F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Gappy for shingling. PM myself with a subject for next wank. Meanwhilst...
Gappy - 2
Crindy, Me - 1
Next natterjerk: Keys (chosen by Crindy)
Leg closed: 31.10.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 6 Gappy
2 5 Crindy
3 2 Playfully
4 1 Teddy, me
TWILIGHT GROAN
OFFICE.
Bored PRODUCER at his desk; enter BOB in excitement.
BOB Mr Producer BigBoy Sire, you just GOTTA hear this gihungus idea I got for the toob. It's innovative, it's creative, it's - bleedin' awesome! Stoke won't know what hit it.
PRODUCER (yawns) No Mr Sploogeing, but you will - unless you, technically speaking, get to the f**king point. Knob.
BOB Get this, Wigbig... I'd clear my throat, but I don't need to: 'You unlock this door with the imagination of the key...'
PRODUCER I think you're putting the tart before the horse. Dick.
BOB Huh?
PRODUCER Other way round. Willy.
BOB OK: 'You unkey this lock...'
PRODUCER The other bit! Penis.
BOB OK. 'You unlock this imagination with the door of the key...'
PRODUCER No. Pecker.
BOB Umm... 'You uncock this bee with the...'
PRODUCER Try again. Dinkle.
BOB 'You be this cock...'
PRODUCER I beg your pardon? Hairy canary.
BOB With the boring imagination...
PRODUCER Right, Bob. Last try. Joystick.
BOB 'You unlock this door...'
PRODUCER Gooood....
BOB 'With the - the key...'
PRODUCER That's it...
BOB 'Of the imagination!' Yeah! 'You unlock this door with the key of the imagination.'
PRODUCER Excellent... Now sod off, it'll never sell. Gherkin.
Hooray for chilly Sunday afternoons to knock up skit comp entries!
SAL: [BROAD SCOUSE] Alright, there, love, get yourself nice and comfy for Madam Sally. Have you ever done a séance, my darling?
ART: [WELSH] Yes, yes, a few times.
SAL: OK, so you know the drill, la. I'm just gonna dim the lights, and we'll sit quietly, and wait for the spirits to come, is that OK?
ART: Of course.
SAL: Right, lovely, my darling. Now, I'll be invoking my spirit guide - spirit guides are like keys to open the other world, OK?
ART: Fine
SAL: Smashing. Alright, I'm going under, I'm going under, oooh [TRAILS OFF] [SMALL IRISH VOICE] Oh, hello dere, who might you be, me fine fella?
ART: I'm Arthur. Who are you?
SAL: [IRISH] I'm little Bridie McDonagh. 'Tis true, I died in Donegal in 1824, but now I'm Madame Sally's spirit guide. Spirit guides are like keys to unlock the other world.
ART: So I've heard.
SAL: [IRISH] Who do ye want to find in the spirit world, Arthur?
ART: My auntie Gladys.
SAL: [IRISH] Tell me about your auntie Gladys.
ART: We were very close, I used to visit her a lot in her house in Walthamstow before she passed on.
SAL: [IRISH] To be sure I'll find her for you. Auntie Gladys, auntie Gladys, are you there? [COCKNEY] Yeah, I'm ere, luv. What do yer want? [IRISH] 'Tis only your aul nephew, Arthur, who's after asking about you [COCKNEY] Arfur? You alright son?
ART: Yes, auntie! So lovely to hear your voice.
SAL: [COCKNEY] Fanks. [IRISH] I think he might have meant me. [COCKNEY] Naah, luv. [IRSH] But I have a limpid, lilting brogue, sure and I do [COCKNEY] You do that, darling, but I fink he meant me all the same. So, Arfur [IRISH] Sorry about that mix-up there [COCKNEY] No trouble, poppet, Now, Arf- [IRISH] I don't want to interrupt you [COCKNEY] That's fine. [IRISH] Good [COCKNEY] Good. So...what happens now? [IRISH] Ah sure, anything you want. Arthur, my little shillelagh, what do you want to do?
ART: Auntie, can we do what we used to when you were alive?
SAL: [COCKNEY[ Course we can, sonny Jim [IRISH] Ah, and what was that you used to do, now? [COCKNEY] Well, I was a medium, weren't I? [IRISH] Were you? [COCKNEY] Yeah [IRISH] Well I never [COCKNEY] And we used to do séances, me and Arfur. Alright, Arfur, let's do a séance, like old times, I'm goin under now, I'm goin in a trance, inni? Oh, ere's me spirit guide - just checking, do you recall that spirit guides are keys-
ART: To open the other world, yes, yes.
