act, Bognor Regis, 30 February 69, page threesome.
MAN Er, hi...
SECRETARY High? You'd like me to be, eh? Go on, Mick Shagger, fill this poor innocent lady's bottom with African Tush, Cofumble Black, Kentf**ky Blue, then you got me just where you want me... How can a girl walk the streets with such depraved, degenerate, debauched dickheads?
MAN Sorry...
SECRETARY Too late now, Jimmy Savile. 'Ooh, officer, I'm sorry I stalked her along Skegness Pier, plied her with One Erection CDs and told her I was Brad Pitt's older twin uncle, won't happen again..
MAN All right... Welcome.
SECRETARY Come! He said come! Watch your mouth, you sexist misogynicals. Betcha holding the phone with your free hand, eh? Police!
MAN Good day?
SECRETARY OMG. If you take the words 'good day', mix the letters up, take some letters away, add some letters, mix the letters up again, add some more letters, and them mix them up and take some more away - it clearly, undeniably, indenegatably spells, 'I am one dirty motherbonker with the scruples of Father Jenkins, the discernment of Tiger Woods and the conscience of Goebbels.' Get off the phone and back into prison, you nasty, filthy, hairy, insanitary willy. (slams down phone)
PHONE RINGS.
MAN'S VOICE This is George Clooney. Hello...
SECRETARY OMG!!!!
MAN'S VOICE Hi - sorry, welcome. And good day.
SECRETARY Oh, you! What're you like? Go on...
BOSS:Right, you schmucks. Yesterday was a total shambles.
1: Sorry, boss.
BOSS: Don't sorry me nothing. The deal was simple: meet Tony Spaghetti at his lock-up, pick up the merchandise, and deliver it to Jackie Tic-Tac. What went wrong?
2:We didn't know who Tony Spaghetti was.
BOSS:What do you mean? You met him a thousand times. Great big mother; slicked back hair; scar on his cheek; missing tooth; surprisingly dainty earlobes.
1: Oh, that Tony.
BOSS:It's a bit late for "that Tony", huh?
2:Maybe it would help if he kept the same name for 4 hours together.
1:Yeah, Peppers is right.
2:I'm called Chilli.
1: Sorry: Chilli Joe is right.
BOSS:Chilli Joe ain't never right! Now, I smoothed it over with Tony, but I gotta do some work to calm down Jackie Cantaloupe.
2:Who's Jackie Cantaloupe?
BOSS:Jackie Cantaloupe is Jackie Tic-Tac! Same guy.
1: Oh, come on! Can't we stop messing with the names?
BOSS:Hey! You know the rule! You wanna be a gangster, you gotta have a gangster name: that's your middle name and the last thing you ate.
2:It's stupid, boss.
1:Like, it's a moronic concept to begin with, but it's really confusing because people eat things all the time.
2:We never know who's who from one meal to the next. Last week you sent me to shoot Johnny Breakfast, and I shot the wrong one.
1:It was half past ten in the morning: there were 16 Johnny Breakfasts on 29th street alone!
BOSS:I don't make the rules, boys! I just follow them. Rigidly. Like gangsters always do with regulations. Why don't you just eat the same thing for every meal, then it's not problem.
2:Like with Stevie Donuts?
BOSS:Exactly like Stevie Donuts. Where is he, anyway?
1:He's dead.
BOSS: Ouch. Did Luigi Bran Flakes finally take him out because of what he said about Arthur Pop Tart, or was it the old trouble with Archie Confit de Canard on a Bed of Colcannon and Crushed Mint with a Cranberry Jus, and Alberto Chewing Gum But By Mistake?
1:No, he had a massive coronary.
BOSS: Oh, yeah, he only ate donuts, right. That is a pity. Let's send a message of condolence to his widow.
2:You mean, Sally Milkman's Cock? Nah, don't think she's that upset, to be honest.
Gappy is very good at this sketch-writing malarkey.
Quote: Yacob Wingnut @ 13th April 2022, 6:52 PMGappy is very good at this sketch-writing malarkey.
That's very kind of you to say...but say it again after 19/4/22 and I get a point 
Joking aside, thanks, Yacob!
Apologies about the formatting.
INT. ANTIQUES SHOP. EVENING.
A MAN IN HIS 60'S (TIMMY) IS LOCKING VARIOUS CABINETS.THERE
IS A HASTY RAPPING AT THE DOOR. THE MAN WHO HAS JUST KNOCKED
ON THE DOOR (DAVID BUSINESS SUIT, 40'S) LOOKS IN WORRIEDLY.
DAVID.
I'm so sorry to bother you. I know
you're closed but could I please
come in?
TIMMY SLOWLY TODDLES OVER TO THE DOOR. HE PEEPS OUT WITH A
RATHER GORMLESS SMILE.
DAVID. (cont'd)
Hello! Yours is the only shop with
the light still on. I got caught
late at work. It's my wedding
anniversary and I need to pick up
something for my wife.
TIMMY CONTINUES TO SMILE GORMLESSLY.
DAVID. (cont'd)
My train leaves in five minutes so
I'm in a terrible rush.
