INT. ANTIQUE SHOP - DAY
An antique shop filled with trinkets and paintings. The shop OWNER (50s) stands behind the counter as a CUSTOMER (40s) enters.
CUSTOMER
Ah, good day. I was wondering if I could ask you a question?
OWNER
Of course. Although, I should warn you, I'm having a terrible day for questions, so please don't test my patience. It feels like everyone who's come into my shop today has been on the wind up.
CUSTOMER
In what way?
OWNER
Well, just ten minutes ago, a gentleman came in, interested in the musical instrument over there.
The Owner gestures to one item on display, a small musical instrument.
OWNER (Cont'd)
A fascinating item. Sourced from an archaeological dig in Lebanon many years ago. An ancient tribal flute which, for reasons that still baffle archaeologists, isn't designed to make any sound when you play it.
CUSTOMER
It's beautiful, though.
OWNER
It certainly is. And the customer in question wanted to know how much it would cost just to try and blow into it.
CUSTOMER
Well, I mean, that doesn't sound so bad...?
OWNER
It was the way he said it.
CUSTOMER
How did he--?
OWNER
"How much loot to have a toot on that cute, yet mute flute from Beirut?"
CUSTOMER
Oh. I see.
OWNER
And then, before him, I had a lady interested in those items there.
He gestures across the store to a collection of stuffed deer.
OWNER (Cont'd)
Hunting aids from the 17th century. One would position those fake female deer in the forest and wait for them to attract a stag out into the open for you to shoot at.
CUSTOMER
I see. Do you know who originally owned them?
OWNER
Alas, as I told the young lady, the name of the owner was lost in time, so we've just used a placeholder. Still, she claimed that her husband was very well off and wanted to buy them. And she was very keen to ask her question.
CUSTOMER
...What question?
OWNER
"How much of my beau's dough do I owe for John Doe's faux does?"
CUSTOMER
Right. I see. Same as--
OWNER
Same as the first guy. Not to mention the young man who came in this morning asking whether I was the shop that had purchased the Guns N' Roses guitarist's marijuana seed collection, sold at auction last month. Completely unusable, of course, after said guitarist accidentally trod on them, squashing them flat. Still, an interesting collectible.
(long pause, then)
I mean, he didn't ask it quite like that...
CUSTOMER
...How--?
OWNER
"How much cash should I flash for Slash's mashed hash stash?"
CUSTOMER
Right. Could probably have figured that one out myself--
OWNER
So, as you can tell, it's been a long day.
(then, more cheery)
Still, enough of my complaining. You seem a decent enough sort, at least.
The Customer suddenly looks slightly shifty. Guilty, even.
CUSTOMER
Oh, um, yes. I am. I can guarantee: No funny business from me.
OWNER
Fantastic. So, what was your question?
CUSTOMER
Well, um, just a bit of backstory. I'm actually here as a, erm, representative of the famous boxer, Manny Pacquiao. More specifically, his mother.
OWNER
Hmm. Is that a fact?
CUSTOMER
Yes. Erm, to bring you up to speed, her name is Miriam. Although, um, actually, she prefers...Mimi.
The owner's eyes narrow slightly.
OWNER
...Does she, now?
CUSTOMER
Yes. But she does have a lot of wealth, thanks to her son, and she was interested in some of your paintings.
OWNER
Right. Which paintings, exactly...?
CUSTOMER
Um, well, I'm led to believe you've recently acquired some works by...a leading French impressionist? Previously owned by a...certain Premier League footballer?
OWNER
I assume you mean the ones I bought from Sadio Mane?
CUSTOMER
Yes. Um, yes. That's--They're the ones she's interested in. And, erm, I understand a lot of them are quite...small? Miniature, even?
OWNER
The canvases are smaller than usual, yes.
(then, eyes narrowing further)
So, to summarise: You're here to enquire about these smaller than average French impressionist paintings, sold to me by said footballer, on behalf of the wealthy mother of the boxer Manny Pacquiao?
CUSTOMER
Um, yes.
OWNER
(sighing)
Ok. So, what's your question?
CUSTOMER
Well, I, um, just wondered...How many of Mane's mini Monets for Manny's mummy Mimi's money?
OWNER
Get out.
THE END