SAL: [COCKNEY] Orright, son, 'ere 'e comes. [NATIVE AMERICAN] I am arrived, Chief Hanging Berry, spirit guide for heap big medium Madam Gladys [IRISH] Sure, 'tis a racist voice you got there [NATIVE AMERICAN] Me think you racist voice. Now, Arthur nephew, me must ask, do you know-
ART: Yes, I know about the keys!
SAL: [NATIVE AMERICAN] Heap clever paleface. Who you want to contact?
ART: I don't know. The only dead person I like is auntie Gladys.
SAL: [COCKNEY] That's too easy. When the medium's dead, it's no challenge to contact dead people. How about I contact a living person? [NATIVE AMERICAN] Heap good idea [IRISH] 'Tis a grand idea, there, Mr Berries [NATIVE AMERICAN] Who you want contact who not dead?
ART: Err, I don't really have any friends.
SAL: [NATIVE AMERICAN] Think of someone, stupid Mr.
ART: Errr...I've got no ideas....err...Madam Sally?
SAL: [NATIVE AMERICAN] Oh, that one quite easy. Sally lady, you here? [SCOUSE] Alright there, who's dat? [NATIVE AMERICAN] Chief Hanging Berry, spirit guide for Madam Gladys [SCOUSE] Who's Madam Gladys? [IRISH] Tis his auntie, who I found in the spirit world for you [SCOUSE] Is that you, Bridie? [IRISH] Sure and it is [SCOUSE] Gosh, I never heard your voice before...bit racist [NATIVE AMERICAN] Me think so [COCKNEY] It's bleeding outrageous [SCOUSE] So, what's going on, am I dead? [NATIVE AMERICAN] No, you live [SCOUSE] That's good news. So who's dead? [NATIVE AMERICAN] I am [COCKNEY] I am [IRISH] I am.
ART: I'm not.
SAL: [SCOUSE] Yeah, I know that, don't I? So, I'm here what do you want to ask, Art?
ART: What's it like being...alive?
SAL: [SCOUSE] What sort of question's that? [NATIVE AMERICAN] Stupid [COCKNEY] Stupid [IRISH] Stupid [SCOUSE] You hear, that, Arthur, your question's stupid...Arthur...Arthur? ...Arthur...[WELSH & DEEP] What's going on? [SCOUSE] Oh, blimey, you musta just died. [WELSH] Bloody hell! [SCOUSE] How am I going to get paid now? To be honest, I should be getting double rates for all this [WELSH] Just take the money from my wallet, I won't mind. So, this is the spirit plain, is it? There's lovely. Hello everyone [SCOUSE] Hello [IRISH] Hello [COCKNEY] Hello [NATIVE AMERICAN] Hello [WELSH] Hello...hey, tell you what, Gladys - when you do my voice it sounds a little bit racist...
ANCIENT EGYPT. THE PHARAOH'S VIZIER ENTERS A SMALL WORKSHOP AND MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
VIZIER: Low the Pharaoh approaches, prostrate yourselves and avert your gaze upon pain of death.
The workers look at each other, then carry on working.
PHARAOH: (OFF) What's happening? Are they prostrating?
VIZIER: Not exactly...(SHOUTS) As Grand Vizier to the Great Pharaoh, I command you prostrate your worthless bodies immediately, or suffer the terrible consequences of your frankly rude behaviour.
WORKER: No.
PHARAOH: (OFF) What's happening now? This is embarrassing, people are starting to look.
WORKER: As keepers of the Keys to the afterlife we are exempt from all Royal protocols relating to the person of the Pharaoh.
VIZIER: He says they have an exemption?
PHARAOH: (OFF) This is ridiculous I'm coming in.
PHARAOH ENTERS
VIZIER: The Pharaoh!
PHARAOH: You worker. (HE NODS AT HIS VIZIER) Would you mind? Or do I have to do my own pointing now?
THE VIZIER EXZAGERATEDLY POINTS AT THE WORKER
PHARAOH: Explain yourself!
WORKER: It's all in the contract. You have read the contract haven't you?
PHARAOH: (BEAT) Of course...Just remind me...
