A middle-aged man [SIMPSON] walks into a doctor's surgery.
He's a surprised to see the medic flanked by Tim Martin and Michael O'Leary.
SIMPSON: Oh, sorry doctor - I thought you were ready for me.
DOCTOR: No, come on in Mr. Simpson - sit down please.
The patient nods warily at the shovel faced publican and the wiry little Irishman.
DOCTOR: So, what exactly is the problem?
SIMPSON: It's a little personal, actually.
DOCTOR: Oh, don't mind them - it's new government policy whereby the opinions of the travel and hospitality industries are given equal weight to that of trained doctors - think of it as second, and third opinion - you should be grateful!
SIMPSON: Ok, if you're sure... It's just I've got these spots on my penis..
O'LEARY: Can I suggest a weekend in Paris??
TIM: Or how about a pint - maybe two or three? Couple of chasers?
SIMPSON: How do you think I got the blasted spots in the first place?
DOCTOR: Well, as a doctor I would suggest a course of antibiotics...
TIM: I would strongly advise against that - you're not allowed to drink on those.
DOCTOR: Well, a fortnight's rest, then
O'LEARY: A fortnight's holiday might be better.
SIMPSON: Look, I'm not convinced everyone here has my best interests at heart.
DOCTOR: I assure you, the patient is always our No.1 priority.
TIM: Dead people can't drink, for one thing.
O'LEARY: Plus a coffin takes up a whole row - that's me down three seats.
SIMPSON: Right - I'm going now - and I'll take that prescription doctor, if you don't mind.
TIM: But have you thought of the mental health implications?
SIMPSON: Who's mental health?
TIM: Mine, you selfish git - it's doing my nut in losing all this money.
SIMPSON: Bollocks to the lot of you!
Simon marches out of the surgery - Tim & O'Leary look grumpily at each other.
TIM: I thought the new guy said he was going to sort this shit out!
At this point SAJID JAVID sticks his round he door
SAJID: Could I have a word outside, doctor?
The doctor follows him out of the office.
SFX: GUNSHOT
The two men smile at each other, then shove their chairs up together.
O'LEARY: Next patient, please!
