10pm Friday night on a summer night in London
A man with a really posh accent is talking on his phone which is to his ear as he is driving at 60mph down very tight streets in a Mini with a Union Jack flag painted on the roof.
MILES
Justin, why in god's name would I drive all the way to Gloucester to stay in a dreary old stately home that's has neither Wi fi nor central heating to hunt foxes when! Wait a minute..........
The Mini mounts a kerb and runs over a Fox that didn't see it coming because it had its head in KFC box.
MILES
Justin I've just got another one as we were speaking, sod Gloucester I'm off to Hackney word is there's packs of them over there.
HACKNEY 10.30am
A group of drunk England fans are singing to victory outside a Moroccan café are being filmed by Sky News
FANS
Engeerland Enggeeland
One of the fans is feeding bits of his kebab to a pair of foxes.
The Mini comes around the corner and aims right at the foxes. The fan screams and all the fans run as the Mini hit's tables and chairs as the café awning falls on the Mini.
The England fans drag the driver out of the Mini and go to beat him up as the Sky News reporter films
SKY
Drunken England fans now appear to be beating up passing motorists
MILES
Get orf me you oiks
FAN
You nearly f**king killed me
Just then a masked man in a cape with a large question mark on his chest appears and the cameras love him.
CA
My names Captain Alternative and I saw it all
Everyone stops dead as he continues.
CA
The England fans are innocent!!
The England fans all cheer
FAN
It's the f**king toffs fault Captain Alternative!
The England fans grab Miles, but Captain Alternative holds up his hand.
CA
Release that man he is as innocent as you are, that awning fell on his car
The Moroccan owner of the café then comes over.
OWNER
Hey what's all a dis about the awning that idiot was a driving on the side
MILES
No, the Captains right it was the awning
OWNER
How could that be it's a brand new I only had it put up yesterday
CA
Who by?
OWNER
Savjid and his son put it up, that's their trade
Captain Alternative scoffs and addresses the crowd with his hands on hip
CA
And we don't need to ask where they're from do we folks?
The England fans start mumbling and Miles sees the way the winds blowing.
MILES
God knows where they're from they could have killed us all
OWNER
They're from Acton!
CA
Acton Dangerous more like, that's the problem
MILES
sings
Get Brexit done! Get Brexit done!
The England fans then smash the café up while shouting 'Get Brexit Done' While the one fan tries to help one of the foxes that's is now under the Mini's wheel.
SCENE Badly damaged Moroccan Café surrounded by Police Fire and Ambulance vehicles. As Sky news film the event.
The Moroccan is in handcuffs as is the fan who fed the fox.
The unshackled Captain Alterative and Miles are speaking to a Chief Inspector.
CA
As I said sir all I did was offer an alternative explanation and that's not against the law, well not yet anyway
CI
Off you go then sir, we have quite a bit on our hands as it is
Captain Alternative then goes over and gives an interview on Sky.
MILES
Will this take long officer I have to be at Sir George Betterthanyoulot's place for the Summer hunt. Here's my legal advisers' chambers address, he's a QC don't you know. He'll be handing all this including suing the fez off the idiot owner
CI
Certainly sir, if we need anymore, we'll send one of our questionnaires over to your barrister
Miles drives of in his Mini
The Chief Inspector then speaks to the two prisoners
CI
You'll get at 5 years for this lot sunshine
FAN
What for trying to help a fox that was run over that's all I did!
The Chief Inspector then speaks to the owner
CI
I'm afraid your licence will have to be reviewed after this lot mate
OWNER
What Licence? I don't even sell alcohol that lot were drinking out of cans and using my seats. Then they smashed my place up because they think Brexit isn't done
CI
Well feelings are running high
OWNER
You're telling me I'm its biggest fan. I was only able to come over after it, because they relaxed the visas for non Europeans.
Captain Alternative is live on Skys screens
CA
That's the problem in a nutshell no ones allowed to have an alternative view of anything. All you lot in the MSM are interested is the narrative you're being hand fed like bloody emu's.
As all the vehicles move off two Constables are showing the arses while taking selfies by the now dead fox.