THE SHOPKEEPER CONTINUES TO SMILE.
DAVID. (cont'd)
Can you help me?
TIMMY (SLOWLY):
Yes.
TIMMY SPENDS QUITE SOME TIME OPENING NUMEROUS DIFFERENT
LOCKS. DOOR OPENS AND DAVIDS ENTERS.
DAVID.
Thank you. I promise I won't keep
you long.
DAVID BROWSES AND PICKS OUT AN ANTIQUE NECKLACE.
DAVID. (cont'd)
That looks nice. How much is it?
TIMMY SMILES AT HIM AND AFTER SEVERAL SECONDS, REPLIES.
3.
TIMMY.
I'll...check....
TIMMY TAKES TINY FOOTSTEPS AND VERY SLOWLY TRUDGES TOWARDS
THE COUNTER. DAVID LOOKS ON IN DESPERATION.
DAVID.
Can't you move along any quick-? Nevermind.
TIMMY STOPS AND SLOWLY TURNS TO DAVID.
TIMMY.
Hmm?
DAVID.
No, nothing, don't mind me.
Maybe...maybe I could hold your
hand, help you to get there.
TIMMY STOPS AGAIN AND SMILES.
DAVID. (cont'd)
You know something, it doesn't
matter about the price, I'll take
it.
TIMMY.(SLOWLY)
It...does matter... about the
...price.
You...have...to...pay...for...it.
DAVID.
I know it matters. Now please get
to the till and let me pay.
TIMMY.
I'm...getting...there. That's
where...I'm ....pottering.... to.
TIMMY CONTINUES HIS VERY SLOW MOVEMENT. DAVID LOOKS AROUND
DESPERATELY.
DAVID.
Would it be okay if I perhaps
carried you?
TIMMY SMILES AGAIN.
TIMMY.
You can't... marry... me.
You...have a......wife.
DAVID.
Carry!
TIMMY.
Yes...I have a...lovely
ornamental....box for
the...necklace...here...somewhere.
TIMMY RUMMAGES UNDER THE COUNTER FOR SOME TIME.
DAVID.
Never mind! Forget about the box!
Jesus I've only two minutes. Just
check it out!
TIMMY TYPES ON THE CASH REGISTER FOR THE LONGEST TIME.
TIMMY.
No...didn't go through...one
moment...no...how do you do this
again?
DAVID.
Jesus Christ what's wrong with
you!? Can I just give you the
amount you can put it in the till
later?
TIMMY. (SMILING)
Noooo.
TIMMY TAPS AGAIN.
TIMMY.
Sorry.... wrong amount.
DAVID.
Just press the baster'n buttons!
TIMMY.
I remember now.....the till...shuts
at.... 6.
DAVID GROWS MORE FLUSTERED DESPERATELY LOOKING FOR A
RESOLUTION.
DAVID.
An exchange! Can we swap something?
TIMMY.
Your...shoes.
DAVID.
My shoes? But how am I going to-
fine! My shoes. Here you go.
TIMMY.
And...glasses.
DAVID.
You don't understand. I really
need-.
TIMMY.
Your....glasses.
DAVID.
Fine! Fine! Here you are. Now hand
me the necklace.
DAVID GRABS THE NECKLACE AND RACES FOR THE DOOR BUT RUNS
DIRECTLY INTO IT, TUMBLING BACK ACROSS THE SHOP FLOOR,
UNCONSCIOUS.
TIMMY SLOWLY TODDLES TOWARDS THE DOOR, CASUALLY STEPPING
OVER DAVID IN THE PROCESS. HE LOCKS THE DOOR, TURNS THE SIGN
TO 'CLOSED' AND TRUDGES OFF WITH DAVIDS SHOES TUCKED UNDER
HIS ARM.
END.
WHATS IN A NAME
A phone conversation;
Welcome to 02 my names James how can I help you?
I'd like to cancel my contract!
Do you mind me asking why?
I was misled
In what way?
I thought you were called Zero Two
No, it's an O before the two sir
Well, I was under the assumption that it was it was Zero when I signed the deal.
No its definitely an O sir
If I'd have known that it was an O I would have never put pen to paper!
We will be sorry to lose you sir, but I have to add that I doubt that it's going to be seen as a valid enough reason for a straight cancelation.
It is for me
I'm sorry but you will almost certainly incur charges if you do cancel as you don't really have any grounds.
I'm not paying a penny I was misled there shouldn't be any charge
Let's get the file up shall we? That way we'll know where were working charges wise
Go on then
Can you tell me the number on the account please sir.
Zero Seven Seven Six four eight nine nine two six four eight one six
And you would be Mr O'Rourke?
It's Mr Zero Rourke actually
Teddy sneaks in before the bell, and gets my point (I mean, p0int).
Its sounds like a back scratching exercise but I'll go with Gappy based on the name Tony Spaghetti.
Another Otterf**ks wank.
I used to work for O2 and Teddy's sketch isn't too far from reality. Lovely sketch too. Mikey Monkhouse had a good take on the super woke with more than a grain of truth to it and some great exchanges too. But it's Gappy for me this time. Fun to read with laughs throughout.