A greasy spoon café in Liverpool with décor from the late 70's including a picture of Ken Dodd and a Bruce Lee poster with dog eared corners.
Doug the owner is stood behind the counter as a man slams down a half-eaten mucky looking breakfast.
MAN
I couldn't finish that!
DOUG
I'll have to lower the portions
MAN
I mean it's inedible
DOUG
Thanks, I don't get many compliments
The man storms out Doug sits down at a table where three other men are playing cards
DOUG
Deal me in
MATE 1
Its five pence a point
MATE 2
And the loser has to eat one of your breakfasts
A man then comes into the café and stands over the men as he talks.
TAXI TOMMY
Doug you've fell on your feet here mate, guess who I'm driving?
DOUG
Miss Daisy?
TAXI TOMMY
Jay Rayner
MATE 1
I know him, he's the food critic out the Guardian? The one who looks like one of the Three Musketeers?
MATE 2
Which one, D'Artagnan?
MATE 3
D'Artagnan wasn't one of three, they didn't take him till later
MATE 1
I saw one where he was their captain
MATE 2
That was the Man in the Iron Mask
MATE 1
It was still top heavy with musketeers!
MATE 3
They made loads of them, they even had them in the C**t from Monte Cristo
MATE 2
Did they f**k that was Napoleonic, they were well gone by then!
TAXI TOMMY
For f**ks sake will you lot listen I haven't got long. I've left him at the Tate. I've got to pick him up in an hour to take him to the Cavern and all that crap
DOUG
Go on then how have I fell on me feet?
TAXI TOMMY
Because he has booked me for two days and tomorrow, he wants me to pick him up at 7am and take him to a local café to sample a full English. This is your big chance lad! I'll bring him here and crack on that I don't know you
MATE 1
What's the plan? Doug poisons him and you get paid off by a rival critic?
MATE 2
I bet it's that Huge Firmely whats it shit,
MATE 3
It might be that one who did all the suppers on the telly
MATE 1
F**k that you mean Nigel Slater! What a load of shite he came up with! Supper my arse, how are you supposed to get a f**king wink of sleep after you've shelled the best part of thirty quid for what looked like cheese on f**king toast
MATE 1
Cheese gives you nightmare that's been proven by scient.....
TAXI TOMMY
interjects
Do you lot mind....
TAXI TOMMY
I've got to go! Are you up for this or what? If you're not, say so now and I'll do the deal with Fat Eddy
DOUG
Waste of time taking him to Fat Eddy, he 'll be none the wiser about the local cuisine. That greedy bastard robs half the stuff off every breakfast that he cooks, how do you think he got so f**king fat?
TAXI TOMMY
Are you up for it or what?
DOUG
And what do you get?
TAXI TOMMY
Two hundred quid if he does a good review
DOUG
So do you give me two hundred if he slates the place?
TAXI TOMMY
He won't, you can pull this off Doug. One good review in the Guardian can fill this place up for months and you can put your prices up. It's well worth a punt
The three mates at the table start heckling Doug but he pretends to ignore them.
MATE 1
The Guardian can't even spell, you'll end up getting called Zoug
MATE 2
They're trendy as well, so you'll probably have to start selling avocados and taking Bitcoins
MATE 3
He's been taking them for years! He bites every f**king coin he gets in case it's a phoney
DOUG
Go on then I'll have a go!
TAXI TOMMY EXITS
Doug addresses his mates around the table
DOUG
Right you three, you'd better start earning your keep
MATE 1
I could Pollyfilla the hole in the toilet door and give it a lick of paint that would be a start
MATE 2
If he gets one whiff of gloss paint, he'll know the dance right away
MATE 3
We could give it a back story, they love all that the Guardian.
DOUG
Just out of interest how the f**k do you give a bog door a back story?
MATE 3
It's a doddle I just piss over a piece of A4 paper, dry it with a hair dryer. Then I use my old typewriter, the ribbons near bone dry so the writing looks dead old and so will the paper. Then I'll type on it something like 'The hole in this door was made in 1975 by John Lennon who was arguing with George Harrison at the time'
MATE 1
They're both dead, so it's not like anyone can call you a liar
DOUG
And this piece of paper is still there after all these years then is it?
MATE 3
I've got a load of old plastic paper sleeves in my shed I keep for stuff like this. I just suck it up through the hoover pipe few times get it all dusty in the cylinder and it crinkles up great and looks even older
MATE 2
F**king hell lad how far into this lark are you?
MATE 1
He's worse than f**king Lovejoy
MATE 3
I've done loads of times. You know that big hole in the plaster behind the bar in the Stags Head?
