A small northern mining town lays in ashes. A soot stained and distressed looking brass band are sat on a wall watching the police fire and ambulances and their crews putting their equipment away. In the background the surrounding fields are full of bald and burned turkeys that look shell shocked.
A large luxury coach driven by a solider with the legend 'COBRA Road Trip' along its sides then draws up. The doors open and Boris Johnson and his cabinet get off the coach in Hi Vis coats.
Theresa Coffey is smoking a cigar.
A slew of TV vans and reporters in cars then park up and gather around filming.
The heads of the police fire and ambulance spot this and walk over and shake the PM's hand.
BOJO
Right what have we got
PLOD
A right royal f**k up that's what!
BOJO
lowers voice
You shouldn't be talking like that in front of that lot , anyway Andy only got the yanks paperwork last...
GOVE
I think he means the fire
BOJO
Oh yes right terrible terrible, do we now how it started?
FIRE
You mean you don't know? And yet you've drove down here just to to court the media...
BOJO
Actually we where in the area, we're traveling across the region pre christmas and all that. cheering up all the ex red wallers. We've got a load of snow domes if you'd like some for your gallant crews 'Mon bro'
PLOD
Snow domes?
BOJO
Yes you'll love them , Its Britannia and she...
PRITTI
We were going to go with the traditional key ring
COFFEY
But given how many plebs we've made homeless it could look a tad insensitive.
The police officer waves away the cigar smoke in disgust.
BOJO
But you can't go wrong with snow domes. Be it a home, a hovel, or a hole in the ground these northern types do love a good snow dome
PLOD
There are 346 people dead sir !
BOJO
Could we blame covid?
PLOD
You can blame what you like mate they're all ashes! And good luck identifying them the only dentist for 40 miles was deported last week.
TRUSS
What do we know
PLOD
All we know so far is that that idiot over there is responsible for the whole f**king she -bang
The police man points to man wearing a Chelsea top who has earrings in both ears and his arms are covered in Union Jack tattoos.
On hearing this the man comes over in an irate manner and speaks in a cockney accent.
MAN
What are you lot saying about me? It's not my fawking fault . I've only been in the game in a week and and we haven't even covered reversing yet , that's next weeks zoom lesson!
PLOD
That idiot reversed an articulated lorry load of turkeys into a full petrol tanker!
AMB
To make matters worse the villagers were all out of their homes with flags waving when the explosion happened so it was a case of total fatalities.
BOJO
Ah I see, of course, I see the band , I suppose its was during on of those northern celebration things that this lot get up too...
PLOD
They were waving the f**king tanker in , they hadn't had a delivery in 3 weeks.
AMB
The band only survived because they're that bad the village makes them practice 2 miles away.
The head band member hears this and joins the fray
BAND
Its not our fault! We were voted 'Best Colliery Band' in 1957 59 64 67 69 ... It's not our fault the pits all got shut down so now we have to learn new stuff. No one wants to hear ' Daddy don't go the mine' anymore. All they want is Brexit Brass so, we've had to retool and learn all new stuff like the 'Dam Busters' and 'Yes we have no bananas' !
PLOD
Go and sit back down sir with any luck we should be able to find a hospital to look you over in a few days
PATEL
Officer I sense you're not quite a fan?
PLOD
I just do my job ma'am
FIRE
To make matters it took us two hours to get here because every bloody bridge in the county has got a truck stuck in it because half these new drivers either can't read signs or have no idea how tall and wide their vehicles are!
Johnson goes into a low speak huddle with the cabinet.
BOJO
Well this is a pickle, far too many press Johnnies to beat up one. Looks like the games up, we've got no petrol, gas is through the roof the channel looks like Henly Regatta. What can I promise them this time? We've taken all we can off the working plebs and give the money out to our mates and now the whole lot has come down on our heads. Alas I expected my end to be at Phillipi rather than 'Up North'
A reporter then shouts over to the huddled Cabinet.
REPORTER
Claire Horseface Daily Mail, Prime Minister did you know that Angela Rayner referred to you as scum?
BOJO
No
REPORTER
Well she did and my paper is running a 6 page spread on the issue. Did you know that she has the same hair colour of Prince Harry and that Meghan Markle is reported of being jealous of her because of it?
BOJO
Hello Claire as you would expect that I'm devastated to hear that she has said such a thing given the tragedy that lays before us that . One I may add that makes the last days of Pompeii look like Miss Piggy cooked dinner for Kermit .
BOJO
mutters to cabinet
They do love a good Muppet joke
BOJO
To media in lofty voice
I can assure we intend to head back to London straight away and deal with this issue as it really is the thin end of the wedge!
REPORTER
Tom Good Small Holders Monthly What about all these poor Turkeys Prime Minister they'll freeze to death in the wild with no feathers and they won't be able to forage either as they're Brazilian ones , so the terrains hostile to them.
BOJO
I erm I erm
PATEL
intj
The Prime Minister and I are in full agreement that despite their terrible plight the UK Government MUST! Put British Turkeys first when it comes to housing and feeding , we can not be seen as a 'Soft Touch' any longer.
The media cheer
BOJO
Right that's saved us for another week, all back on the bus as fast as you can and lets get out on a high
The cabinet all pile back on the bus and the bus backs up and knocks an ambulance onto its side.
DRIVER
Sorry about that I hope no one important was in it.
