F**king Hell! C**tgtasulazioningd to Crindy for shingling. Your prize is to have won so PM me with a new slut please. Meanwhilst...
Crindy - 5
Lazzard - 1
Next natterjerk: A Journey (chosen by Larry Barker)
Leg closed: 22.8.21
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 10 Lazzard
2 7 Playfull, Crindy
3 5 Gappy
4 4 Otterfox
5 1 Teddy
Love is in the Air
Just off for the hols with all my friend.
And as I need money for food and clothes and prostitutes, I'm flying low cost. RyanAir, Easy Jet, you got the cheap tickets, now shut up and get on the bleedin' plane then bugger off out of it the minute it lands.
That's how I like it, anyway.
'Cause I go for the simple pleasures in life: beer over Pina Colada, 5-Euro plate of pasta over 500-Euro milligram of fish they ain't even cooked, Cameron Diaz in a bikini over Lady Gaga in a wheelchair. (Simplicity is a very English trait, you know. I remember dragging my Italian girlfriend through our breakfast - fried eggs, frieder bread, three heart attacks before 10 a.m. - and this old guy next to us goes, 'Best way to start the day eh'? Better ways suggest themselves - snorkling whiskey outa Cameron Diaz' navel while Megan Fox farts on your face, for instance - but parameters like his are easier to satisfy.)
You see, the paradox - yeah I know it's a long word, I'll be back on Cameron Diaz in a sec - the paradox of cheap-as-crap flights is they're also the most reliable. Simply 'cause they don't waste time on peripheral poo like the size of the stewardess's smile, the corned beef congealing in cling-film, the 'Candid Camera' reruns you can only avoid by filling your ears with cement and poking your eyes out with a skewer... They just wanna get you to wherever the hell you wanna get. Pronto. And I know which's more important to me. 'Ooh I missed me appointment, gonna lose me job, we'll all be evicted, but that 'Crossroads' episode was a corker.' I could understand on a fifteen-year flight, but this ninety minutes for Chrissakes, just keep yerself busy: read a book, watch the clouds, think about Cameron Diaz (told you).
And they once moaned that RyanAir was gonna charge for use of the bog. Lavvies in the air, anyone? Well I'm no Stephen Hawkins but I reckon you'd still need a helluva lot of chicken curries before you're paying anything like Lufthansa prices.
So yeah, a holiday beckons. And in the words of Sylvia Plath, thank f**k.
1: Breathe with your spirit. Let the cosmos flow through you, feel your place in life's drifting journey. Om.
2-5: Om.
1: Take the first steps towards enlightenment. Float on the currents of energy. Dissolve the self in the waters of tantra. Om.
2-5: Om.
1: Feel the luminosity of the universal spirit.
2: [PAUSE] Aren't you going to say om?
1: Err. No. Let's just move on.
3: Hang on, you have to say om.
1: I don't want to. I always say it. It's gone...funny in my mouth.
4: You have to say om.
1: I'm not going to say om.
2-5: Om.
1: No, that wasn't om! Sure, it was om, but not om om.
3: [CHANTING ALONE] Om Om!
4: Are you saying om sounds silly?
1: Yes.
5: Good reason. It is silly.
2: Oh, now hang on, you're just saying that because we chose om instead of your word.
5: My word was better.
3: Your word was rude.
5: Flange isn't rude.
1: It sounds rude. We can't surrender our earthly worries and become boddhisatva if we're all thinking of labia.
5: It doesn't mean labia!
4: It doesn't make me think of labia.
5: There you go.
4: It makes me think of carpentry.
1: Well, if anything woodwork's less spiritual than fanny.
2: I still think my word was best. Glurk.
1: We're definitely not doing glurk. I'd rather do flange than glurk.
4: Sounds like indigestion! What journey is glurk going to take you on?
2: A journey to the centre of your being.
4: If you mean the small intestine, you might be right
3: Alright, let's start from scratch. Any takers for psssssssss?
