British Comedy Guide

Bone Out - feedback appreciated!

I had a million things to do today and I couldn't focus on any of them because I had this bloody idea in my head. Most of the comedy I do is either musical, improvised or, very occasionally, sketch-based. I am not a writer yet, here I am, with a treatment that didn't exist this morning.
I did some frantic Googling to work out what a treatment looks like, which is what I've posted below.

Basically, I want to know if I have a good idea here or not, so I can either get cracking or bin it and go back to sleep.
I'd love to know if this is something that people would be interested in watching it based on this information alone? As a viewer, would you give it a go or not? Is there something that instantly makes you go "ooh, cool!" or "ah, lame..."?

Logline

Brian is the frontman of Tibia Loan, a band who are on the cusp of greatness. Everyone in his hometown owns a t-shirt with his face on it. Brian hates it. He hates every part of being in a band but, more than anything, he hates that people know his name.
What does Brian really want out of life? How will his bandmates cope when he finally opens up?

Detail

Tibia Loan have played all over the UK and once, inexplicably, in Argentina. They've released 3 albums independently and so many singles it's hard to keep track of them all. The only problem is that he hates it. He hates touring; he hates performing; he hates every part of being in a band but especially, more than anything, he hates that people know his name.

Bone Out is a comedy drama about Brian coming to terms with the realization that what he really wants is a quiet life with his partner and maybe a kid at some point, but not right now, that would be mental.

There's a bit more detail, including an episode breakdown in this Google Doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Q5anzJLzOdHmA9VZOgrPPRJwb5xNvAbNat38KZfH_Vg/edit?usp=sharing

Thanks for your time,
Liam

It feels odd that the thing he hates most is "people knowing his name".
If that's important, you're going to have to justify that somehow.
Inevitably Spinal Tap looms large over this as well as sillier things like Brian Pern and currently We are Lady Parts (& wasn't there a strand in Love Actually??) - ANYWAY putting some clear blue water between them and you is going to be important.
I think maybe you need more of a dramatic 'moment of realisation' when he decided he wants out - perhaps it is the baby - near death experience - 100 volts up the arse???? Currently he sort of drifts into quitting. Is the band any good? Or are they a cliche ? Lots of unanswered questions that would affect the tone of this piece.

In terms of whether I'd want to watch it, I can't say, because I can't really tell what would happen. the episode summaries seem to consist of the character thinking about things they could do, rather than describing much about what happens.

As noted above, I think the important question is how successful the band is. If they're properly successful the main guy could be a rocking Reginal Perrin type figure, but most bands who've made 3 independent LPs and who are "on the cusp of success" don't make their living out of music - and if that's the case, it seems that the reason (or at least the excuse) to leave would be immediately accepted.

My other question is why he got into it in the first place, if he hates it? Presumably something changed, so we'd want to know what it was.

Short answer: there's nothing wrong with what you've written, but I want to see more (although bear in mind I am not a TV commissioner).

What Lazzard said is solid as its hard enough getting people to even look at stuff so when the premise sounds familiar you're on a hiding to nothing. Thats the negative.
The positive is if its in your head go for it as nothing written is wasted and it could be funny enough to ride roughshod over the negatives.
If he had an identical twin ready to take on his load who was hilarious in his own right and caused mayhem as everything he says is off massage for the band ,the manager and the record company but the public love him more that the real one . Then he becomes a Twitter Social media sensation to the point the band and manager and record company find out and don't want the truth uncovered but he is now a total loose cannon and even the real one can't control that could work.
But I think its great you put stuff up and ask about it as thats what this section is for and it takes bottle at times but you learn from it, I know I have .

Share this page