A little article I wrote for a different site but wasn't used.
It's surely everybody's worst nightmare. You're out in the wilds when you come face to furry face with a bear. Adrenaline courses through your body, your heart rate rockets sky high, your mouth goes dry and you can't think what to say. So we've compiled a handy list of insults for you to use when the situation inevitably arises.
1. 'Your Ma's a Koala!'
The hierarchy of bears goes from Polar Bears at the top, to Grizzly Bears, then Black Bears, Pandas, followed lastly by Koala Bears. Calling any bear a lesser bear is an insult but we recommend that in an emergency you go straight to a Koala as kwickly as possible.
2. 'You can't even drive!'
The Koala is the only one that would fit in a regular car, and they have no chance of reaching the pedals. The larger bears could in a convertible, but they're unlikely to be able to pass the hazard perception element of the driving test, or answer enough questions on the Highway Code due to it being written in Human.
For Polar Bears:
4. 'I can see you! Call that camouflage?!'
5. 'Go back to your tundra for a last look before it melts!'
Obviously that wouldn't work if you were in the tundra, but it's fine in the Home Counties.
For Panda Bears:
6. '你甚至知道如何做爱吗?'
Which translates as 'do you even know how to have sex?'
7. 'Can't afford colour?'
For Grizzlies and Black Bears:
8. 'Oh look! It's a teddy!'
9. 'Your friends don't hibernate! They're just avoiding you!'
For Koalas: Not even worth insulting. Just ignore them, even if armed. You'll just get an STD.
Please remember however, these insults should only be used as a last resort as overuse will see their effectiveness reduced. Next week we will be giving you tips of how to use sarcasm against lions, tigers, and leopards, as well as rude signs for birds of prey, and how to moon sharks.