F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Otterfox for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Otterfox - 4
Crindy - 1
Next natterjerk: Food and Drink (chosen by Crindy)
Leg closed: 2.9.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 10 Lazzard
2 8 Otterfox, Crindy
3 7 Playfull
4 5 Gappy
5 1 Teddy
Yesterday was weekly sketch-writing night, and I knocked this up...then suddenly realised today that it fit the comp theme. Go, team subconscious!
JESUS: And now, my dearest brethren, it is time to say farewell. Before this night is out, I shall be taken to my death. Disciples of mine, please relax: eat, drink, try to beat Bartholomew's record at the falafel balancing game. I love you all, and pray you enjoy this last supper.
JUDAS: What? It's not the last supper!
JESUS: Ah, Judas, my child, it is. For after this I shall die, and then there will be noth- well, alright, I might come back, but still, this is the last one before that stuff happens.
JUDAS: But what's with this supper all of a sudden? What sort of middle-class nonsense is that?
JOHN: Yeah! You claim you're working class, Jesus, but you always sound so posh. "Oh, I'll just have some supper, a small collocation of quail's eggs and mortgages, with some foie gras on an old school tie".
MATHEW: Come on, John, you can't say that's why this isn't the last supper.
JESUS: Thank you, dear Mathew.
MATHEW: It's because supper is a light meal taken very late at night, not as a main evening meal. Quite possibly, when having supper, one has in fact already had one's dinner.
JOHN: Dinner? Pah! Only poncy poshos call night-time grub dinner. We salt of the earth types have dinner at midday.
MATHEW: At lunchtime?
JOHN: Yes. Well, no, but yes.
JESUS: So what do you have in the evening, John?
JOHN: Tea!
JUDAS: Oh, no, you soft git! Tea is a late afternoon meal, with scones and sandwiches and doilies (but you don't eat them), not bloody fish, chips and mushy chickpeas.
MATHEW: Come off it! Tea's a drink, not a meal. What you're describing, Judas, is a cup of tea and a biscuit with ideas grotesquely above its station.
JOHN: Shut up, you don't drink tea at tea, you daft bastards! You drink brown ale. You drink yer tea at eleven - or ten forty-five if the boss ain't looking.
JESUS: Brothers, brothers, let us not fight (and, for the record, I am always looking). I merely refer to this as supper, because it is when we sup. A man may sup at any time; let peace reign here once again.
MATHEW: Leave it out, Jesus, that's worse than the other crap. If anything, by your logic, we'd be the suppers; the food would be the suppee.
JESUS: Arse, I think you're right. Oh, now you've spoilt my last night on earth, wondering about what meal this is. Thanks a bunch, so-called disciples!
JOHN: Sorry, Lord.
MATHEW: Sorry.
JUDAS: Yeah, sorry. [PAUSE] I've never really been sure what brunch is.
ALL: Oh shut up/let it go/put a sock in it/etc
JESUS: Right, just for that, Judas, I'm going to make you pick up the bill. We're off, you can catch us up in Gethsemane.
JUDAS: Alright. [BEAT] Oh, bleeding Nora! Where am I going to get 27 pieces of silver?
MATHEW: What, aren't you going to leave them a tip?
VEGAN FOXED
BAR.
TOM and DICK.
TOM You all right, Dick?
DICK Nah, just became vegan.
TOM Veggan?
DICK Shut up. I need to take my mind off it.
TOM All right, here's a yolk - joke. John Lennon's wife drops an egg.
DICK Please...
TOM No, this'll cook your goose: He says, Yolk? Oh, oh no!
SILENCE.
TOM Sorry, that was tripe - cheesy - I mean, dead meat.
DICK Will you...?
TOM So it needed beefing up, you bad egg. Don't egg me on, or the fat'll be on the fire. We'll just chew the fat...
DICK For the last...
TOM Ah, what's the beef? Don't get cheesed off or I'll make mincemeat out of you and no one'll save your bacon, you chicken. I'm just a meat 'n' potatoes guy, no big cheese, that's the meat of the matter and my meat 'n' drink, though one man's meat is another man's poison, not to milk it cos I'm no spring chicken, I bring home the bacon till the cows come home and the chickens roost putting all their eggs in one basket before they're hatched like headless chickens with bigger fish to fry in a different kettle...
DICK Right, I'm leaving. (leaves)
TOM Oh well. No use crying over spilt milk.
TOM (PRESENTER) STANDS IN LUSH GREENERY IN GREEN SHIRT AND CONCRETE CAMOUFLAGE SHORTS.
TOM:
Hi, you might recognise me from the thing I'm doing right now and also...
(Loud music cue as dvd cover flashes on the screen).
TOM (CNTD):
'Wildcat Attacks and the Avoidance Thereof' with me Tom 'Wildman' Willigness. Well, I'm back and I'm gone off the cats, gone right off the...
