So, yeah, mine started off pretty ordinary. I was there with a few mates - just a normal gathering of geezers in their underpants waiting for the sunrise at 6am. Perched on the ledge of a haystack. Chewing straw in our remaining teeth. Not all of them had washed under their arms but that is we men for you. Brotherhood overcomes all of that crap. Oh that's right. It all comes back to me, now. My eldest son, Cedric, now 43 was also there. Anyways, six local birds - next door types, of the kind you would take home to your mother, turned up in bikinis. I guess they were at least 17. I had only just finished a painting of the light beyond the horizon as "the lovely man with rays" was making his first appearance of the day. You might know it. It went on to win the Turner Prize. I suddenly spotted them all arriving, their minds full of a wish to experience all that life has to offer, however experimental, on their unicycles. I said I think there is a needle somewhere in this haystack. The next thing we knew was that we had all dived in there as an alternative to skinny dipping, everyone of us ripping each other's clothes off and doing precisely what nature intended when waterless.
Little did we know as the women were still brushing their hair back into order and knocking back cider what was to happen next. Yeah, that's right. A farmer who looked the spitting image of the ex Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, turned up on his tractor saying we should all get into the cart he was towing. He was about to take off for Mars and really welcomed our company. To be honest, I had barely managed to get my boots back on but in we all leapt. Well, what an unexpected but glorious whirlwind tour in and around our ionosphere. Boring old humping was off the agenda. We were all totally sexed out. So instead on arriving there - and he was brilliant at avoiding on the way several black holes - we played a round of golf into the craters. We blokes went round in just 17 which is wholly unprecedented on a full golf course but that I guess is the altering of gravity for you. The wenches were bloody useless of course - stuck seemingly forever in their DNA - but it really didn't matter. We were all having such fun. Oh, we had fun.
On the rapid way back - everyone knew I was needed on earth by 9pm at the latest to save it from extinction - there was at least time for me to spot the brightest star in the sky. Feeling a bit peckish, I caught it gently in my hands and put it into the one little bread roll I had in my pocket. Then I ate it. I don't quite know what the link was but senior astronomers later said that this simple activity had shifted the planet Jupiter by perhaps 100 million miles and removed time itself from it completely. I mean wow. Just wow. We didn't know where we would land. By a huge stroke of good luck it happened to be in the same park just south of Potters Bar where I keep my pet mongoose, Eric. You might know it. It is the one in which you think the trees in the distance are waving to you but in truth it is just heroin sellers darting between them in their yashmaks. It used to wind me up but now I accept multiculturalism. I feel it adds hugely to atmosphere.
This day - I declared to the others before racing off to a vote in Parliament and I only just made it in time before the Division Bell stopped clanging - will be one that we can always look back fondly on as we go down memory lane with our grandchildren. I just thank the lord I did get there in time. There was considerable dissent and the motion was only passed by one vote. Mine. "This House Opposes Armageddon By Midnight". Hillary Benn, bless him - a real diamond and he means so well - got all confused and said "I'm going to punch you in the moosh". What of course he didn't realise is that I invented Tyson Fury. It's totally true. He would never have existed had it not been for me. I also have a device which can shrink him to a size where he can hide behind my lapels and also make him as big as a real man. So all I had to do was press that buzzer. He appeared and the rest as they say is history. Hillary took what appeared to be one of his tablets and scarpered like the lamb he is. Obviously I wrote to him before going to bed genuinely wishing him well. We slept like babies that night - just me and Angela my teddy bear. Yeah. Wow.