WORKER: For over 1500 years our family has provided the required funerary preparations to ensure the safe transition of the soul of the Pharaoh to its home in the afterlife. In order to achieve this sacred rite of passage we the guardians of the Keys have to touch the body of the Pharaoh. Hence the exemption.
PHARAOH: Ah, the keys, it is the Keys that interest me, they are in fact the reason for my visit. There are some wild stories about just what the Keys entail.
WORKER: I can assure you we use only tried and tested procedures combined with the very latest tools.
PHARAOH: Thank goodness, so the stories about removing the brain using a hook up the nose aren't true then?
WORKER: No, we are not savages, we have not used a hook for generations. It is more a combined scoop hook now.
PHARAOH: I see. And why is the brain removed at all?
WORKER: To preserve it.
PHARAOH: Interesting use of the word 'preserve'.
WORKER: In fact all of the major organs are removed and preserved in separate vessels.
PHARAOH: Again interesting use of the word 'preserved'. And these are preserved in order to?
WORKER: In order to be ready for your new life.
PHARAOH: Might it not be better if the body were preserved whole, intact?
WORKER: The keys are very clear and must be followed precisely.
PHARAOH: And what is the origin of the keys?
WORKER: The Egyptian book of the dead.
PHARAOH: I don't suppose there is an Egyption book of the undead is there? Do you have any proof the keys work?
WORKER: No one has ever complained in 1500 years.
PHARAOH: Fair enough, might as well get measured for a nose hook whilst I am here.
INT. HOTEL RECEPTION - DAY
A fancy hotel reception. An immaculate RECEPTIONIST with an unsettling professional smile stands behind the desk, checking in a suited BUSINESSMAN clutching a wheelie suitcase.
RECEPTIONIST
Now, sir, have you stayed with us before?
BUSINESSMAN
Well, no. But, heh, I have stayed in hotels before.
He offers a friendly smile. Her unsettling smile doesn't waver. She robotically places a keycard on the reception desk.
RECEPTIONIST
So, this is your room key. Have you used a keycard before?
BUSINESSMAN
Um. Yes. This isn't my first--
RECEPTIONIST
You just insert the keycard into the slot in the door, this way up, and wait for the light to turn green.
BUSINESSMAN
Right. Thanks. So like every other keycard I've ever--
RECEPTIONIST
Now, you're in Room 517, on the fifth floor. The lifts are just down the corridor to your right. Have you used a lift before?
BUSINESSMAN
(beat)
Have I used a--?
RECEPTIONIST
You just walk into the lift when the doors open and select the floor you need using the numbered buttons on the left hand side.
The businessman's smile has vanished. The receptionist continues to unflinchingly smile back.
BUSINESSMAN
(sarcastic)
...Thanks. I'll try to remember that.
RECEPTIONIST
You might like to know that we offer room service 24 hours a day during your stay. Have you ordered room service before?
BUSINESSMAN
Yes. Obviously I know how--
RECEPTIONIST
You just call the number written on the phone in your room, list the food items you would like, and they'll be delivered to your room within the hour. I believe the special today is pea and asparagus risotto. Have you ever had pea and asparagus risotto before?
BUSINESSMAN
Can you please stop doing--?
RECEPTIONIST
You just carefully boil up some rice in a flavoured broth for 20-25 minutes until it achieves a rich, creamy consistency and serve with a light salad and shaved parmesan.
BUSINESSMAN
Why are you telling me about--??
RECEPTIONIST
I can also see that you've booked in for breakfast tomorrow morning. That is served from 6am to 10am in the main restaurant.
(then)
Have you eaten breakfast before?
BUSINESSMAN
Oh, for god's sake! Now, listen here--
RECEPTIONIST
You just take the food into your mouth in small portions and chew it until it's reached a soft enough consistency to swallow without being a choking hazard on its way through the digestive tract.
BUSINESSMAN
Ok, I've had enough of this.
He picks up the keycard and starts to leave, clearly irritated. The receptionist calls out and stops him.
RECEPTIONIST
One final thing, sir.
The businessman sighs and wearily turns back to the reception desk.
RECEPTIONIST (Cont'd)
Your guest room also features a widescreen television, complete with 35 complimentary channels and several premium offerings for an extra fee on top of that. Have you ever angrily masturbated to hardcore pornography, alone, in a dark hotel room, while on the verge of tears before?
BUSINESSMAN
Right, ok, stop. I want to speak to your manager. This is completely outrageous!
RECEPTIONIST
Certainly, sir. One moment, please.
