SCENE' INTERVIEW ROOM
Dixon and Hall are sat formally while Vlad is unconcerned and slumped in his chair.
DIXON
This won't be on tape Mr Bettoskey. You said you don't want a lawyer. So, I presume you've seen sense and want to have a little Chitchat'
VLAD
Slavic accent
Why would I need lawyer, why get robbed and arrested? Anyway. I like to chatchit I have nothing to hide
DIXON
That Mr Bottoskey (PAUSES) Remains to be seen...
VLAD
(Scoffs)
What you being sinister now like Mrs M? Is James Bond going to shoot me in head with his Walther PPK for running small business
HALL
Small business? We reckon you've supplied the lights and equipment to half the pot growers in three counties!
VLAD
Reckon? What is reckon? Is this another word for evidence that I don't know about. If it, is I'd like to see it. I help people grow tomatoes and keep their Geckos warm.
HALL
Geckos? Who are you kidding? if anyone left a bloody Gecko under one of your lamps it'd be fried to a crisp in seconds
VLAD
No, it can be done safely I sell a filter. 'Extreme Geckoing' it's a thing on Tok Tik, I swear on my Uncle Vanya's grave!
DIXON
We know what you sell and what its used for Mr Bottesky. It's hardly a secret seeing that your shops called 'Vlad the Inhalers' So what we want to know is exactly who it is that you've sold it to?
VLAD
How would I know this?
HALL
Are you trying to say that you have no idea who you've sold equipment to?
VLAD
What you need ask for ID now to grow tomatoes? When was this law passed? Perhaps I was on toilet at time having shit
DIXON
In that case we'll have to see your receipts in order to trace any card payments.
VLAD
Is cash only business.
HALL
How convenient
VLAD
Not for me it isn't I have to send my deposits by courier. My bank it is in Odessa it does not take card payments. They don't trust the Wests banks they say they are corrupt.
DIXON
Well, the equipment you sell isn't exactly portable, is it? So, we'll need to have a look at your delivery book then, won't we?
VLAD
How do I do this? I don't have licence no more. They say I drive too fast, and that I called traffic warden f**k off after he give me ticket outside my own shop!
HALL leans over the desk trying to look tough but VLAD is just sat with his arms folded smirking back at him.
HALL
Listen to me Vlad. You don't realise just how much trouble you're in? So I suggest that you start giving straight answers or you won't know what's hit you
VLAD
You want to hit me? Do it! I was born in Gulag my friend, the KGB they beat me like a carpet every day. So, do it beat me!
DIXON
It's an expression Mr Bottoskey the police in this country don't beat people up.
VLAD
They have same expression in Russia. so what now I fall downstairs a few times!
DIXON
I'll keep it simple Mr Bettoskey we both know that the equipment you're selling in your shop is being used to grow cannabis
VLAD
How is this my fault? I not sell seeds? Law says that makes me legitimate businessman!
DIXON
We are well aware of the loophole that you've been exploiting Mr Bettoskey. What's more, we know that there also happens to be another shop using a similar loophole to only sell the seeds.?
VLAD
I did not know this
DIXON
I am surprised given that it's the shop next to yours and is run by your wife!
VLAD
This I did not know? Ludmilla she not tell me.
HALL
You're seriously trying to tell us that your wife runs the shop next door to you and you didn't know about it?
VLAD
No she didn't tell me , perhaps she use Chinese Wall like City of London. That is loophole, yes? It legally makes all your London fat cats fatter. God bless free enterprise
HALL
You problem Vlad is that when we searched your shop this morning, we found a door.
VLAD
You found door how do think I get in? Through the roof like Santa Man?
HALL
We mean a door that leads to your wife's shop!
DIXON
Now as that door is through a dividing wall and because you both have the same landlord and rental agreement. That Mr Bettoskey puts the seeds and the equipment under the same roof!
VLAD
What's this Good Cop, Architect Cop?
HALL
That door Vlad also makes the whole thing a 'Criminal Enterprise' should we feel inclined to see it that way
DIXON
Which means that we can apply to the courts to have both you and your wife's business and private assets frozen
VLAD
My money is in Odessa good luck asking them to help you. They don't even listen to the UN after they claim that bank president is War Criminal Anyway, I get lawyer, get the charges thrown away
DIXON
That's just it Mr Bettoskey we don't need to press charges; we can just treat the investigation as 'On Going'
HALL
That means your assets in the UK, your car, your home your shop, even the clothes your standing in will be seized and will stay frozen... for years!
VLAD
Why you do this? I'm just man in street?
HALL
Let's put it in a way you'll understand Vlad. We need a Mr Big to keep our jobs. So either you give us the name and address of your biggest customer, or the tape goes on and all of a sudden, you're the Mr Big
DIXON
However if you see sense and tell us what we need to know you and you're lovely wife Ludmilla can go back to selling whatever the hell you like
VLAD
Now this I understand, I get out of shit if I put someone else in shit yes?
DIXON
As long as it's a substantial crop. Our boss won't be impressed if we come back with a few cuttings and a spotty teenager in handcuffs
VLAD
What if not man, what if woman?
DIXON
A Mrs Big? Now that Mr Bettoskey would suit my bosses and the media down to the ground. I don't think we've ever had a Mrs Big!
HALL
So, who is she? And more importantly where is she? I want the full name and address and she had better be a serious grower!
HALL hands VLAD a pen and pad and he writes as he speaks.
VLAD
Is big crop I dropped two dryers off last week the plants were bigger than me. I wrote her address, but I don't know her full name. They call her Mad Mandy! I don't like her anyway, her pit bull Havoc it shit in my shop
HALL takes the pad off VLAD and hurriedly leaves the room.
HALL EXITS.
VLAD gets to his feet.
VLAD
So I go now?
DIXON waves him back down.
DIXON
Why don't we both stay here and have a nice cup of tea. Our friend Mandy might have heard that you've been pulled in decide to hide the evidence. So, a few officers will be popping over right way to surprise her. And if what you say is there you can get back to your shop
Vlad smiles and nods.
VLAD
This tea we get do you have any sticky buns to go with it?
DIXON and VLAD are finishing their teas.
HALL ENTERS
HALL is smiling and excited and is holding a sheet of paper.
HALL
Nobby Pallister's just radio a prelim through ma'am! Every room's choker block with massive plants, plus also Samurai swords, cross bows, pit bulls the lot. Oh and er....
HALL becomes pensive so Dixon visually commands him to continue which he does so rather sheepishly.
DIXON
And what?
HALL
(Gutted)
They also found two twelve foot Geckos
VLAD smiles as he stands up and does a pretend 'Microphone Drop' He then grabs his coat off the back of the chair and throws it over his shoulder and heads for the door. HALL attempts to block VLADS exit but is forlornly waved away by DIXON.
DIXON
Let him go
