INTERROGATION ROOM
A plain clothes officer is sat facing the suspect.
COP
So, Mr Plum now that the tape is running and you know your rights, can we just go over what you already told the desk sergeant this evening.
PLUM
I did them all three of them I admit it.
COP
I see
PLUM
I don't know what came over me I've never been in trouble in my life.
COP
Well, you're in it now that's for sure.
PLUM
I just snapped, I've been in lockdown for over year, and I just snapped !
COP
It's not been easy for most of us.
PLUM
My wife's working from my home, she made a mini call centre out of the dining table so half the living rooms off limits.
COP
Can we get back to...
PLUM
I've been eating meals off my lap like I'm on an aeroplane for over a year and watching the TV with the sound off and the subtitles on.
COP
As I said
PLUM
When I do go in the other half of the living room, I have to use f**king mime because 'She's Working'. I tried to talking to neighbours over the fence. One told me to f**k off and the other doesn't even watch football he's into motor bikes. That's How I ended up on their website.
COP
You're not that only one, apparently, they did a big 'Flyer push' in the area , you're the fourth one we've nicked this week alone.
PLUM
I didn't mean it to happen, I just saw the flyer and thought 'Where's the harm' I mean look at me. I'm barely five eight, I'm bald, middle aged and overweight. And to top it off my names Percival Plum , have you any idea how hard that stupid f**king name has made my life?
COP
I can only imagine.
PLUM
So when I found out that I was an extremely distant relative to Ned Kelly I thought to myself "Go for it Percy you deserve a bit of excitement for once in your life'.
The cop puts a large plastic bag on the table. It contains a metal bucket with eye and mouth slots .
COP
So that's when you made this and did the Building Society robberies?
PLUM
Yes, yes, it's all true, oh my god how long will I have to go to prison for 10 20 30 years?
COP
I can't say but its clearly a phenomenon , as I said we nicked others. So far this week we had two Robin Hoods and a man took the mayor hostage claiming that he now owns the Town Hall. Apparently his great. great, great, great grandfather never got paid for being the can lad on the job. He'd worked out the wages and the interest and everything. He had the mayor in a headlock for five hours.
PLUM
Who knew something that small could do this to people?
FRONT DESK POLICE STATION
A Sergeant is enjoying a mug of tea and reading his newspaper when a very distressed looking man walks in.
MAN
You won't believe this, but I've just been robbed of my IPhone and Rolex by a man in a cloak and a mask who said 'Stand and deliver'
The sergeants eyebrows rise as he takes a sip of his tea before replying.
SERGEANT
Take a seat please sir we'll soon have this sorted out.
As the man takes a seat on the bench in station foyer, The sergeant then stops a passing constable.
SEREGANT
PC Harris do me a favour and go back on that Find My Past web site that's causing all the ruckus and find Dick Turpin will you please? Then work your way forward, you know the drill. Once you find our man pass it all over to CID would you ?
PC HARRIS
Yes sarge.
The sergeant then speaks to the man one the bench.
SERGEANT
Shouldn't be too long now sir
MAN
Thanks
The sergeant goes back to reading his paper and drinking his tea