F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for winking. Place your subject for next wank alongside your vote pleased. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 2
Gappy - 1
Next natterjerk: Lineage (chewed by Gappy)
Leg closed: 27.3.22
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Gappy
2 4 Otterfox
3 3 Teddy
4 2 me
5 1 Firkin, Thief of Bad Gags
PARDON MY FRENCH
CONFERENCE HALL.
SOLDIER.
SOLDIER Good heaving, fellow Anglophiles, patriotists and members of the National Front. My name is Baronet Alfred Lessley the 69th, and this morning I stand proudly erect to demand that our wondrous, wonderful and just like, totally awesome dude language be free from infiltrations from those awful Frenchies, Parisians and fricking froggies. Oui - I mean, ourselves share the raison d'etre of this rendezvous or menage-a-plus-de-trois: a coup d'etat to deal the debut coup de grace, so en garde, messieurs-dames! This cliché seems du jour, but au contraire, mes amis: such laissez-faire denies joie de vivre, such gauche faux pas eradicate je ne sais quoi, such faits accomplis presuppose de rigueur carte blanche. As aide-de-camp to our agent provocateur, the creme de la creme of our chargés d'affaires, the bon mot to this cause célèbre lies in my aide-mémoire - under my nom de plume, naturellement - Non, non et NON encore! Is this but a double entendre? Some déjà vu à la cinéma de variété? C'est la vie, peut-etre? Ca ne fait rien, mes chers? Imagine some au pairs en route on a bon voyage en masse from a cul-de-sac for a café au lait à la carte as hors d'œuvre in a haute cuisine bistrot or cordon bleu réstaurant. Bon appétit! This nouveau riches enfant terribles' tete-a-tete may require cordon sanitaire from a bon vivant femme fatale's cri de cœur: 'Vive la difference!' Au contraire, I stand sang froid pied-a-terre in my prêt-a-porter pajame, haute couture gilet and au fait, papier maché slip: vis-a-vis this force majeure, savoir faire produces the pièce de resistance par excellence tout de suite, n'est-ce-pas? Noblesse oblige!
APPLAUSE.
CROWD Encore! RSVP, s'il-vous-plait!
SOLDIER Shut the f**k up... You grand prix.
1: What nationality are you?
2: What do you mean? British, of course.
1: No, but I mean, beyond that.
2: English, I suppose. Hang on, this isn't going to get all weird, is it?
1: What do you mean?
2: English nationalism. Like, talking about a separate assembly, and painting murals of King Ethelred out of quince jam, and telling Cornish speakers to go back to Lyonesse.
1: No! No, I mean, where did your ancestors come from?
2: My parents were English.
1: And their parents?
2: Eng...lish...? I dunno.
1: Huh! Don't go calling yourself a genealogist, then!
2: I don't.
1: Well, continue to...don't.
2: Great. Anyway, shall we crack on with this report? Do you have figures for March?
1: So, I'm half English. Four great-grandparents.
2: English, then. Basically. So, I'm just wondering about whether we should offset the tax on sales before April when we didn't receive payment till the new financial year.
1: And my other great-grandparents were Scottish.
2: Right. So, we need to-
1: Welsh.
2: Oh, you're still going.
1: French. And centaur.
2: That's fine, so - wait, centaur?
1: Yep. Great-grandfather on my grandmaternal side. Centaur. I'm 1/8 centaur.
2: Centaur? As in man-horse?
1: Obviously. How many other sorts of centaur do you know?
2: Wait, are you claiming you're 1/8 horse?
1: No, don't be stupid.
2: Oh, right. Because I thought...
1: I'm saying I'm 1/16 horse. Because a centaur is only half horse.
2: What do you mean 1/16 horse? Which bit?
1: Dunno.
2: You don't have hooves, or anything.
1: Probably the veins. Horses have veins. I probably have horse capillaries. Or an equine liver. Not every part of a horse is a hoof - you racist. And, no, before you ask, I've never jumped a hedge, I don't like sugar lumps, I've not been in a lasagne. Drop your cheap jokes. I've heard them all, mate.
2: Have you?
1: Well, no. I've imagined them all. And I've always imagined giving them a lofty sneer. Like this [DOES STUPID ATTEMPT AT LOOKING DIGNIFIED AND SUPERCILIOUS]
2: OK. Fine, you're a centaur.
1: 1/16 centaur! Don't get carried away.
2: Sure. So, about the report-
1: I mean, I say my great-grandfather was a centaur. He wasn't really.
2: [SIGH]
1: He was 3/4 centaur. One of his grandparents was a hippogriff.
2: So, as well as being 1/8 centaur you're one-somethingth hippogriff?