5: Excuse me, I must just nip to the toilet.
2: [SMUG CHUCKLE] The Buddha bowl.
1: Right, come on, we've got to achieve enlightenment before we die. We've only got about 4 decades left. Hit me with some new sounds. "I journey towards the oneness of the universe...."
2: Yo!
1: Not sure. "Energy is love.."
3: Scha-wing!
4: Rama-lama-ding-dong!
2: Flash!
3: [QUEEN STYLEE] Aah-aah!
4: [QUEEN FALSETTO] Bicycle!
1: What?
5: Shut up everyone, I've got it. I got inspiration on the loo. Come on, lama, hit us with the meditative wisdom.
1: Alright. [CLEARS THROAT] The path to truth is strewn with the sharp thorns of suffering.
5: [LOUD FANFARE] Taaa-daaaah!
2: Taa-daaah?
3: [MUSING] Taaa-daaah...
4: [ECSTATIC] Taaaa-daaaah!
1: Well done, O wise and gentle soul, you have solved our conundrum. From hereon, to aid our spiritual journey we shall all intone
1-5: Taaa-daaah!
2: Thank you, brother.
5: Ain't no thang. Also, we should totally meditate in the toilet, it's where I got this idea.
2: Also, it is quiet and tranquil.
3: It is white like the light of truth.
4: Plus you do get a seat.
5: There is, perhaps, just one element missing.
V/O: And that is how lotus-scented air fresheners were invented. Good night!
INT. CAR - DAY
A fancy new car. TINA drives up to the kerb and picks up CAROL, who climbs into the passenger seat.
CAROL
Hey. Wow. New car?
TINA
Yeah. Just picked it up this morning. It's amazing. Completely electric, room for all three kids. Perfect for the school run.
CAROL
Well, consider me jealous. So, wanna try that new place for brunch?
TINA
Definitely. Also, great excuse to try out this new sat nav. Uses the same GPS satellites that the US military uses. Plus, it's got all these fancy new voice settings...
She inputs the destination into the sat nav on the dashboard and pulls away.
TINA (Cont'd)
Here we go: Epic fantasy film narrator setting.
The SAT NAV booms into life, sounding like Sir Ian McKellen channeling Brian Blessed.
SAT NAV VOICE 1
Prepare yourselves, brave travellers and mighty warriors, for the journey of your lives, which only the noblest of souls may accomplish! First, you must cross the uncrossable junction with the B3641--!
TINA
Pretty cool, hmm?
SAT NAV VOICE 1
Then, prepare for the peril of taking the second exit at the next roundabout! But beware, if you stay on until the third exit, you will find yourself on the way to the nightmarish realm of...Milton Keynes!
CAROL
I dunno. This is a bit too...dramatic?
TINA
You're right. Let me...
She fiddles with the settings as they drive on.
TINA (Cont'd)
Ok, so, This might be a bit calmer. Depressed teenage existentialist after three bottles of cider at a music festival.
The voice of a miserable, and slightly drunk teenager fills the air.
SAT NAV VOICE 2
Take the next left. Or the next right. Either way, the inevitability of your final destination is the same as it is for all of us: The inky-black everlasting darkness of death--
TINA
Nope. That's enough of that...
She fiddles with the settings again.
TINA (Cont'd)
Hmm. Emotional support cocker spaniel?
SAT NAV VOICE 3
Woof! Woof woof! Woof! Woof woof woof--!
TINA
Yep. Ok. Should have realised that would be...
She continues to fiddle with the controls.
TINA (Cont'd)
Ah, ok, suspiciously polite Friday night Tinder match.
A smooth and silky Jon Hamm-esque voice fills the car.
SAT NAV VOICE 4
Hi, there. So amazing that we found each other on here. You have incredible eyes. Maybe you'd like to continue straight on for 500 yards, while telling me more about your hobbies?
CAROL
Are we supposed to...talk to it--?