The hotel MANAGER walks out from the back office and joins the receptionist at the desk. He has a similarly unsettling smile.
MANAGER
What seems to be the problem?
BUSINESSMAN
Everything! I've never been so poorly treated! I want to make a formal complaint!
MANAGER
Of course, sir.
(long beat, then)
Now, have you ever made a formal complaint before?
THE END
INT. MODEST OLD COUNTRY HOUSE. DAY.
TEENAGER NICK SITS ON THE FLOOR FLICKING ON AND OFF A SWITCH. HIS GRANDAD (BILLY) SITS NEARBY READING THE PAPER.
NICK:
I'm so booooored, when are Mum and Dad going to be here?
BILLY: (FROM BEHIND THE PAPER)
Tuesday.
NICK GROANS.
NICK:
Why does nothing even remotely interesting ever happen here?
BILLY:
What are you talking about? Look at this, the price of ham has gone up by tuppence - pages 2 to 22!
NICK:
I said interesting not unbelieveably boring. All there is here are stones and grass surrounded by hills.
BILLY FOLDS THE PAPER.
BILLY:
Okay Sonny Jim, what do you know of the hills that surround us?
NICK:
Ah, they're hilly.
BILLY:
Have you heard of Lisavoora?
NICK:
I've heard you make up a word. Just like the time you told me that there was a rare bird called a Smogmonted Wubbler who always keeps a key in a blue pocket on his chest.
BILLY:
Correct and right. I heard that too, but did I tell you about some other things?
NICK:
What things?
BILLY:
Things like ancient map things.
NICK:
I'm finding myself somewhat interested now.
BILLY:
Indeed. I have waited for the day when I would be sitting alone with my grandson who would mention that he was bored. In turn, this would instigate a conversation about Lisavoora and lead to me divulging the map.
NICK:
And if I'd never said I was bored?
BILLY:
I would have taken it to the grave.
NICK:
Seems idiotic but okay. How did you get your hands on it? Passed down through generations?
BILLY:
Passed down certainly and up. My grandfather gave it to my grandfathers grandfather, who, in turn, passed it up to his father. He passed it down to his grandson who was my grandfathers father, who didn't like it and passed it back up again. It passed through his hands and ended up in the hands of my father, your great grandfather. Then to me and it's only right that when your dad gets back that I'll pass it to my-
NICK:
My hands.
BILLY:
The map tells of an ancient burial chamber deep in the Lisavoora Hills. When I was a boy and the map was flitting up and down the generations it was said that a passage grave existed in the hills. Dating back to the time of the ancient Celts. Riches beyond your wildest dreams is said to exist there but my forefathers either hadn't the wherewithal, didnt have the time or just couldn't be arsed.
NICK:
Have you tried?
BILLY:
Your ancestors were clearly idiots. Of course I've tried and have found the ancient door but the key eludes me. The map holds the key to the key but I can't find the key.
NICKS:
Let's go now. I'm great at finding keys.
BILLY:
Have at it. I've been looking for it for 60 years without success. Nowadays bigger things occupy my mind.
NICK:
What? Like ham?
BILLY:
Yes ham. It's gone up by tuppence for goodness sake. Knock yourself out.
BILLY HANDS NICK THE ANCIENT MAP AND GOES BACK TO HIS PAPER.
CUT TO SEVERAL SHOTS OF NICK, TRUDGING, CLIMBING, DIGGING, SHUFFLING ACROSS CLIFF FACES ETC. THE SHOTS ARE ACCOMPANIED BY NICKS COMMENTS.
NICK:
Left at the third magpie; take heed of just half the compass; around the lake of glass; avoid the tree of sawdust; reveals the ancient garden; the forest floor by the bearded oak aaand....no way! THE KEY!
HE HOLDS THE ANCIENT KEY ALOFT TRIUMPHANTLY.
A STRANGE-LOOKING BIRD SWOOPS DOWN, PLUCKS THE KEY FROM HIS HAND, DROPS IT INTO A BLUE POUCH ON ITS CHEST AND FLIES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.
END.
Otterfox. Pleasantly f**ked up.
Otterfox nearly won it with yet another unfilmable chunk of madness, but I have to give it Crindy for the line about wanking and weeping.
Crindy
A fun week, but gappy's seance-ception just edges it. 
High quality this week. I liked Gappys seance, especially the Irish accent. To be sure that's how we all talk. Crindys was class. Thought it was tv quality so 'Tis him for me.