DOUG
The one that Freddy Starr rammed his head into on purpose ......
MATE 3 beams with pride
DOUG
You sly bastard,
MAN 1
For f**ks sake I've had a selfie by that
MATE 2
Well, we've all read the story next to it and swallowed it, so we know it works!
DOUG
So that the bog door sorted what else can we do?
MATE 1
I know loads about eggs, I watched a documentary about an egg farm three times last week.
MATE 2
Why do you do that?
MATE1
It was one of those from the late 70s that they use to show in school. I couldn't think of the fella's name, he had blonde hair and a wonky eye. I had to watch it again and again because they put an advert for the next show over the credits so I couldn't see his name it was burning my head out!
MATE 2
It'll have been Brian Cant, He did loads of them as well as kids telly
MATE 1
You're right, Brian f**king Cant. Thanks god for that it was burning my head out
DOUG
And how does knowing about eggs help me?
MATE 1
I can pretend I'm your supplier! I'll say that I've got hens all over the gaff locally. You know in peoples back gardens and all that. I'll tell him we're called 'Urban Eggs' and we're a co -op of locals providing food with no carbon footprint. We can say that every egg you cook has never travelled more the 750 yards. He'll f**king lap that up!
DOUG
And just how do we explain why you have two black eyes? Do we mention that you had an argument in the bookies yesterday? Or will you tell him that you fell over a hen?
MATE1
I'll just throw sunglasses on and pretend I'm blind
DOUG
And what if he gets over excited and asks to see one of your 'Urban Egg Farms'?
MATE 1
I'll just say that I'd love to, but my dogs in the vets getting its paws looked and I can't go anywhere till they drop it off
DOUG
Drop it off? It's a vet's not a garage
MATE 1
Don't f**king kid yourself lad, those blind dogs get better cover than someone in the AA. They cost about ten grand just to train, so they really look after them. Its not one of those Micky Mouse support animals that people are using these days
MATE 2
Don't knock them! A lad I work with was dead shy and he had a stammer and everything and believe or not he had a mouse for two weeks and while he had it, he was the life and soul of the office
MATE 1
What happened did it f**k off on him?
MATE 2
No someone brought in a 'Support Cat' to help their tinnitus and that got it
MATE 1
A support cat?
MATE 2
Yeah, they reckoned that the purring cancelled the noise out.
DOUG
Can we get back to Jay f**king Rayner please!
MATE 2
I'll put my Hi Viz on and walk in while he's there. I'll order 12 cups of tea and say that there for the girls on the picket line and you can say they're on the house. He'll well have that; they all think we go on strike everyday anyway
DOUG
And as I already know that he'll be ordering a breakfast I can get Taxi Tommy to text me when he's setting off and have the best breakfast that I've ever made ready for him I'll get the Sausage and bacon from Marks and Sparks this afternoon. So come on let's get busy
FOUR DAYS LATER
Doug is behind the counter beaming as he reads the Guardian
Taxi Tommy enters and he is also beaming
TAXI TOMMY
What did I tell you, half a f**king page, unheard of, the f**king Ritz couldn't get that!
DOUG
Did you read it all? 'Vibrant' 'Colourful' 'Community Spirited 'Carbon Free' 'Awash with local history' the f**king lot! And he said it was one of his top ten breakfasts of all time and recommended us to anyone who wants to see the real Liverpool. The phones been ringing off the wall, people from all over the place trying to make bookings
TAXI TOMMY
So can I have my dough then mate?
Doug happily pays up
DOUG
Let me know if you get anyone else famous you never know we could do some business
TAXI TOMMY
I already know it's Jimmy Mulville, I pick him up next Friday
DOUG
How do you keep getting all the stars?
TAXI TOMMY
My niece works as the bookings manager
DOUG
You're lucky I had an aunty who worked for the environmental health, and she tried to shut me down twice.
DOUG CLICKS HIS FINGERS EURKA STYLE
DOUG
Wait a a minute he's a mad blue nose! We could try and sell him that ball that laces up from the 30's. They reckon Dixie Dean scored a hat trick with that. And as he made all his money from a Hat Trick it sells its f**king self!
TAXI TOMMY
No chance lad I've seen the ball and heard you tell the story a few times, its good but he's no mug he'd want paperwork and everything
DOUG
I've got all that to go with it
TAXI TOMMY
You have?
DOUG
Well I will have by the time he gets here
TAXI TOMMY
Well then, I'll see you next week don't forget I get twenty percent of any saIe
DOUG
You're on
TAXI TOMMY EXITS
End