TINA
(slightly flirty)
Well, since you asked, I've been getting into yoga just recently--
CAROL
Ok, you're talking to it.
TINA
--And it's really helped me to--
SAT NAV VOICE 4
Wanna see my penis?
TINA
...I--What? No, I--You're a sat nav--
Carol points to the sat nav screen in disgust.
CAROL
Oh, god, that's a dick pic!
TINA
Ugh. Christ. How did--? Did someone program that in??
She wrestles with the controls some more.
TINA (Cont'd)
Ugh. Ok, anything'll do...There. Modern British politician.
A calm, faux authoritative voice chimes out.
SAT NAV VOICE 5
The journey to your destination couldn't be simpler, and I will work tirelessly to get you there. Please, take the next left.
Tina smiles and turns the wheel, then slams on the brakes.
TINA
Wh--? This is a dead end?
SAT NAV VOICE 5
Let me be clear when I say that you should have taken the next right.
CAROL
No you didn't! You just said take the next left!
SAT NAV VOICE 5
We have been perfectly clear from the start of this difficult - and many would say impossible - journey about the importance of taking the next right--
CAROL
You said left! And you said it couldn't be simpler!
SAT NAV VOICE 5
Alas, despite our clear and straightforward guidance--
TINA
Is my own car gaslighting me right now?
SAT NAV VOICE 5
--You have failed to exercise sufficient personal responsibility for your journey--
CAROL
I can't take any more of this.
TINA
Ok, come on, there's got to be one...
She grapples with the controls while completing a three point turn.
TINA (Cont'd)
Ah, there we go.
She finishes the three point turn and drives off. The sat nav remains silent as they drive.
CAROL
Brilliant. You switched it off.
TINA
Nope. It's on the 'angry father of three trying to find the holiday resort' setting.
CAROL
Oh. So, are there still directions, or--?
SAT NAV VOICE 6
No! We don't need directions! We're not lost! We know exactly where we're going!
TINA
Perfect.
She and Carol smile as they drive on in satisfied silence. After a few moments...
TINA (Cont'd)
Crap. I think that was our exit...
THE END
THE DOOR OF MARTOOK.
NARRATOR:
Renowned adventurer Grayson Field and his dutiful assistant Cubby Loft were now closer to the Door of Martook that any of their fellow Victorian adventurers had ever got.
From navigating the Hills of High Falloff-ability, traversing the Plains of Deadly Death, crossing The Pits of Terrible Stuff Altogether and surviving The Squirrels of Diminishing Niceness they were now on the final leg of their quest.
The pair found themselves stepping through the dense undergrowth of the comparatively pleasantly titled Jungle of Terrible Azure or for people not offay with wild terrain The Jungle of Horrible Purple.
Having trekked for hours it was time for a brief reprieve. Finding shelter from the hot midday sun under a giant leaf made from umbrellas they took time to drink and consult the map...
GRAYSON:
By George Lofty it's hot.
CUBBY:
Indeed sir, I think my mouth is sweating.
GRAYSON:
Here, wash it down with this tankard of tepid water.
CUBBY DRINKS.
CUBBY:
Yes sir, lovely sir, very tasty.
GRAYSON:
Now what is this map telling us? I feel like we've been going around in squares.
CUBBY:
Hmm...
GRAYSON:
What's the matter Lofty?
CUBBY:
Oh nothing to worry about sir it's just that according to the map...*ahem*...y-you're dead.
GRAYSON:
Let me see that! Lofty you fool you have it upside-down!
CUBBY:
Ah yes sir, much more alive now sir.
GRAYSON:
By and by Lofty, did you not have a life-size map a few miles back?
CUBBY:
Indeed I did but if I'm honest sir I found it rather tough going lugging it around.
GRAYSON:
Tell me you didn't get rid of it.
CUBBY:
Oh no, no, no, no...nothing like that sir. I just placed it at the bottom of the gorge for safe keeping, to pick up on the way back. It was rather heavy.