(his face freezes in a traumatic expression and PTST flashes of kittens playing and purring appear on screen)
TOM (CNTD):
...cats. This decade I'm going to show you how to survive in the jungle.
Now you might be noticing my, sort of, two-tone attire. There is method to my madness. You see the top half is so I'm camouflaged when I'm in green jungles and the shorts are so I'm covered in the jungles of the Urban.
VOICE OFF CAMERA:
(Whispering) Urban Jungles.
TOM:
Urbanian Jungles.
VOICE OFF CAMERA:
(Whispering more sternly) Urban Jungles.
TOM:
(Confident) Bourbon Jungles.
TOM TURNS ON HIS HEEL AND STRIDES AWAY CONFIDENTLY. HE TROTS BACK INTO THE NEXT SHOT TO BEGIN HIS NEXT PIECE.
TOM:
So, what's the most important thing to have with you in the jungle? Yes, that's right - food.
After shelter, warmth, safety, water and your gear, it's the most important thing.
TOM (CNTD):
Now, my favourite thing to eat in the jungle is dinner but if you forget to bring it, there's lots of ways of catching some tasty morsels.
HOLDS UP A BUG CATCHER (ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL CUP).
TOM (CNTD):
This vessel here is a lifesaver. It's great for catching weasels, hot weasels and what are the other ones called? - Insectecemia! No, insectecemia is when you're infected with insects. Insect!!
My preferred method for catching them is to simply hold a rock over some ground and wait for something to pass. If nothing passes after 10 minutes, we just keep waiting for ages more, then, all we have to do is wait.
These insects are full of nutrients and exoskeletons which means they're great for making a crunching sound when you chew them.
Another method I like is to gather some pellets, stones, hard bits of anything and just fire them into the distance.
HE THROWS WHATEVER IS IN HIS HAND INTO THE UNDERGROWTH.
TOM:
Let's see what I got...mmm spidered mushrooms, my favourite.
Another great trick is to just run through the jungle, swinging a bat and kicking wildly. Eventually you'll hit your dinner.
What-have-we-got-here! The wrestling squirrel or Sciuridae Hulkhoganus. He won't go down without a fight. He has me in a headlock already, now the half and the full Nelson. At all costs you need to avoid the willy Nelson. Now I'm trying to get him in my own submission move. You need to hold on as tight and for as long as possible. If you let him go, he will fly back at you like a bastard and if it's too loose, he'll just reverse the move. Tap out will you! Just tap out!!
PAN TO TWO KIDS.
Tom (OFF CAMERA):
Oh Jesus!
KIDS:
Tom! Tom! Toooom!!
TOM:
(Nonchalant) Wha..?
KIDS:
Your dinners ready.
HE EASILY FLINGS THE SQUIRREL AWAY (REVEALED TO BE FAKE) AND TRUDGES UP TO THE HOUSE LIKE A DISAPPOINTED SCHOOLBOY.
CLOSEUP OF SQUIRREL GROWLING AND COMES AT TOM LIGHTNING-QUICK, FLATTENING HIM TO THE GROUND.
END.
INT. SEASIDE RESTAURANT - DAY
A traditional cosy little seafront restaurant. Simple decor, decrepit tables and chairs, laminated menus. A young MAN and WOMAN sit at one of the tables, smiling at each other.
MAN
So, yeah, I know it's not exactly got a Michelin star or anything, but I wanted to keep things simple, y'know. Even if it was a bit of a drive.
WOMAN
Seriously, I love it. This place is so cute. And fish and chips by the sea? Takes me right back to family holidays when I was a kid.
MAN
Me too. Wanna go build a sandcastle after?
The Woman chuckles warmly. An elderly waitress, MAUREEN, dodders over to the table with two plates. She sets one down in front of each of them.
MAUREEN
Here we go, dears. Two fish and chips. Enjoy.
Maureen hobbles away. The Man and Woman look down at their plates.
On each plate: A piece of crisp, battered FISH. A generous pile of thick, golden CHIPS. A dollop of steaming MUSHY PEAS. And a large helping of WHIPPED CREAM.
The Man looks back up at the Woman. They both look confused. He smiles weakly and beckons for Maureen.
MAN
Um, excuse me...?
Maureen looks back at him and slowly toddles back over, wincing slightly from the exertion.
MAN (Cont'd)
Sorry. I don't mean to be a pain, it's just--
MAUREEN
(sighing)
I know. I know exactly what you're going to say. You're not the only ones to have mentioned it, you know.
WOMAN
Ok. Phew. Good, because--
MAUREEN
It's the plates, isn't it?
MAN
...The...plates?
MAUREEN
I told him, people want nice clean white plates to eat off. But he insisted on these daft beige ones. I ask you, who wants to eat their tea off of a beige plate--?
WOMAN
No, sorry, it's not the--
MAUREEN
(calling out)
Derek? Derek! Customer complaint out here--!
From the other side of the serving hatch, the similarly aged DEREK calls out to them.
DEREK(O.S)
I don't want to hear another word about the bloody plates, Maureen!
