F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to me for winking. I'll PM myself with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke! The PM system is down. Meanwhilst...
Me - 2
Otterfox - 1
Next natterjerk: Performance (chewed by me)
Leg closed: 7.4.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Gappy
2 5 Otterfox
3 4 Me
4 3 Teddy
5 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags
PANTOMIME HOARSE
TWIDOW Good evening ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and you. My name is Twidow Wanky and I'm here to crush the panto tradition.
AUDIENCE Awwwwwwww!
TWIDOW The panto is to theatre what Putin is to the Ukraine...
AUDIENCE Hisssssss!
TWIDOW It has no relevance...
AUDIENCE Booooo!
TWIDOW It's beyond outdated...
AUDIENCE Oh no it isn't!
TWIDOW Oh yes it is!
AUDIENCE Oh no it isn't!
TWIDOW Oh yes it is!
AUDIENCE Oh yes it is!
TWIDOW Oh no it - bugger.
AUDIENCE Hurrah!
TWIDOW If I give you some candy, will you stop?
AUDIENCE Yeeeesss!
TWIDOW I can't hear you!
AUDIENCE Yeeeessssss!
TWIDOW Shout louder!
AUDIENCE YYEEEESSSS!
TWIDOW Must be a lad in. But where?
AUDIENCE Behind you!
TWIDOW (turns round)
AUDIENCE In front of you!
TWIDOW Where?
AUDIENCE Oooovveerr theeerrre!
TWIDOW (goes right)
AUDIENCE Oooovverrr therrre!
TWIDOW (goes right)
AUDIENCE Look out!
TWIDOW (trips)
AUDIENCE (laughs)
TWIDOW Aaah, music to my ears!
AUDIENCE Boooo! Hiisss!
TWIDOW Anyway, happy Christmas, children...
AUDIENCE (cheers)
TWIDOW And we'll all live happily ever after...
AUDIENCE (cheers louder)
TWIDOW Like Sleeping Cinderella's babes in the wood and the beast with forty thieves and seven dwarfs in boots up a beanstalk on Treasure Island...
AUDIENCE (cheers louder)
TWIDOW And here's our guest, Mr Christopher Biggins!
SILENCE.
DEAN: Oh, hi, excuse me - are you Gary?
GARY:That's me: Gary by name, Gary by birth cert. What can I do for you?
DEAN:I'm Dean. I've just moved to the area, and I was told we could chat about my joining your group.
GARY:Ah, yes, of course. Well, there's room for everyone in my historical re-enactment group. Now, if I recall, Dean, you were in the Warwick branch, weren't you?
DEAN:That's right.
GARY:And, didn't you win an award last year for your re-enactment of the battle of Naseby?
DEAN:No, no, that was the Stratford chapter that won the award. But we re-enacted the ceremony.
GARY:Got you. Well, why not take a look at how we do things, and then feel free to swing along in future. The crew's just starting.
DEAN: Oh. I thought they'd be dressed.
GARY:They are dressed. Bit chilly for naturist re-enactment, Dean. And that's not a thing anyway, so...
DEAN: No, I meant - well, what battle are you re-enacting? Battle of Falkirk? Battle of Sedgemoor?
GARY:Nah. We got bored of those ones after a few times. The result is always the same. So today we're doing the battle of the sexes.
DEAN:Can you re-enact that?
GARY:You can re-enact anything that happened, Dean.
DEAN:Right. So what are those guys doing, all huddled round? Are they building some sort of munition?
GARY:No! They're building the barbecue. Got to be stacked just so.
DEAN:Where's the food?
GARY: Oh, no, Dean: they're in charge of barbecue, food's not their job. Maybe the women will bring some.
DEAN:Well, why don't those guys there get some? They're sitting round doing nothing.
GARY: Doing nothing, my eye! They are sitting listening carefully to an engine, to see whether it sounds different.
DEAN:From what?
GARY:From itself...last time they listened.
DEAN:Alright, so what about those guys on the left, they're just standing about.