GRAYSON:
It couldn't have been more than twenty or thirty stone? You are not the man you once were Lofty...not by a long shot.
So where to next?
CUBBY:
It looks like we're rather close to the door sir. Left here at the Golden Bubbles then we have to pass something called Crackpot Creek and then some sort of invisible loop and we're there.
GRAYSON:
As easy as that, huhhhhh!! What the dickens am I tripping over? What is that?
CUBBY:
It's a human; he's practically a skeleton sir.
GRAYSON:
Yes a skeleton of just bone and skin with a tree lying on top of him. I wonder how he died.
SKELETON:
What do you mean died? I'm not dead.
CUBBY:
Well you're not far off in fairness.
GRAYSON:
How many weeks have you been stuck like this?
SKELETON:
Weeks? I'm only here a few minutes. I was not supposed to tell you this but I answered an ad in the paper from a Petch Calhoun. He was in search of someone who looked, as he put it "As dead as possible" to plant close to the Door of Martook so that it would hold up Grayson Field and he would make it to the door first.
CUBBY:
Petch Calhoun?
GRAYSON:
Yes I thought the narrator would mention him at the start but he obviously left it to me. As if I wasn't in enough of a hurry. Petch Calhoun. We went to Cambridge together where we first read of the fabled Door of Martook. We drunkenly put on a hefty wager to see who would discover the door first.
CUBBY:
He obviously followed us up to this point and sneaked off when we took shelter under the leaf.
GRAYSON:
We must move with haste!
FX. RUNNING.
GRAYSON:
Who's this now all of a sudden?
OLD MAN:
....And there will be much talking from a great distance but with no distance between them. The voice will be detached from the body....Then will come the words that sound like weasels when-
GRAYSON:
Have you got anything on the Door of Martook?
OLD MAN:
Wait! The winds now blow upon the hill, don't stop to speak or look around and do not take the wooden path. Mahabubar had to deal with horse sick when the wolves tumbled over the city walls...Look!
GRAYSON:
It's Petch on the rope bridge. Petch! Get off! Didn't you listen to the old man!? It's too windy!
PETCH:
He's just an old fool! He's talking nonsense!
FX. STRONG WIND.
PETCH:
Woaaah!!
PETCH (falling):
Help! I can't fly!!
GRAYSON:
Don't fall so fast, you'll die from it! Old man, is there anything we can do?
OLD MAN:
Catch the thing you cannot see what lies behind the small oak tree.
CUBBY:
The thing we cannot see?....Ah the invisible loop just like in the map. I cannot see anything.
Grayson:
Grab it anyway and throw it down. Petch, are you still falling?
PETCH:
Yes, why?
GRAYSON:
We may or may not have thrown down something called an Invisible Loop. Can you see it?
PETCH:
I think so, yes.
CUBBY:
Embroil yourself in it!
GRAYSON:
He's latched on. Great it's coming back up. Cubby, when he gets up we'll jump into the loop and it will take us across to the other side.
CUBBY:
It's the safest option sir.
GRAYSON:
Old man, have you any sage advice on the Door of Martook?
OLD MAN (CANDIDLY):
No.
GRAYSON:
Right; I must admit I was rather expecting more there. Ah, here's Petch now. Hop on Cubby....and away we go!!
FX OF INVISIBLE LOOP SWISHING ACROSS THE GORGE.
OLD MAN:
But I do have information on the key.
END.
The café at Oliver's mount, Scarborough. Stanley is sitting alone at a window seat with a panoramic view of south bay and the Castle.
Ollie approaches carrying a cup of tea and a scone. He points to the empty seat opposite Stanley.
OLLIE: Is this free?
STANLEY: Yes, I mean no...
OLLIE SLUMPS HEAVILY INTO THE CHAIR. SPILLING SOME COFFEE AND LETTING THE SCONE PLATE CLATTER ON THE TABLE.
OLLIE: What a view, the best in Scarborough.
