Staying down here in the basement for a while as it's all got a bit fruity up top.
Here's something I'm looking to put in the Sketch Comp.
Feel free to improve it so that I can win!!!
LIZ TRUSS'S BRITISH RESTAURANT
A man sits at a restaurant table, perusing a very thin menu.
Liz Truss arrives at the table, notebook in hand,
LIZ: Have you had a chance to read the menu, sir?
MAN: Didn't take long, but, yes. Now, the beef - is it locally sourced?
LIZ: Absolutely - chef pours it on in the kitchen - just yards from your table.
MAN: No I mean is it locally sourced - from a local farm?
LIZ: Not strictly speaking. It's from Australia. But I should warn you there is a bit of a wait.
MAN: How much of a wait?
LIZ: !5 years - but after that we'll be swimming in the stuff!
MAN: Some local lamb, then. I'm very keen to support the British farmer.
LIZ: Oh, well, that's easy - there's one over there, sleeping in the doorway of Dorothy Perkins. Give him a couple of quid and he'll regale you with tales of the Welsh Hill Farm he used to own.
MAN: How about the Coronation Chicken - is it fresh?
LIZ: Ah - sorry - that should read Chlorination Chicken - and it's always fresh. Positively glowing, in fact.
Liz can see that the man is losing his patience.
LIZ : It's not actually on the menu, but may I suggest sausages? We suddenly find ourselves with quite an excess.
MAN: I can have sausages any day of the week, thank you very much.
LIZ: Not in Belfast you can't.
The man soldiers on.
MAN: The asparagus - local, I hope?
LIZ: More local than the beef, that's for sure. It's from Peru.
MAN: But we're in the heart of asparagus country!
LIZ: I know, asparagus like telegraph poles as far as the eye can see. But can we find anyone to pick it?
MAN: Look, this is ridiculous - I've a train to catch. Perhaps I'll just skip straight to desert.
LIZ: Excellent! Might I suggest a little fresh fruit? Britain at its succulent best.
She hands a small piece of paper to the guest.
MAN: What's this?
LIZ: A map of the local fruit farms - help yourself, they've got piles of it. Literally. A sort of fruit pick and mix, if you will!
MAN: I hesitate to ask - but is there a cheeseboard?
LIZ: Absolutely there is, sir! It's not what you'd call over-run with cheese - but what we have is the finest.
A cheese board arrives boasting a piece of cheddar with a Union Jack stuck in it.
MAN: Is that it? Well at least it's local.
LIZ: Canadian, actually. That's the only flag we have. But it is lovely flag, wouldn't you agree, sir?
Liz Truss gives the flag a little stroke.
MAN: Right is there anything, anything at all, from round here, made on the premises?
Liz shouts towards the kitchen.
LIZ: Basket of French bread, table six!