GARY:Look closer, lad: they're bottling up emotions. Hard job that. Not a drop getting out. I'm proud of them.
DEAN:But, hang on, with this re-enactment, how are you going to know who won?
GARY: Oh, the women have won.
DEAN:What? But there aren't any here!
GARY:No. They're still getting ready. Genius.
DEAN:Right. Well, this is different to what I'm used to, but I'm game. Hey, I'll come along next week, cook a special chilli, use every pan there is, and not wash up!
GARY:No, no, we're not doing battle of the sexes next week, this is just a warm up. For the next 4 months we're doing the cola wars: bring your own Britney.
***
[LATER, AS A CALLBACK THINGUMMY, IF YOU LIKE]
JACK:[STILTED AND STIFF] Oh, hi, excuse me - are you Gary?
BILL: [EQUALLY STILTED] That's me: Gary by name, Gary by birth cert. What can I do for you?
JACK:[STILL STILTED] I'm Dean. I've just moved to the area, and I was told we could chat about my joining your group.
SALLY:[NORMAL VOCE] Wow, the Warwick branch just get better every year.
POST-MATCH INTERVIEW
DAVE:
Hello and welcome back to our post-match analysis. With me as usual is Steve Clackers and...and I'm afraid I'm going to have to interrupt myself to say that Nick has Kyle Anderson with him. Over to you Nick and thank you for cutting me off.
INTERVIEWER:
You're very welcome. So Kyle it finished one all. Do you feel that's a fair result all things considered?
KYLE:
Well I actually haven't considered all things, but of the things I have considered maybe 2-2 would have been a fairer reflection.
INT:
Ok.. well you seem to be two very evenly matched sides. Would you share that view?
KYLE:
I suppose so. I mean, I felt we dominated the first half but so did they and again in the second half.
INT:
At what point did you realise it was going to end in a stalemate?
KYLE:
Well, for me personally I knew when the final whistle blew that that was pretty much it.
INT:
And you seemed to be up for todays game. You gave a good display in the centre of the park.
KYLE:
Oh well you know, we have a great bunch of lads they always give 110% we have a great manager who prepared us well for todays game.
We were happy to come away with a draw. It's another point on the board at the end of the day.
INT:
You're definitely not our man-of-the-match but thanks for joining us anyway.
Back to you in the studio.
DAVE AND STEVE IN STUDIO.
PRESENTER:
So what did you make of Kyles performance today?
STEVE:
I thought it was solid but a little patchy in places. I just picked out a clip that I feel illustrates this...
CUT TO CLIP OF INTERVIEW KYLE JUST GAVE.
STEVE:
..Here we see where he's asked when he realised it would end in a stalemate.
We can quite clearly see he takes his eyes off the interviewer. He can't afford lapses in concentration like that. Having said that he's young and it's still early in the season so I think that will develop in time.
Again with the final question we see him looking away. He tries to make up for this but I feel maybe that he didn't hear the question properly and just replied with a bunch of cliched answers.
In the lower divisions you can get away with this but in the topflight all these are going to be spotted.
DAVE NODS IN AGREEMENT.
PRESENTER:
Thanks for that. We still have much more to come after the break. We hear from both managers and don't forget to enter our interview-of-the-month competition. Here's a little taster of what to expect..
CUT TO INTERVIEW WITH ANOTHER PLAYER.
PLAYER:
We know we should have won but we didn't really know what to expect. It was like playing chess with a duck out there.
CUT TO PLAYER 2.
PLAYER 2:
You may say we lost possession cheaply but possession is nine-tenths of the law. We prefer the whole law.....ten-tenths.
CUT TO PLAYER 3.
Yes, we've fallen into the drop-zone so we'll just have to make sure that we fall up out of it.
INTERVIEWER:
You can't fall up.
PLAYER 3:
You obviously haven't seen our number nine.
CUT TO PLAYER4.
