F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Crindy for shingling. PM myself with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Crindy - 3
Otterf**ked, Gappy - 1
Next natterjerk: Shapes (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 28.1.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 8 Crindy
2 7 Crindy
3 2 Playfully
4 1 Teddy, me, Otterfox
Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 4th November 2021, 5:14 PMPosition Score Name
1 8 Crindy
2 7 Crindy
It's a fix! Quick, get me Rudy Giuliani!
Neither I, nor myself see any issues with the current scorecard.
Ooh, hello, we're back. Shall we put another week or so on the timetable and carry on where we left of?
Hope everyone is well, incidentally.
In the words of Sylvia Plath, f**k, yes.
Thread titles ain't a-changing. Assuming that's the case, here's my attempt at a Shapes sketch (I mean, I've written the bugger now, so I'm bloody posting it even if this leg of the comp is over).
GRAMS:WAGNER STYLE MUSIC
MALE LEAD: I am Siegfried, the dragon-slaying,
In youth and might, I stand alone,
Although my ginger hair is greying
And I weigh 22 stone.
MALE CHORUS: Opera singers rarely look right,
Always the wrong age, shape, weight or height
We found a guy who hits the notes,
Ignore the fact he splits waistcoats,
He knows Italian and French,
So who cares if he's not so hench?
GRAMS:GILBERT & SULLIVAN STYLE MUSIC
FEMALE CHORUS: 3 little girls of school are we
Our median age is 43
FEMALE LEAD: I am portraying the merest slip,
With a budding bust and a schoolgirl hip,
Though I have a figure like Beyonce -
At least that makes the plot less noncey.
FEMALE CHORUS: At least that makes the plot less noncey!
GRAMS:ROSSINI STYLE MUSIC
MALE LEAD: Where did we get so
Chunky a mezzo
Portraying Mimi
In the Puccini?
Her hand's not teeny!
It's just her luncheon
Suffers consumption,
She has a special table and she has a bigger plate.
FEMALE LEAD: This hefty divo
Requires a heave-ho
To don his clothes, he
Looks very cosy
Playing Don Jose.
To look more svelte, he
Tightened his belt, he
Still looks quite enormous, but now he's a figure eight.
MALE LEAD: Figure eight! Figure eight! Figure eight, figure eight, figure eight, figure eight! [THIS BIT IS TO THAT FAMOUS REFRAIN FROM THE START OF THE BARBER OF SEVILLE, YOU KNOW THE ONE]
FEMALE CHORUS: Opera singers rarely look right,
Always the wrong age, shape, weight or height
If you would enjoy the "nessun dorma"
Ignore the gulf between part and performer.
GRAMS:MOZART STYLE MUSIC
MALE LEAD: Are those two sister and brother?
FEMALE LEAD: No they're playing son and mother,
MALE CHORUS: Even thought they look exactly the same age as one another
FULL CHORUS: Opera singers rarely look right,
Always the wrong, age, shape, weight or height
The lady playing beauteous Helen
Yes, alright, she's 57
And resembles a blonde melon
But she has the voice of heaven
FEMALE LEAD: [FFF] And it goes up to 11! [TRILLS FOR AGES]
ALL: [MUTTERING] Just showing off now.
Yeah, it's impossible to change a thread title, so keeping everything here. Comp closes in a wank, i e. 28.1.
WANNAGEEK
PUB.
TOM and DICK.
TOM (watching TV) 'Ere Dick, it's your favourite band, whass'er name...
DICK Yes, The Spice Girls, formed in 1994 and composed of Melanie 'Sporty' Chisholm, full name Melanie Jayne Chisholm, oft abbreviated to Mel C, born 12 January 1974 in Whiston, Lancashire; Melanie 'Scary' Brown, full name Melanie Janine Brown, oft abbreviated to Mel B, born 29 May 1975 in Hyde Park, Leeds; Geraldine Estelle Horner, née Halliwell of course but best known as Geri 'Ginger' Spice Lady, born 6 August 1972, hence the oldest Spice Woman; by contrast Emma Lee Bunton, born in Finchley, Barnet, London as late as 21 January 1976, making her fashionable moniker doublesomely apt; and the other one.
TOM Er, yeah... And what was their first single?