1: 1/32, yeah. And, as you probably know, a hippogriff is a cross between an eagle, and a horse. So, I'm 1/64 eagle. You can see that in the eyebrows, I reckon. Which actually makes me 5/64 horse - if you bear in mind the 1/16 horse from the centaur, which works out as 4/64, which you add to the 1/64 horse from the hippogriff. That's how much horse I am.
2: Right. And where did they spring from, these hippogriffs and centaurs?
1: It's obvious, isn't it? The magical Vale of Avalon.
2: Glastonbury?
1: Yeah. The magical bit of Glastonbury. Just on the outskirts.
2: So, English then? All these mythical creatures, they still count as English.
1: Oh, right. Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. I'm basically almost pure English.
2: Yep.
1: Yeah. [PAUSE] Right, best these bloody murals painted then. Freedom for England! Screw Camarthernshire! Thirsty work, this: you got any mead?
INT. ELEVATOR. DAY.
TWO STRANGERS (DANIEL & STEVE) HAVE JUST REALISED THAT THE DOORS WON'T OPEN.
A VOICE CRACKLES OVER THE INTERCOM.
VOICE:
So sorry folks, we're just experiencing a minor glitch with the doors. We'll have you out if a few minutes.
AWKWARD SILENCE.
DANIEL:
So...do you....like things?
STEVE:
Yeah, they're okay.
ANOTHER AWKWARD SILENCE.
DANIEL WHIPS OUT HIS PHONE AND SHOWS IT TO STEVE.
DANIEL:
Look at this.
STEVE (CONFUSED):
Lo-lovely pic-picture of a crow there.
DANIEL:
Aren't you wondering why I'm showing you a picture of a crow?
STEVE:
Absolutely I am. I just thought it would be rude to articulate it.
DANIEL:
Don't worry, you're not being rude to me or my cousin.
STEVE:
I'm sorry who's your cousin? The crow?
DANIEL:
Why yes. Well it's not proven for definite but there's a great chance.
STEVE LOOKS AROUND FOR A WAY OUT.
STEVE:
Might just try and pry open the doors with my bare hands...while we're waiting.
DANIEL:
Wow! I'm related to a crow and you've got the hands of a bear. This is the best day ever!
STEVE:
Oh Jesus!
DANIEL:
You might be wondering how I could be related to a crow.
STEVE:
No, I'm not. I'm wondering how you think you could be related to a crow.
DANIEL:
Correct!
STEVE:
Should'nt it be 'caw-rect' you birdbrain.
DANIEL?
I'm sorry?...You're correct in that you're wrong. See my last name is Byrne. Get it now?
STEVE:
I'll just desperately try the emergency button.
DANIEL:
See Byrne is an Irish surname and is derived from the name O Broin which means descendant of Bran and Bran is the Irish word for raven, see!
STEVE:
No I don't see. Even if that is the case, a raven isn't a crow.
DANIEL:
Correct.
STEVE:
Or caw-rect...
DANIEL:
No...you're correct in that you're wrong. I didn't say I was a direct relation, he's a distant cousin, just like crows and ravens are cousins. He's not my brother or anything, that would be mad.
STEVE:
Yes, that's what makes this whole encounter mad.
DANIEL:
It's interesting though isn't it, tracing ones lineage.
STEVE:
It is certainly interesting tracing ones lineage but that's not what you're doing. You're tracing your family name. Your name comes from raven, not your bloodline.
DANIEL:
Correct and wrong again. I'll do you, what's your name?
STEVE:
S-Steve.
DANIEL:
No, your last name. I'll bet it's something got to do with bears hands.
DOORS SWISH OPEN.
STEVE:
Oh thank Jesus!
DANIEL:
So?
STEVE:
What? I'd prefer if you stayed away from me.
DANIEL:
Just tell me your name, where's the harm in that.
STEVE:
It's Bran, Steve Bran.
DANIEL (ECSTATIC):
Bran means raven!!! Oh my God!! BROTHER!!!!
DANIEL LEANS IN FOR A WARM HUG.
STEVE RUNS FOR THE EXIT DOOR, TRIPS OUT THE DOOR ONTO THE PATH, PICKS HIMSELF UP QUICKLY AND SPRINTS AWAY.
END.
Otterfox by a pube.
Enjoyed the Otter, but it's a vote for Michael this time, it makes a valid point of the linguistic purity brigade (or lexis UKIP, as I like to think of them).
Gappys was great and I loved the descended from a centaur idea (I swear it didn't influence my descended from a raven. I just got to read them now.) Mikey M pips it for being able to use that much French and still make it funny.
Yeah... The funny thing is I recorded it with my mate, who speaks ZERO French, so his pronunciation made it hilarious. I'll link when it's up.