MAN
Seriously, the plates are perfectly fine--
MAUREEN
I told you, Derek! Nobody likes the beige! I'm getting tired of dealing with all this!
DEREK comes tottering out of the kitchen and makes his way over to the table. He's on the PHONE to someone.
DEREK
(into phone)
Yes, John, you don't need to tell me. Beautiful plates, they are. And they're not 'beige'. They're 'rustic sand'!
(pause, then)
Exactly! Like the seaside! You get it, John!
MAUREEN
(to Man and Woman)
He's being ever so stubborn about these plates, you know.
MAN
Really, the plates look--
DEREK
(into phone)
Yeah, I'll call you back.
(then, to the group)
Right. Who's mouthing off about my plates now?
WOMAN
No, the plates aren't the--!
DEREK
Cos that's proper bone china, that is. Very hard to find nowadays.
MAUREEN
Nobody cares about the--!
WOMAN
It's the cream!
Derek and Maureen stop in their tracks. They look down at the plates, then at each other, then back to the couple at the table.
DEREK
What's wrong with the cream? Too hot? Too cold?
MAUREEN
I think you're being too stingy with the portions these days--
MAN
No, I--Why is there cream on our plates?
Derek and Maureen share another confused look.
DEREK
What do you mean, why is there cream on your plates? That's traditional British fish and chips, is that. Battered cod, chips - proper chips, mind, none of this American 'fries' nonsense - mushy peas, and fresh whipped cream--
WOMAN
No, no, there's no--You don't serve whipped cream with fish and chips!
MAUREEN
...Says who?
MAN
Says everyone!
DEREK
Nonsense! You're having me on! That's how my mother used to make fish and chips when I was a lad. And that's how we've always made it in this fine establishment.
WOMAN
Well, I'm sorry, but you've been doing it wrong.
MAUREEN
Are you absolutely sure this isn't about the plates--?
DEREK
I have not been doing it wrong!
In desperation, the Man pulls out his phone and taps the screen before handing it to Derek.
MAN
Here, look, check on Google, Wikipedia, wherever. Please. Look at the photos. Fish and chips. Sometimes mushy peas. Maybe curry sauce if you're that way inclined, and I completely respect people's right to do that even if I don't understand it myself. But never any whipped cream!
DEREK
Psh...
He scoffs, then looks more closely at the phone, scrolling down the screen. His face starts to drop.
DEREK (Cont'd)
But--There's no...None of these have...Wh--Where's the whipped cream?
(to Maureen)
Maureen? Where's the bloody whipped cream??
He gestures in desperation. Maureen points at the phone screen.
MAUREEN
Ooh, I like those plates...
DEREK
Focus, woman!
WOMAN
It's like we've been trying to tell you--
Derek slumps down into a nearby chair, his face turning white.
DEREK
...Thirty-five years. I've run this place for thirty-five years. Every day, from noon til night, serving up fresh fish, chips, mushy peas and whipped cream, just like my sainted mother used to make. And now you're telling me I've...been doing it wrong?
WOMAN
Look, it's ok, I'm sure we could just eat around the cream...?
In a show of appeasement, the Woman awkwardly pokes at the plate of food and gestures for the Man to do the same.
DEREK
No, no, please, you don't need to indulge a foolish old man's whims.
He stands back up and clears the plates from the table.
DEREK (Cont'd)
You'd better let me get these out of your way.
MAN
We're really sorry about this...
Derek forces a stiff smile onto his face.
DEREK
It's not your fault. I just...wish someone had told me earlier.
(then, breezier)
I tell you what, how about I bring you some dessert? On the house.
WOMAN
Oh. Really?
DEREK
You've finally opened my eyes today. It's the least I can do. What do you say? Two of my famous banana splits?
The Man and the Woman look at each other and shrug.
WOMAN
Sure. Sounds great.
MAN
Just like I had when I was a kid. And then we're building that sandcastle, ok?
Everyone chuckles warmly. Derek turns back towards the kitchen.
DEREK
Excellent. Two banana splits, coming right up. Maureen?
MAUREEN
I'll get the broccoli...
THE END
Fun stuff all round, but I found Michael's the neatest and most stage-ready this week.
Oops missed the dead line...anyway i agree with Gappy and go Michael.
I vote Playful, his invisible play "Ooops missed the dead line" is the only way to a get biting satire on Britney Spears past the censors - pure genius. Michael's short perfectly formed one, proving size doesn't matter equal first with Otterfox's kitten trauma. Gappy and Crindy good as always.
Another close week. I think I just got more chuckles from gappy's skit overall, so I'll vote for that. 
I like all of them this week. It's Crindy for me. Really well written and you could almost smell the beach....and chips and whipped cream.
I keep forgetting pedo vids. Oops, I did it again. One more time.
Is that a vote?
BTW, I think you got three votes this week, cap'n (or 2.5 if you're going to let Firkin split their vote).
F**k, yeah.