DICK Wannabe, released at 9.17 a.m. on 9 May 1996 on Virgin, Atlantic on 7", picture disc, shaped disc and shite disc, and débuting on the UK singles chart at number three six days thereafter with sales of 73,193 copies before peaking the parade for seven whole weeks, the longest stay by an-all girl group excepting Shakespear's Sister's Stay and the year's second-best-selling 45 that year with eighteen weeks in the top forty and twenty-six in the top seventy-five, aided naturally by Johan Camitz' deceptively simple promo video recorded in but two takes on 30 April at the Midland Grand hotel in St Pancreas, London, rather than the originally planned Barcelona, Spain, Europe, and reaching top of viewers' charts in several countries except Finland, which doesn't count, and Asia, which was alarmed by the excess of Mel B pokies.
TOM Yeah... And didn't they do a film?
DICK Ah, yes, 'Spiceworld', written by Kim 'Lenny Henry Show' Fuller, directed by Bob 'Fawlty Towers' Spiers, and featuring Victoria 'F**k All' Beckham, alongside a cast of stars and Bob Geldof, filmed on location in London, Edinburgh and Stoke to recreate a largely fictional 24-hour stint in the birds' life à la Beatles' 1964 debut 'A Hard Day's Night' and premiering across the UK at 4.26 p.m. on 15 December 1997, roughly eleven days, three hours, nine minutes and eighteen seconds ahead of its North American debut via Columbia Pictures at Super Bowl, grossing a record-breaking 10,572,222 dollars in its initial weekend and going on to rake in 100 million, 36 thousand, 4 hundred and 82 pounds, 47 p, worldwide, although it is total and utter f**king shit, except in Finland, which still doesn't count.
TOM Fascinating... Anyway, gotta go. What time is it?
DICK (looks at watch) Oh f**k. Now the big hand is on the - on the...
It's good to be back. Will try and dust the old cobwebs off the pen....
INT. NEWS STUDIO. DAY.
PRESENTER:
....and EE, NG and OO have now been missing for days with no clue to the three sounds whereabouts. Detectives have not heard sight nor sou- .....sight of them. That wraps our Sound news for this evening. Next we move onto Shapes.
As we know shapes come in all sha- .... and sizes. The Shapes team has been released for the new season and we have to say that it is an eclectic mix with a few surprises. The stalworths of Triangle, Circle, Semi-Circle, Square and Rectangle have all been included. But it's the addition of Parallelogram and in particular Rhombus and Trapezium that have raised the most eyebrows. It is said that it's Sphere and Prism in particular that are unhappy with this latest decision.
Sphere is believed to have had several chats with the board but at this stage they appear to be going round and round in circles. Latest reports suggest that Sphere is still willing to roll with it for now.
Prism on the other hand has said that after a brief period of refraction, a move away might be best for him and believes that Colours could be the perfect next fit. He went on to say that he doesn't want to play second fiddle to anyone, especially in their opening game against Music.
Speaking of Music, Harp has said that they have been plucking awful in preseason but feels that they will be ready come Saturday with piano being the keys to their success. In an interview, Woodwind has said that they certainly have not hit the high notes yet and Brass stated that they are keeping things very low-key and are certainly not going to start blowing their own trumpet.
Red, Green and Blue are the primary concern for Colours, and Time, as usual, is of the essence. As such, it's time for me to go.
Live from The Toddlerdome, I've been Barney McBooboo, have a very good day.
END.
A Take- Away Shop in Liverpool.
The Owner is behind the counter and is in conversation with a customer who is holding open a Styrofoam carton .
MAN
What the f**ks this? I wanted a slice of pizza
OWNER
That's what it is
MAN
Is it f**k! I wanted a slice off a big pizza , this is just a mini pizza
OWNER
Its off a big pizza look
The owner holds up a big pizza that has five circular holes in it
MAN
Why the f**k are you cutting them in circles, you waste half the ....
The phone rings the owner indicates that he needs a minute and answers the phone.
OWNER (on phone)
It doesn't matter if the burgers square love ! It's the same amount of beef cooked the same way
Pause
OWNER
Yeah well you can f**k off as well
The owner slams the phone down.
OWNER
Why do I get all the dickheads?
MAN
You make square burgers?
OWNER
Look mate if you don't mind you can see how busy I am. I can't stand round here arguing all night. It 's like Sesame Street round here, everyone's f**king shape mad!
The man leaves the shop as he does so he holds the door open for a young girl on her way in. He then speaks to her.
MAN
I wouldn't bother getting anything from here girl, they're off their f**king heads
GIRL
You 're not kidding, my dad made me bring these sausages back because they're triangular!
I vote for Otterfox, but really, it's just truly lovely to be back, so really you all win.
But, just to be clear, actually only Otterfox wins.
Sec**ted. On both c**ts.
I give it to Gappy , I'm not well versed in classical music but I could sense that it was well thought out and structured.
I go with Gappy too. Very enjoyable and very well structured. Most of all, it's great to be back.