PLAYER 4:
(RAPID) Look, we're not going to open a tin of beans with our hands and we're not going to roll over and die over that tin of beans. Truth be told I don't even like beans but at the end of the day if it's the difference between winning or losing I might have one or two of them.
END.
A MAN IS BOUND TO A CHAIR IN A DIMLY LIT CELLER. ARESOL PAINTS ARE SPLAYED ON THE FLOOR. LENNY, A BRUTISH LONDENER AND ALID, A FIERY WELSMAN ARE ARGUING IN RHYM.
ALID: You knucklehead chump can't you see ? You say you have kidnapped Banksy ? But no one knows his identity !
BANKSY: You don't know me and I don't know you. So who do you send the ransom note too ?
LENNY: He has to be, he confessed to me. I caught him doing graffiti.
BANKSY: Please don't hurt me take peaty.
ALID: Peaty, surely you mean pity ?
BANKSY: I thought we were rhyming ?
ALID: Bankys likes urban griming. [beat] I see !
BANKSY: OK it's me. It's true, I won't sue, just let me go I'll paint for you.
ALID: Graffiti needs an urban landscape, let him lose he's bound to escape.
BANKSY: You said you needed me to canive, because neither of you can drive. Note I didn't make a big fuss, when you brought me here on the bus. With all your rhyming I thought you were both artistic, turns out you're both dumb and simplistic.
ALID: That is a hurtful thing to say, gangsters have feelings by the way.
LENNY: Just because we look tough you should know. He's got feelings but I ain't though. Give us your fecking agent's address, or you'll have a slow and painful death. I'll feed you to the snails [beat] and you'll be swimming with the faeces.
ALID: Where's your rhyming and your timing ? It's "I'll feed you to the whales and you'll be swimming with the fishes" trust me that sounds far more vicious.
LENNY: What would your agent recognise the most ? Didn't kidnappers send Van Gough's ear in the post ?
BANKSY: Van Gough had no money. He sent his ear to his honey.
LENNY: How would posting his ear increase his wealth ? Are you saying he tried to ransom himself ?
BANKSY: No his honey was a prostitute with gonorrhoea.
ALID: Well his ear had gone that much is clear.
LENNY: His agent would recognise his head.
ALID: Idiot, cut that off he'd be dead ! Send a photo instead.
BANKSY: Gentlemen this has all been fun, but I must confession I'm not the one.
LENNY: Oh in that case you'd best go free.
ALID: You're so dumb you're killing me.
LENNY SHOOTS ALID
BANKSY: Oh now I'm beginning to see, you take everything literally. In that case I am Banksy.
LENNY: They say art imitates life, that bastard slept with my wife. Paint using his faeces and blood.
BANKSY: OK, but do you mind if I use mud ? It's got a much better texture, for expressing how he vex ya.
LENNY: Paint a picture of him in Hell. Make it something I can sell.
BANKSY: I'll paint you a mural on that wall. But if I die it's worth nothing at all. Only I Banksy can authenticate.
LENNY: Fine. The last bus is at nine, I can't be late.
BANKSY: It's been emotional.
LENNY: Not for me mate. [LEAVES]
Tough... Gappy this wank, but close...
I have to vote for Otter this time, I love that tricksy recursive stuff. Special welcome back t the game for Firkin, though.
It's Gappy for me this week. I knew we were off to a flyer with 'Gary by name, Gary by birth cert.' I love the reenactment of the first part of the sketch at the end too. I did enjoy them all though - strong week.
Quote: Otterfox @ 9th April 2022, 9:03 AMI knew we were off to a flyer with 'Gary by name, Gary by birth cert.'
When I wrote that line I thought, ooh, that's like something Otterfox would write, so I guess you influenced me there, thanks.
All good, but gappy pips it
@Gappy ah so you were influenced by my style and I ended up liking that bit particularly. It would seem so that I'm a fan of my own style. What an egotistical knob I am ? Yours was a great sketch. I liked it all to be honest and a lovely ending. Worthy winner this week ?