STANLEY: Yes, (MOPPING UP THE SPILLED COFFEE) I was just enjoying it.
OLLIE: (WATCHES WAITRESS GO PAST) And they don't like cake only singles taking up tables when the lunch time crowd comes in.
STANLEY: No.
OLLIE: You don't recognise me do you.
STANLEY: I er...
OLLIE: Its me Ollie, you must remember? Ollie and Jules?
STANLEY: Sorry...no.
OLLIE: We met a couple of years ago at Sunningdale. They put us together breakfast and we ended up knocking around for the week.
STANLEY: Oh yes, Ollie and er...
OLLIE: Jules.
STANLEY: Yes Jules. How is Jules?
OLLIE: She passed last year.
STANLEY: I am sorry to hear that. She was a nice lady.
OLLIE: Thanks Stanley. The good thing is that she went quick, she didn't suffer.
STANLEY: Do you mind me asking how she...
OLLIE: Died? No, she died of telling lies.
STANLEY: (SHOCKED) What?
OLLIE: She went to Spain with some of the girls and they all signed up for bungee jump from a high bridge.
STANLEY: Good Grief.
OLLIE: What no one knew was they adjust the length of the bungee for each jumper to give them the best experience. When they asked her what she weighed she knocked a few stones off as usual.
STANLEY: Oh! That's terrible, I'm so sorry...
OLLIE: I still can't look at an elastic band without bursting out into tears. Still I suppose every marriage has its ups and downs.
STANLEY: (OPEN MOUTHED) Did you make that up?
OLLIE: Yeh...
STANLEY: (SMILING) You are a terrible man!
OLLIE: Well, it is better than the truth. Dying from Carbon Monoxide poisoning, from a faulty boiler in a caravan at Bridlington. She deserved something a bit more exciting than that.
STANLEY: More exciting than Bridlington?
OLLIE: Now who's a terrible man? Is that Liz?
THEY BOTH STARE AT AN ERN SITTING ON THE TABLE
STANLEY: Is it that obvious?
OLLIE: Well, it's either an Ern full of ashes or the worlds ugliest ashtray.
STANLEY: No, I mean is it obvious it's Liz.
OLLIE: You two were inseparable. She's not here... it can only mean one thing. (BEAT) You know it's a fact you never actually get your loved one's ashes in the ern?
STANLEY: Why would you say that! That's not something you say to someone who has made a special journey to spread his dead wife's ashes at a place she loved...
OLLIE: But you don't spread them do you Stanley?
STANLEY: I'm not sure where...
OLLIE: Everyday Stanley. Every day exactly the same...
STANLEY: I don't understand?
OLLIE: You are in a closed loop Stanley. You didn't pass when you passed. No one can get through to you. Liz cannot get through to you and she has tried. Everyday she has tried. But you never see her, never hear her. You are locked in your loop. She sent me to try and get through to you. Said you couldn't stand me, that I might irritate my way into your conscious. Smart lady your Liz.
STANLEY: I never realised...Does this mean I am...
OLLIE: Yes. Liz is waiting for you. Are you ready?
STANLEY: should I take the urn?
OLLIE: Well, it's up to you but what you want with a cross dressing Hairdresser named Colin I have no idea. Look up into the light.
STANLEY: Did you pass over with Jules?
OLLIE: How hard can it be to service a boiler I thought...
THEY BOTH DISAPEAR IN A COLUMN OF WHITE LIGHT.
Some good ideas but it's Otterfox for me. Top notch tomfoolery!
Otterfox for me too, quite a Goons vibe to it. Enjoyed them all this week, though.
Think I'll go with Otterfox as well. Fun skit!
Shoutout to playfull's twist ending. Feels like if you could shoehorn a ham-fisted side plot about smartphones being evil into that, you could sell it to the makers of Black Mirror!
Yeah, OF
Loved Gappys concept and the first half was really strong. Just felt it didn't sustain throughout. Crindys Sat Nav escapade was lovely so that gets my vote.